Bismillah.
I'm just in a bad mood.
Yes, I'm in a bad mood. Just in a bad mood, for no reason.
I want to be in a bad mood. Let me be. I want to be angry. I want to be allowed to be in a bad mood. I want someone to go along with my bad mood. I want someone to say to me: "It's okay, be ugly. Be mad all you want. I'll be here."
************
"WHY?! Why are you still here?! Why won't you go away?! Why are you trying to make me feel better?!"
You shook his shoulder violently. You were furious. With all the problems you're facing right now, you really won't appreciate another addition.
"...Because I love you."
"...WHAT??!!"
*smack his head with a hammer in my imagination*
******
People, that kind of statement is considered as bullsh*t for people like me.
******
"...Believe me or not, I need to be by your side. ...Yes, I am selfish. Even if you didn't need me, I need you. By being with you, it makes me feel better."
Huh. Selfish.
"But I can't be with you unless I offer something in return, right?"
"...What CAN you offer?"
"By staying by your side."
Your jaws dropped. Where did he put his brain? In the drain? Oh I forgot. I've smashed it into pieces.
"No worries. You're in a bad mood, right? You just wanna let it all go. Then go for it. Be ugly all you want. Scream, stomp your feet, be mad like a child. I'll be here. Don't worry, I won't judge."
"..."
"You're shy? Then lemme join."
He walked towards the riverbank and started shouting. Luckily, no one else was around.
"COULDN'T YOU TREAT YOUR CUSTOMER BETTER? MY MONEY PAYS FOR YOUR WAGES, RIGHT? I HOPE YOUR SHOP WOULD HAVE NO CUSTOMER FOR THE WHOLE DAY!"
You stared at him, wide-eyed.
"...What?" He feigned innocence.
"..."
"Come on, your turn."
"..."
He waited.
Should I try?
Let me try.
"...She...she knew nothing about me...And then she judged me?! Unbelievable. I-I told her nothing...I kept quiet. But she wanted to know more. I-I..."
I refused. Why? Because if I told her, she'd judge me too. She'd judge me, maybe even worse. All she did was got angry. She won't say thank you. She won't praise. Even if she did, she'd make sure to follow it with some insults. Like I'm not good enough. There''ll always be some flaws inside me. She can't be satisfied. Maybe she already is satisfied...but what is she doing, telling me you shouldn't do this, you should do that?! What I've done all this while were not enough?! She didn't even notice?! She wouldn't appreciate! Yeah, I know. She has her ego, I have mine, too. So what, is it wrong for me to be angry at her ego? It's not like I'm shouting all these at her face. See, I'm good, right? I did something good, right?
You unconsciously looked at his face, trying to find something. But you couldn't find it. Of course you couldn't find it. You didn't let it out. You just kept it inside your mind.You didn't tell it to him.
"Huh...damn it..."
"..."
He waited, again.You buried your face inside your palms.
"Why am I feeling this way? Why does this feeling...Why does it exist?"
He came to your side and held your hands.
"It's okay. You can be angry. You can be mad. You can be sad. You can feel whatever you wanna feel. You are not wrong."
"Then why..."
"Come, tell it to the person who told you you're wrong. Let it out."
You hesitated. But the firm grasp of his hand against yours weren't nothing. You felt confidence, even if just for a few seconds.
"It is still useless. ...Even if I release my anger here, she wouldn't know...This...this feeling..."
"...You're feeling so angry but you can't let it out..."
"..."
******
Yeah, I sometimes write romance. So what.