Fear of working

Bismillah.

Dear Allah.

What if I don't wanna work?

...

People all around me saying no...you can't do that...it's bad for you...

Yeah, I know. I hate myself for it. But still, I want the same thing. I don't wanna work.

Then what do I want to do?

...

I don't know.

I'm happy with what I'm doing right now. Currently, I'm writing on a project, now it's reaching 70k words. I know, it's not much. Heck, I know, I'm a fuuing amateur, noob, beginner...call on me whatever you want. But I love it.

I love what I do. I love writing. Heck, even though people may dislike it. Maybe what I wrote doesn't make sense. But I like it. Even if sometimes I face writer's block. Even if sometimes I feel down because my story isn't like other box office pecah panggung story. Even if my characters aren't likable. But I stupidly fall for them. I feel for them.

...

Is it wrong?

Is it wrong for me to at least have something that I like to do?

Heck, I don't think I can like doing something this long. I maybe have interests in a lot other things, but mostly those interests just fade over time.

But writing remains.

So what if I like to write?

Let me blame my past. I took a fuuing Math course even though I like writing. You know what, I listed English as a first choice when filling up the form to apply for university, but my mom then told me to change it to Physical Sciences instead.

Heh.

I don't blame my mom. If I want to blame someone, it's most probably be myself. Maybe I'm not stong enough with my conviction. I didn't tell my mom about my interest. I'd just listen to whatever she said like a good daughter I am.

Hell, a good daughter? Now that I'm not working and fuuing lazying around the house doing fuuing nothing...I know. She probably despises me. Fuu.

Children don't know their parents' feelings, huh? Don't think that the children don't feel hurt by not knowing your feelings.

Fuu. Whatever.

I love to write. So what. That doesn't change ANYTHING.

 I need to move out. Rent a room, make the room absolutely mine. Fill it with a drum set, drawing tutorials and art supplies, access to internet for me to learn drumming, drawing and Japanese...writing as a hobby...

But first I'd need to get a job. Just being a cleaner is enough. Provided I don't have to drive to work. Even better if I could walk to my work place. But as a woman it might be hard. Fuu.

Ughhh. Even applying for a cleaner job is fuuing frightening? Why???

I'm afraid of getting rejected.

Getting rejected outside and even inside the house...somehow makes you feel like you could slice a knife on your arm, right? Then you watch that red blood flows freely down your white skin...it almost tempts you to lick it.

You'd feel happy.

Because at least with that cut you can finally express the pain inside. The pain is physicalize, if that's even a word. And a physical pain is something others would worry about. They don't know anything about the pain inside. They can't see it.

They can't fuuing see it.

But what's the need for that, right? Why would they need to see the pain inside? Would they care? Yeah, I know, I absolutely know that they have pains inside, too. So why would they care? They have their own problems they need to solve. Why would they care about others?

Fuu.

I wish I could crumple this stupid fear I'm feeling, crush it down under my feet and stomp on it like a crazy butch. Then I'd stomp out, go apply for that cleaner job and fuu them if they still reject me.

Then I'd quietly slice my arm inside the toilet and let the blood flow with a snicker on my lips.

...

God.

God.

God.

Oh Allah.

I don't know.

I don't know a thing.

You know everything.

God.

I don't even know what should I ask from You.

Lemme just...

Lemme just ask for Your help.

Is that okay?

I...

I don't know.

I'm just a fuuing stupid human being who isn't appreciated.

Heck, maybe there's even not a thing in me that could be appreciated.

...karappo.

Can't stop walking: 2nd day

Bismillah.

A continuation for a previos post with the same name.

So on the second day, kitorang gerak keluar dari UPM pukul 10.30am. Ambik Sarah kat masjid, guba GPS, sampai ke surau Kuarters Polis Seksyen 20 lebih kurang pukul 11 lebih. Dengar ceramah kat situ tentang hak anak ke atas ibu bapa. Antaranya ialah hak diajar menulis membaca, hak diajar ibadah, hak diajar amal maaruf nahi munkar...banyak, ada 20. Tapi time kitorang sampai tu dah yang ke 9 ke 10 dah.

 Ceramah habis pukul 12, perut dah bunyi-bunyi dah. Haha. Lepas tu selawat sikit, tahnik, pastu dah boleh makan!!! Sedap woo makanan dia. Macam nasik arab! Daging kambing yang empuk, ayam merah, acar timun fresh..umpphhh rasa macam nak bungkus bawak balik Kuantan je! Haha.

Siap makan, bagi hadiah kat Falaha, tangkap gambar sikit...pastu mintak izin nak balik. Sebab aku nak kejar bas awal, baru boleh sampai Kuantan siang. Kalau ambik bas lambat, sampai Kuantan malam, susah sikit mak aku nak ambik. Kebetulan time tu Sopek and Naimah pun dah nak balik sekali, diorang tolong hantar ke stesen KTM Shah Alam. Sampai kat situ dalam pukul 1 lebih jugak la. From KTM Shah Alam, we went straight to KL Sentral. The journey took more than half an hour, so we arrived at KL Sentral at 2 something.

Pergi rushing solat semua, we rode monorail from KL Sentral to Titiwangsa at 3pm. At Pekeliling bus station, we searched for buses to Kuantan at 3.30 but...guess what? None of the counters offered tickets to East Coast! Maksudnya kitorang tak boleh balik la! It was all because of LPT being closed down due to flood. Allah. Nak ke mana pulak aku dengan adik aku ni. Huhu.

Last last kitorang pun ikut la nasihat mak aku yang dok suruh aku tido rumah bapak sedara akur daripada tido bilik Wan kat UPM. Aku pun call bapak sedara aku yang duduk kat PJ, mintak nak tumpang. Haha hadoi lawak pulak twist of fate ni. Mak sedara aku suruh naik LRT sampai Universiti.

But no no no. Aku yang tengah frust tak dapat balik time tu, cakap ngan mak sedara aku, kitorang nak gi jalan jap dulu. Aku pun ape lagi, bawak adik aku gi jalan KLCC! Sebab kebetulan time tu ada Comic Fest, Nik semalam jumpa kat KTM Serdang sebab dia pergi Comic Fest tu la! Haha jeles kot aku. From Pekeliling bus station, I took the monorail to Bukit Nanas station. There, I exchanged to Kelana Jaya LRT line, you'd have to walk out of the station for a bit until you arrive at Dang Wangi LRT station. From there, we rode on the LRT to KLCC station.

Haha, sampai sampai je...pergh ramai nye orang! Of course la, ada event kat KLCC. Kitorang dah mula nampak dah cosplayer-cosplayer kat situ. Aku ape lagi, tarik adik aku bawak pegi Convention Centre tu cepat-cepat. Sampai je situ...

Assassin's Creed

Lonely Kurosaki Ichigo (lol)

SWAT and female Jiraiya (is it?)

Seems familiar...hmmm

Joker. He looked like a natural entertainer, quickly got into pose when I wanted to take pictures.

Hatsune Miku (Vocaloid) gundam version

 

Ada yang aku kenal, aku kenal la. Miku, Gintama, Naruto, Jiraiya...yang aku tak kenal pun banyak. Tapi aku punya la excited, sebab ni first time aku pegi anime event macam ni. Ni baru kat luar hall, belum masuk dalam lagi. Aku tanya la orang yang jual tiket tu, berapa harganya. RM21. Haha adoi tak jadi la aku nak masuk. Lagipun tu dah petang, event dia pun dah nak habis. Nanti-nanti je la aku pergi lagi.

So pukul 5 tu aku pun bergerak pulang ke rumah pak sedara aku di PJ. From that KLCC LRT station, I took the LRT to Universiti station. No need to exchange line or go to KL Sentral pun. Sampai situ, tunggu pak sedara aku datang ambik. Bila dia sampai, rupa-rupanya aku salah stesen. Patutnya stesen Taman Jaya yang lagi dekat. Oh well.

Sampai rumah pak sedara aku, makan, tido. Fuhhh penat beb. Tambah dengan frust tak dapat balik lagi. Tengok berita, air makin naik di Temerloh. Nampak gayanya duduk lama la aku kat sini...

Can't stop walking: 1st day

Bismillah.

I am a lazy person. Yes, I am. I got no motivation to do things. I might do it, but with little interest or passion.

But one thing I can't stop doing.

Walking.

I love walking. But only if I know where I'm going of course. I feel like if I started walking, I couldn't stop.

A few days before, I went on a walking trip. Well, at first it wasn't supposed to be a five days 'walking' trip, but it turned out to be that way because of the flood.

And when I returned home, I felt like I wanna go out and just walk again.

My feet just need to move. I usually don't feel this way. Well, maybe it's because I've been spending half a year crouching in front of my laptop. But still, here where I'm living, there's not much interesting places to visit, and the public transportation is not as efficient as KL. Hmm. Now I'm missing KL already.

So now, I'm going to tell you about that five, or actually six, days of walking to various places in KL.

On the first day, hari pertama, actually sebab aku datang KL is to melawat anak Falaha, Rayyan. The aqiqah was on Sunday, but Syafiq ajak aku datang Sabtu sebab dia ada exam Ahad tu, so dia takleh datang aqiqah. So aku datang la awal sehari. From Kuantan, initially I wanted to buy bus ticket straight to Shah Alam, but I came to the terminal at 10 while ticket to Shah Alam is at 8.30am so... I guess we'll go to KL first.

So we (me and my sister) managed to buy Plusliner tickets to KL at 10, even though the clock almost struck 10. Haha last minute punya orang. Well, from Kuantan there are a lot of buses going to KL at various times, so there's no need to worry much. So kitorang pun naik bas, bertolak semua...tak sangka pulak banjir atas highway tu tengah jalan! Yes, the highway was flooded around Temerloh exit. Well, it is supposedly common for LPT highway to be flooded near the end of the year, rainy season in Malaysia, but aku yang tak biasa jalan ke KL akhir tahun ni mane la tau. Haha. 

Last last that bus got stuck in traffic for two hours I tell you! The journey which supposedly only took 3 to 4 hours (so we should arrive in KL at 2pm at most), ended us arriving at Pekeliling bus station at almost 4 o'clock! God, penatnye tambah bosan dok menunggu dalam bas tak bergerak. Fuh. Nasib baik adik aku ada, boleh aku main usik-usik. Haha aku rasa orang yang duduk seat belakang and sebelah aku tu mesti dengar je kitorang gelak-gelak.

So from Pekeliling, we took the monorail from that Titiwangsa station straight to  KL Sentral. It took almost half an hour. Arriving at KL Sentral, we quickly went to the fourth floor to pray at the musolla there. Surau tingkat 4 kat KL Sentral memang best sikit, lengang. Toilet kat situ pun lengang. So, siap solat kat situ, turun bawah ke tingkat 1 semula...carik KTM pulak untuk ke Shah Alam. At first I thought  I wanna ride bus Rapid U80 to Shah Alam, but Falaha said you need to have Touch n Go to ride the buses. Oh well. We shall ride KTM then.

We went to KTM, bought tickets to Shah Alam station...time tu dah pukul 5. Huhu. Janji ngan Syafiq nak sampai lebih kurang pukul 4.30. Nak buat macam mana, banjir punya pasal. The trip on the train from KL Sentral to Shah Alam took 45 minutes! If I took the Rapid bus...I don't know at what time would I arrive at Shah Alam. Probably longer, because of the traffic.

So, we arrived at Shah Alam KTM station in Section 19 at almost six. Pastu dok menunggu kat situ Syafiq and Majdi datang jemput...huhu penat punya pasal, aku rasa macam dah nak balik semula ke Kuantan dah. Lapar, nak tido, semua ada. Nasib baik Syafiq and Majdi sampai pukul 6 lebih, lepas tu straight pegi rumah Falaha. Haaa kat rumah Falaha apa lagi, makan la! Hehe.

Lepak kat rumah Falaha, tengok baby, lepas tu dalam pukul 7.30pm pergi masjid. Solat semua, nak dekat pukul 8.30 kitorang gerak semula. Aku ajak diorang makan, Syafiq kata nak belanja. Haha yesss! Tapi tak tau pulak nak makan kat mana. Last last pegi KL Sentral je, makan Subway kat situ.

Pergh...sedap! Haha ye la sedap, tak payah bayar! Pastu siap makan nak dekat pukul 10, went straight to KTM counter, bought tickets to Serdang. The train will arrive at 10 something, then babai kat Syafiq and Majdi, turun la kat bawah tempat menunggu. Pergi Serdang sebab ingat nak tido bilik Wan kat UPM. Nanti Nik Je ambik kat stesen Serdang. Tengok-tengok Nik Je ada sedang molek tunggu KTM nak balik Serdang jugak! Haha. Alhamdulillah. Allah jaga aku sepanjang di KL Sentral.

Bukan apa, sebab baca di FB IIUM On9, banyak rupanya kes perempuan kena ikut dengan strangers. Huhu. Lepas baca kes kes tu, cuak jugak aku. Tapi aku ada gak bawak weapon dalam handbag. Ni dia:

Haha nampak tak hujung pisau dia tu? Tajam la jugak. Aku beli masa jalan-jalan Melaka dulu. Beli kat GM Klang, harga RM13. Dia ada hujung silencer jugak, tapi aku pasang hujung pisau. Boleh buat alat mempertahankan diri.

So kitorang naik KTM, to Serdang it took less than half an hour I think. Sampai sana, naik kereta Nik, balik UPM, Timah sambut. Masuk bilik Wan, borak-borak macam zaman CFS dulu...haha. Wan cerita kisah hati dia. Wan, aku doakan ko moga ada jodoh inshaAllah hehe. Pastu tido...sebab esok, aku akan ikut diorang pergi Aqiqah anak Falaha pulak! Okay? To be continued...