You are (un)intentionally gaslighting! (Also, read this if people make you feel inadequate))

Bismillah.

So I had an epiphany today, I feel compelled to write it down now even though it's 1AM in the wee morning.

So last week I went to the park alone and just, like, walked around, had lunch all by myself. Guess what people said when they knew about it?

One guy at the park greeted me and asked where are my friends. I had to lie and said they went shopping.

My housemate also asked if I went there with a friend. I said no.

My brother said it would have been much more fun if you have a partner (read: husband) so that you can go jalan-jalan wherever you want with him.

ALL of these people saying these to me, as if I can't and won't be happy if I do it alone.

As if they are trying to guilt-trip me.

As if me, feeling happy and enjoying my time, is wrong if I don't have someone else with me.

HELLO!!!

This is the definition of gaslighting! (here's from Google: manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning)

You ARE making me question if my own feelings are wrong!!!

Grrr...I'm so angry.

I can't believe that I only realize this now.

All those weird feelings in my stomach whenever people ask where are my friends and why didn't I go with them. My feelings are actually trying to tell me something.

This...gap between what I really feel (i.e.: happy), versus what they expect me to feel (i.e.: a sad, lonely loser)

And DON'T even try to tell me that maybe I'm lying to myself, that maybe deep down I am feeling lonely.

Well, SCREW you! If you ever want to tell me that, that's taking gaslighting to the next level! You are invalidating my feelings, and again, making me question my own sanity.

And even if someone is lying to themselves (I'm giving you a wide benefit of doubt here), let them be! DO NOT gaslight them! If they are indeed wrong, give good advices and let them figure out on their own! That's the purpose of giving advices, so that they can learn! Not for YOU to CONTROL what they feel and and what they think!

Dear Allah...I feel angry. Huh.

If I feel happy going around, walking in parks, who are you to say it's a sad situation?

If I feel happy going to places and eating on my own, who are you to say that it's wrong?

I will ONLY tolerate another person being there with me, IF that person can make me feel more than happy being there.

If I feel enough on my own, of course I would expect the person wanting to be with me to make me feel even better! I won't even tolerate if that person makes me feel bad when doing things I like. Then I would rather do it alone!

I am enough! I am happy for myself! All these questioning whether I don't feel lonely or that I should have someone with me is just trying to make me feel bad!

Sure, I get it, being a loner is practically bad for the society because having a partner means you will be reproducing and making babies, meaning it is good for continuation of your generation line and good for humanity's survival and all that jazz...sure! Yeah, I get it. So your gaslighting is a result of societal pressure to not be alone and  have partners and make babies.

Sure...so I have to understand where you're coming from, but you don't need to understand MY point-of view?

So you're just saying I'm wrong for going against the grain?

Heck no, YOU are wrong. I am not going against the grain. I am not against marriage. I am just making sure that the person I'll be with is going to be worth my time. If he doesn't make me happier than I currently am, then why bother picking up extra work, RIGHT?

Just like you at your job! If the extra task your boss told you to pick won't result in higher bonus or salary, then why bother picking it up? In the end you will pick it up and RESENT it, won't you?

This is not too-high standard. This is BASIC! Not just for women but for men as well!

Huh. I wish my future self will remember to come back here and read this every time she feels lonely or inadequate.

Huh, I'm so mad I only notice this happening now. Well, at least I'm glad I finally notice it, rather than let myself wallow in self-doubt.

That's one thing to be thankful about.

Marrying a best friend.

Things happen for a reason, right?

Yeah. Not long ago, I've learnt what I actually want after someone confessed his love to me.

When he did that, God that made me feel messed up. I hate it when men tell me they like me. It makes me feel...umm...disgusted. I believe it is because it's hard to gain my trust.

Before, I didn't know what kind of characteristics I wanted in a husband. I didn't know what kind of a life partner I wanted. Now, after this thing happened, it became clearer that  I need a best friend as my husband. Not just a random guy coming to my house asking my hand for marriage. Why? Because I need to trust you before handing my life to you. I need to know that you can be relied on living with me and accepting whatever flaws I have. Only after that I wouldn't be in doubt to marry you.

Yep, I rejected that guy who confessed to me. Well, not really rejected, but sort of like friendzoned him, telling him I don't have any hopes to give to him. God, he was so straight forward telling me that he wanted a wife with house close to him so that it would be easy to go back for Raya. He even told me his plan on when to get married. It was like he was sure that I would  marry him.

Sorry bro, but the way you did it gave a slight hint of authoritativeness. I've never said that I wanted you, have I?

Hmm. At first I was really hesitant in rejecting, just because I'm afraid I won't have any luck with other men, thus causing me to be forever alone. But I gotta do what I gotta do, right? Yes, even though I am afraid of marrying, I am also afraid of living alone forever. Yes, it is true that I want to know what is it like living on your own and being independent, but even I would need a best friend by my side. Having a girl as my best friend won't do, because another guy would have her by his side and not mine. The only way I could have a best friend to stay by my side forever is by marrying one.

Huh. Yes. That is my idea of marrying.

But still, to marry someone is to trust him/her with your life, and to be living together by each other's side. How would you know that you are suited for each other? That's why I believe it is  best to marry a best friend. Because you've already known him, and you've love your best friend despite their flaws.

Well, at least that is my idea of a best friend.

+++

Yes, I love my best friend and I know she has her flaws, but I accepted it and instead put emphasizes on her charms and beauty. You can't help it, when you love someone you will be blinded. But now that she's married, I know I can no longer have her by my side, and have her listen to my problems, or have her accompany me to go shopping or something. She is now someone else's. She is no longer available for me. And I have to accept it, and move on, right?

Yep, it's sad. But at the same time I should be happy for her. I can't be selfish and said I want to her to be only mine, right?

Hmm. La la la la. Anyone wants to be another best friend of mine? It may be hard to gain my trust, but once you have it, you will be that special someone in my life. I'll make sure you won't regret it. 

Random Rambling

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Lama dah aku tak post something kat sini. Hah. Rasa macam dah tak penting je lagi blog ni.

Why? Dalam hidup aku dah tak ada cerita nak dicoretkan ke?

Well, not really. Cuma, aku tak tau nak tulis apa. Aku tak tau nak cakap apa.

You see, makin lama aku tak jenguk blog ni, sepatutnya aku semakin rindu + tak sabar-sabar nak tulis dalam ni.

But now, it seems that I’ve lost the spirit.

Why, you ask?

I don’t know myself. But maybe this blog is beginning to get more and more dull. Well, speaking of which, there IS nothing interesting in here.

Exactly. That’s my point.

At one time of your life, you will feel like you are insignificant enough. You aren’t needed enough. I mean, of course your parents and your close friends would feel like you’re important to them and all, but that just it. Nothing more, nothing less. They will still, and will stay, forever you parents and friends, and just that.

Well, I don’t know. Maybe this is good for me, maybe this is what I want. Or maybe not.

Then what do you do? How do you solve this insignificant feeling you have?

Go and find someone to acknowledge the importance of your existence?

 

Finding someone who admire you like you’re the only one in their life?

Oh.

Sounds like love to me.

***

So are you ready?

Accepting another to really be a part of you life?

But that’s it. When you come to think of it, that’s the real problem, the root problem of why marriage wouldn’t succeed. You see, when you, kind of, ‘accept’ someone into your life, you would’ve been happy because you think that your life is going to be on bed of roses for eternity. But always, always remember. Every good thing comes with a price.

Remember. Your other half, is also a human being. Thus, he/she would’ve need to live his/her own life, not forgetting to mention, having desires that may’ve been totally opposite of what we want. This, could be a reason behind a marital fight.

Second point is the thing that I’ve always been afraid of. I want to run away from it in so many instances now, but I barely manage to escape, not even once. It seems that I’ve failed to avoid or or even say ‘no’ to it. That is, responsibility. Now, now. This is one tough, tricky chick. Having accepted it may’ve bring benefits and advantages to you, but now that you have it, you’ll also have to take care of it.

Having another person entering your life, doesn’t that mean he/she is also under your responsibility now? Now that you need to take care not to hurt his/her feelings, remember what they like and dislike, be good with their families and friends and all…etc. etc. Ahh…there. Your responsibility has just piled up to a hill when you marry.

Now there’s one person, a friend of mine told me that people in love would never feel heavy to do something for their loved ones. Well, I guess that’s true. When you love someone you wouldn’t feel difficult at all trying to put up with him/her. You would even die for him/her. Tanggungjawab cinta, just like what my friend said. And I said, I don’t understand.

 

I …don’t understand.

***

Well then, I guess you wouldn’t be married if you’re not ready to accept those responsibilities yet. You shouldn’t be. Once you are truly prepared, however, that’s when love suddenly comes knocking you heart’s door.

Objection!

P/S: Pictures, credits to Nintendo DS Phoenix Wright series

Kawen Itu Menakutkan

Bismillahirahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Mmg, kawen itu sunnah nabi. And aku tau, satu hari nnti insyaAllah kita semua akan berkahwin.

Termasuk aku.

Err...

Let me tell you about a conversation between 4 girls in one afternoon.

Kak Dayah was eating lunchner( lunch+dinner) with us: me, Falaha & Fah. Then Kak Dayah was asking about her friend who was about to get married (I think, if not then why she asked the question?). She was asking: Ape pendapat korang kalau orang umur 23, kawen dengan orang umur antara 23-30 years old?

So masing2 bagi la jawapan masing2. Falaha said she doesn't mind the age asalkan tengok orangnye dulu la. Fah kate tak nak beza umo lebih dari 5 thun. Then my answer was aku kalau boleh taknak yang lebih 5 tahun. Kalau beza umur 3-4 tahun pun susah sket nak terima. Dalam umur beza setahun ok lagi. Kalau sebaya lebih baik. Because I believe in 'keadilan dlm pmbahagian umo' (ape la yg aku merepek ni).

So and so, we continued our conversation. Cakap2 pasal nak tunang bile and so2, sape kawen paling cepat nanti...sape calon2 nye...biase la pompuan klu dah lama tak jumpe, ade je bnda nak citer. Pastu kak Dayah tanya, kalau dah ada calon, macamane muamalat antara 2 org tu ek? Then I pointed out my opinion: Pergaulan tu macam biasa kita dgn kawan laki, cuma bila terasa mcm dah rapat sangat dgn kawan lelaki tu, we have to pull back. Because nanti, takut akan timbul perasaan suka pada hati lelaki tu, atau hati perempuan tu, atau both. Kak Dayah mngiyakannye. Falaha plak tanya: Nnti tak rase kesian ke plak kat laki tu? Kita dah lama kawan ngn dia,tetiba lari plak? That's why kita kena kuat, kak Dayah kata. Sebab pergaulan antara lelaki dan perempuan tu kan ade batasnya~~~

(Dear Lord...help me. I want to be strong too)

The three of them talked about marriage like it is easy. UIA pun mcm tu. Time tgah dgr briefing2 psl Security lah, Finance lah, pnjaman nak kawen lah, kursus kawen lah...msti ade je yg nak disebut pasal 'kawen'. Macam kawen ni amatlah senang, macam makan kacang agaknye. Then tgah2 diorg dok rancak bercerita pasal kawen bla,bla,bla...aku tetibe menyatakan pendapat aku: Eh korang, tak takut ke nak kawen?

Diorg tersenyap kejap. Terkejut agaknye dengar aku cakap macamtu.

Nak kawen tu mmg la takut, tapi biase2 je la. Lagipun bukan sekarang kita nak kawen, kan? Falaha jawab. Diorg yang laen pon setuju dengan  Falaha. Aku tak puas hati. Diorg ni macam tak takut je? Takdir Allah bukan kita tau. Kalau dibuatnye tengah kita borak2 time makan ni, tetibe kat umah ade sorang mamat mane tah datang bwk family nak datang meminang ko. Tak ke menakutkan tu?

Aku dah start terbayang. Aku tak sanggup nak bayang! Perkahwinan ni benda besar dalam kehidupan tau tak! Mana boleh buat maen2! Kalau dibuatnye kita terima je la a person tu tanpa sebab yang kukuh, tibe2 datang lagi sorang insan datang meminang kite. Tup tup person yg ke-2 yg lebih menepati citarasa (cewah, mcm pilih baju plak). Hah. Tak ke rumit tu? Pastu lepas kawen plak kene ade full time komitmen to your marriage, to your 'homeladder'. Tak takut ke? Tak takut ke nnti dah kawen, pasangan kita tu tak dapat menerima kita seadanya? Mak bapak dia tak terima kita? Tak takut???

Aku rasa perasaan takut aku ni sebab aku takut, pilihan yg aku buat dlm perkahwinan ni salah. Aku takut aku salah pilih. Bak buat lawak oleh Dr DolHadi: (in a quiet voice) This is my wife. Last choice~. Somehow I'm hoping for a perfect soulmate. The one that can read my mind and know what to do all the time.(kene cari Edward Cullen ah pasni). And aku tau, itu salah. Sebab mane ade orang yang perfect yang memang takkan pernah lukakan hati ko. Every human makes mistakes.

Including me. (it hurts to say this)

But deep inside, I keep telling myself to be perfect. I want to be perfect. I sometimes get tensed when I fail to be perfect. I got frustrated when I can't achieved something that people hope for from me.

Lelaki yang baik untuk perempuan yang baik, dan perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki yang baik. Kan? ;)

Aku takut. Sbb bg aku kawen ni mende trbesar dlm hidup seorg wanita.(cewah). Mngkin 'perkara terbesar' bg lelaki ialah pncapaian dlm hidup ke ape,mngkin nak harta, kereta atau nak bhagiakan hidup makbapak ke ape kan...ikut masing2. Tpi bg aku, setiap yg bernama pmpuan tu, trutamanya pmpuan Muslim, kene bersedia mnghadapi perkahwinan...(mcm mnhadapi mati plak). Bersedia tu bknnye sblm kawen, tpi start dr skrg! Time masih lagi remaja ni! Nnti umo kita makin meningkat!

Huh. I said stop, enough already, to them. But they keep on 'usik'ing me, cakap aku dah ada calon lah, tak lama lagi nak kawen lah...and all that. Aku dah macam....

(tolongla...korg dah abes gosipkan aku time kat matrik dulu...smpai sini budak tu pon dah takde pon nak gosip lagi ke? (-_-)'...turunla wang hantaran aku~~... ;P)

Okay, I know Tuhan punye kuasa. Sape spouse kita, kita takkan tau sbb bnda tu in the future. Ntah2 org yg kita kenal, ntah2 org yg kita bnci, entah2 strangers out there. But I dont know. I prefer the 3rd, strangers. I'm able to be nice to strangers, because they dont know who we really are. More surprising, but of course, it is more risky la.~

Huhu. Balik dari cafe pon, they still usik2 aku. Sape yg rase takut tu la yg biasenye kawen dulu. Kak Dayah usik. Aish. Aku dah pndang tmpat lain dah. Nmpak ade palang pemegang kaki lima kat situ, bwh tu ade tasik. Aku pnjat palang tu, nak pergi terjun dalam tasik. Fah smpat tahan, pegang tangan aku (haha, of cos la aku tak terjun tasik kot). Hah, bile aku ugut nak terjun tasik baru korg takut ea. Falaha kata, dah la tu, takyah pikirkan sngat...takde apenye...geram pulak aku rasenye. Ye la, bila org cakap "takyah la pikir..." nnti otak kita akan otomatik nak pikir lagi, pikir lagi...adoi...aku ni dah la jenis memikir sampai satu hari...huhu (T_T)'

Pastu bleh plak bila dah smpai mahallah, sempat lagi kata2 terakhir. Diorg dok usik2 sket2 lagi pasal aku kawen cepat. Fah kata, eh, dahla korg usik...kang terjun tingkat 4 plak budak ni kang...

Aku ni pantang org sebut. Haritu diorg dok sebut2 nak mintak roti lebih kat satu event tu, last2 aku tercakap pada abang roti tu secara spontan: "Nak roti." Berlaku dibawah sedar. Pastu dlm 2-3 hari Fah dok sebut pasal terjun2, aku nak gi terjun tasik plak. Ni Fah dah sebut pasal terjun tingkat 4...

"Haa...tengokla nanti mana lagi cepat. Aku kawen dulu ke, aku terjun tingkat 4 dulu."

Haha.
************************************

p/s:Dont wurie lah. I still ade akal la. Aku tak gile. Aiseh. Time kaseh la pade geng2 aku yg mngingatkan aku pasal kawen nih. Haha.