Childish

Bismillah.

As a human, we sometimes get jealous when we see other people have things that we don't have. That's natural. That's common.

So?

So I am jealous. Hmm, well maybe not. But maybe it has turned so bad that what I feel is no longer jealousy, but disgust.

Yes, disgust. That disgust when that other person gain the things that you can't get. Then I would continue blaming the reality is harsh and all those cliche things spoken in a soap opera.

Huh. I know, I know it's bad. But...

I'm not willing to change it. I...shall keep it hidden. Deep inside.

Why? Because I know it's bad. I know people won't agree with it. So I'd just keep it.

People would say, why won't you solve it through discussion?

...

...Lemme just keep this, okay? I'm sure everyone has some ugly things they're keeping inside.

And I should study more on how to be more grateful.

***

It seems like I'm getting sentimental, worse than them.

They're relaxed, and cool with the idea that I'm leaving.

And me? Overly excited and eager to take pictures with them.

What the heck.

...

Look, it's been fun, okay, and uh...

Hmmm, maybe I'd been tricked into believing that they like me.

...Maybe I should act natural and be cool about it too. Heh, I'm just excited with my first experience teaching in secondary school.

It's been interesting watching kids do fun things. Heck, it's even more fun to be doing those things myself. It keep us feeling young and creative, isn't it? It's not wrong to be a bit childish, isn't it?

The right to be validated.

The unknown future.

Bismillah.

So what's your plan for the future?

This is the question for you, and for my own self.

The hell. I don't know the answer. I mean, I do have plans, but they are just what they are. Just...plain plans. Not yet hatched into real actions.

And I'm not too eager to face them. It doesn't seem so bright and sunny to me.

Other people can say, hey you got a brilliant mind, you surely will succeed in life. But reality *is* harsh.

Huh, seems like I'm giving excuses from striving to lead my own future.

Yes, my dreams for the future are different from what my mother envisions. And that makes me confuse. Should I continue with my plans, or should I follow what my mom says?

Huh. And people said "Discuss!"

...

You know what, I'm not gonna say anything.

+++

I wanna go travel to another country, especially Japan. I wanna learn more on different cultures, take what's good from them and widen my own views on the world.

I wanna learn more. I wanna study more. I feel like I wanna study my whole life. But the problem is, that kind of reason is not enough to be given to scholarship interviewers.

I wanna work overseas, leave the comfort of my own country and challenge myself. I wanna work with freedom, I wanna discover something new, create, make, innovate. Sounds like scientists and researchers.

Huh. Sounds stupid.

You know what? It doesn't matter.

Even though I don't want to say this, but...lemme just...

Whatever.