I got dengue.

Bismillah.

Phew.

I just recovered from dengue. 

And I didn't even tell my family about it.

Got a high fever on Sunday, 16 Aug. Got back from grocery shopping from the mall right in front of the house, when suddenly felt weak and hot all over, for no reason.

Slept and rest, Monday WFH day also slept and rest, not much work. Then Tuesday was potluck day at the office, had to come no matter what. Even made some mix veggies using air fryer and brought it in.

Thank God those kids knew to set up tables even without me.

Boss kept asking why I was wearing double layer with sweater on, so I said I got fever. Head still dizzy, couldn't even eat most of the potluck food. A lot of them kept telling me to go back home and go to clinic.

Sad. Couldn't even eat most of the potluck food 🥲

Went home, stopped by clinic. Turned out what? Did blood test and doctor said I got dengue! 😵‍💫 He even did ultrasound just to make sure my organs weren't affected. Gave me referral letter and suggested to get admitted to hospital, or if not, tomorrow I should come again for another blood test and checkup.

At that time it still felt like okay, I can still hold on.

But nope. Next day Wednesday came, prepared my bag and stuff, asked my housemate (WFH) to help send me to hospital (I gave her my car key). Yeah, I surrendered. I definitely couldn't go to do blood test at the clinic on my own. Might as well surrendered and let hospital handles my daily blood check and my hydration.

So, yeah, got the IV drip and all, multiple blood test daily. First time admitted to hospital, first time IV drip as well.

Didn't even tell family. Only my housemates and officemates knew.

How could I tell mom? She's old, and she worries too much that it will ruin her. I can't tell her that. Was gonna tell brother, but turned out he was gonna go back hometown. I can't ruin his plans.

So I cried, the first night spent in the ward. Most of it because of the annoying IV on my left hand that I couldn't take off even if I want to take wuduk or shower or anything. It was soooo annoying 😫 they said they are strict with the IV hydration especially for dengue patients.

Then there was the aircond. It was so freaking cold that I kept shivering.

I cried under the blanket, then all of a sudden the doctor came with a nurse, asking why I was crying. So I said because I was cold. Thank God they shut off the aircond after that, it made life a bit more tolerable.

And a few minutes later I got an early period, meaning I don't have to be too annoyed of having to pull off the plaster on my IV hand just take wuduk. Though having period during dengue means you're losing more blood than normal, but thank God at least I can rest a bit.

Really, God was helping me. Thank You God.

Couldn't eat much, too tired to chew even though I did want to eat. Everytime I drank water, need to write down how much. Everytime I peed, need to measure and write down how much. When you have dengue, all that matters is fluid balance apparently. The doctor who took care of me was from nephrology.

Finally got discharged on Saturday, when my platelet was 68, an increase from 67, and my white blood cell count was improving. Still feeling dizzy and stuff, all I could do was order food, yet still couldn't finish, still tired. After eating a few bites, had to take a nap just to regain energy. After a few days finally managed to gather enough energy to do laundry, that also after a few rests in between.

Yep, I was sick. I was given MC for 10 days, the longest I've ever gotten. You know how I am, that I was more sick than I'm willing to admit.

Had to stay strong for myself. Always have to.

-----------------

My officemate wanted to come visit me at the hospital that Friday. She said she was looking for excuses to go out.

I said no. I wanted to rest.

She probably got annoyed by my answer.

But it's true. I wanted my privacy. I wasn't showering properly, I wasn't able to sleep properly, with how they kept coming to take my temperature, (they gave me 4 dose of PCM in a day, the most I've ever eaten 🫢), and how I was shivering still even though the aircond was already turned off (I was sweating on my back yet my front was still cold somehow 😵‍💫 things got weird with the effects of your hormones on period combined with your sick body 🥲)

And yet that officemate just wanna stop by just to find reasons to go out on a Friday afternoon? She said it's okay I can just continue sleeping? Heck no way if you're just gonna come to waste your time, heck no. Why should I sacrifice my precious rest time just to accommodate your 'free' time? Heck every footstep coming into my ward would immediately alert me, you think I can continue sleeping after hearing you guys coming over? No thanks.

My boss also said she wanna come, yet I also rejected saying I wanna sleep. I'm telling the truth.

And now what. Do they care? They didn't say anything else. They only worry at the start I guess. Or maybe now they saw I got MC for 2 weeks they don't care anymore? A bit jealous?

I told you, you shouldn't expect much. Don't get disappointed, sweetheart.

Hahhh. What do you want. What do you expect.

It's okayy. God helped me through. Thank You God.

Hah I thought I was gonna feel sadder than this. But apparently not 🫥

Sure, I cried at the hospital. But even if I told my family, even if there was someone staying with me, would I have not cried? No, I'd still cry. I was not crying because I felt alone, I was crying because of the IV, the pain, the aircond. I'd still cry no matter someone's there or not , no matter they knew or not. 

Though I do feel like a small part of hope in my heart died a little. Most of them might have already died, probably, but somehow there still left a small part, and it died a bit.

Eh.

Before this, the words 'no one cares about you' would make me feel like crying.

But now, as I repeat those words, all that's left is numbness, I guess 🫤 sure, maybe they do care in their own way, just like how I care for them on a very surface level way. 

Can't blame them.

Before this, even in those sadness I'd still hope for some silver linings, that there is someone out there who would care for me.

But me now? Meh. Kill that thought. Ain't no way, no one's gonna come. Heck no. You're on your own. You only have yourself to depend on. Don't trust them.

Don't.

Anyways, thank God I'm feeling better now 🙂 easy right? Easy to just read about it, without having to actually do anything about it.

Hah. Funny la you.

Working experiences

Bismillah.

Lately... things have been quite happening at work.

So our Big Boss came to Malaysia last week, he set up one-on-ones with whoever wanna sign up. I didn't. I have had my session with him before, though in a small group. This time it's voluntary, yet the invitation email was sent with High Importance label that a lot of people thought it was compulsory. So they ended up registering, wanting to cancel later yet can't since the session times have been booked. Well, slight drama there.

So this one girl in our girlfriends group, an intern-converted-to-permanent (I'll call her 'new girl') was one of those people, and her session was on Monday. Wednesday was townhall day so lots of people came to office, chatted with our group in the morning and from there we came to know that the new girl was stressed out from her one-on-one session that she cried because of it. She was asking something about the intern she was supervising, yet somehow the Big Boss's answer was like condemning her. I know the Big Boss can be rather 'intellectual' than emotional, so if you tried to share how you feel, he might not relate. So I didn't suspect much yet.

So afternoon came the Townhall, yada l yada corporate jargons and stuff, and all the usual push for AI. When the session wrapped up before Q&A, the Big Boss shared some anecdotes on the one-on-ones sessions he had. He mentioned someone asking advice on how to handle intern, and you know what's his answer? He said, "Why don't we ask CoPilot? (Microsoft's AI) I opened up the laptop and typed her question, then I got the answer in 5 seconds. She said wow!" 

Hearing that, I couldn't hide my disappointment. I don't know if those speakers at the front could notice, but man, I didn't hide nor control my expression. Nevermind that he was referring to our new girl friend, his answer on simply using AI felt...inhumane to me. I so disagreed with it that I had to stop myself from raising my hand and making a comment. I did rant out later, which we'll get into more details below (point 1).

Then came the Q&A, which they collected anonymously beforehand, and so the questions were read. One of the questions was "how should we handle underperformer that is causing trouble and lowering team morale, when escalation didn't work?" For this one his answer made sense, saying we're not escalating enough, then he shared the reviews they do every year to analyze such cases, and he also pointed out that the manager of the underperformer most probably an underperformer himself. I'm gonna add more on this, so this will be point 2.

So after the townhall ended we had free food for birthday celebration, while queuing our girl group met and chatted, here was where the new girl was also there and explained what exactly happened during her one-on-one session. Turned out her question was about how to handover or move to a different project when you've been handling the current project for so long now. Which the Big Boss answered maybe find a successor, which she mentioned her intern, which then ended up somehow she wasn't doing a good job supervising him if he kept coming back to her to ask questions. The new girl did shed tears when retelling the story, her issue was she felt pressured having to own the project alone, and when she tried to delegate to the intern, he'll end up coming back to her on how to do it, so might as well she just do it herself. 

We comforted her (hiding her tears from other colleagues), telling her that she was still new and that I understand her struggle to lead a project while also taking responsibility over someone else's work, balancing between giving guidance vs. trusting them to do it alone. And that her question might have been misunderstood by the Big Boss... since there was a big gap of positions between him and the new girl. At that point it got me venting on (point 1), what is his objective in setting up one-on-ones with us the lower levels, if he's not gonna relate to our daily troubles? Does he want us to come up to his level instead and think like him? And how could he answered to just use AI when the new girl was asking for advice?? Then why bother doing the one-on-one when she could've just ask CoPilot instead? Then why bother coming to office and collaborate with your colleagues when you could've just talk to AI???

At that point it was obvious that I was angry, my voice was loud and the girls said I was speaking so fast they were surprised 😂 mind you, the surrounding was full with other people waiting for the food, but thank God they were also chatting with each other so hopefully they didn't really hear what I said 🤷🏻‍♀️🫥🙊 anyways after hearing my outburst, one of the girls said she wanted to vote me as female president, or introduced me into the Women Leadership Network we have in our company. I smiled awkwardly, appreciate the thought but no thanks on the real work that will come after 😅😅

So along the chat, another girl (which was my direct report) will also have her one-on-one session with the big boss the next day, and she said she was gonna ask similar question about underperformer, since she's gonna be working with this one (working remote) guy that is well known for his underperformance that it stressed almost everyone who ever worked with him. Heck, I was also stressed, even though I've never worked with him, yet I allllllways hear about the trouble he makes to this one girl I'm close with. Remember point no. 2, the anonymous question about underperformers during townhall? Yes, I was the one who submitted the question. I admitted that to the girls, and at that point our other colleagues (including my direct boss, don't worry, he's cool) also got to know that I sent that question specifically to point out about that remote guy.

Overall, the townhall day was rather lively, with the heart-to-heart sharing within our girl group, and good snacks as well. Come Friday, I had one of my girlfriend to ask during her one-on-one session, on how to balance between asking AI for quick answers vs asking seniors who might be busy. The answer he gave made sense, then the girl I'm close with also got her session done, she said the Big Boss was pretty okay and that she got a good conversation. She's experienced so she understood the level difference and the kind of questions to ask. 

Anyway later that Friday afternoon, suddenly my boss's boss called me in. I don't have much expectations, I thought she was gonna ask me about work. My boss's boss is pretty chill too, she used to be my direct boss when I first joined the company, so I am pretty comfortable with her. So I closed the door, sat down smiling. Then she asked me, 'the question about the underperformer during townhall, was it you who ask? Can I know what's behind that?"

So I admitted, stammered a bit since I seriously didn't expect that, and I mentioned that I was referring to the remote guy. She asked what kind of complaints I'm hearing from others, so I told her. She said she heard from my direct boss that I admitted to sending that anonymous question, I said yes. I got nothing to hide, man. Then she asked if the girl who's my direct report, if she also has complaints, I said yes since she has started working on a project with that remote guy.

Turns out.......

My direct report girl asked about underperformers during her one-on-one with Big Boss (as she had rightfully mentioned during our girl chat), and now the big boss got alerted. (I guess since the same topic got brought up twice). So now Big Boss asked my boss's boss about it, and my name got mentioned!!! 🫣 That's why I got called into her office!!! Haha...turns out, Big Boss said to her, 'hmm who's this girl's supervisor? Oh it's Fate (me), maybe she's the underperforming manager who didn't do anything on another team member who's not performing, maybe that's why this girl complained to me during one-on-one'.

🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

I could only laugh, as it felt incredulous that this has come back to me in full circle!!! I was the one who brought up that (anonymous) question during townhall, I shamelessly admitted to my boss and colleagues about it. I know my direct report is going to ask about underperformers in her one-on-one session, and somehow now that Big Boss is targeting me as the underperforming manager??? I guess he didn't realize that we are a global team who work with other departments from other countries as well, he didn't realize that perhaps the underperformer may be is from different department, different country??? Somehow he set his sight on me???

Hahhhh

Incredulous

Anyways I don't really care. At that point if he wants to target me, put me on PIP (Performance Improvement Plan), if he wants to fire me, go ahead!! I'm just pointing out the truth, the pain point that has been tormenting our team for how many years now. I don't really care, I've also finding reasons to try new place after working for so long there 🤷🏻‍♀️ but I know my boss boss is trusted, she said she will clear things up with the Big Boss. Regarding the underperforming remote guy, they all know already, my boss boss shared the email she sent to the boss boss boss of the remote guy last month, so I guess now even my boss boss boss should also already know (which would be the Big Boss's direct report). But she said it's just that maybe they don't have time to action on it... 🤷🏻‍♀️

Seriously, that remote guy has been causing trouble for almost 2 years now. If we really manage to get him off by this year, I will congratulate the team and consider it a win 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyways, that's the end of the big drama last week. This week got just a small drama, team change where boss wanna put 2 people as team lead, but only one is approved at last minute. I already leaked the 2 people's name (I hope that's not considered mulut tempayan 😅 I'm just preparing the team on the change)

Now that one person didn't get to be team lead because his promotion cycle could only be next year, so it won't be fair if boss gave him people management task this year if salary won't go up. I guess that's fair, but the impact on me? Now I have one more person added as my direct report (total 4). I did got a bit of salary increase for it I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️ and I guess that shows that boss trusts me. Take that, Big Boss, still think I'm underperforming? 😏

Anyways, I know some people are looking to be promoted, they consider it as their career growth. But I'm not. I didn't ask for this position. One time I even asked boss if I could be demoted and get a lower salary instead 🤷🏻‍♀️ but no... Here I am as team lead. Lately though I've been hearing supportive words from the girls, like the one who said I should be president, and a few weeks back an ex-colleague said she would join back the company if I became manager, and then also the girl close to me said my emotional intelligence is good 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't know how true those words are, but little did they know that I do remember what they said 🙈

All these reminded me of those times when I was a VP2 of a committee during foundation year... 😶‍🌫️

---------------------------------------

Who would've thought... With all the complains and rants about work that I've written in here, turns out I now have 11 years of working experience (7years in my current comp) 🤷🏻‍♀️

Breakup.

Bismillah.

If everyone likes you and finds you reliable, you'd think that's a good thing, right?

...

What if, as a consequence, everyone goes to you whenever they need help, until you feel torn apart and exhausted from having to give attention to all of them?

...I think I'm an ambivert. I would be nice to strangers on a good day, until that stranger no longer feel awkward with me. But at the same time, my energy drains every time I talk and smile.

How do I fix this?

How do I take a break, when everyone's depending on me?

Why are you so scared to take a break? Because you're scared you will burden our colleagues for having to take over your job?

But if you send your resignation letter now, you'll still stay until project completion. Should be no problem there, right?

Or is it because you are scared you'll be alone once you quit work? That all those people that you've help, would no longer have opportunity to reciprocate? That you wouldn't have your return of investment?

Why are you expecting something back?

No, I'm not.

I'm scared of being alone.

That mean's I'm putting work as my main identity.

I'm depending on work to give me life meaning.

That...I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Meaning, you are actually depending on something. You're not fully independent.

You gotta take back your identity.

Your freedom.

You are not your work.

You can survive any other places.

You have always been flexible. Just see how you are nice to everyone, without prejudice.

You can survive.

It's okay if you end up being a cleaner.

As long as you stay happy with yourself.

It's okay if you lose all those people from work who like to hang around with you.

That means they only hang around you because they get something from you.

Once you stop giving it to them, they stop being nice to you. 🤷

You gotta cut your losses.

Please...be nice to your own self.

What if you see your best friend suffering like you right now? What kind of advice would you give her?

I would say... take a break.

Stop thinking if your break would cause trouble to the project or the people.

You need it.

You yourself might break if you don't take this break.

You are breaking.

That's why you're reaching out like this.

If you can take it, you'd never raise this issue.

It is an issue, that's why it's appearing.

Like an illness or a disease. If you're healthy, nothing is an issue. But once you're sick, symptoms pop up. And when symptoms pop up, that's when you need to take medicine.

Even if the medicine is bitter.

Even if...quitting your job is bitter.

It's almost like breaking up from a relationship.

Admittedly, I like what I'm doing.

I'm involved with building SQL logic.

And I like the colleagues. They are nice people.

Bosses as well, they are all good people.

Yes, it's like breaking up.

You're sad that you have to end this.

Imagine those scenes in romance movies saying, "I love you, but we can't continue like this," while crying.

Yes, it feels like that.

Why can't we continue, you asked?

It's because I feel like I'm giving too much.

You might say you can change.

But for now, I just need a break.

To re-evaluate my life back.

I'm sorry.

But I need it.

I need it.

Dear God...

Hah...

Please...help me.

It will be a tearful breakup.

I will need to recognize and acknowledge that.

It's okay.

It does hurt.

You will cry.

But it's okay.

It will be okay.

At least you'll only cry once during the breakup.

Instead of crying yourself to sleep every night and in the morning before work.

 

It's okay.

It shows how passionate you are working there.

It shows how invested you are.

Which is not a bad thing.

It's okay, cry. It is a sad breakup.

It is sad.

Your heart will hurt, during the breakup process.

But only that time.

Your heart will stop hurting from the daily work itself.