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December 28, 2015

Work.

Bismillah.

I would say that I'm afraid to say this, but I would still say it.

I don't wanna work.

Please.

I just wanna stay in, doing things I want.

I don't wanna meet my boss, my colleagues.

I don't want that dual-monitor and that Dell CPU anymore.

I don't want to be bothered by the AMS team, doing this and that for them.

I don't want to just be doing this for money. Hell, if I am, then I'm just the same like everyone else.

Urgh, screw work! SCREW WORK!

...

Why am I afraid to tell you this?

Because I don't have a backup plan. I don't know what I wanna do if I quit my job. I just...

I just don't wanna be bothered.

...

Urgh, I'm on leave, AM I NOT?!

Then why the hell are you disturbing me??

And why the hell am I worried on my job??

ARGGHH!

...

It's that time of the month. I just get pissed off, having no motivation to want to do anything.

I feel like I wanted to punch the walls, but that would only hurt my hands.

Shouting out of the window, neighbors would be scared and call the police.

Bang something in my room, my stuff would be broken and my room would turn into a mess, and I'm the one who would have to clean it up later.

Ugh, my heart says to let it out, but my brain rationalizes.

In the end, what can I do about it?

...

Pray.

Don't just hope it would be answered, believe it would.

Because God is Almighty. Because God can do anything. That's why it's going to be okay.

December 13, 2015

Cherished

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

It's amazing how spending time with precious old friends leaves various feelings in your heart.

You didn't even talk much. You just listened. And how that affected their feelings, and yours. 

They were eager to do so, and you were there, attentive. Even if they told you to talk, you would stumble, say a few words, then go quiet again. 

...Your story becomes a secret. 

It's not that I don't want to tell it to them, it's the feeling of happiness when someone ask you on how your life has been. The feeling of touched when someone cares to listen to your story. The feeling that someone is interested,  but wouldn't judged you on whatever you told them on what you've done.

I know how to do that. I know how to make them feel appreciated when talking. 

But I don't trust them to do so to me. My life story isn't as interesting. 

It's shallow. Bland. Boring. You could've listen to a better story than that. 

So I'll make them happy by listening. And when they're happy, I'm satisfied. 

**********
I don't wanna leave. 

If I leave, we won't be able to see each other again.

Maybe we can, later, but right then they were in front of me. If I leave, I'd be alone again.

As I've always been. 

... I should be fine.