You are (un)intentionally gaslighting! (Also, read this if people make you feel inadequate))

Bismillah.

So I had an epiphany today, I feel compelled to write it down now even though it's 1AM in the wee morning.

So last week I went to the park alone and just, like, walked around, had lunch all by myself. Guess what people said when they knew about it?

One guy at the park greeted me and asked where are my friends. I had to lie and said they went shopping.

My housemate also asked if I went there with a friend. I said no.

My brother said it would have been much more fun if you have a partner (read: husband) so that you can go jalan-jalan wherever you want with him.

ALL of these people saying these to me, as if I can't and won't be happy if I do it alone.

As if they are trying to guilt-trip me.

As if me, feeling happy and enjoying my time, is wrong if I don't have someone else with me.

HELLO!!!

This is the definition of gaslighting! (here's from Google: manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning)

You ARE making me question if my own feelings are wrong!!!

Grrr...I'm so angry.

I can't believe that I only realize this now.

All those weird feelings in my stomach whenever people ask where are my friends and why didn't I go with them. My feelings are actually trying to tell me something.

This...gap between what I really feel (i.e.: happy), versus what they expect me to feel (i.e.: a sad, lonely loser)

And DON'T even try to tell me that maybe I'm lying to myself, that maybe deep down I am feeling lonely.

Well, SCREW you! If you ever want to tell me that, that's taking gaslighting to the next level! You are invalidating my feelings, and again, making me question my own sanity.

And even if someone is lying to themselves (I'm giving you a wide benefit of doubt here), let them be! DO NOT gaslight them! If they are indeed wrong, give good advices and let them figure out on their own! That's the purpose of giving advices, so that they can learn! Not for YOU to CONTROL what they feel and and what they think!

Dear Allah...I feel angry. Huh.

If I feel happy going around, walking in parks, who are you to say it's a sad situation?

If I feel happy going to places and eating on my own, who are you to say that it's wrong?

I will ONLY tolerate another person being there with me, IF that person can make me feel more than happy being there.

If I feel enough on my own, of course I would expect the person wanting to be with me to make me feel even better! I won't even tolerate if that person makes me feel bad when doing things I like. Then I would rather do it alone!

I am enough! I am happy for myself! All these questioning whether I don't feel lonely or that I should have someone with me is just trying to make me feel bad!

Sure, I get it, being a loner is practically bad for the society because having a partner means you will be reproducing and making babies, meaning it is good for continuation of your generation line and good for humanity's survival and all that jazz...sure! Yeah, I get it. So your gaslighting is a result of societal pressure to not be alone and  have partners and make babies.

Sure...so I have to understand where you're coming from, but you don't need to understand MY point-of view?

So you're just saying I'm wrong for going against the grain?

Heck no, YOU are wrong. I am not going against the grain. I am not against marriage. I am just making sure that the person I'll be with is going to be worth my time. If he doesn't make me happier than I currently am, then why bother picking up extra work, RIGHT?

Just like you at your job! If the extra task your boss told you to pick won't result in higher bonus or salary, then why bother picking it up? In the end you will pick it up and RESENT it, won't you?

This is not too-high standard. This is BASIC! Not just for women but for men as well!

Huh. I wish my future self will remember to come back here and read this every time she feels lonely or inadequate.

Huh, I'm so mad I only notice this happening now. Well, at least I'm glad I finally notice it, rather than let myself wallow in self-doubt.

That's one thing to be thankful about.

That 18+ 'thing'

Bismillah.

So I have a confession to make.

I am a bit annoyed that no one, NO ONE ever told me anything about this one thing.

I bet no one told you too. Well, maybe just some of you.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

I'm talking about that 18+ stuff. Yes, the stuff that married people do. And no, I won't mention that word here. IYKYK.

You know, there's a LOT of things wrong with how we're taught about this thing. Or the lack of education on it.

Or maybe that's just me. Maybe your parents or someone else did tell you about it.

But not me!

I never cared about this stuff. I didn't even know what's the deal with it, and why people talk about it so much. In movies, song lyrics, jokes etc. Heck, I used to hate it. Felt disgusted by it. To the point that I don't even care about marrying, as I might kick my significant other if he ever made a move. You know how some of us were taught that this thing is bad so we should avoid it like the plague, like how there were a lot of rape cases on the news that were scary and upsetting?

Makes me wonder how my friends are all marrying and getting children, while we all got education from the same place, around the same time. Maybe I'm the only mistake?

Hah, mistake or not, I'm a late bloomer I guess.

Yes, I used to hate it. But now...*sighs and facepalms*

NO ONE told me that we have all these damned hormones that we can't control!

All of a sudden, without warning, after 30+ years of living no less, I started to get curious about it. Because my body started to feel things. Think about things. For no freaking reason.

And it is making me repeatedly bang my head on the wall! (figuratively)

Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

You know, I told you I don't want to marry. I'm fine staying single. Because I don't want to sacrifice my freedom. Because I don't want to be someone else's slave. I don't want to be bothered dealing with people's problem. I'm ok playing with kids, but I'm also fine with having no children. No need to stay awake at nights or cleaning up after their mess.

But just because of this ONE friggin' reason, it's making me waver.

That's how frustratingly uncontrollable this thing is. If it can compete with my steadfast need for personal space, then it is a problem.

Is it worth sacrificing my freedom for?

*bangs head on the wall again*

...Should I take some hormonal pills?

Seriously...this thing is what drives me to stay online on all those dating apps. Previously it was my family who forced me to, but now I'm on there on my own volition.

Driven by freaking hormones.

And damn, it's not good AT ALL.

Kids, take this as a lesson. Don't be like me.

Don't let your relationship be driven by your hormones. Because that's just a huge mistake waiting to happen.

Not that it happened to me, not yet at least, hopefully never. But you should choose your partner based on sound thinking.

I think I did good on that part hopefully. I also think it has tighten my proverbial net of criteria for potential partners. Honestly, I even de-beautify my profile just to spite my hormones. Hah. I bet if you see my profile you'd stay away from me *smirks*.

Huh.

Whatever turns out from all those apps, at least the experience helps me learn more of myself and what I want.

---

*sighs*

This is a test, for me, really.

God is giving me a test.

And I hope God helps me to be patient with it, too.

Dear God, forgive me.

And help me, please. 

***

Unpopular opinion on marriage

Bismillah.

What do I want...honestly.

Right now, there's some sort of love bug going around in our rented house. Suddenly, all of us began seeing someone.

But not all of us ended up successful.

That one housemate I'm rather close with, she met with someone else's husband. That guy told her after a month of them together.

The other housemate, she was okay with that guy, but currently he is jobless. But I guess still okay, since jobs can always be found.

The other housemate...seems to have hope. They are even in talks of marriage already. They like each other, so that's good. They met through Tinder.

Me?

Uhh...

Falaha introduced me to his husband's friend who is still single, same age, studied in UIA as well. A good guy...but I am not convinced.

It's not him...it's me. 

(Lol, typical reason for a breakup)

No, really. I am bored. I want something more. He's a normal guy, perhaps a bit shy, but otherwise nice and normal.

I guess...I am choosy.

Yes, I am. I know myself as not really wanting a lot of stuff, but once I want something, I make sure I get the best for the price I'm willing to pay. I buy something because I really want it, and I know why I bought it.

But this new 'friendship'...I don't know. Do I put in more effort to make it work? Doesn't feel like it's worth it. Do I give up then?

Or maybe...because this is not something I want. That's why I'm acting nonchalantly. But if so...then it's not good for him.

But earlier on, I already told him I don't promise anything from this acquaintance. I don't promise that this would move towards marriage. I said I'm just getting to know people to understand myself better, whether marriage is a thing for me or not.

Truth is...after knowing him, I'm becoming okay with not marrying.

Sure, I would love to have someone who takes care of me, who loves me...but am I ready to take on responsibilities, accept that person's faults and flaws, and serve him for the rest of my life?

Huh...jaga diri sendiri pun dah sedia susah. Apatah lagi jaga orang lain.

Aku rasa macam...apa gunanya kahwin kalau kita (perempuan) dapat susah? Lepas kahwin, perempuan kena kemas rumah, masak, basuh baju, layan laki, hadap perangai insan lain dalam hidup kita, dengar cakap dia, tak boleh lawan arahan suami...dalam masa yang sama juga berkerja, untuk bantu kewangan rumahtangga. Kalau sebelum berkahwin pun kita dah buat semua ni, cuma bezanya hidup single, kita cuma perlu hadap perangai diri sendiri je. Apa benda-benda lain yang kita nak buat, semua tak ada halangan. Tak perlu mintak izin sapa-sapa. Tak perlu risau ambil hati sapa-sapa. 

Aku pikir, apa lelaki boleh bagi aku? Duit? Kalau aku sendiri pun berkerja, apa guna duit yang orang lain bagi? Lelaki boleh bagi anak? Nanti yang kena tanggung bersalin 9 bulan: aku, yang tanggung sakit beranak: aku, yang jaga anak malam-malam, menyusukan anak, jaga anak sampai besar...kerja siapa? Perempuan kan? Kerja lelaki apa? Kerja je. Kalau lelaki nak complain kerja susah, hello, perempuan pun kerja susah jugak. Kenapa perempuan kena tanggung lebih banyak benda dari lelaki?

Ini aku tak paham.

Tak, aku tak cakap aku tak suka perkahwinan. Itu nabi larang. Aku masih open untuk kahwin, kalau jumpa lelaki yang betul-betul aku boleh percaya. Susah nak jumpa. Aku memilih? Yes, biar aku memilih. Sebab sekarang, yang aku nampak macam ni. Secara logiknya, antara hidup single yang ada kebebasan dan tak ada tanggungan, banding dengan hidup berumahtangga yang kau sebagai perempuan kena tanggung semua...baik aku stay single.

Takut dah tua nanti sunyi, tak ada teman? Tak ada anak untuk dijadikan harapan?

Sini aku nak tanya kau. Siapa jamin suami dan anak-anak kau akan kekal dengan kau sampai mati? Kalau diorang mati dulu sebelum kau? Akhirnya kau akan sama macam orang single jugak. Tak ada beza. Siapa yang boleh bantu kau bila dah tua nanti? Aku kurang setuju dengan orang yang nak anak sebab nanti dah tua ada orang jaga. Anak itu bukan pelaburan masa tua kau macam KWSP atau PRS (Private Retirement Scheme). Anak itu dilahirkan, dibesarkan untuk menyiapkan dia menghadapi dunia luar. Anak itu dilahirkan sebagai insan lain yang perlu dilatih untuk mampu berdiri sendiri dalam hidup dia. Kenapa kita nak ikat dia dengan kontrak yang dia perlu jadi orang suruhan kita sebab kita dah jaga dia? Yes, tanggungjawab anak adalah berbakti kepada ibu bapa. Tapi itu tak bermaksud ibu bapa perlu bergantung kepada anak.

Tak setuju? Tak apa. Siapa aku nak membebel pasal anak, sedangkan aku kahwin pun belum.

Hmm.

Yes, mungkin orang cakap cinta dan kasih sayang antara suami isteri tu best. Tapi berbaloi ke dengan kerja-kerja tambahan yang kau dapat lepas kahwin? Adakah dengan kata-kata manis dari laki kau tu dah cukup untuk bayar semua lelah yang kau dapat?

...Mungkin cukup je sebenarnya, ek? Sebab tu lebih ramai orang kahwin berbanding stay single, ek?

Entahlah. Aku...susah nak terima kata-kata manis. Orang cakap terima kasih pun, aku tak reply 'sama-sama'. Aku reply macam ni:

1)

Orang    : Terima kasih.

Aku    : Takde ape lah/ No problem.

Maksud    : Tak susah pun tolong kau. Sebab tu aku tolong. Biasanya sebab orang ni aku sayang betul, or sebab aku nak balas budi, or sebab pertolongan tu memang ringan je.

2)

Orang    : Terima kasih.

Aku    : Okay/Orait.

Maksud    : Apa yang dia mintak tolong tu susah aku nak buat. Tapi aku tolong jugak. So, reply aku pendek je sebab lebih baik kalau dia tak mintak tolong aku.

Reply nombor 2 tu banyak aku guna dalam kerja sekarang. Soalan complicated users bagi, dan bila aku jawab, aku takde rasa gembira pun bila diorang cakap terima kasih. Aku bukannya hadap sangat terima kasih diorang. Lebih baik kalau diorang tak kacau aku dengan soalan-soalan susah tu. Aku perasan, aku bukanlah orang yang perlukan penghargaan sangat. Kalau aku siapkan kerja pun, aku tak mengharap orang perasan dan ucap terima kasih pun. Kerja aku sekarang, bos aku diam relax je takde susah-susah nak puji performance aku pun. Cukup dia bayar gaji aku bulan-bulan dah. Dia tak nak bagi bonus ke, increment ke takpelah, janji dia tak kacau aku dan kerja aku pun tak banyak sampai stress. Cukuplah. Aku bukan mintak perhatian pun. Cukuplah dengan dia layan aku baik, tak menyusahkan hidup aku.

So, berdasarkan apa yang aku tulis at atas, nampaknya aku kena carik lelaki yang layan aku dengan baik, yang tak mengharapkan aku (boleh bawak diri) dan tak menyusahkan hidup aku. Partner ibarat seorang bestfriend dan housemate yang bertanggungjawab. Rumah tu kau duduk jugak kan? Kenapa aku sorang je yang kena kemas semua? Lainlah kalau kau bayar aku untuk buat semua tu.

Kalau macam tu lebih baik hire maid, kau cakap? Tapi kau tak boleh tidur/buat anak dengan maid kau.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

My values.

Bismillah.

Does it make sense?

...No, for me it doesn't.

Does it make sense? Kenal sebab kawan kenalkan each other, then contact through WhatsApp, tanya soalan nak berkenalan dalam sebulan gitu...lepas tu jumpa beramai-ramai makan sama-sama.

That's it. Jumpa just once.

And time-time tu jugak kawan tanya, "So...bila nak jumpa mak bapak?"

....Kepala hotak dia.

Kawan kesayangan aku ni, Tapi ada jugak yang aku marahkan dia.

"Senang buat macam tu, nanti takdelah kenal lama-lama lepas tu tak jadi."

1. Tak adil. Kau sendiri kahwin dengan kawan yang kau kenal dari kecil. Even so, at some point in the past you were still not sure if you will marry him or not. Itu kawan dari kecik tau, aku ni? Baru first time jumpa.

2. Hati budi orang ni pun aku tak tau. Apa dia suka, apa dia tak suka. What's my likes and dislikes pun dia tak tahu. Nama penuh each other pun tak tau! And you think we should already make a move for the next step in relationship? What relationship?? At this point I don't even consider him as friends! And you want me to meet his parents already? WTH??

3. Not in line with my values. Orang macam aku, if I am to adopt/accept a certain learned knowledge/facts, I need to make sure it's in line with my own logic. Example: Kalau belaja Math, belaja mesti sampai faham dalam hati, dan dengan keyakinan. Kalau takat hafal, nope, won't work. Right now, you are telling me to just go on with it without conviction. And that's against my values.

Huh...

Maybe I should just stop this. Just tell them that I can't do it. I can't do what they expected me to do. Bukan salah mamat tu pun. He didn't do anything. Kawan-kawan yang pushy tanya so what's the next plan. Although I understand their view, but that doesn't necessarily mean I agree with them. I have my own values.

Kawin tanpa kenal betul-betul? Not my style. If I'm gonna marry, better marry with conviction. Sorry friend, I hope this won't affect our friendship.

Huh...perhaps it's just me. Aku yang nak kenal-kenal dulu. Kawan dulu. Maybe diorang punya perception lain, once I agree to meeting up, that means I want to proceed with the relationship. Maybe this part is where we misunderstood each other. Maybe it's worth clearing this up between all of us.

So first, I would need to be clear with that mamat. It's not his fault, just that if he's expecting the same thing, I would have to say no. I didn't agree to this with that kind of mindset. I need to ask him first what he thinks about it, before telling him my thoughts.

Second, let my friend know that I'm not going to go through with it. Like she said, better stop now that let it continue longer than it should. Tell her I'm not in this with marriage mindset.

Third, I need to setup a game plan on my own, if I want to search for some guy friends to get to know. Maybe this friend-introduce thing won't work as effective, especially since this guy is a close friend to both of them. So I would be seen as the bad guy if I did something wrong.

And all in all, ask God for guidance.

Hmm...what kind of game plan? Tinder? Out of the question. Those matchmaking websites? Don't know how far should I trust them. But right now I'm sure, I need to do this on my own. Doing it with help from others brings too much pressure.

Relax, you're not rushing to get married. You're happy with being single right now, it's just that you're curious on whether you would want to get married or not if you know some guy friends.

We'll see.

a lot going on

Bismillah.

I have a lot going on recently.

Suddenly. 

Hah. My life has been slow since last year I guess there's a need to stir it up a bit.

There's a saying: if you don't want to move/change, then life's gonna push you to, whether you like it or not.

One of the big ones: My brother's getting married. Well, two of them.

Which makes me think: what about me?

Hah. 'I'm being left behind' is my first thought. My family's won't be there anymore. They've gotten their own now.

I'm starting to feel more...lonely I guess. Haha I'm starting to think, how much lonelier can I get?

Two: We're moving to a new house.

Not just me, it's my family. We're moving to a bigger house since our family is expanding anyway.

Which means...a lot of cleaning and packing up stuff...spending money to buy new furniture...

Got me thinking: When am I gonna buy my own house?

Three: Weddings.

Well, who else? My brothers of course. I'm not the one who needs to plan anything, but there are some things that need to be discussed across our extended family members. Like who's going to the event, how many cars, where are we gonna stay, should we where clothes of the same color etc. etc....

It's not heavy, but just a bit awkward. Since it's 'extended' family so you don't really talk to them very often (meaning: rarely). 

And there's a lot of nuances you need to know, like, what's appropriate to say so that you wouldn't unintentionally hurt their feelings.

That't what making me anxious. It's like trying to cooperate with strangers, but you need to be more careful. Because if it's just strangers then they have nothing to do with you and you won't be meeting them afterwards, but since it's your distant relatives...well, they're your father's or you mother's family and you would be meeting them during gatherings and stuff. You can't avoid it.

I just...I guess I'm just uncomfortable. I'm just worried that their impression on me is bad, because I'm working in KL and I haven't been socializing with them that much, and I have been quiet...

sigh

I guess it's just me then.

Four: Weekend classes

I signed up for some classes on weekend, just to fill in my boring, uneventful life. Hah, now you'd think I regret it huh?

Nah, not really. Tiring, yes, but I don't regret it. Those classes help actually. Now I feel like I do have something, instead of feeling uselessly and endlessly going on a rat race working in a corporate world.

Just that I'm impatient I guess. Impatient to proceed to the next level, impatient to be good at it, impatient to succeed.

Dude, sabar boleh tak? Haha.

Five: I'm going to Japan!

...Not that exciting I guess, since we're in planning stage, and I don't enjoy planning.

And, it doesn't help that I have never been overseas before. Unless you count Singapore as one. Lol.

I got no experience, so I'm doubtful about everything. Haha, I still remember when I wanted to book a flight to Singapore for a business trip, that was my first time ever. I froze for more than 1 hour in front of the computer, scared of making any mistakes. I mean, the price on the ticket itself is already scary since I'm booking for a business trip and there's no promotion going on at that time. My boss had to reach out to one of my colleague to come to my desk and help me with it.

And finally, six: Work.

Hah, when has it ever be not busy with work?

...I guess the previous (no-boss) weeks have been slow. Well, no boss, what's you expect haha. Now that the bosses are back...

Not really. It's just that there's some complications and I need to help out on ironing that issue out.

What's tiring is that the issue is urgent, and it's involving me writing up walls of codes.

Just last week I spent the whole week (like 6 working days straight) just writing up codes to estimate some data. Needless to say, now I've lost meaning of them since I've been staring at them for too long. (Haven't even mentioned how the boss got so picky about me making one mistake and pointed it out during a meeting with everyone else. Thanks for ruining my self-confidence, boss.)

Which is crazy, because now they want me to write up another wall of codes to solve a slightly different issue. Which I don't quite get it; you got so angry with me making mistakes in my codes, then why are you giving me another coding task?

I know why. Because we ain't got not enough people in the office.

In AMS there are 3 people, now 1 of them, the one who knows most about our products and the one that I suppose would be doing the estimation coding task, except that now she goes on a 2-week holiday.

While in KL there are, like, 8 people. 1 of them is on 2-months sabbatical but she's actually leaving the company, so there'll be 7 of us. 4 of them are full-time working on specific projects that only they know how to do it, 1 of them is on a business trip, and 1 of them is a new-joiner. Who's left? Me. I have to take over half of the tasks that the 4 project people used to do before they got so busy, and...! I also have to teach the new joiner on tasks that she needs to do.

...Huh. We've been having this problem ever since 3 years ago, still unsolved. It's like a curse, where our office will never have more than 10 people in it. Yes, we do put up job ads but hiring has been REALLY slow while average employee retention is like 2 years. In 3 years, our office which started with 6 people, there have been 9 new hiring, but also, 8 people leaving. So now we end up with just 1 people more than what we have when we first started.

Funny isn't it.

I'm not jumping ships yet, I admit, I'm starting to feel comfortable with the benefits that my company is offering. But then...the prospect of being overwhelmed with work might scare me in the future.

Changing jobs is tough and mendokusai, so I ain't looking forward to doing it anytime soon.

#Fate