Move on.

Bismillah.

"Weyh, congrats."

"Terima kasih. Hang bila pulak?"

"Heh." Aku senyum kambing. "Entah."

"Cariklah calon. Nak? Kawan saya ramai."

"Ceh." Aku senyum kambing lagi.

Entahlah Zak. Aku rasa...aku dah rapat sangat dengan kau.

Sampai dunia aku dengan lelaki jadi sempit. Siapa je lelaki yang aku kenal, selain kau dan classmates kita tu?

Ceh, betul aku kata. Aku dah rapat sangat dengan kau.

Ini tak sepatutnya jadi. Kau tu dah mula hidup jadi suami orang. Kita tak boleh rapat lagi.

Aku...

Aku susah nak move on?

Kejap, kejap. Aku dengan kau...kita rapat. Tapi...

Kita tak ada ikatan janji apa-apa kan?

Jadi...kau boleh kahwin dengan sesiapa yang kau suka. Tapi...

Tak. Tak. Aku tak nak cakap yang aku suka kau. Aku tak terfikir pun nak kahwin dengan kau.

Tapi...jujur aku cakap, aku tak ada orang lain. Circle lelaki yang aku trust sempit. Sangat sempit.

Tak, tak bermakna kau ni last choice, atau cuma placeholder...

It was like...you're the only choice I have.

Heh. Aku senyum kambing lagi. Dan kau dah tak tanya lagi kenapa aku senyum. Sebab kau tahu, aku akan cuma senyum lagi sebagai jawapan.

"Ok lah, tahniah lagi sekali. Kirim salam dekat orang rumah. Jangan nakal-nakal. Haha."

"InshaAllah. Terima kasih lah datang. Kirim salam jugak dekat yang lain-lain ea."

"InshaAllah. Assalamualaikum."

"Wa'alaikumussalam warahmatullah."

Dan aku pun berlalu dari majlis kenduri itu, masih dengan senyum kambing di bibir. My main choice has been striked off, so now I'm back to square one.

Zero actually.

Starting all over again?

Maybe that's what I need. I need him to get married. So that I can move on.

Yes. So that I can put an end to this well-hidden secret.

***

God.

God knows best.

Sebab aku tak tau aku ni layak jadi isteri orang ke tak.

Aku rasa, aku tak layak.

Tapi...ya Allah...banyak nye la dugaan kat luar ni. 

...

Dah la, penat la cakap pasal benda ni.

Bukan senang nak satukan dua jiwa yang dah 30 tahun hidup sendiri tau.

 Macam atom tau. Satu atom A dan satu atom B yang memang tak pernah bond antara satu sama lain, tetiba kau nak suruh diorang bond dan saling melekat.

Betullah orang kata, dengan pasangan nak kena ada chemistry, ada persamaan, baru jadi.

Entahla.

Dah la.

Ya Allah. Aku tak tau apa yang terbaik untuk aku. 

Kau yang tahu.

Just...sit here.

"Hey Naqi."

"..."

"Yeah...I know. Dah lama aku tak datang sini kan?"

"..."

"Naqi."

"..."

"Kau dah tak nak jadi kawan aku ke?"

"..."

"Okay then."

"..."

******************************

Senang.

Senang aku nak lupakan orang.

I know I can do that.

But feelings...are hurt.

Not just yours, mine, too.

But I sort of ignore.

Or not know what to do with it.

...give up on me?

I totally get it, that I'm not friendly like others.

I get it.

So...it's okay.

It hurts.

I do want to be accepted.

But maybe that's too much to ask. (^_^;)

Therefore I'll sit here quietly.

Just...sit here.

His kind smile.

"Naqi."

He comes from behind and hugs me. It doesn't feel restrictive, nor dishonest...it feels pleasant.

"Naqi."

I keep mentioning his name, calling out for him, wishing he would be real.

"Naqi."

"Naqi."

"...Yes, my love..."

Finally I get to hear his voice. But it sounds so far away.

"Naqi...stop."

He opens his eyes.

"I want the world to stop."

He listens.

"I want the world...to listen to me."

"Mmhmm."

"I want to stop."

"..."

"...stop caring for this world."

"..."

"I want..."

"..."

"...to be accepted without being judged."

"..."

"If this sorrow makes us humans, then would it be okay if I said I don't want to be one?"

He smiles lovingly. He's still hugging me from behind.

"...yes...it's okay..."

"I'm fighting against all humans."

"...mmhmm..."

"I'm going against their norms."

"..."

"...It's gonna be tough."

"...yeah."

He leans his head to mine.

"...Huh."

I can feel his nose on my shoulder.

"...Naqi."

"...hmm?"

"...Are you drunk?"

He chuckles from my back.

"...Naqi?"

"...Maybe."

His mischievious answer makes me freeze a little. He notices this, so he chuckles a bit more.

"...mmm...I'm intoxicated with you..."

I can't help but smile.

"...Naqi..."

I turn to look into his eyes, holding his hands.

"...I miss you so badly." His kind gaze devours my soul.

There's so much more things that I wanted to say to him. I wanted to apologize for not being there for him...I wanted to say I miss him too...I wanted to say how kind he is to me...but just three words come out from my mouth.

"...Thank you, Naqi."

And there, again, his kind, accepting smile etches its way into my mind.

Gamophobia

Bismillah.

Dear God.

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but...I have a crush.

Yes. I know it's stupid. I know feelings like this will go away. Just like that monthly PMS having me cry with no obvious reasons.

Or WITH reasons, except that those reasons feel stupid afterwards. The reasons are rational, but I choose to...let say, ignore it.

Sh*t. Stupid crush. I even told Naqi that he doesn't want me anymore when he's being pushy wanting to know when I am getting married.

Hey slowpoke, you're the one I like!

Sh*t. And Naqi laughed at me.

...Yeah, I know. Crush is stupid. I won't be mad at Naqi. I totally understand him.

And maybe he's not that slow. Maybe he intentionally trying to piss me off because he doesn't want me hoping on him.

Or maybe because he already has someone else.

But why didn't he say so?! Ugh. He told me no one wants him, because he's in the army and armies are rough.

Damn. I told him he got plenty of secret admirers, didn't I? Didn't I?!

Ugh! Stupid feelings.

...fine, I do like him. All I wanted is to know that he likes me back.

...then?

...Then...I don't know. I might get bored after that.

...And umm...I don't think I'm gonna marry any time sooner.

I...sort of playing around a bit...but not really...I still like him...

...but I'm still gamophobia.

...i'm 'faulty' I guess.

Imaginary

"Naqi!"

A bit surprised, Naqi turned toward that voice. It was her.

She stopped in front of him and lowered her head. She seemed hesitant at first, but then she looked back up and found his face.

"...Naqi."

By then he was much more prepared.

"Yes...Fuu-chan."

"Naqi."

"Yes...Fuu-chan."

No matter how many times she called his name, he would always answered sotfly, gently, with love.

Yes, he loved her. And would always be.

By then her voice already became a whisper, but a smile was carved on her lips.

"Naqi."

"...Fuu-chan."

He returned it. She took a seat right beside him. The usual spot where both of them would sit together looking over the sea.

For a moment, they were silent. She seemed to be enjoying the sea, but he knew better.

"So how was it?" A gamble there, he didn't know what 'it' actually refers to.

".....mmm....uh-uh." She shook her head.

He was right. There was something she wanna say.

"Uh-huh." He nodded to show interest.

"Noisy." She was clearly disgusted. "Far too noisy until I feel like I wanna bomb them all."

"Gosh. That sure sound stressful."

"I just want some peace of mind and I couldn't find it!"

She wanted to say more on what happened last night, but as usual, it felt useless to continue.

"What the hell."

"...it can be difficult living in a place not of your own."

"...Yeah, I know."

Oh, only God knows how much he wanted to use that opportunity to invite her to stay in his house, but he knew better. He should let her let it all out first.

"...Want a hug?"

She turned to look at him. 

"Naqi."

They both knew they couldn't have it.

Two souls, longing for each other, but divided by an invisible barrier.

"Naqi." She mentioned his name again, this time gazing deep into the sea.

"Fuu-chan."

"Naqi."

"Fuu-chan."

+++

What was it?

What was it that was stoping them from being together?

It's not family matters, nor does it involves money.

It was...reality.

Reality is hard, there's no doubt.

Therefore she turned to the imaginary.

Yes, Naqi was imaginary.

She refused to say that Naqi was just her imagination. She would say that Naqi did exist, except that he couldn't get out of her mind.

...

So are you saying that if Naqi was real, she would definitely be with him?

...

She couldn't answer that.

+++

The second barrier is most probably...fear.

A fear to touch. A fear to love. A fear to be close.

She feared that if she got close, she would get burnt.

She feared that her expectations, and his expectations would not be met.

...

You can say that she has a hard time accepting imperfections.

+++

"Naqi."

"...Hmm...?"

"Come, take me away."

His smile couldn't be hid.

"...Over here, milady."

Be mad.

Bismillah.

I'm just in a bad mood.

Yes, I'm in a bad mood. Just in a bad mood, for no reason.

I want to be in a bad mood. Let me be. I want to be angry. I want to be allowed to be in a bad mood. I want someone to go along with my bad mood. I want someone to say to me: "It's okay, be ugly. Be mad all you want. I'll be here."

************

"WHY?! Why are you still here?! Why won't you go away?! Why are you trying to make me feel better?!"

You shook his shoulder violently. You were furious. With all the problems you're facing right now, you really won't appreciate another addition.

"...Because I love you."

"...WHAT??!!"

*smack his head with a hammer in my imagination*

******

People, that kind of statement is considered as bullsh*t for people like me.

******

"...Believe me or not, I need to be by your side. ...Yes, I am selfish. Even if you didn't need me, I need you. By being with you, it makes me feel better."

Huh. Selfish.

"But I can't be with you unless I offer something in return, right?"

"...What CAN you offer?"

"By staying by your side."

Your jaws dropped. Where did he put his brain? In the drain? Oh I forgot. I've smashed it into pieces.

"No worries. You're in a bad mood, right? You just wanna let it all go. Then go for it. Be ugly all you want. Scream, stomp your feet, be mad like a child. I'll be here. Don't worry, I won't judge."

"..."

"You're shy? Then lemme join."

He walked towards the riverbank and started shouting. Luckily, no one else was around.

"COULDN'T YOU TREAT YOUR CUSTOMER BETTER? MY MONEY PAYS FOR YOUR WAGES, RIGHT? I HOPE YOUR SHOP WOULD HAVE NO CUSTOMER FOR THE WHOLE DAY!"

You stared at him, wide-eyed.

"...What?" He feigned innocence.

"..."

"Come on, your turn."

"..."

He waited.

Should I try?

Let me try.

"...She...she knew nothing about me...And then she judged me?! Unbelievable. I-I told her nothing...I kept quiet. But she wanted to know more. I-I..."

I refused. Why? Because if I told her, she'd judge me too. She'd judge me, maybe even worse. All she did was got angry. She won't say thank you. She won't praise. Even if she did, she'd make sure to follow it with some insults. Like I'm not good enough. There''ll always be some flaws inside me. She can't be satisfied. Maybe she already is satisfied...but what is she doing, telling me you shouldn't do this, you should do that?! What I've done all this while were not enough?! She didn't even notice?! She wouldn't appreciate! Yeah, I know. She has her ego, I have mine, too. So what, is it wrong for me to be angry at her ego? It's not like I'm shouting all these at her face. See, I'm good, right? I did something good, right?

You unconsciously looked at his face, trying to find something. But you couldn't find it. Of course you couldn't find it. You didn't let it out. You just kept it inside your mind.You didn't tell it to him.

"Huh...damn it..."

"..."

He waited, again.You buried your face inside your palms.

"Why am I feeling this way? Why does this feeling...Why does it exist?"

He came to your side and held your hands.

"It's okay. You can be angry. You can be mad. You can be sad. You can feel whatever you wanna feel. You are not wrong."

"Then why..."

"Come, tell it to the person who told you you're wrong. Let it out."

You hesitated. But the firm grasp of his hand against yours weren't nothing. You felt confidence, even if just for a few seconds.

"It is still useless. ...Even if I release my anger here, she wouldn't know...This...this feeling..."

"...You're feeling so angry but you can't let it out..."

"..."

******

Yeah, I sometimes write romance. So what.

That deep sea.

Bismillah.

Assalamualaikum.

“I’m afraid. But then so what?”

“So you are afraid.”

“…”

“I hate it.”

“Of course. You hate everything.”

“Yeah, and I hate that fact.”

“…”

“Being emotional is…”




“Freaky?”

“Well…”

“For me, emotion is like a deep sea. The deeper we swim in it, the darker it got. And you won’t be able to see what would happen around you.”

“And that’s why you are afraid to venture deeper.”

“Of course. Who wouldn’t?”

“Her.”

She smiled spontaneously.

“She’s different.”

“You’re different, too.”

“Of course.”

“…”

“That’s why I’m afraid.”

“…”

“…”

“You know, you keep telling me that you’re afraid, you’re afraid, but then you do nothing to change it.”

“I know.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to change. And I hate being forced to change.”

“Even though other people are getting hurt because you didn’t want to change?”

“…”

“…”

“She shouldn’t feel hurt. She should understand.”

“You also shouldn’t feel afraid. You should understand her.”

“…”

“…”

“No! I don’t want to venture into that deep sea!”

“Be brave, Ziq…”

“No!”

“You should…”

“NO!”

“…”

“I said no, no, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I'm boring

Bismillah.

Assalamualaikum.

Two by the beach

"So..."

"Kenapa kan, kita jadi makin serius?"

"...?"

"Makin lama, rasa boring baca blog."

"Mmmhmm."

"Huh."

"Well, people have their objectives when they write on blogs. That's why they're being serious."

"...Yeah."

He could clearly see the bored look on her face.

"People become more serious when they grow up because they start to have their own objectives, right?"

"Mmmhmm."

"...and so, that is why adults are boring."

He smiled, amused at that.

"Hmm, I can't deny that."

...

...

...

"And I am an adult."

...

...

...

"...and you hate that."

...

Not surprisingly, she concurred.

"Heh. People grow up, Naqi."

Yeah. And no one can stop that. He let that thought passed without being hatched. She then lowered her head, resting her chin on her two hugged knees.

"Why?"

That seemed to draw her attention.

"Why would you hate being boring?"

"...Because then I would be bored of myself?"

He could sense a little bit of uncertainty there.

We ARE bored of ourselves. Because we have been living with ourselves since we were born!

"...That, can't be avoided."

...

"But at least, I'm not bored with you." He hoped to cheer her up.

...

"Who cares about your feelings?"

...

"...No one, right?"

...

...

Not even you, I guess.

She then lied down, facing the opposite, not wanting to see his face.

He was not angered by this. Instead, he understood. Whenever she hurt him, she actually was hurt herself.

So he lied down too, watching the ocean as the time passed by.

Other people's expectations

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
*** Penulisan ini hanyalah imaginasi penulis, tiada kaitan dengan yang masih hidup atau yang telah meninggal dunia ***

Hmmmpph.Mintak maaf la aku nak cakap

Aku mmg kecewa ngn ko. Ko buat keje ke tak?!

Apsal aku bg keje ko buat endah tak endah je?

Ko kene alert la ngn tugas ko!

Susah la keje ngn org yg tak tau nak buat keje ape nih!!

Eii...bleh tak jgn desak bnyak kali??

Aku tau la itu keje aku!ko takyah rr ckp bnyak kali!

takyah susah2 ingat kan aku,aku tau la!

ko dah mnyerabutkan pale otak aku tau tak!!!

aku pon ade life sndri ok!ko tak phm ke??

Sy nak tanya awak.

Kenapa setiap kali sy bg arahan pada awk

tpi awk slalu persoalkan balik?

awk mesti akan pertikaikan arahan sy tu

takbleh ke awk jd supportive skit?

Bleh tak awak ikut je arahan saya tu?

Usaha la sikit! Hendak seribu daya, tak hendak seribu dalih

Kalau awk taknak buat keje tu, baik carik org lain gnti tmpat awk je!!!

Akak tak cukup baik la nak duk atas kitorang

Sy rasa akak tak layak

Ada org lain lgi yg lebih layak

Ada org lain yg lagi baik dari akak

Maafla kak klu akak terasa

Kan akak dah mntak tolong baik2 tadi

Nape tak dpt lksanakan jugak?

Takut?
Kena blaja jugak, kdgkala kita kena berani!

Cuba berdikari sikit, jgn harapkan org lain je!

Kite tak suka la awk buat mcm ni

kite kawan awk

kite buat baik pd awk

tpi awk layan kite mcm ni

awk pinggirkan je kite

awk gi cari org lain

awk buat mcm awk tak nmpak kite

awak tau tak,kite kecewa tau dgn sikap dan perangai awk mcm ni!

Awak ni kan
sy tgh down ni
tpi ape yg awk tau buat
balik2 awk cerita pasal life awk pd sy
balik2 awk cerita pasal awk, psl prasaan awk,psl masalah awak
pasal sy awk tak peduli lngsung ke?
sy nak cerita pasal sy pn tak boleh
awk ni seorg yg selfish la!

wey
malam tak tido, tghari tak turun makan
baju2 tak basuh lgi,tu pn naseb bek mesen basuh ade
iron baju pn blom
study chem,math
tuto bile nak siapkan?presentation math n chem dah tak lama
Quiz esok tapi malam tu slambe je tak studi pon
dah la midsem jatuh!bleh lagi ko hepi psl bnde tuh??ishq3x 
klu ye pn buat keje tu, ingatla keje lain pn ade jugak
ni bile ko nak study ni??
Ko tu student tau tak!Student!!!
Study la woi!Tinggal kan je keje ko tu!

---

Macam-macam kan, expectations orang pada kita. Dan kita pun rasa bersalah kalau kita tak fulfill semua tu. Macam kita dah buat silap, macam kita gagal jadi kawan/junior/senior/ahli pasukan yang baik.

Tapi....expectations. Betul ke salah kita kalau kita tak fulfill?

Dalam persatuan, memang tak boleh elak untuk diberikan expectations. Atau pun dalam berkerja. Employer bayar kita kot, memang la dia expect kita buat kerja.

Tapi, kita kan manusia. Dan manusia tak perfect.

As long as kita buat yang terbaik, biarpun kita tak tercapai expectations orang lain tu, tu pun dah bagus.

Allah kan tengok effort. Ada Nabi yang ramai pengikut, ada Nabi yang pengikut dia berapa ketul je. Macam Nabi Nuh, berdakwah 950 tahun tapi pengikut tak ramai macam umat Muhammad.

Ada Allah judge dia tak capai KPI? Allah tengok usaha.

Allahuakbar.