Siapa cakap hanya Superman yang boleh jadi hero?

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

You know how does it feels when people expect you to do something that you know to be almost impossible to achieve?
Stttrrrrrressssssss! Kan?
Haha. Macam tu la jugak aku rasa sem ni. Huhu.
You know, my mom expect me to get Dean’s list for my degree. So I would have to maintain my CGPA to be above 3.5 until the end of these four years.
Didn’t it seem to be almost impossible? Memandangkan CGPA aku sekarang pun paras hidung Dean je. Aduh. Nasib baiklah Dean punya hidung tu mancung sikit. Haha.
Kalau aku dapat B+ pun untuk sesuatu subjek, kompem-kompem la tarik CGPA aku kan. Dah tak boleh nak score above 3.5. Huhu.

Ni baru satu subjek yang mencabar. Belum subjek sem depan lagi. Dan subjek tahun depan. Dan seterusnya. And I got 5 more semesters to go. Boleh ke aku maintain 3.5 without falling?
So I got tensed. Because of my mom’s expectation.

Huhu. Aduuu… tension kan bila cerita bab CGPA ni?
Hehe. Aku la. Korang, aku tak tau. Ala, korang kan pandai pandai…

Eh, eh, korang jangan ikut tension bila aku cerita bab CGPA ni. Huhu.
That expectation to get high CGPA is on me, not on you. Mak aku suruh aku  dapat high CGPA, bukan mak aku suruh kau.  So don’t get tensed unnecessarily. Aku yang sepatutnya tensed, bukan kau. Haha.
Well…
Maybe korang pun nak benda yang sama. Maybe korang pun nak dapat CGPA tinggi. Tak kira la mak suruh atau tak. Well, sapa yang tak nak kan?
But then,it raised up one question.
Is that what we really need?
Kenapa kita perlukan benda tu sebenarnya? Betul ke kita memang perlukan gila-gila benda tu? Kalau tak dapat, kita akan mati?

Hmm…I don’t think so.
Entah-entah kan, kita tak perlukan pun high CGPA tu. Because maybe in the future, without good grades pun kita dah mampu achieve our goals. Or maybe kita dah mampu jadi jutawan dah. Wow.
Ceyt, CGPA. Kau untuk apa sebenarnya? Haha.
Oh well. Apa-apa pun, we still want good CGPA kan? At least kita nak la jugak excel in everything we do kan.

Owh but remember, CGPA is not everything. Like I said earlier, entah-entah kita tak perlukan pun high CGPA tu. Entah-entah in the future, diorang (I mean the employers, authorities etc.) tak pandang pun pada high CGPA. They look for soft skills, don’t they?
Alaa…kelebihan korang kan banyak. Bukannya wajib dapat good CGPA baru boleh achieve goals or or get good jobs or dapat banyak duit. It all depends on your rezeki. And siapa yang bagi rezeki tu?
Allah kan?
He knows what you need, so He gives accordingly. He knows what you can handle, and what not. So He gives accordingly. Tak lebih, tak kurang. So that kita mampu nak handle apa yang Dia bagi, tak kira lah rezeki or ujian. Dia Tuhan kita. Dia tahu lah apa yang terbaik untuk kita. Dia yang cipta kita, kan?
So trust Him. Kalau tak percaya pada Dia, nak percaya pada sapa lagi?Manusia? Halloo…manusia tak perfect la.
Well, kalau nak lebih, boleh je. Mintak lah. Dia kan Baik? Lagi baik dari orang yang pernah buat perkara paling baik untuk kau.

Super Baik. Maha Baik.

And remember, setiap orang ada kelebihan masing-masing. Ergo, what you need may differ from what I need. Comparing your expectations with others may not work. What important is,we strive in doing what we know best. We know our own kelebihan, so focus on developing it. It’s our asset.
Khalid Al-Walid terrer strategi perang, so he polished his skills in it to win wars here and there, broadening Islamic empire. Albert Einstein terrer bab Fizik so he focused on that and published theories here and there, giving better understanding about the universe. They knew what their abilities were, and they polished it, so they became heroes in their fields.

Suparman

Relax. Dunia masih belum berakhir. Harapan masih cerah.
You guys have special abilities, too. Sapa cakap hanya Superman yang boleh jadi hero?

***

I told my friends yang aku risau nak exam subjek Math Method ni. But then diorang kata,
“Ala, kau boleh buat punya. Cakap je takut. Last-last dapat markah tinggi jugak.”

Haha. Now try reading it with a little bit of jealousy, menyampah, and a little bit of sarcasm maybe.

Hahahahahaha. Aku tau, korang tak berniat macam tu pun. But hey, I do feel a little bit turned down when you said that to me.

Aku cuma nak luahkan je perasaan takut aku tu, supaya aku tak tension sangat kalau aku dok pendam sorang-sorang. Last-last aku kena marah balik. Hahaha. Seolah-olah macam korang kata “Ala tak yah cakap ar. Tipu arr ko takut nak exam.” Macam aku tak dibenarkan untuk rasa takut.
Hey, aku pun manusia what.

But then…

Dalam kata-kata tu jugaklah doa. Yelah, kalau semua member yang aku jumpa cakap macam tu pada aku. “Ala…ko boleh buat la…” Mau tak makbulnya kata-kata tu. Ahahahahaha. Mak jugak yang untung~

Plus, expectations like that are what drive us to victory. A little bit of stress is needed for us to be brave enough to push our limit. Motivasi gak tu, walaupun argh sakit hati la jugak bila dengar orang cakap macam tu banyak kali kan. Hahaha.

And that’s when you need to talk to God. Stress? Of course, God is always there. Is He not?

Tapi kalau dah banyak kena stress macam tu, tak cakap dengan Tuhan jugak…aii tak tau lah. Silap hari bulan aku terjun keluar tingkap tingkat 4 ni ha. Hihi.

***

Alhamdulillah…
Lepas pun exam Math Method. Going through the exam feels like going on a war, you know. War! Haha hyperbola lebih

Haha. At least I’m happy after exam ni habis. Sebab Dr. Samsun bagi hints yang membantu kitorang untuk jawab paper ni. Hehehehehe.

Memanglah dia jugak yang suka bagi soalan susah-susah, but then he helped his students to answer the questions. Kira ok la tu. Hahaha.
Tapi kena hati-hati jugak. Dr. Samsun ni marking punya lah detail, salah sikit yang atas, memang yang bawah-bawah dia dah tak tengok. Dia pangkah terus.

Argh. Sebab tu la markah Mid-Sem exam dengan markah quiz aku teruk. Ahahaha.

4 mukasurat untuk satu soalan kau tau?!

Buat benda ni penat. Reti tu reti buat, tapi penat. Dan panjang. Dan sakit tengkuk asyik dok membongkok. Dah nak muntah rasanya sebab buat panjang-panjang tak habis-habis, last-last tengok jawapan salah.
Argh.

Pengalaman…pengalaman…Haha.
Tapi alhamdulillah. Allah bantu.
Allah bantu. Allah sayang.
And TQ Dr. Samsun!

***

Seeking knowledge for the truth, or seeking knowledge to gain marks for exam?
Contoh la dalam satu subjek ni, nak selesaikan satu masalah, kena guna satu teknik ni.
Kau tahu teknik A tu lah teknik yang betul sebenarnya, (you’ve made some calculations and searched it in the book and on the Net etc.) tapi lecturer tu kata teknik B yang betul.
So in exam, which technique would you use?

Kalau guna teknik A, kemungkinan lecturer tu akan pangkah jawapan kau, even though apa yang kau jawab is the truth.

Kalau kau guna teknik B, kompem la dapat markah. Dah teknik B yang lecturer tu kata betul.
Kau ikut cakap lecturer ke, kau jawab apa yang benar?
A question to ponder upon.

Butterflies tak pernah tengok cermin.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Have you heard one saying that goes like this: A butterfly is beautiful, but it doesn’t realize it.

Sebab dia tak penah tengok cermin. Haha senang je jawapannye.

Hahaha tak, tak, bukan itu maksud aku. OK OK back to the topic.

The saying above usually goes to a woman. A woman is beautiful, but she doesn’t realize it.

Aku dapat kata-kata (yang lebih kurang macam tu) daripada seorang kawan. Dia bagi kat aku, tengah aku down.

***

Korang mesti pernah rasa jeles kan? Haha kompem kompem la.

Jeles pada adik-beradik, jeles pada sedara-mara, jeles pada mak bapak (boleh ke?), jeles pada artis/orang kaya, jeles pada strangers pun ada , and lastly, jeles pada kawan.

Oh yeah I’m jealous with my friend. I’m jealous with my closest friend.

Everytime I’m with her, I’ll always notice kelebihan dia. And you know how long aku asyik berkepit dengan dia je. Haha. Nama pun dah closest friend.

Nope, nope. I’m not talking about jealousy from the negative aspects, I’m talking about the positive one. The one that sometimes causes my self-esteem to go down a bit.

Yep, she’s beautiful, elegant, funny, witty, happy-go-lucky, manja, cute, pandai bergaya, bijak, pandai bersosial, sopan, keperempuanan…aww you know, ciri-ciri seorang wanita Melayu terakhir.

And me?

Ganas, macam laki, suka pakai kaler hitam, tak pandai bergaya, loud, tak comel, over, pakai spek, tak pandai bercakap, penakut bla, bla, bla…………………………

Argh. There you go again. Tak bersyukur dengan apa yang ada.

Thank God, I really thank God, He gave me good grades. But does that means I’m clever?

Aku sendiri tak tau. Korang mungkin nampak aku bijak, but am I really that clever? Bolehkah aku menyelesaikan sesuatu masalah yang datang suddenly and desperately needs my cleverness? Would I be able to do that?

Argh, you’re kidding me.

You know, butterflies tak sedar yang dia cantik. Obviously sebab dia tak pernah tengok cermin. Tapi aku? Yup, hampir setiap pagi aku tengok cermin to see my face, other than being vigilant to see whoever walks into our room each time aku dengar bunyi pintu dikuak.

But what do I see in the mirror? Yup, I see myself, my face. I have a nice pair of eyes, alhamdulillah walaupun rabun I still can see this beautiful world that Allah creates. I see my nose, muncung sikit bertulang, aku warisi dari mak aku. Mulut, aku ada mulut. Mulut aku pun comel. Pipi, toksah cerita la. Tembam sikit, dah cuba nak kuruskan tapi tak boleh. Alhamdulillah cukup semua. Allah itu cantik dan Dia sukakan kecantikan.

I know, I am beautiful. You guys, whoever reading my post now, are also beautiful. We are all beautiful. I believe that.

But then, I go to class, I see Falaha, and bam! my pride of my ‘beauty’ comes down to earth.

Haha alhamdulillah. Itu mengingatkan aku supaya jangan bajek/perasan terlebih.

Well, everytime Falaha cakap, aku tenung dia. Mata dia bersinar, mulut dia comel, senyuman dia ceria. Ekspresi muka dia, jangan cakap la, Pelakon pun kalah.

Ahh…aku kalah. Aku jatuh cinta dengan dia. (Whoops. Jangan salah tafsir kat sini ea)

Yang paling obvious sekali ialah bila nak kena bercakap dengan orang. I am quite scared actually. Yeah, I’m an introverted person, and my interpersonal skills are quite bad.

Argh teruknya aku, kan?

But then Falaha manages to do it like magic! It always shocks me whenever she talks to people casually, without fear or shame. And what did I do at times like that? Hide behind her.

Ceyt, penakut. I once even felt scared to show her to my mother, afraid that my mother would favour her compared to me.

She is charming! Orang kalau first time jumpa dia mesti akan ingat dia. She manages to leave good impression of herself on people, even strangers. Lelaki, tak payah cakap. Falaha is the type of woman that all men want. No objection.

Cinderella yang charming

Haha boleh tak somehow I wanna feel jealous on this?

Yup, she told me that was somehow like a curse. I agree a bit on that. Freaky la kena kejar laki ni. Dalam sem ni dah lebih dua waiter kat restaurant dah yang mintak nombor dia.

Aku?

Oops jangan tanya. Aku, is the type of woman that men find just to be friends, and no more than friends. Or maybe even less than friends. Or maybe even enemies.

Solehah?

Yup. As always, she’s better than me.

Jadi, aku di mana?

Aku kat sini, hunching depan laptop, talking to an online diary which has not more than 10 people to actually read what I write. Maybe even less than 10.

So anti-social.

***

Yet I exist. And I stand to believe that I exist for a reason.

***

To Falaha, if you ever came to read this (harap-harap la tak sebab aku takut ko marah aku nanti!huhu), know that you are always special, beautiful, nice, elegant…and I know you have a high level of confidence so I know that you are one butterfly yang pernah tengok cermin. Hehe.

Just, thank you for complementing my weaknesses, okay? Love you. (and I always feel like I wanna kiss you on the cheek!XD )

Some sad post.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Hmm. Ada masalah, baru nak tulis kat blog ni. Kalau tak, berhabuk!

Haha. Betullah tu, problems add spices in you life.

Yup, I am planning for a makan-makan this coming weekend. Oh dear God, please make it happen, please help me.

Haha. Cerita disebalik reason of why I am organizing this makan-makan sounds quite stupid. It all started from a challenge.

Yup. Aku mencabar beliau.

And yup, it is quite stupid. Haha.

Yelah, mane tak nya, dia cakap, kalau dia turun Kuantan, aku kena belanja makan hotel.

Eleh, yelah tu. The probabilty of you guys coming down to Kuantan is like >0.00001! Not most likely to happen.

“Ok, we’ll see whether you will come to Kuantan or not. Entah-entah takkan luak duit aku agaknya~”

“Ooo…cabar ea…!!! Korang tunggu minggu depan ea, insyaAllah kitorang sampai.”

“Oh yeah sure, we’ll wait for you. But we do understand, you guys are SO busy, so we’ll forgive you if you didn’t come anyway…”

“Tak, minggu depan memang kitorang free, kalau tak free pun kitorang akan mem’free’kan diri masing-masing sebab dah noted yang ada orang nak belanja makan kat HOTEL Kuantan…(insyaAllah)”

Nyum, nyum sedapnye makan kat hotel~

“(Baca dengan nada serius) Baiklah. InsyaAllah minggu depan, kita makan kat hotel Kuantan, full stop. Deal?” (I’m being dead serious here, guys)

“Deal~” (Entah-entah dia tengah gelakkan aku, padan la muka aku kena keluarkan duit belanja diorang)

See, I told you it’s quite stupid. I am on the losing side. Because if they do come, I’ll have to use my pocket money to treat them to dinner, they will win the challenge. But if they don’t, they have nothing to lose.

Haha time ‘deal’ takde pulak aku pikir semua benda ni kan. Ah, tak kesah lah. Apa-apa pun, aku nak belanja famili aku.

***

Entah kenapa, one day aku rasa sedih la pulak kan. That time I was getting all pumped up over one thing but my friends thought that I was just kidding.

Ahh…but friends are still friends. You forgive them for whatever they did to you.

But then, dalam diam I felt like I was being ignored.

Well, tak kesah lah. I brushed away that feeling, being understanding.

Later that day I found a stray cat just beside a drain. It was looking so tired and unhealthy and I felt sorry for it. So I came closer. And I noticed that the cat was so skinny. Mata pun kotor. It didn’t even miaow pun.

“Jap tau kucing, saya pegi beli ikan jap…”

I quickly pitied that cat. I rushed back to the cafe and bought one fried fish from Cafe Lot 4.

“Lapa ea…kesian die. Nah, makan ea.”

Aku carik-carikkan isi ikan tu, supaya senang dia nak makan, Pastu aku letak depan dia.

Dia pandang sebelah mata je. Dia tak sentuh pun ikan tu. Bau pun tak.

“Makan la….nah, makan ea…”

But I won’t give up. Aku carik-carikkan lagi isi ikan tu, aku sua pada dia. But nope, it turned his head away from me.

Great. Now even a stray cat would ignore me.

Great. Now even a stray cat would ignore me.

You know that feeling, when you love someone so much, then he/she fell sick and you try to take care of him/her as good as you can, but that person would just turn his/her face away from you?

Macam orang tu dah makin hampir pada kematian dia, and he/she will try to ignore you so that you wouldn’t feel so sad when he’s gone. He doesn’t want you to take care of him anymore because he doesn’t want you to have feelings for him. Because he doesn’t want you to feel sad.

Ah…I tried to hold it in, but I couldn’t. I cried.

I was reminded of people being sick. Of my late father. Of my mother. Of my friend.

I have lost my father once. Now I’m afraid to lose others.

***

God, You know You have made me miss my father so much. I really miss holding his hand whenever we walk together, like a young lady being proud of her father although he’s old.

When I come home, who’s going to welcome me? Who’s going to be there, always ready for me?

Whose hand am I going to hold now? Whose hand am I going to hold now?

Who am I going to hug now? Who am I going to love now?

God, I know You do this for a reason. I trust You.

. . .

“Abah~… teman Tiah pergi East Coast Mall petang ni boleh?”

“Aok pergi sendiri tak boleh? Tu ambik motor abah tu bawak.”

“Aaaaaaaaa…~ abah~………”

“…Nak pegi pukul berapa?”

“Yay!”

*smiles happily*

***

Terima kasih krna menyayangi saya ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaha

Post membosankan. Tak perlu baca.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Apa kaba diri sendiri? Hehe lama tak borak. Ko tengah buat apa sekarang? Haha kompem-kompem la tengah tulis blog ni kan.

Huhu pathetic. Cakap ngan diri sendiri, macam takde orang lain dah exist kat dunia ni.

Oh well, tak salah. Pedulikkan je.

Hmm. Coming back to reality isn’t easy, for a person who always spends time in the world of fantasy like me. Yeah.

Argh, me boring, me boring, me boring. And that leads to space traveling to another world, meet people who don’t even existed, talk to them, be friend with them, and make them fall in love with me like me.

Caius, Thanos, Oswald, Rune, Varian, Zareth bla, bla, bla…

In the end, aku jugak yang stupid.

Argh. *grabs a rope and ties it around myself*

Pull! PULL!!

Argh, I can’t do it by myself. Lend me a hand, please?

Pull! PULL!!

Argh, this is hopeless. I have to stop this!

God, help me!

Make me calm down!

Find my Naqi!

…

Uninteresting. So don’t waste your time reading it.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Apa khabar korang?

Senyap je…?

Ke tak de orang ni?

…

Takpe lah. Saya tak marah.

Hmm.

Lama tak dengar khabar kawan lama kita ni kan?

Maksud saya blog ni lah.

Haha, saya datang ni nak cuci habuk dan sawang je.

…

Hmm.

Sejak bila blog saya ni jadi uninteresting?

Oh, lupa pulak. Nama blog ni sendiri pun dah memang uninteresting.

Haha, salah saya jugak.

…

Oh, well. Tak ada apa yang seronok pun saya nak cerita.

Dah, dah. Jangan scroll ke bawah dah. Tak ada isi penting pun yang saya nak sampaikan.

Yahoo!News dah tolong cerita pasal mayat Gadhafi disumbat dalam freezer supermarket sebab diorang nak ambil masa nak figure out what to do with his body. Oh my God. Mayat tak sepatutnya diperlakukan sedemikian. Mayat perlu dihormati, kebumi perlu cepat.

…

Looking for motivation and inspiration?

Well, don’t try to search for it in my blog. Ramai lagi bloggers luar sana yang dah post inspirational stories. Mine, well, suddenly I feel like I’ve lost the magic touch.

Trying to search for some knowledge in Maths? No need to search it in here. Our lecturer, Dr. Pah dah pun terangkan dalam kelas tadi, every series that is Cauchy if and only if it is convergent. Siap dengan proof. Dalam buku pun dah ada. Tinggal nak pahamkan je.

Or you just wanna waste your time, trolling around others’ blogs just because you have time?

…

Haha, impossible. Aku tau korang semua busy.

Termasuk aku sebenarnya.

Well, it’s amazing kan, macamana busy pun kita, kita still ada masa untuk buat sesuatu yang kita desire nak buat.

Contoh macam aku tengah tulis blog ni. WTH. Woi, banyak lagi kerja lain kau kena buat, tau tak!!!

There. That proves it. If you only focused on getting everything done, you’ll end up being stressed out. So you need to release some pressure by doing something that you desire.

…

Yeah right. Alasan. Pandai kau buat alasan ea.

Ceyt.

…

Ahh, God is always there. He’s by your side all along.

Random Rambling

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Lama dah aku tak post something kat sini. Hah. Rasa macam dah tak penting je lagi blog ni.

Why? Dalam hidup aku dah tak ada cerita nak dicoretkan ke?

Well, not really. Cuma, aku tak tau nak tulis apa. Aku tak tau nak cakap apa.

You see, makin lama aku tak jenguk blog ni, sepatutnya aku semakin rindu + tak sabar-sabar nak tulis dalam ni.

But now, it seems that I’ve lost the spirit.

Why, you ask?

I don’t know myself. But maybe this blog is beginning to get more and more dull. Well, speaking of which, there IS nothing interesting in here.

Exactly. That’s my point.

At one time of your life, you will feel like you are insignificant enough. You aren’t needed enough. I mean, of course your parents and your close friends would feel like you’re important to them and all, but that just it. Nothing more, nothing less. They will still, and will stay, forever you parents and friends, and just that.

Well, I don’t know. Maybe this is good for me, maybe this is what I want. Or maybe not.

Then what do you do? How do you solve this insignificant feeling you have?

Go and find someone to acknowledge the importance of your existence?

 

Finding someone who admire you like you’re the only one in their life?

Oh.

Sounds like love to me.

***

So are you ready?

Accepting another to really be a part of you life?

But that’s it. When you come to think of it, that’s the real problem, the root problem of why marriage wouldn’t succeed. You see, when you, kind of, ‘accept’ someone into your life, you would’ve been happy because you think that your life is going to be on bed of roses for eternity. But always, always remember. Every good thing comes with a price.

Remember. Your other half, is also a human being. Thus, he/she would’ve need to live his/her own life, not forgetting to mention, having desires that may’ve been totally opposite of what we want. This, could be a reason behind a marital fight.

Second point is the thing that I’ve always been afraid of. I want to run away from it in so many instances now, but I barely manage to escape, not even once. It seems that I’ve failed to avoid or or even say ‘no’ to it. That is, responsibility. Now, now. This is one tough, tricky chick. Having accepted it may’ve bring benefits and advantages to you, but now that you have it, you’ll also have to take care of it.

Having another person entering your life, doesn’t that mean he/she is also under your responsibility now? Now that you need to take care not to hurt his/her feelings, remember what they like and dislike, be good with their families and friends and all…etc. etc. Ahh…there. Your responsibility has just piled up to a hill when you marry.

Now there’s one person, a friend of mine told me that people in love would never feel heavy to do something for their loved ones. Well, I guess that’s true. When you love someone you wouldn’t feel difficult at all trying to put up with him/her. You would even die for him/her. Tanggungjawab cinta, just like what my friend said. And I said, I don’t understand.

 

I …don’t understand.

***

Well then, I guess you wouldn’t be married if you’re not ready to accept those responsibilities yet. You shouldn’t be. Once you are truly prepared, however, that’s when love suddenly comes knocking you heart’s door.

Objection!

P/S: Pictures, credits to Nintendo DS Phoenix Wright series

Pray.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Fuh.

Ya Allah, agak-agaknya ape la perancangan yang Kau dah sediakan untuk aku?

Well, aku sebagai seorang manusia yang tak berkuasa apa-apa, aku cuma boleh terima.

God, give me the best. Help me. Make me happy.

***

When you’re pushed to your limit, you can’t do anything else but to reset your limit, right?

Yup, with all these things around me that make me busy, I know I can do it. Because God tells me so.

Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity… (2:286)

Yep, I know I can do it. So they shouldn’t be a problem anymore, shouldn’t they?

Yep.

But I’m tired. I wanna rest.

“No, you can’t have a rest yet! Problems need to be solved, persevere! At the end of all this, you will surely have your life back!”

Sure, I know that.

For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. (94:5)

Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. (94:6)

Oh God.

…and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience. (103:3)

God, bear with me. God, hear me. God, be with me.

"If You are not angry with me, then I do not care what happens to me, but still I would rather have Your blessings and favour." ^[1]

Oh God.

***

God, You know what’s right for me. And I don’t.

And I know, surely, there must be something You wanna teach me about, right?

Oh God, or am I exaggerating things?

***

Guys, any who out there who is facing calamities, difficulties, hardship or anything heavy right now, please, bear with it. It WILL go away. Yes, I know. You feel sad, and reluctant, and heavy and all, but remember, Allah is always there. At some point when you’re feeling down, and you feel like no one cares about you, pray to the Ever-loving God. Something good will happen. Maybe it is so small, you wouldn’t notice it. Maybe it was something like all traffic lights are green at every junction you arrived, or maybe someone offers to buy you lunch when you didn’t feel like eating. Maybe you feel it didn’t make any significant help in solving your big problem at all. Yep, when you’re so stressed out, you only focused on yourself and not your surrounding. But this time, try to stop for a moment when that good small thing happens. Look at it for a few seconds, and say to yourself:

“Oh, Allah hears what I prayed to Him just now. Allah is always by my side. I’m not alone anymore. Allah will help me solve this problem together.”

***

Sometimes, at times like these, people just need a reminder. And I’m trying to give one to myself.

______________________

[1] Well-known du’aa of Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W)

Masalah bergantung pada ketakutan

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamu’alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Once you begin to lose that fear, you’ll start to solve your problem.

                                                                                                   -Anony,me

***

Fuh. Penat.

Masuk sem baru, macam-macamlah ceritanya.

Dari cerita yang bawak dari rumah, sampai la cerita yang diwujudkan oleh sistem register yang ter’clash’ kelas. Tak lupa juga cerita buku hilang rekod pinjaman sampai aku disuruh bayar RM600!

Masalah, perlu diselesaikan. Kalau tak, dia jadi stagnant. Bertakung.

Air bertakung, mengundang nyamuk Aedes pulak tu. Hah, tak lama lagi kena demam denggi. Masuk hospital. Bil dah beratus-ratus kena bayar. Terpaksa ambik cuti sakit, skip kelas, terlepas subjek yang lecturer ajar. Effect kat pointer. Bila pointer jatuh, mula mak bapak bising. Pastu effect CGPA, kerja susah nak dapat. Dan masalah lagi. Dan lagi. Dan lagi…

jentik-jentik

Tengok, betapa banyak masalah yang berpunca dari satu masalah yang dibiarkan bertakung.

Daripada kau biarkan air tu bertakung, apa kata kau angkat botol kosong tu, kau curahkan airnya ke tanah. Dah kosong botol tu, kan?

Satu masalah selesai.

Oh, satu point kau lupa. Air yang kau curah ke tanah tadi. Kat situ kebetulan ada benih durian. Hah, kan dah berbakti kepada tanah tu? Untung badan, tak lama lagi dapat merasa durian lah kau.

Nyum nyum.

---

Fuh memang aku mengaku selesaikan masalah tu penat. Tapi jangan risau. Masalah, takkan habis.

Takkan habis.

Fuh. Serius aku cakap. At this moment I really depend on my friends Falaha and Tikah to solve our problems together. I don’t think I would be able to survive these without them.

Yup, depending on people first seems so hard for me to accept. I thought I could always do everything myself. But at the same time I also knew that I have my imperfections.

So what? Imperfections prove that human needs one another to survive!

And that’s what helps me to try to ask help from others, although I am still afraid of it. I’m trying, okay…

Depending on others, asking help from people, trusting people that they would do the job for you…etc.etc. you name it.

Why I’m afraid of depending on others? Because I’m afraid of being turned down. I’m afraid of being rejected. I’m afraid that people hate me because I’m asking so much. I’m afraid people would call me incompetent.

Suka ke kalau kau dalam kesusahan, kau betul-betul nak mintak tolong orang tu, pastu orang tu sindir kau,

“Cehh, lembik. Buat sendiri pun tak boleh.”

“Cehh, lembik. Buat sendiri pun tak boleh.”

Ouch.

---

Yeah, I know, I know. Kawan-kawan aku semuanya baik-baik. Dalam sejarah hidup aku, tak pernah ada seorang pun yang cakap kat aku macam tu. Dan aku harap-harap takkan pernah ada.

Owh jap, maybe ada. Tapi tak guna ayat sejibik macam aku tulis kat atas.

Oh well. Luckily I wasn’t so close with her. Which makes me easier to forgive, because the hurt wasn’t so deep.

But if ever, IF EVER any of my close friends in whom I depend on right now, would betray me and say those hurtful things to me, then I would…

…I would…

Uhh, it hurts me even to imagine what would happen. Believe me, it hurts me to hurt you. You are my friends, why would I want to hurt you?

…

Ugh…okay, I would cry.

Which really hurts me, because I don’t like it.

---

Huh, masalah, kau ingat kau dah selesaikan semua. Padahal, tak lama lagi akan timbul masalah baru.

Hah, apa lagi makna hidup kalau bukan menyelesaikan masalah?

Memang. Memang itu takdirnya.

---

Takut.

Takut, subjek tu nampak susah nak paham.

Takut, pegang jawatan besar tapi diri rasa tak sempurna.

Takut, aku sesekali tersakitkan hati kawan-kawan aku.

Takut, persepsi orang lain terhadap aku bila aku deal dengan diorang.

Takut, pointer aku jatuh lalu tak dapat tunaikan hajat mak aku nak dapat dean list.

Dan takut, mati nanti aku masuk syurga ke neraka.

takut…

Takpe jangan risau. Aku tau banyak lagi versi takut korang. Mungkin takut duduk negara orang, takut senang dapat penyakit yang dah ada dalam genetik, takut tak ada orang suka kat kita, takut masa depan tak berapa nak cerah…dan macam-macam lagilah. Argh, bila fikir pasal takut ni, lama-lama buat aku sakit hati.

Yelah, ok fine kita takut. Aku takut, korang takut. But then what?

Dengan perasaan takut tu korang boleh buat apa? Boleh jual, dapat duit, hah? Ke boleh buat jadi sambal makan dengan ulam? Oh sedapnye

Argh, tu yang buat aku sakit hati. Lama-lama, aku lupakan je yang aku dok takut-takutkan sangat tu. Lantak kau lah. Apa nak jadi, jadi lah!

Ha’ah kan, apa nak jadi, jadi lah. Aku bukannya tak berusaha. Aku tau, aku akan buat yang terbaik. Aku, ialah aku. What ever happens, aku tetap akan jadi aku. Tak de nak tetibe bertukar menjadi Action Kamen ke apa plak kan.

As long as you didn’t lose yourself, then it’ll be fine.

Because once you lose yourself, you wouldn’t know what to do.

***

Meh. I’m sad. =_=’

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Well, dah lepas 15 Ramadhan dah pun kite ek.

Jujur aku katakan, this Ramadhan is not the best Ramadhan I’ve had so far. Well, tak tau la kan, ni baru habis separuh. Lagi separuh tak sure lagi macam mana.

Bayangkan lah, baru je masuk Ramadhan dalam 2-3 hari, bantal aku dah basah dengan air mata.

Haha. Aku pun tak tau lah.

Aku ingat, dah lepas nangis 2-3 malam, lega lah sikit. Aku ingat hormone imbalance je ke ape. Tapi tak. Berlanjut lagi beberapa hari kemudian. Dalam 15 hari Ramadhan, hanya beberapa hari je yang aku tak nangis.

Haha memang aku rasa Ramadhan kali ni bagi aku ialah bulan kesabaran.

Ntah ape yang sedih sangat la. Well, maybe sebab aku lapar kot. Aku kalau lapar, memang aku akan badmood. Huwaa Tapi hey Effe ni kan Ramadhan bulan puase, tahan la lapar kau tu sikit~

Hmm. Maybe jugak sebab ni Ramadhan pertama tanpa bapak aku. Yeah, aku terasa kehilangan dia. Tapi apa aku boleh buat? I have to adapt to this new situation.

Mak aku pulak selalu sebut-sebut, dia teringat kat bapak aku. Bila aku dengar mak aku cakap macam tu, aku lagilah.

Yes, I am sad. Mak, kitorang kan ada. Mak janganla cakap macam tu. Rasa macam kitorang tak diperlukan pulak. Huhu. Yelah tapi kan aku paham la mak aku pun rindu bapak aku gak.

Oh well. Yang aku paling tak boleh tahan, kalau aku pergi solat tarawikh kat masjid je, mesti aku teringat-ringat kat member-member aku semua. Ha’ah, kat korang lah tu. Sama ada yang kat Muadzam, atau kat Klang, atau kat PJ, mahupun di Kuantan. Argh, aku dok menjerit-jerit dalam hati, aku nak solat tarawikh ngan KORANG! Argh.

Dok kat umah lama-lama, aku jadi lonely lah pulak. Hey, kengkawan aku. Mana korang semua pergi hah?

Kitorang ada je kat sini…

“Eh, sape jawab tu?” Aku menoleh kiri kanan sambil perhatikan, tak de orang pun. Huhu, seram.

Haha relax ar aku memain je. Hmm. Nanti aku balik UIA elok la ni. Argh cepat la balik UIA. CEPATLAH! Haha.

Adoi. Cepatlah.

And so this Ramadhan I filled my time by doing some house cleaning, and also trying some new recipes.

Yeah, I know. My Ramadhan is pretty boring, right? I bet korang punya Ramadhan mesti lagi best. Yeah.

Oh well. Raya? Tak. Aku tak rasa raya tahun ni best. Ah tak kesah la. Ape-ape je lah kan.

Argh sedap nye kalau dapat makan puding roti kukus ni.

OK, enough about that. Aku nak pergi masak plak ni.

Masak puding roti kukus. Nyum nyum.

BTW, ni gambar aku buat kerepek bawang haritu, sebelum dan selepas. Sedap la pulak bila dok ratah lama-lama. Nanti nak try buat lagi lah. Haha.

Bye. May you get what you hope for this Ramadhan.