Being liked, or hated.

Bismillah.

Currently, I'm sort of thinking if people like me or hate me.

It spurred after reading a Reddit post about some MBTI type (probably INFJ?) bashing his/her ISTP partner for things that they do. They said ISTPs are egocentric, not clear of their own feelings, selfish, arrogant, cold etc. etc...

Well, I am ISTP.

And it hurts reading that.

Sure you may say to just ignore what the internet said, not everything on the internet is correct.

But still, doesn't hurt if I do some self-reflection, right?

Hah, ISTP doing self-reflection. That's a good thing.

So I started thinking. Do people hate me?

I started looking around. Is there anyone around me who hates me?

I don't think so. Annoyed, maybe. Hate? So far none, unless they're being really discreet about it.

People in my office like me. At least that's what I think, so far, after coming to the office every Wednesday and greeting them, chatting with them all around. I even organized an escape room session over a weekend, some of the colleagues I went with greet me with a smile every time they see me in office. Before this, we don't even look at each other.

That's a good thing, right?

Heck, I'm also still good friend with one of my colleagues from old company, also, chatted another one in LinkedIn. So far, all good with them.

Friends from uni time. I am good friend with one. Her birthday coming soon, so gotta go order a gift for her. And also, contacted another one that I haven't been contacting since a few years, asking if free for a chitchat or coffee (unfortunately she's not free). Hmm, don't know if it's because she's uncomfortable with me, but I'm pretty sure it's just her circumstances currently.

I think I was pretty good during my uni years. During foundation years we built a good team with FRC. Then during bachelor degree years, I got pretty good with my course mates, they elected me to be asst. lead for the batch that one time. And some of the lecturers are pretty okay with me too (in particular that one Madam teaching Stats class). Erm I guess except Prof Torla? Haha. (because I didn't like his Peer/Problem-based learning style) and because I think he noticed I was silently rebelling.

Now, in my high school years...huh. I don't know what went wrong there haha.

My lower secondary school, I guess that went fine, it was filled with my efforts trying to fit in because I was in a boarding school. My parents were close i.e. they could come fetch me once in a while since the school was just 2 hours away from home. In the dormitory I know there were some people who might've disliked me because I was a prefect (hah!), but those same people, the ones who I knew talked bad about me behind my back, they were the ones who actually helped me when I had a bad fever (my family didn't even know). Shocking, isn't it? I'm not angry at them anymore. And I hope they're not angry at me too. But other than them, I think my classmates were pretty nice and okay, too.

Now, upper secondary school...I moved to a different school. More elite...I guess? Still boarding school.

And guess what, I think this was the one real time when I felt disliked.

Form4/16y.o., it went by so fast I couldn't remember much about it. What I did remember was my homeroom teacher's disappointed face seeing my AddMaths result (it was a D or something). Well, fair enough, she would be disappointed since I was in the first-rank class, where we were supposed to be geniuses and maintain our good grades.

Come second year, Form5/17y.o., there I was, still in first-rank class (but I probably ranked last in that class haha). During the first AddMaths test to check if we remember last year's topics, guess what I got?

Zero.

Yep, all questions answered wrong. And guess what face did my homeroom teacher make? Haha.

I guess since then she targeted me as a problematic student.

I think she might be an ESTJ/ISTJ/xxTJ combo which was so strict, and expect others to perform up to their standards. One time, she organized some sort of personality quiz based on colors (green, orange, blue, gold? idr), and she was so proud of those who got the same primary color as her, which was Green/Gold, which meant that they are followers of rules, systematic, orderly, intellectual thinkers etc etc. She then mentioned something about those who got Blue, that they needed to watch out or something? like it's a bad thing, because Blue represents those who are more into feelings and emotions. I was scared to admit that I got Blue as my secondary color. Well, my primary color wasn't her favourite either, Orange means I am spontaneous, fun and enjoys adventure.

There was also a time when she invited for a one-on-one session with each of us before the big exam (SPM), each of us needs to go set up appointment and meet her alone in her room. And guess what? I think I'm the only one who didn't bother, or too scared to go meet her. That's how I felt about her, my homeroom & AddMaths teacher.

Meanwhile my classmates...hah, most of them got Green/Gold as primary colors. No wonder I felt ostracized, though they might not mean it. Or did they? I did feel comfortable enough with one girl who got same primary color as me, but the rest of them...hmm. I guess our preference clashed there, rule-follower vs. rule-breaker haha.

They were the studious ones, while I was the wild one.

And I do think that most of the guys in that class might have hated me. One occasion was that we had to act out the drama script in our BM literature class, the teacher told the guys that some of them would need to redo it because their dialogues were too short. Then they protested, mentioning my character and said that I would need to redo it too because my character just kept repeating similar lines.

I guess it's fair that they protested, but to single me out from the other girls...I guess they disliked me that much.

And then the other time where the teacher (yep, same homeroom teacher) was holding a meeting for the class, sort of like to air out our disagreements about the class and stuff. And again....guess what, they singled me out. They said I was loud in class, whenever teacher asked if we understand what was being taught, I would reply yes if I understood. And they hated that. Of course, it's fair, they reasoned that they didn't understand yet, so me, answering yes to what the teacher asked, caused them to miss out on whatever's the teacher was teaching.

I think they could've just asked the teacher if they don't understand, why would they blame me for replying to what the teacher was asking?

Then, would it be better if I kept quiet, and left the teacher unanswered, facing the whole class that was so quiet?

Heck, I did have experience teaching a first-rank class during my teaching practicum, and let me tell you, it's sometimes scary that no one answered me when I asked them if they understood me or not. It made me question if I'm teaching human beings or robots.

To my defense, I don't want to leave the teacher hanging. Me, answering yes to them, at least help encourage them. Heck, that one Stats lecturer madam during my uni time would often search for my face in class, because I always answered her questions with the yesses or with confused looks. Because I think for her, I am an easy feedback. It helps her teaching as well. And the fact that she often looked for me makes me happy, like I'm wanted in the class. And I'd like to believe that she liked me as her student as well.

You know, IIRC I cried during that session, that meeting/disagreement session during high school. Because I was standing alone while everyone else was sitting, and blaming me. There was only this one guy, one guy who dared to disagree with his mates, saying that it was okay for me to keep saying my yesses to teachers, agreeing with my reasoning. But he was the only guy, and I think the other guys were glaring at him when he said that. I had a brief crush on that guy.

See, people remember how you make them feel, not what you said or what you did.

Other than my classmates, I think I fared better in the dorms. Ya know, my dorm girls were so kind and nice they appointed me to be assistant leader again...though I didn't think it carried much weight. It was just a title. Other than that, I do admit I was overall pretty weird, but I was good with them girls, happily going around visiting other rooms, being friendly with them, joining nasyeed and drama competition etc. etc. I was still wild, going alone to the city, waking up late and coming late to the surau and stuff...but I think I was pretty liked.

Though I do admit, I was immature that time,  compared to my other friends. I made a lot of mistakes, I was childish as well. But I enjoyed being childish. Being intentionally childish helped me bond closely with my late father. I don't like to lose my childishness and grow up so fast. My childhood was fun, and being an adult just sucks.

All that said, I think I'm pretty much okay. Not hated. I do hope I don't have horrendous traits that make people stay away from me. So far I'm the one who sort of stay away from people haha. Overall, other than those guys in my classroom, I don't remember times when I was singled out and attacked so brazenly haha. And I hope that time would never come again.

I guess, being smart but placed in the wrong place is worse than being average but placed with people who accept who you are. I guess, better to be the top student a low-ranked class than being the last student in top-rank class. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You are (un)intentionally gaslighting! (Also, read this if people make you feel inadequate))

Bismillah.

So I had an epiphany today, I feel compelled to write it down now even though it's 1AM in the wee morning.

So last week I went to the park alone and just, like, walked around, had lunch all by myself. Guess what people said when they knew about it?

One guy at the park greeted me and asked where are my friends. I had to lie and said they went shopping.

My housemate also asked if I went there with a friend. I said no.

My brother said it would have been much more fun if you have a partner (read: husband) so that you can go jalan-jalan wherever you want with him.

ALL of these people saying these to me, as if I can't and won't be happy if I do it alone.

As if they are trying to guilt-trip me.

As if me, feeling happy and enjoying my time, is wrong if I don't have someone else with me.

HELLO!!!

This is the definition of gaslighting! (here's from Google: manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning)

You ARE making me question if my own feelings are wrong!!!

Grrr...I'm so angry.

I can't believe that I only realize this now.

All those weird feelings in my stomach whenever people ask where are my friends and why didn't I go with them. My feelings are actually trying to tell me something.

This...gap between what I really feel (i.e.: happy), versus what they expect me to feel (i.e.: a sad, lonely loser)

And DON'T even try to tell me that maybe I'm lying to myself, that maybe deep down I am feeling lonely.

Well, SCREW you! If you ever want to tell me that, that's taking gaslighting to the next level! You are invalidating my feelings, and again, making me question my own sanity.

And even if someone is lying to themselves (I'm giving you a wide benefit of doubt here), let them be! DO NOT gaslight them! If they are indeed wrong, give good advices and let them figure out on their own! That's the purpose of giving advices, so that they can learn! Not for YOU to CONTROL what they feel and and what they think!

Dear Allah...I feel angry. Huh.

If I feel happy going around, walking in parks, who are you to say it's a sad situation?

If I feel happy going to places and eating on my own, who are you to say that it's wrong?

I will ONLY tolerate another person being there with me, IF that person can make me feel more than happy being there.

If I feel enough on my own, of course I would expect the person wanting to be with me to make me feel even better! I won't even tolerate if that person makes me feel bad when doing things I like. Then I would rather do it alone!

I am enough! I am happy for myself! All these questioning whether I don't feel lonely or that I should have someone with me is just trying to make me feel bad!

Sure, I get it, being a loner is practically bad for the society because having a partner means you will be reproducing and making babies, meaning it is good for continuation of your generation line and good for humanity's survival and all that jazz...sure! Yeah, I get it. So your gaslighting is a result of societal pressure to not be alone and  have partners and make babies.

Sure...so I have to understand where you're coming from, but you don't need to understand MY point-of view?

So you're just saying I'm wrong for going against the grain?

Heck no, YOU are wrong. I am not going against the grain. I am not against marriage. I am just making sure that the person I'll be with is going to be worth my time. If he doesn't make me happier than I currently am, then why bother picking up extra work, RIGHT?

Just like you at your job! If the extra task your boss told you to pick won't result in higher bonus or salary, then why bother picking it up? In the end you will pick it up and RESENT it, won't you?

This is not too-high standard. This is BASIC! Not just for women but for men as well!

Huh. I wish my future self will remember to come back here and read this every time she feels lonely or inadequate.

Huh, I'm so mad I only notice this happening now. Well, at least I'm glad I finally notice it, rather than let myself wallow in self-doubt.

That's one thing to be thankful about.

I'm too picky.

Bismillah.

So I am choosy.

Always have been, just started noticing it like 10 years ago, when I was trying to pick a backpack to buy. I can still remember my coursemates growing bored, waiting for me to choose what I wanted already. The problem was, I was trying to decide between 2 bags, each had features the other didn't have. 

In the end, I didn't even buy them. 

This trait of mine is even more obvious now that I'm older.

The story was, just today, I was pleasantly surprised to have found a pair of shoes that felt like mine the moment I saw it. 

I guess that's what people call as love at first sight? 

At first I saw it and thought, nice design. Nice colors. Then I tested its flexibility and it passed. Felt the material. Felt nice. The RM50 pricetag, too, was what I wouldn't mind paying. So far everything was perfect. 

Just so you know, this occasion is very rare. I am not one of those people who can straightaway buy a nice blouse or scarf or shoes whenever they see one. 

Now, moment of truth... to ask the retail assistant if my size was available. Usually shoes on sale like this will only have sizes that are either too small or too big. 

Turned out it was available. So she went and brought it to me, I tried it out in front of a mirror, and it felt like... it was mine already. Like I would wear it and use it right there and then. Everything clicks in place. Sure, there are one or two points of discomfort, but nothing untreatable if worn often. Sure, the design means it'll be hard to put on or take off quickly, but hey, it's the kind of design that I like so I'm willing to live with that. 

Well, granted that I've own a similar pair of sneakers a couple of decades back, it was one of my first shoes that I really like and stayed with me for quite a long time. I guess that's how I can recognize what I like, what I wanted in an instant, because I've had good experience in owning one similar to it. 

On the other hand, there's the purse. Actually my purpose of going out was to buy a purse, because my old one was so bad I'd be embarrassed everytime I took it out to pay for something. So I was desperate to have it replaced. 

I've been going almost everywhere, searching high and low for the perfect purse/wallet that would fulfill my very-specific-list of criterion. Yes, I even search at men's section, but their wallet designs are pretty much the same across the brands it's boring 🙄 and men's wallet only have zipper coin slots that is too small. See how specific I am?

The right height, the right thickness, the right material, the right color, the right cost, the right features... I wouldn't even tolerate some extra space or additional slots, because I wanted something simple, practical and minimalist. My old one was of the perfect size, but I can't go buy the same thing anymore because the shop closed down.

In the end, I settled for something that doesn't really 'clicks', but still fulfill some of my needs. I settled for something... less. The coin slot is what I wanted, it's a zipper, though it could be better. The size... eh, slightly bigger, not as tall as I wanted but at least it can still fit my pocket. Barely able to fit all my cards though, hopefully it won't break too soon each time I take out or push those cards back in. The material too is not of my liking, would like for something more sturdy and could withstand scratches. Oh well. But the price was okay, it was around RM50 as well.

You might ask why I didn't just buy online. I wouldn't like that, because I want to feel the material in my hand. I want to see it with my eyes, and compare it physically with my old purse. I want to see how thick it is, and whether it's bulging or not. I don't trust the measurements provided by those online

platforms, even 1cm larger could mean it wouldn't fit in my pocket.

Or maybe I'm too paranoid or exaggerating.

I guess this reflects my online dating attempts. I am really bad at texting, and it doesn't help that those men on there don't even bother writing more info about themselves on their profile. You see, over the internet I can't have a feel of what a person really like. I don't see their body language, I can't hear their tones when speaking, I can't gauge their facial expressions. 

Huh. I guess that's why I hate texting. Because it lacks all these 'sparkles' and 'decorations' that make it interesting. For me, texting is best only for exchanging information. I thought it is well known that more than half of our whole communication is through body language? 

So that's why I probably should take a break from OLD (OnLine Dating). It doesn't suit me. If I want to find a partner, maybe I need to go around finding them like I tried searching for a new wallet. Huh, and in the end, the wallet I got was only decent, but instead I found myself a perfect pair of sneakers.

Then maybe I should go around without the intention to date, because then I won't feel the urge to settle for less, like what happened with my purse hunt.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Unpopular opinion on marriage

Bismillah.

What do I want...honestly.

Right now, there's some sort of love bug going around in our rented house. Suddenly, all of us began seeing someone.

But not all of us ended up successful.

That one housemate I'm rather close with, she met with someone else's husband. That guy told her after a month of them together.

The other housemate, she was okay with that guy, but currently he is jobless. But I guess still okay, since jobs can always be found.

The other housemate...seems to have hope. They are even in talks of marriage already. They like each other, so that's good. They met through Tinder.

Me?

Uhh...

Falaha introduced me to his husband's friend who is still single, same age, studied in UIA as well. A good guy...but I am not convinced.

It's not him...it's me. 

(Lol, typical reason for a breakup)

No, really. I am bored. I want something more. He's a normal guy, perhaps a bit shy, but otherwise nice and normal.

I guess...I am choosy.

Yes, I am. I know myself as not really wanting a lot of stuff, but once I want something, I make sure I get the best for the price I'm willing to pay. I buy something because I really want it, and I know why I bought it.

But this new 'friendship'...I don't know. Do I put in more effort to make it work? Doesn't feel like it's worth it. Do I give up then?

Or maybe...because this is not something I want. That's why I'm acting nonchalantly. But if so...then it's not good for him.

But earlier on, I already told him I don't promise anything from this acquaintance. I don't promise that this would move towards marriage. I said I'm just getting to know people to understand myself better, whether marriage is a thing for me or not.

Truth is...after knowing him, I'm becoming okay with not marrying.

Sure, I would love to have someone who takes care of me, who loves me...but am I ready to take on responsibilities, accept that person's faults and flaws, and serve him for the rest of my life?

Huh...jaga diri sendiri pun dah sedia susah. Apatah lagi jaga orang lain.

Aku rasa macam...apa gunanya kahwin kalau kita (perempuan) dapat susah? Lepas kahwin, perempuan kena kemas rumah, masak, basuh baju, layan laki, hadap perangai insan lain dalam hidup kita, dengar cakap dia, tak boleh lawan arahan suami...dalam masa yang sama juga berkerja, untuk bantu kewangan rumahtangga. Kalau sebelum berkahwin pun kita dah buat semua ni, cuma bezanya hidup single, kita cuma perlu hadap perangai diri sendiri je. Apa benda-benda lain yang kita nak buat, semua tak ada halangan. Tak perlu mintak izin sapa-sapa. Tak perlu risau ambil hati sapa-sapa. 

Aku pikir, apa lelaki boleh bagi aku? Duit? Kalau aku sendiri pun berkerja, apa guna duit yang orang lain bagi? Lelaki boleh bagi anak? Nanti yang kena tanggung bersalin 9 bulan: aku, yang tanggung sakit beranak: aku, yang jaga anak malam-malam, menyusukan anak, jaga anak sampai besar...kerja siapa? Perempuan kan? Kerja lelaki apa? Kerja je. Kalau lelaki nak complain kerja susah, hello, perempuan pun kerja susah jugak. Kenapa perempuan kena tanggung lebih banyak benda dari lelaki?

Ini aku tak paham.

Tak, aku tak cakap aku tak suka perkahwinan. Itu nabi larang. Aku masih open untuk kahwin, kalau jumpa lelaki yang betul-betul aku boleh percaya. Susah nak jumpa. Aku memilih? Yes, biar aku memilih. Sebab sekarang, yang aku nampak macam ni. Secara logiknya, antara hidup single yang ada kebebasan dan tak ada tanggungan, banding dengan hidup berumahtangga yang kau sebagai perempuan kena tanggung semua...baik aku stay single.

Takut dah tua nanti sunyi, tak ada teman? Tak ada anak untuk dijadikan harapan?

Sini aku nak tanya kau. Siapa jamin suami dan anak-anak kau akan kekal dengan kau sampai mati? Kalau diorang mati dulu sebelum kau? Akhirnya kau akan sama macam orang single jugak. Tak ada beza. Siapa yang boleh bantu kau bila dah tua nanti? Aku kurang setuju dengan orang yang nak anak sebab nanti dah tua ada orang jaga. Anak itu bukan pelaburan masa tua kau macam KWSP atau PRS (Private Retirement Scheme). Anak itu dilahirkan, dibesarkan untuk menyiapkan dia menghadapi dunia luar. Anak itu dilahirkan sebagai insan lain yang perlu dilatih untuk mampu berdiri sendiri dalam hidup dia. Kenapa kita nak ikat dia dengan kontrak yang dia perlu jadi orang suruhan kita sebab kita dah jaga dia? Yes, tanggungjawab anak adalah berbakti kepada ibu bapa. Tapi itu tak bermaksud ibu bapa perlu bergantung kepada anak.

Tak setuju? Tak apa. Siapa aku nak membebel pasal anak, sedangkan aku kahwin pun belum.

Hmm.

Yes, mungkin orang cakap cinta dan kasih sayang antara suami isteri tu best. Tapi berbaloi ke dengan kerja-kerja tambahan yang kau dapat lepas kahwin? Adakah dengan kata-kata manis dari laki kau tu dah cukup untuk bayar semua lelah yang kau dapat?

...Mungkin cukup je sebenarnya, ek? Sebab tu lebih ramai orang kahwin berbanding stay single, ek?

Entahlah. Aku...susah nak terima kata-kata manis. Orang cakap terima kasih pun, aku tak reply 'sama-sama'. Aku reply macam ni:

1)

Orang    : Terima kasih.

Aku    : Takde ape lah/ No problem.

Maksud    : Tak susah pun tolong kau. Sebab tu aku tolong. Biasanya sebab orang ni aku sayang betul, or sebab aku nak balas budi, or sebab pertolongan tu memang ringan je.

2)

Orang    : Terima kasih.

Aku    : Okay/Orait.

Maksud    : Apa yang dia mintak tolong tu susah aku nak buat. Tapi aku tolong jugak. So, reply aku pendek je sebab lebih baik kalau dia tak mintak tolong aku.

Reply nombor 2 tu banyak aku guna dalam kerja sekarang. Soalan complicated users bagi, dan bila aku jawab, aku takde rasa gembira pun bila diorang cakap terima kasih. Aku bukannya hadap sangat terima kasih diorang. Lebih baik kalau diorang tak kacau aku dengan soalan-soalan susah tu. Aku perasan, aku bukanlah orang yang perlukan penghargaan sangat. Kalau aku siapkan kerja pun, aku tak mengharap orang perasan dan ucap terima kasih pun. Kerja aku sekarang, bos aku diam relax je takde susah-susah nak puji performance aku pun. Cukup dia bayar gaji aku bulan-bulan dah. Dia tak nak bagi bonus ke, increment ke takpelah, janji dia tak kacau aku dan kerja aku pun tak banyak sampai stress. Cukuplah. Aku bukan mintak perhatian pun. Cukuplah dengan dia layan aku baik, tak menyusahkan hidup aku.

So, berdasarkan apa yang aku tulis at atas, nampaknya aku kena carik lelaki yang layan aku dengan baik, yang tak mengharapkan aku (boleh bawak diri) dan tak menyusahkan hidup aku. Partner ibarat seorang bestfriend dan housemate yang bertanggungjawab. Rumah tu kau duduk jugak kan? Kenapa aku sorang je yang kena kemas semua? Lainlah kalau kau bayar aku untuk buat semua tu.

Kalau macam tu lebih baik hire maid, kau cakap? Tapi kau tak boleh tidur/buat anak dengan maid kau.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

My values.

Bismillah.

Does it make sense?

...No, for me it doesn't.

Does it make sense? Kenal sebab kawan kenalkan each other, then contact through WhatsApp, tanya soalan nak berkenalan dalam sebulan gitu...lepas tu jumpa beramai-ramai makan sama-sama.

That's it. Jumpa just once.

And time-time tu jugak kawan tanya, "So...bila nak jumpa mak bapak?"

....Kepala hotak dia.

Kawan kesayangan aku ni, Tapi ada jugak yang aku marahkan dia.

"Senang buat macam tu, nanti takdelah kenal lama-lama lepas tu tak jadi."

1. Tak adil. Kau sendiri kahwin dengan kawan yang kau kenal dari kecil. Even so, at some point in the past you were still not sure if you will marry him or not. Itu kawan dari kecik tau, aku ni? Baru first time jumpa.

2. Hati budi orang ni pun aku tak tau. Apa dia suka, apa dia tak suka. What's my likes and dislikes pun dia tak tahu. Nama penuh each other pun tak tau! And you think we should already make a move for the next step in relationship? What relationship?? At this point I don't even consider him as friends! And you want me to meet his parents already? WTH??

3. Not in line with my values. Orang macam aku, if I am to adopt/accept a certain learned knowledge/facts, I need to make sure it's in line with my own logic. Example: Kalau belaja Math, belaja mesti sampai faham dalam hati, dan dengan keyakinan. Kalau takat hafal, nope, won't work. Right now, you are telling me to just go on with it without conviction. And that's against my values.

Huh...

Maybe I should just stop this. Just tell them that I can't do it. I can't do what they expected me to do. Bukan salah mamat tu pun. He didn't do anything. Kawan-kawan yang pushy tanya so what's the next plan. Although I understand their view, but that doesn't necessarily mean I agree with them. I have my own values.

Kawin tanpa kenal betul-betul? Not my style. If I'm gonna marry, better marry with conviction. Sorry friend, I hope this won't affect our friendship.

Huh...perhaps it's just me. Aku yang nak kenal-kenal dulu. Kawan dulu. Maybe diorang punya perception lain, once I agree to meeting up, that means I want to proceed with the relationship. Maybe this part is where we misunderstood each other. Maybe it's worth clearing this up between all of us.

So first, I would need to be clear with that mamat. It's not his fault, just that if he's expecting the same thing, I would have to say no. I didn't agree to this with that kind of mindset. I need to ask him first what he thinks about it, before telling him my thoughts.

Second, let my friend know that I'm not going to go through with it. Like she said, better stop now that let it continue longer than it should. Tell her I'm not in this with marriage mindset.

Third, I need to setup a game plan on my own, if I want to search for some guy friends to get to know. Maybe this friend-introduce thing won't work as effective, especially since this guy is a close friend to both of them. So I would be seen as the bad guy if I did something wrong.

And all in all, ask God for guidance.

Hmm...what kind of game plan? Tinder? Out of the question. Those matchmaking websites? Don't know how far should I trust them. But right now I'm sure, I need to do this on my own. Doing it with help from others brings too much pressure.

Relax, you're not rushing to get married. You're happy with being single right now, it's just that you're curious on whether you would want to get married or not if you know some guy friends.

We'll see.

Dear self,

Bismillah.

Dear my past self,

I bet you're not that happy to see what you've become now.

But, I bet you would not be disappointed either.

At least I have money now.

...Instead of happiness.

Lol.

Like what they say, working is better than studying. At least you get money from all the stress.

Well, you were not that happy too back then. You were saying this and that on your work life, on being lonely, on not having anything, on losing hope even.

Well, the present you isn't having any hopes either.

But at least she's not that depressed anymore.

Still not having anything that fit in what we'd call 'dream life', but still...

At least now it feels it's a little bit closer to reality than before.

Hey...look at that. I still have hopes!

- Just wait until the reality comes crashing it down like a steamroller.

...

Well, I don't know how long will this keep up.

I don't know how long will it stay this way.

I don't know...if it will go downhill from here.

At least, now...now I can breathe a bit.

Before the next storm comes.

...

Hey, past me.

Also, present me, and future me.

Do you think our life would be better in the future?

Or will we hide our sorrows, fake our smiles and be lonely till the day we die?

...I bet future me can't tell. Or else she'll be breaking the law of time travel: Not telling anyone on their future.

Lol.

 ***

How bad would the future be?

In peaceful time like this, I don't want to be swayed by its illusion.

Its illusion = it's temporary. Sooner or later, it won't be this peaceful anymore.

But it's fair.

Just as how peaceful times are temporary, so are the storms.

Those storms will pass, and peaceful times will come again.

Hey look! I have hopes again!

Lol...no.

Tengah senang, boleh la cakap macam ni.

Tengah susah, mula la rasa sempit.

***

Ya Allah, tolong...?

Protect me from losing hopes in You.

And dear future self,

Kalau kau stress-stress, kau buang aja duit tu, sedekah kat orang. Ada duit banyak-banyak pun tak guna. Ada dia buat kau bahagia?

Kalau rasa sempit, sedekah dan sedekah.

Looking forward to...

Bismillah.

"Imagine...", they said.

...Huh, my imagination is really running on empty nowadays.

I'm a realistic person, remember? Am also a pessimist, where if you combine those two, it would be enough to drive you towards depression, i.e.: what's there to hope for in life?

...Anticipating something in the future.

I still remember what my ex-boss said when I told him I'm taking leave for a holiday in Japan. He said, "Good, you have something to look forward to."

When he said that, I don't know, something sparks in me. It's one of those moments where I feel like I want to retaliate, but his point actually makes sense so I was rendered speechless. When he said that it feels like...like we need to have something to anticipate in life. If not, your life would be boring. If not, your life would be...hopeless.

What's there to be happy about living?

...

Petty things.

"I look forward to going on a holiday!" Says someone in a chirpy tone.

"I look forward to having our baby born."

"I look forward to getting enough money so that I can buy a house."

...

Sure, I got my own things that I want in the future...but future is never guaranteed right?

So what's your right to believe that whatever you're looking forward to will even occur?

...Hope?

Heh.

***

...I'm so sorry for that sad realization, I don't mean to give you depression.

Here's something for you, if you want to read.

I need proton with all this negativity.

Bismillah.

God, look what I've become.

Kau kata aku dah lain?

Kau kata aku bukan macam dulu lagi?

Kau kata aku dah tak ceria and happening macam dulu?

......

Dah tu kau nak aku jadi macam mana?

Kau rasa dengan dunia yang sunyi dan takde belas kasihan macam ni, boleh ke aku nak stay happy dan ceria sepanjang masa?

Haha...kelakarnyaa. Jangan naif sangat boleh tak. Umur aku dah nak masuk 30 tau tak. Aku dah dewasa. Aku kena jadi dewasa, kalau tak nak kena telan dengan kekejaman dunia tau tak.

Fending for myself alone in a metropolis, with no one I can lean on, while having people who depend on me...kau rasa mampu lagi ke aku act like a naive, cute, innocent little girl?

You must be kidding me.

Satu je aku nak mintak dengan kau. Jangan jadi fair-weathered friend boleh tak? Bila aku baik, comel, happy je kau nak kawan. Bila aku sedih, marah, annoying, kau nak lari?

-----

Kejam kan?

Rasa macam kejam je bila kau baca blog aku ni.

Macam mana kau tak rasa macam nak lari bila aku tulis sekejam ni kan.

...Takpe, kalau kau nak lari, lari lah.

Memang betul pun, aku sendiri akui, kejam sebenarnya apa yang aku tulis ni.

Kat blog ni je lah tempat aku cerita semua perasaan negatif aku. Takde tempat lain dah.

Dengan orang, dengan familli, dengan kawan, semua aku tak cerita. Depan diorang, face-to-face, semua aku buat relax je, senyum macam takde masalah.

Alah, korang mesti paham kan. Sebab korang pun buat macam tu. Depan orang senyum je, walaupun ada masalah.

Korang mesti paham apa aku rasa kan?

...Ke aku je yang rasa macam ni?

-----

Aku masih normal.

Aku masih berfungsi seperti seorang manusia biasa.

Seorang manusia yang mempunyai perasaan.

Aku still have fun, gelak-gelak, happy jumpa member lama...

Cuma kat blog ni je kau nampak semua negatif. Sebab blog ni tempat aku unload garbage yang aku pendam sorang-sorang.

Tu je.

Kau jumpa aku depan-depan, ajak aku lepak-lepak, have fun, aku still boleh enjoy.

Nak mintak aku tolong, or nak ceritakan masalah korang kat aku, aku still boleh jadi a good listener.

Cuma perasaan negatif aku, aku simpan sendiri dan luahkan bukan depan orang.

Macamtu lah.

Dunia sekarang kan macam tu. Rasa gembira, happy, kau boleh tunjuk depan-depan, tapi kalau negativity, sedih, marah, sila jangan tunjuk depan orang. Dunia korporat. Dunia eksekutif. Memang macam tu. "Display of emotion is frowned upon" katanya.

Lagipun kalau kau friendly, sentiasa senyum, nanti orang suka kat kau. Baru orang nak dekat dengan kau.

Bukan macam tu?

-----

I guess, bila aku tulis perasaan negatif aku online, aku rasa lebih selamat. Kenapa?

Sebab kalau online macam ni, dalam blog yang tak ada orang baca pun, tak ada lah aku expect orang akan reply anything.

Dan tak ada lah aku frust kalau orang tak faham apa yang aku cerita.

Bila kita nak cerita perasaan negatif dekat orang, tak kira lah sedih, marah, annoyed or anything, kita sedang jadi vulnerable. Kita sedang expose a side of ourselves yang kita takut orang nampak.

Cuba kau bayang, dah tengah kita vulnerable macam tu, kita cerita masalah kat orang, orang tu buat acuh tak acuh je. Attention dia tak fully 100% kat kau.

Kau rasa? Baik aku takyah cerita kat dia dah lepas ni!

Tu lah apa yang jadi kat aku. Masa dia cerita masalah dia kat aku, aku beria lah dengar sungguh-sungguh, jadi supportive. Bila masa aku pulak cerita masalah aku kat dia, dia buat dek, pastu dia pergi pusing cerita pasal diri dia pulak.

...Tu lah, sesetengah orang yang banyak cakap ni tak semestinya pendengar yang baik.

Lagi satu, bila aku lepaskan perasaan dalam blog yang sunyi ni, tak ada lah orang yang akan retaliate, or cakap aku salah, or cakap 'aku tak patut rasa macam tu'.

Masalah sesetengah orang ni kan, bila kita cerita masalah or perasaan kita pada dia, dia balas balik seolah-olah kita tak patut rasa macam tu. Macam kita salah sebab rasa macam tu.

Perasaan is just that, perasaan. Kita rasa sesuatu dalam hati tu, bukannya kita boleh control. So, jangan la bila orang cerita masalah kat kau, kau cakap kat orang tu, 'kau tak patut rasa macam tu'. Perasaan tu muncul tanpa diminta. Rasa tu setakat rasa, bukannya jadi sesuatu pun. Orang tu cerita kat kau sebab nak kongsi rasa kurang selesa dia tu. Lepas dia cerita, nanti hilang lah perasaan tu, lega lah dia. Kenapa pulak kau nak cakap dia tak patut rasa macam tu?

Contoh paling cliche la aku bagi kat korang. Ada orang terjatuh cinta dekat laki/bini orang. Orang tu cerita kat kau, pastu kau kata 'Kau tak patut ada perasaan tu'.

Meh sini aku cakap semula. Perasaan tu tak boleh dikawal. Apa yang dia rasa tak salah. Tau tak apa yang salah? Kalau dia jatuh cinta, lepas tu dia pergi ngorat or pergi menggedik dengan laki/bini orang tu. Itu yang salah.

Perasaan tak salah. Perbuatan/action yang salah. Perasaan tak boleh dikawal. Tapi perbuatan or action kita boleh dikawal.

Tapi kalau kau rasa perasaan tu dah nak hilang kawalan, kau jangan la layankan dia. Kau jangan dok pikir-pikirkan dia. Yes, kau akui perasaan tu ada. Kau jangan deny. Lagi kau deny, nanti perasaan kau tu akan memberontak. Instead, kau ignore je. Betul, kau jatuh cinta kat laki/bini orang. Rasa suka tu tak salah. Tapi jangan suka sangat sampai kau pergi buat benda yang tak sepatutnya. Cuba sibukkan diri buat benda lain, sampailah kau boleh lupakan perasaan tu.

Arasso? 😏

Alone.

Bismillah.

Alone.

Somehow, it doesn’t ring anything to me, that word.

Because somehow, the word ‘alone’ has a negative connotation to it, and I’m not feeling anything negative about being on my own.

I’m not alone. There are people around me.

Housemates, colleagues, family, those waiters at restaurants, the auxiliary polices I see everyday on my way to work, the crowd...

See, there are people.

I’m not alone.

...BUT!

Lonely. Now, that's a feeling.

Hey, it's never wrong to admit you're feeling it. Same like anger, sadness, sorrow etc., you can feel lonely too.

The need to depend on someone else.

I wonder, is it a rational need? Is it reasonable? Is it needed, really?

I...don't know.

Stop telling me I'm not good enough!

Bismillah.

When I told my boss I wanted to quit, I told him my reason was because I wanted to go back to my hometown. He then proceeded to tell me on all the options available, where I don't really have to quit: I can continue working remotely, either as a part-timer or a contractor.

Heh, nope, I'm not a fan of working remotely. Especially when you still expect me to improve on my 'weaknesses'.

See, that's the real problem. I lied. I didn't want to quit to go back and spend some precious time with my family. I want to quit because of this culture in the office where they focus on improving those weaknesses you have. I'm not a fan of that. Improvements, hey, it's a good thing, but why focus on something you lack? Why not focus on improving something that you already have, like strengths?

I'm not assertive enough? I need to take on more responsibilities? I need to create my own 'recipes'? I need to plan better and have better goals? Dude, tell me something I don't know.

They wrote those in my performance review. Now I sound like I'm complaining. Hah, who cares. I'm not happy with it, so I complain. I told them that, that I'm not happy with how they do the performance review. The 'developmental areas' as they call it would always be the main focus. I mean, yeah, hey, they did write some 'strengths' in it too, like, how the colleagues like me, how I helped my colleagues...and how I do my job okay...

...BUT! Tell me, in that same performance review piece, what are your goals being based on? Yep, your goals are being set based on your WEAKNESSES. I'm not assertive enough? Your goals is to be more assertive. You also need to volunteer on more projects and thus take up more responsibilities. Heh, like you're not giving me enough work already *rolls eyes* And it doesn't help the fact that those goals were created by the boss, meanwhile the goals that you wrote for yourself were crossed out for not being 'grand' enough. Huh, then they added that I don't like getting out of my comfort zone. Yep, it's true, I don't like it. Are you gonna force it on me then? Huh.

And then those one-on-ones with the boss every two weeks, what are the main focus for that discussion? 'Developmental areas', i.e. WEAKNESSES. Ugh. Basically, what I'm saying is, dude, stop reminding me that I'm not good enough!

It's not like I'm doing a bad job at work. If I am, they would be telling me that. But no. They said that project I did was good, and they were happy with it yada yada. Then, the hell-- why do I get the impression that it's the opposite of what you said? If something is not broken, why FIX IT? It's like you're trying to fix me, thus giving me the impression that I'm broken. But you said I did a good job. But then you're telling me I'm not *insert adjectives* enough. Now you're confusing me!

Huh. I don't know, seriously. I don't know whether I don't like just this one job, or I don't like working in general. I mean, for sure other companies would have those same performance review every year, right? So there's always possibilities where we'll end up talking about my weaknesses again.

Dude, I don't understand these obsessions on weaknesses. Dude, we only have a few couple of decades left to live, why focus on the bad side of life? You only live once, right? YOLO. See good things in people. Encourage them on that, not try to put them down on something they don't have. Isn't that what we need to do to be grateful to God, by seeing the good things that we actually have, rather than focusing on what we don't?

...(◔_◔)

***

See how a 2-months break from stressful environment did to me? ...At least I'm not butching about work anymore.

Oh wait. I just did.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

MONEY

Bismillah.

God, look at that.

Look at that girl with her two sisters. They look happy. She brought them around, showed them the city.

God, look at them.

Look at those people playing skateboards, fist-bumping one another. They look cool. They got the freedom to be outside even after midnight, no worries.

God, look at her.

Look at her when she went back home from work, exhausted and stressed out. We knew. But now she asked me to do same thing that made her unhappy.

God, look at me.

Look at how the boss is praising me, encouraging me for my work. But my doubts grow day by day. I am not happy, even confused.

God, look at me.

Look at how I envy other people's lives, being ungrateful for what I have. Yet, I am paralyzed, unable to make the necessary changes, if any is needed.

God, look at me.

Look at how stupidly I am trying to make myself happy, hanging out with friends, playing games, eating. But this is not living. It's empty. It's fake.

God, why am I wasting my 40+ hours a week, doing something I don't care about?

MONEY???!!!

MONEY???!!!

That sh*t. That sh*t that WE ALL NEED just to survive in this world.

WHY, DO WE DIE IF WE DON'T HAVE IT???

Ugh.

I think a lot on just living under the bridge, homeless. I mean, what worse things that could've happened if I don't have money?

But then, your family needs you. You need to feed them mouths.

OH NOES THEY DON'T NEED YOU THEY NEED YOUR MONEY! THOSE DAMN GREEN RED PAPER THING YOU KEEP INSIDE YOU WALLET/PURSES...THE THICKER YOU HAVE THE BETTER...

...

See how money becomes the thing that determines your life?

Oh don't you go around telling me, 'no, I'm not driven by money'...because it's all LIES!

In the end, you work because you want money. You go around searching for better jobs, even though you already have one, because you want MORE MONEY!

But...without money, how are you gonna put food in your mouth?

...

I don't know, eat grass or something?

See. Without money, YOU DIE.

***

God...forgive me. Please.

Post gambar kat FB, Instagram, dan yang sewaktu dengannya.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Ramai orang post gambar kat FB, Instagram.

 Cantik-cantik belaka. 

Ada yang post gambar sendiri, ada yang post gambar anak, famili, ada yang post gambar tempat travel dan aktiviti.

Nampak bahagia je kan.

Bila orang tengok gambar-gambar kau, terdetik kat hati orang tu, 

-"Untunglah dapat banyak like. Muka licin/cantik/hensem."

-"Wah, best nya dapat jalan sana sini. Mesti banyak guna duit kan?"

-"Comelnya anak dia/Sweetnya husband/wife/famili diorang. Etc. Etc.

Sedangkan aku tau, dan aku yakin ramai juga yang tau, the happy pictures that you put up are just a facade.

Hey, life isn't all about rainbows and sunshine. And everyone knows, this is a fact.

Fakta. Bahawa bukan setiap hari kita akan nampak bahagia dan happy macam dalam gambar-gambar yang kita post tu.

However, it's not wrong to post them pictures.

Aku tahu, some people make it their life goal to be as happy as they can, so those beautiful pictures that they posted may act like their motivation. And this is not wrong. It's good, even. It is good, to have a dream, a dream of an ideal life that you wish to live.

So... I guess it's just me.

Aku...susah nak post gambar. Salah satu sebab, aku taknak tunjuk muka pada public. Macam-macam orang boleh buat dengan gambar kita. Photoshop la, sihir la, simpan buat stock la etc. etc. Not to say that I'm so famous that people want to keep my pictures in their wallets haha.

Sebab kedua ialah aku tak nampak alasan yang kukuh untuk kongsi gambar aku yang happy sangat tu. Sebab aku tau, hanya dengan sekeping gambar happy tu tak cukup untuk menggambarkan seluruh hidup aku.

Like I said previously, life is not all about rainbows and butterflies. Selain gembira, ada juga sedih, marah, takut...nanti kalau aku dah start post satu gambar happy, maka next aku pun kena post gambar sedih, marah etc. etc....haha, sebenarnya aku je yang susah nak post gambar. Susah nak post apa-apa. Tak tau nak post untuk apa.

Umm atau mungkin, aku ni yang banyak berahsia. Haha.

Hmm. Back to the main issue of this post. Post gambar dalam FB and Insta. Tak salah. Ya, aku cakap tak salah. 

But truth be told...I'm a bit jealous la. Haha. Tengok muka kawan-kawan, junior-junior, abang kakak yang comel-comel, kulit putih licin, tangkap gambar muka masam macam mana pun still maintain hensem! Haish macam mana la kau buat kan. Sebab tu kalau aku tangkap gambar, aku buat muka funny, hidung senget, jelir lidah. Sebabnya, kalau muka aku tak secantik diorang, at least muka aku dapat hiburkan diorang, buat diorang gelak. Haha. Hey, kadang-kadang aku teringin jugak nak post gambar macam korang. Muka comel, duck mouth (XD), senyum nampak gigi, fotogenik...Tapi aku tau, muka aku takda lah hadap mana orang nak tengok. Lagipun, aku malu kalau orang like gambar muka aku. Nanti nampak macam meraih perhatian (attention seeking) pulak. (No offense, just personal preference). Jual muka. Aku mahal. Kalau nak tengok muka aku, tengok depan-depan. Lol.

Kalau nak post gambar travel, hmm...aku bukannya travel mana. Pi mai pi mai tang tu jugak. Kerja, rumah. Kerja, rumah. Tak travel pun. Tapi jujur aku cakap, spend time dalam bilik pun best jugak. Aku ada banyak projek (read: hobby) yang aku nak buat. Yes, I have lots of interests and interests aku fluctuate over time. Kejap aku dah bosan hobi ni, aku buat hobi lain. Then, hobi lain. Then hobi lain. Then, patah balik kepada hobi yang first tadi. So, aku jeles la jugak tengok gambar orang travel. Tapi banyak sangat alasan yang aku boleh bagi untuk justify kenapa aku tak travel. Haha. Malas nak planning, tak ada teman, malas kumpul duit, malas itu, malas ini...dah, dah biar aku simpan sendiri alasan aku. Takut berdarah telinga (mata) korang dengar nanti.

Tengok gambar famili...haa aku no komen. Hey, bebudak comel pe. Tapi tak best la kalau tengok gambar je. Kau tau apa yang lagi best? Bila korang dapat spend time dengan budak-budak comel tu. Korang pegang tangan dia untuk ajar berjalan, tolong kendongkan sementara mak budak tu pergi shopping, buat budak tu gelak, bagi budak tu makan...etc. etc...Bila kau jumpa depan-depan, baru kau tau yang budak ni bukannya senyum memanjang. Lagi banyak tantrumnya dari sengih. Merengek, nangis tak kira tempat. Haha. For me, bila kau rasa sendiri, baru kau tahu, indah khabar dari rupa.

You see, that said, walaupun aku tak post gambar apa-apa pun, tak bermakna aku takda life yang happy. Ada je sekali tu aku pergi social activities dengan office, pergi water rafting dengan waterfall abseiling. Best gila siot water rafting tu! Tapi aku tak post satu gambar pun. Hmm. Sebab bagi aku, gambar tu tak cukup untuk menerangkan suasana keseronokan yang aku alami. Man, you gotta experience it yourself man! Takat tengok gambar, mana cukup! Kau kena rasa macam mana raft kau terumbang ambing dek arus, air memercik ke muka, kau lean ke kiri, ke kanan, just to keep the balance of the raft, ikut cakap pengemudi, kayuh ikut rentak...pergh...all my senses were satisfied. (Pstt, gambar kitorang waterfall abseiling masuk Siakap Keli kot! Haha. Nasib baik tak ada orang perasan)

Haha yep. Tu je lah pendapat aku tentang gambar-gambar tu. Ya, aku jeles la jugak sikit. Siap ada orang compare muka dia sama dengan pelakon Korea. Haha. Untunglah muka kau hensem bang. Tak pa, tak pa, just go on with what you guys are doing. Biarlah aku kat sini hari hari menatap gambar happy korang. Ya, aku tau, disebalik kebahagiaan itu, aku sentiasa remind diri aku sendiri, bukan setiap hari dia happy macam tu. Jadi biarlah, dia meniknmati saat itu selagi ia masih ada. For me, sedih ke, happy ke, marah ke...perasaan-perasaan tu akan jadi lebih berbaloi bila kita tengok dan alaminya sendiri di depan mata, instead of just watching it over the net or something. That way baru aku namakan berkongsi kegembiraan.

The end.

Mengumpat, dan implikasinya

Bismillah.

Kalau suami orang datang pikat kau, tak mustahil nanti kau dah kahwin dengan dia, dia pikat perempuan lain pulak.

Sama jugak macam mengumpat. Kau mengumpat orang lain depan aku, tak mustahil nanti esok lusa kau mengumpat aku depan orang lain pulak.

Mengumpat ni bahaya kepada semua pihak. Orang yang mendengar umpatan akan berburuk sangka pada yang diumpat, orang yang diumpat akan dipinggirkan tanpa mengetahui sebabnya, dan orang yang mengumpat akan jadi orang yang tak boleh dipercayai.

Kalau tak suka, cakap depan-depan. Kalau tak nak cakap, diamlah. Kau cerita keburukan dia pada orang lain, apa faedah yang kau dapat? Apakah masalah kau dengan dia akan selesai kalau kau cerita kat orang? Kot ya pun nak cerita, cerita lah pada orang yang betul. Pada orang yang kau nak umpat tu. Sekurang-kurangnya dia dapat tahu mana salah dia. Boleh lah dia betulkan. Kalau dia buat bodoh je lepas kau tegur, itu masalah dia lah. Tanggungjawab kau dah selesai.

Ini lah yang menyebabkan aku nak lari daripada kau. Kau suka umpat orang. Dan aku rasa 'kotor' setiap kali kau mula perangai kau tu. Pot pet pasal orang ni, orang tu. Hah, nanti nama aku lah pulak yang bakal dipotpet kannya. Haa tengok, aku pun dah berburuk sangka. Ya, aku faham kalau kau geram, dia tak buat kerja ke, bagi arahan tak betul ke...aku pun geram. Tapi bila kau cerita, sebut nama dia, cakap keburukan dia...macam kau tu tak sedar yang kau pun bukannya sempurna sangat. Macam kau tak nampak keburukan yang kau sendiri pun ada. Kau tak takut ke, bila kau bukak keburukan orang lain, bukak aib orang lain, Allah akan bukak aib kau?

Ya Allah, peliharalah kami dari dibukakan aib kami. Di dunia, dan di hari pengadilan.

Ya, aku pun paham kalau kau cerita pada orang untuk hilangkan stress. Macam apa yang aku buat ni jugak. Aku stress dengan apa yang kau buat tu. Tapi ada aku sebut nama kau? Pembaca tahu ke siapa yang aku dok marahkan ni? Tak, diorang tak tahu, sebab aku tak sebut nama siapa-siapa pun. Ya, lain kali, kalau nak hilangkan tekanan perasaan, guna ton umum. Senang orang paham, oh...kau nakkan nasihat. Diorang pun boleh bagi pendapat diorang tanpa bias kepada sebelah pihak. Ni kalau kau sebut nama orang secara spesifik...aku pun dah mula buruk sangka. "Eh kau ni, kau nak hilangkan stress ke, kau nak buruk-burukkan orang tu?"

Tolonglah. Tolonglah jangan makan bangkai saudara sendiri. Ya Allah...geli tau tak!

Hubungan persahabatan/ukhuwwah tu akan lebih senang terjalin, dan lebih senang kekal lama kalau tak ada orang yang suka mengumpat. Kita akan saling berbaik sangka, dan berbaik sangka ni secara tak langsung menyebabkan:

1. Dia pun turut berbaik sangka dengan kita

2. Dia jadi termotivasi untuk jadi baik macam yang kita sangkakan

3. Kita akan saling menghargai, menyayangi, dan lebih senang untuk kita menerima keburukan/kelemahan dia

Allah.

Hmm. Aku tau, berdasarkan kemampuan aku, aku tak dapat nak tegur dia depan-depan. Tapi aku akan sentiasa memerhati. Kot-kot ada peluang yang boleh aku guna.

Allah. Manusia. Aku pun tak sempurna.

Art Therapy: Draw 5 Things

Bismillah.

So I decided to try art therapy. Got it from here: http://www.creativecounseling101.com/house-tree-water-sun-moon-animal.html

The instruction is to draw 5 things on a paper: house, tree, animal, water and sun/moon. Doesn't matter how you'd draw it, just make sure to have those five things. Here's how mine turned out:

I used Paper by 53 app on my iPad mini. So supposedly the art counselor would look at your painting and ask you questions, but since I don't have one...let me just describe my painting on my own.

First, my house. A house in the painting supposedly represents your own self. My house's small but cozy and comfy, the one you would call home. It'll fit for me only for now, but if there would be another person to live in there, I won't renovate the house to make it bigger. If you won't be comfortable living together with me in there, then you are welcomed to leave. However, visitors are happily welcomed. See, the door and windows are always open during the day, hell, there's no door at all. There are no curtains whatsoever, the windows are very effective for wind flow. But at night there is a door and I'll close it tight and lock it for privacy, while leaving the windows open to enjoy the night sky. Those windows will be closed only when I'm not home. The inside of my house is simple with just a few necessary furniture, a bed, chair, small table, small rack/cupboard, and one picture hanging on the wall or a vase of fresh small flowers on the table. My house is made of wood because...come on, who would build a concrete house in the middle of the forest? I'd like to enjoy nature as much as I can. What do you think? Would you like to visit this kind of house someday?

Second, the water represents a 'mother' figure. My water is the river, flowing fast, but still gentle and not that deep. Safe for me to take some drinking water, or catch fishes, or wash things or myself, or even get to the other side. The water is clean and clear, and surely it is an essential part of the house. Or else, how am I going to live in the middle of the forest? The river is the source of water for the whole forest, right?

Third, the sun is the 'father' figure. My sun is not drawn whole, because for me, the whole sun might burn me too much. Therefore my sun is sort of just peeking to watch over the whole thing. Therefore its rays can be accepted and enjoyed, which would make it feel warm and comforting. If you drew a moon, the explanation's something about intuition. You can go to the link I provide you above to learn more.

Fourth, the tree. It represents the interpersonal relationships one has or does not have. Notice that my tree is a forest! Wow, that's a lot of trees. My house is surrounded by the tree. And by my house there are two trees which stand firm and sort of protect the house. All other trees serve the same function, hiding the house from the outside world and protecting it. My house doesn't have a door, remember? The trees are healthy, evergreen and provide shade, some fruits, firewoods and other benefits. The trees do not grow too close together, thus providing easy navigation in between them. There are no dangerous animals living in there, even if there were, the animals wouldn't disturb me or they are tame. The house is on the left side of the forest, the area is much more familiar, whereby the other side of the river seems foreign and scary the more you go deeper. 

Last but not least, the animal. Supposedly represents your 'ego'? I don't understand this part. The page told me to find the meaning in DreamDictionary, in which I did read one in Dreammoods website. At first I was having a doubt on what animal should I put in my drawing. I was considering not to put any. V-shaped birds are lame, besides, it's not even a sunset. Birds in nest? Too noisy with their chirping. Cat/dog? Nope, too cumbersome to draw. Besides, how are they gonna find their food? Or even if there are dogs/cats, most probably they are lost inside the forest or found another owner. Other animals? I'm not familiar with them, so no. Damn, but I should drawn at least one animal. So I picked fish, just because it could be my source of food. Those fishes are not going anywhere. Because they are MY food. Haha. So my fishes are sort of trapped in a cage. Consider I'm keeping them in a pond. Because that translation in that website said that I have an emotion that has been repressed, or will be revealed.

Anyway, that's it. Whatever it is, I actually enjoyed the drawing process. Putting in details into it was a dreaded but somehow addicting activity for me. It looks messy, isn't it? Heh. Whatever. I've drawn myself a cute little house in the middle of nowhere. 

Free from expectations.

Gamophobia

Bismillah.

Dear God.

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but...I have a crush.

Yes. I know it's stupid. I know feelings like this will go away. Just like that monthly PMS having me cry with no obvious reasons.

Or WITH reasons, except that those reasons feel stupid afterwards. The reasons are rational, but I choose to...let say, ignore it.

Sh*t. Stupid crush. I even told Naqi that he doesn't want me anymore when he's being pushy wanting to know when I am getting married.

Hey slowpoke, you're the one I like!

Sh*t. And Naqi laughed at me.

...Yeah, I know. Crush is stupid. I won't be mad at Naqi. I totally understand him.

And maybe he's not that slow. Maybe he intentionally trying to piss me off because he doesn't want me hoping on him.

Or maybe because he already has someone else.

But why didn't he say so?! Ugh. He told me no one wants him, because he's in the army and armies are rough.

Damn. I told him he got plenty of secret admirers, didn't I? Didn't I?!

Ugh! Stupid feelings.

...fine, I do like him. All I wanted is to know that he likes me back.

...then?

...Then...I don't know. I might get bored after that.

...And umm...I don't think I'm gonna marry any time sooner.

I...sort of playing around a bit...but not really...I still like him...

...but I'm still gamophobia.

...i'm 'faulty' I guess.

Childish

Bismillah.

As a human, we sometimes get jealous when we see other people have things that we don't have. That's natural. That's common.

So?

So I am jealous. Hmm, well maybe not. But maybe it has turned so bad that what I feel is no longer jealousy, but disgust.

Yes, disgust. That disgust when that other person gain the things that you can't get. Then I would continue blaming the reality is harsh and all those cliche things spoken in a soap opera.

Huh. I know, I know it's bad. But...

I'm not willing to change it. I...shall keep it hidden. Deep inside.

Why? Because I know it's bad. I know people won't agree with it. So I'd just keep it.

People would say, why won't you solve it through discussion?

...

...Lemme just keep this, okay? I'm sure everyone has some ugly things they're keeping inside.

And I should study more on how to be more grateful.

***

It seems like I'm getting sentimental, worse than them.

They're relaxed, and cool with the idea that I'm leaving.

And me? Overly excited and eager to take pictures with them.

What the heck.

...

Look, it's been fun, okay, and uh...

Hmmm, maybe I'd been tricked into believing that they like me.

...Maybe I should act natural and be cool about it too. Heh, I'm just excited with my first experience teaching in secondary school.

It's been interesting watching kids do fun things. Heck, it's even more fun to be doing those things myself. It keep us feeling young and creative, isn't it? It's not wrong to be a bit childish, isn't it?

The right to be validated.

The unknown future.

Bismillah.

So what's your plan for the future?

This is the question for you, and for my own self.

The hell. I don't know the answer. I mean, I do have plans, but they are just what they are. Just...plain plans. Not yet hatched into real actions.

And I'm not too eager to face them. It doesn't seem so bright and sunny to me.

Other people can say, hey you got a brilliant mind, you surely will succeed in life. But reality *is* harsh.

Huh, seems like I'm giving excuses from striving to lead my own future.

Yes, my dreams for the future are different from what my mother envisions. And that makes me confuse. Should I continue with my plans, or should I follow what my mom says?

Huh. And people said "Discuss!"

...

You know what, I'm not gonna say anything.

+++

I wanna go travel to another country, especially Japan. I wanna learn more on different cultures, take what's good from them and widen my own views on the world.

I wanna learn more. I wanna study more. I feel like I wanna study my whole life. But the problem is, that kind of reason is not enough to be given to scholarship interviewers.

I wanna work overseas, leave the comfort of my own country and challenge myself. I wanna work with freedom, I wanna discover something new, create, make, innovate. Sounds like scientists and researchers.

Huh. Sounds stupid.

You know what? It doesn't matter.

Even though I don't want to say this, but...lemme just...

Whatever.

Marrying a best friend.

Things happen for a reason, right?

Yeah. Not long ago, I've learnt what I actually want after someone confessed his love to me.

When he did that, God that made me feel messed up. I hate it when men tell me they like me. It makes me feel...umm...disgusted. I believe it is because it's hard to gain my trust.

Before, I didn't know what kind of characteristics I wanted in a husband. I didn't know what kind of a life partner I wanted. Now, after this thing happened, it became clearer that  I need a best friend as my husband. Not just a random guy coming to my house asking my hand for marriage. Why? Because I need to trust you before handing my life to you. I need to know that you can be relied on living with me and accepting whatever flaws I have. Only after that I wouldn't be in doubt to marry you.

Yep, I rejected that guy who confessed to me. Well, not really rejected, but sort of like friendzoned him, telling him I don't have any hopes to give to him. God, he was so straight forward telling me that he wanted a wife with house close to him so that it would be easy to go back for Raya. He even told me his plan on when to get married. It was like he was sure that I would  marry him.

Sorry bro, but the way you did it gave a slight hint of authoritativeness. I've never said that I wanted you, have I?

Hmm. At first I was really hesitant in rejecting, just because I'm afraid I won't have any luck with other men, thus causing me to be forever alone. But I gotta do what I gotta do, right? Yes, even though I am afraid of marrying, I am also afraid of living alone forever. Yes, it is true that I want to know what is it like living on your own and being independent, but even I would need a best friend by my side. Having a girl as my best friend won't do, because another guy would have her by his side and not mine. The only way I could have a best friend to stay by my side forever is by marrying one.

Huh. Yes. That is my idea of marrying.

But still, to marry someone is to trust him/her with your life, and to be living together by each other's side. How would you know that you are suited for each other? That's why I believe it is  best to marry a best friend. Because you've already known him, and you've love your best friend despite their flaws.

Well, at least that is my idea of a best friend.

+++

Yes, I love my best friend and I know she has her flaws, but I accepted it and instead put emphasizes on her charms and beauty. You can't help it, when you love someone you will be blinded. But now that she's married, I know I can no longer have her by my side, and have her listen to my problems, or have her accompany me to go shopping or something. She is now someone else's. She is no longer available for me. And I have to accept it, and move on, right?

Yep, it's sad. But at the same time I should be happy for her. I can't be selfish and said I want to her to be only mine, right?

Hmm. La la la la. Anyone wants to be another best friend of mine? It may be hard to gain my trust, but once you have it, you will be that special someone in my life. I'll make sure you won't regret it. 

Weaknesses and strengths.

Bismillah.

I am sure about my weaknesses, but always unsure about my strength.

Yep. I have psoriasis, I have a stabbing headache (luckily not often), I sleep late and wake up late, my grammar and vocab wouldn't make me proud and confident enough to publish (or even start writing) a story, I suck at talking with adults, I can't emphatize well, I'm impatient...(please, let me continue), I suck at making best friends,  i don't know what should I do with my future...and I'm still dependent on my mother.

Gosh, all those make me feel bad. And that's not even the end of the list!

We all have our weaknesses, right? Things we that we don't want other to know. Things that we keep hating because they always stay inside us. Even though we manage to lose some along the journey to become mature, we pick some new others too.

That's human, we are imperfect.

Though I'd like to stress here, remember that there will always be someone who's having worse. You still have a home, someone else don't. You still have a family, someone else don't. Even if you really have nothing, at least you are still alive, and you have God. You can ask Him anything. Even simple things like, dear God, please give me a new shoes as this one I'm wearing is already torn. I said, ANYTHING.

Dear Allah, help me ease this headache. Please.

*********

What about strengths? Can we be really sure about our strengths?

Hah, I can't.

At least, that's for me. A lot of women feel not so confident and value themselves lesser than they should. That's why they know about their weaknesses more than their strengths.

Anyway, I shall attempt to list my strengths.

Hmm...I can understand lessons pretty fast, I'm confident with my skills of copying, I can draw and write stuffs (though never good at them, huh). I'm tough (or at least from my point of view), I like challenges (but not too much physical challenges, please), I can do some boys' stuffs (is that supposed to be a good thing?!) and umm...I can cook a bit...and umm...

Oh quit it! Coming up with good things about yourself is tiring. It's like praising yourself and you are happy with it, but then you say to yourself, other people can do all those better than you.

Huh. Even the list of strengths I wrote has some weaknesses in there, too.

*********

And so, people tell me not to compare myself to others, even weaknesses or strengths. If you wanna compare, compare with yourself. Yep, I know it's hard. Humans tend to compare things with each other. Nevertheless, each people is a unique being isn't it? Our weaknesses and strengths make us different from others. So...

Yeah. I should just accept myself the way I am and be happy with it. Thank God I am still 'me'.