Being liked, or hated.

Bismillah.

Currently, I'm sort of thinking if people like me or hate me.

It spurred after reading a Reddit post about some MBTI type (probably INFJ?) bashing his/her ISTP partner for things that they do. They said ISTPs are egocentric, not clear of their own feelings, selfish, arrogant, cold etc. etc...

Well, I am ISTP.

And it hurts reading that.

Sure you may say to just ignore what the internet said, not everything on the internet is correct.

But still, doesn't hurt if I do some self-reflection, right?

Hah, ISTP doing self-reflection. That's a good thing.

So I started thinking. Do people hate me?

I started looking around. Is there anyone around me who hates me?

I don't think so. Annoyed, maybe. Hate? So far none, unless they're being really discreet about it.

People in my office like me. At least that's what I think, so far, after coming to the office every Wednesday and greeting them, chatting with them all around. I even organized an escape room session over a weekend, some of the colleagues I went with greet me with a smile every time they see me in office. Before this, we don't even look at each other.

That's a good thing, right?

Heck, I'm also still good friend with one of my colleagues from old company, also, chatted another one in LinkedIn. So far, all good with them.

Friends from uni time. I am good friend with one. Her birthday coming soon, so gotta go order a gift for her. And also, contacted another one that I haven't been contacting since a few years, asking if free for a chitchat or coffee (unfortunately she's not free). Hmm, don't know if it's because she's uncomfortable with me, but I'm pretty sure it's just her circumstances currently.

I think I was pretty good during my uni years. During foundation years we built a good team with FRC. Then during bachelor degree years, I got pretty good with my course mates, they elected me to be asst. lead for the batch that one time. And some of the lecturers are pretty okay with me too (in particular that one Madam teaching Stats class). Erm I guess except Prof Torla? Haha. (because I didn't like his Peer/Problem-based learning style) and because I think he noticed I was silently rebelling.

Now, in my high school years...huh. I don't know what went wrong there haha.

My lower secondary school, I guess that went fine, it was filled with my efforts trying to fit in because I was in a boarding school. My parents were close i.e. they could come fetch me once in a while since the school was just 2 hours away from home. In the dormitory I know there were some people who might've disliked me because I was a prefect (hah!), but those same people, the ones who I knew talked bad about me behind my back, they were the ones who actually helped me when I had a bad fever (my family didn't even know). Shocking, isn't it? I'm not angry at them anymore. And I hope they're not angry at me too. But other than them, I think my classmates were pretty nice and okay, too.

Now, upper secondary school...I moved to a different school. More elite...I guess? Still boarding school.

And guess what, I think this was the one real time when I felt disliked.

Form4/16y.o., it went by so fast I couldn't remember much about it. What I did remember was my homeroom teacher's disappointed face seeing my AddMaths result (it was a D or something). Well, fair enough, she would be disappointed since I was in the first-rank class, where we were supposed to be geniuses and maintain our good grades.

Come second year, Form5/17y.o., there I was, still in first-rank class (but I probably ranked last in that class haha). During the first AddMaths test to check if we remember last year's topics, guess what I got?

Zero.

Yep, all questions answered wrong. And guess what face did my homeroom teacher make? Haha.

I guess since then she targeted me as a problematic student.

I think she might be an ESTJ/ISTJ/xxTJ combo which was so strict, and expect others to perform up to their standards. One time, she organized some sort of personality quiz based on colors (green, orange, blue, gold? idr), and she was so proud of those who got the same primary color as her, which was Green/Gold, which meant that they are followers of rules, systematic, orderly, intellectual thinkers etc etc. She then mentioned something about those who got Blue, that they needed to watch out or something? like it's a bad thing, because Blue represents those who are more into feelings and emotions. I was scared to admit that I got Blue as my secondary color. Well, my primary color wasn't her favourite either, Orange means I am spontaneous, fun and enjoys adventure.

There was also a time when she invited for a one-on-one session with each of us before the big exam (SPM), each of us needs to go set up appointment and meet her alone in her room. And guess what? I think I'm the only one who didn't bother, or too scared to go meet her. That's how I felt about her, my homeroom & AddMaths teacher.

Meanwhile my classmates...hah, most of them got Green/Gold as primary colors. No wonder I felt ostracized, though they might not mean it. Or did they? I did feel comfortable enough with one girl who got same primary color as me, but the rest of them...hmm. I guess our preference clashed there, rule-follower vs. rule-breaker haha.

They were the studious ones, while I was the wild one.

And I do think that most of the guys in that class might have hated me. One occasion was that we had to act out the drama script in our BM literature class, the teacher told the guys that some of them would need to redo it because their dialogues were too short. Then they protested, mentioning my character and said that I would need to redo it too because my character just kept repeating similar lines.

I guess it's fair that they protested, but to single me out from the other girls...I guess they disliked me that much.

And then the other time where the teacher (yep, same homeroom teacher) was holding a meeting for the class, sort of like to air out our disagreements about the class and stuff. And again....guess what, they singled me out. They said I was loud in class, whenever teacher asked if we understand what was being taught, I would reply yes if I understood. And they hated that. Of course, it's fair, they reasoned that they didn't understand yet, so me, answering yes to what the teacher asked, caused them to miss out on whatever's the teacher was teaching.

I think they could've just asked the teacher if they don't understand, why would they blame me for replying to what the teacher was asking?

Then, would it be better if I kept quiet, and left the teacher unanswered, facing the whole class that was so quiet?

Heck, I did have experience teaching a first-rank class during my teaching practicum, and let me tell you, it's sometimes scary that no one answered me when I asked them if they understood me or not. It made me question if I'm teaching human beings or robots.

To my defense, I don't want to leave the teacher hanging. Me, answering yes to them, at least help encourage them. Heck, that one Stats lecturer madam during my uni time would often search for my face in class, because I always answered her questions with the yesses or with confused looks. Because I think for her, I am an easy feedback. It helps her teaching as well. And the fact that she often looked for me makes me happy, like I'm wanted in the class. And I'd like to believe that she liked me as her student as well.

You know, IIRC I cried during that session, that meeting/disagreement session during high school. Because I was standing alone while everyone else was sitting, and blaming me. There was only this one guy, one guy who dared to disagree with his mates, saying that it was okay for me to keep saying my yesses to teachers, agreeing with my reasoning. But he was the only guy, and I think the other guys were glaring at him when he said that. I had a brief crush on that guy.

See, people remember how you make them feel, not what you said or what you did.

Other than my classmates, I think I fared better in the dorms. Ya know, my dorm girls were so kind and nice they appointed me to be assistant leader again...though I didn't think it carried much weight. It was just a title. Other than that, I do admit I was overall pretty weird, but I was good with them girls, happily going around visiting other rooms, being friendly with them, joining nasyeed and drama competition etc. etc. I was still wild, going alone to the city, waking up late and coming late to the surau and stuff...but I think I was pretty liked.

Though I do admit, I was immature that time,  compared to my other friends. I made a lot of mistakes, I was childish as well. But I enjoyed being childish. Being intentionally childish helped me bond closely with my late father. I don't like to lose my childishness and grow up so fast. My childhood was fun, and being an adult just sucks.

All that said, I think I'm pretty much okay. Not hated. I do hope I don't have horrendous traits that make people stay away from me. So far I'm the one who sort of stay away from people haha. Overall, other than those guys in my classroom, I don't remember times when I was singled out and attacked so brazenly haha. And I hope that time would never come again.

I guess, being smart but placed in the wrong place is worse than being average but placed with people who accept who you are. I guess, better to be the top student a low-ranked class than being the last student in top-rank class. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯