Kid crying? I'm crying too.

Bismillah.

I realize I can't hang around kids.

No, I don't hate kids, I like playing with them.

But to be around them 24 hours daily...I don't think I can do it.

I would get sooo anxious and drained and jittery from being needed all the time.

And I would break down.

And I would pull away and closed my doors.

It has happened.

Kids, you can't reason with them. Nor can you just leave them to do whatever they want. They need supervision.

See, I'll get especially anxious if I'm with a kid who refuses to do what I need them to do.

If it's an adult, it's easy.

If I told you to clean up your mess and you refuse, I can just leave. Or resent you in silence. Or plot a revenge behind your back.

With kids? You can't simply leave! Who knows what kind of danger they'll get into if you leave them alone!

And you can't even hate them for their tantrums. They're kids! They don't know how to regulate emotions yet.

See, that's what happened when I was left to babysit my nephew for a day. Just one kid! The kid cried out when their parents left, refusing to follow me. What am I suppose to do?? Pull at him forcefully??

...yeah, I know. I should calm him down, pujuk him.

See? That's where the problem is.

I would myself cry if I start to pujuk him.

You know why?

Because I'd feel helpless.

Because I don't feel loved enough to love back.

I guess that's how those single mothers feel.

Or I guess, I don't have any skills in conflict management.

Everytime there's conflict with people, I clam up.

I thought everyone also feel the same way, but one day I wondered, what if everyone else is actually okay with being scolded at? With being angry with someone?

How, when you are angry at your loved ones, you still can take care of them?

Why? Why I tried to calm the crying kid, I would feel so lonely like I haven't had someone be there for me when I cry?

Wouldn't you cry, if you had so many things to do, yet your child keeps crying and wanting your attention, you feel so frustrated and exhausted that you ended up crying while carrying the child in your arms and still doing whatever chores you needed to do?

Does that mean I'm just so tired of giving the world what it's demanding from me, that I don't have any energy left to deal with a crying kid?

How do I stop being so tired?

Tired...of cooking.

Bismillah.

God...I want a break.

From life.

This recent Raya season was sooo hectic.

At least for me.

I guess because I was feeling responsible.

Like a mother feeling responsible for all the celebration going on in the house.

Well, not all.

Because my mother is already old, and not that well, so I feel like I have to rile up my siblings to help out with house chores.

And all the cooking...phew 😮‍💨

5th of April I was working, and they all went for iftar at the masjid so I didn't cook and ate whatever they brought back from there.

But 6th Apr the sahur morning, I woke up to cook sup sawi even though I was not fasting.

Then 6th April iftar, I cooked sup Thai and my sister cooked tempe goreng with sambal penyet.

That nigh we went around bazar, shopped for some fireworks and my brother's raya clothes.

7th April sahur, apparently they didn't have enough leftover rice to eat because my youngest brother ate them during midnight 😑

Went to Sunday morning market with mom.

7th April iftar, my mom cooked kengsom. My brother complained about eating weird menus 😑 Also, I cleaned the paru my mom bought at pasar pagi, cut my finger with the butcher knife 😖 damn hurt I didn't dare to open the bandage for 2 whole days!

8th April iftar, my mom cooked paru and requested me to cook kabsah rice, since she had the kabsah spice mix she bought from a while ago. At the same time, masjid was inviting people to come iftar there, they were having kabsah rice too, sponsored by some restaurant or catering or something. I had to compete apparently 😂 Even though I've never cooked kabsah before, and near iftar time the rice was almost not fully cooked, but at the end, all was well and no complaints 😌... Mom used a roundabout way to compliment me (while at the same time criticizing me, typical), saying why you're good at cooking but lazy to cook back in KL?

And, again, that older brother of mine, always had things to pick on, said he wanted to eat something he's familiar with. Bro just went blind, ignoring all my sweats and tears cooking for hours in the kitchen 🙄

9th April sahur my mom finally made singgang because that brother requested, and I woke up to cook some veggies, then went back to sleep without eating lol

9th April iftar I cooked mee lidi goreng basah, which that brother of mine complained again (!) saying why is it not the dry version. Like bro, cook yourself la! 😡 Also, I stubbed my big toe while cleaning up the house and moving furniture, it hurt like hell and was bleeding, yet no one knows because I DIDN'T TELL!

And people dare complain so much!!! GRRRRR

Then 10th April, 1st day of Raya we cooked nasi lemak, I got the sambal bilis and sambal sotong ready. My sister dared leaving the nasi uncooked and went to the mosque, like, hey! You left your responsibility to us, when we wanted to go to the mosque too!!! GRRRRR 😡

But, my sambal was so good that my brothers' wives loved it.

11th April 2nd day raya, my mom made laksa. I got so tired of cooking by now, I didn't cook anything except helping mom with cutting veggies and boiling eggs. Balik kampung balik hari, then masak nasi a bit when arrived back home, these people tumpang2 my nasi (like they don't know how to cook it on their own 🙄)

12th April 3rd day Raya, we got guests coming, stopping by our house before entering the highway back to KL. Didn't really cooked, just prepared some nasi himpit, kuah kacang, sate, serunding for them to eat.

13th April, another guest from Pekan came, ManDak. I made mee hoon sup.

14th April, another guest from Pekan, Kamil AcuDin. We made mee curry. Well, my mom made the curry, we prepared whatever else needed.

15th April. Woi, harini aku dah balik KL. Penat gila full week asyik masak aje. Naik fedup pun ada. Nasib baik sebelum balik, adik aku buat kerapu sweet sour. Tu pun aku yang goreng dulu kerapu nya.

Haaa

Nasib semua sedap

Banyak resepi refer Che Nom punya Youtube aje.

Thanks Che Nom <3

I'm too picky.

Bismillah.

So I am choosy.

Always have been, just started noticing it like 10 years ago, when I was trying to pick a backpack to buy. I can still remember my coursemates growing bored, waiting for me to choose what I wanted already. The problem was, I was trying to decide between 2 bags, each had features the other didn't have. 

In the end, I didn't even buy them. 

This trait of mine is even more obvious now that I'm older.

The story was, just today, I was pleasantly surprised to have found a pair of shoes that felt like mine the moment I saw it. 

I guess that's what people call as love at first sight? 

At first I saw it and thought, nice design. Nice colors. Then I tested its flexibility and it passed. Felt the material. Felt nice. The RM50 pricetag, too, was what I wouldn't mind paying. So far everything was perfect. 

Just so you know, this occasion is very rare. I am not one of those people who can straightaway buy a nice blouse or scarf or shoes whenever they see one. 

Now, moment of truth... to ask the retail assistant if my size was available. Usually shoes on sale like this will only have sizes that are either too small or too big. 

Turned out it was available. So she went and brought it to me, I tried it out in front of a mirror, and it felt like... it was mine already. Like I would wear it and use it right there and then. Everything clicks in place. Sure, there are one or two points of discomfort, but nothing untreatable if worn often. Sure, the design means it'll be hard to put on or take off quickly, but hey, it's the kind of design that I like so I'm willing to live with that. 

Well, granted that I've own a similar pair of sneakers a couple of decades back, it was one of my first shoes that I really like and stayed with me for quite a long time. I guess that's how I can recognize what I like, what I wanted in an instant, because I've had good experience in owning one similar to it. 

On the other hand, there's the purse. Actually my purpose of going out was to buy a purse, because my old one was so bad I'd be embarrassed everytime I took it out to pay for something. So I was desperate to have it replaced. 

I've been going almost everywhere, searching high and low for the perfect purse/wallet that would fulfill my very-specific-list of criterion. Yes, I even search at men's section, but their wallet designs are pretty much the same across the brands it's boring 🙄 and men's wallet only have zipper coin slots that is too small. See how specific I am?

The right height, the right thickness, the right material, the right color, the right cost, the right features... I wouldn't even tolerate some extra space or additional slots, because I wanted something simple, practical and minimalist. My old one was of the perfect size, but I can't go buy the same thing anymore because the shop closed down.

In the end, I settled for something that doesn't really 'clicks', but still fulfill some of my needs. I settled for something... less. The coin slot is what I wanted, it's a zipper, though it could be better. The size... eh, slightly bigger, not as tall as I wanted but at least it can still fit my pocket. Barely able to fit all my cards though, hopefully it won't break too soon each time I take out or push those cards back in. The material too is not of my liking, would like for something more sturdy and could withstand scratches. Oh well. But the price was okay, it was around RM50 as well.

You might ask why I didn't just buy online. I wouldn't like that, because I want to feel the material in my hand. I want to see it with my eyes, and compare it physically with my old purse. I want to see how thick it is, and whether it's bulging or not. I don't trust the measurements provided by those online

platforms, even 1cm larger could mean it wouldn't fit in my pocket.

Or maybe I'm too paranoid or exaggerating.

I guess this reflects my online dating attempts. I am really bad at texting, and it doesn't help that those men on there don't even bother writing more info about themselves on their profile. You see, over the internet I can't have a feel of what a person really like. I don't see their body language, I can't hear their tones when speaking, I can't gauge their facial expressions. 

Huh. I guess that's why I hate texting. Because it lacks all these 'sparkles' and 'decorations' that make it interesting. For me, texting is best only for exchanging information. I thought it is well known that more than half of our whole communication is through body language? 

So that's why I probably should take a break from OLD (OnLine Dating). It doesn't suit me. If I want to find a partner, maybe I need to go around finding them like I tried searching for a new wallet. Huh, and in the end, the wallet I got was only decent, but instead I found myself a perfect pair of sneakers.

Then maybe I should go around without the intention to date, because then I won't feel the urge to settle for less, like what happened with my purse hunt.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Unpopular opinion on marriage

Bismillah.

What do I want...honestly.

Right now, there's some sort of love bug going around in our rented house. Suddenly, all of us began seeing someone.

But not all of us ended up successful.

That one housemate I'm rather close with, she met with someone else's husband. That guy told her after a month of them together.

The other housemate, she was okay with that guy, but currently he is jobless. But I guess still okay, since jobs can always be found.

The other housemate...seems to have hope. They are even in talks of marriage already. They like each other, so that's good. They met through Tinder.

Me?

Uhh...

Falaha introduced me to his husband's friend who is still single, same age, studied in UIA as well. A good guy...but I am not convinced.

It's not him...it's me. 

(Lol, typical reason for a breakup)

No, really. I am bored. I want something more. He's a normal guy, perhaps a bit shy, but otherwise nice and normal.

I guess...I am choosy.

Yes, I am. I know myself as not really wanting a lot of stuff, but once I want something, I make sure I get the best for the price I'm willing to pay. I buy something because I really want it, and I know why I bought it.

But this new 'friendship'...I don't know. Do I put in more effort to make it work? Doesn't feel like it's worth it. Do I give up then?

Or maybe...because this is not something I want. That's why I'm acting nonchalantly. But if so...then it's not good for him.

But earlier on, I already told him I don't promise anything from this acquaintance. I don't promise that this would move towards marriage. I said I'm just getting to know people to understand myself better, whether marriage is a thing for me or not.

Truth is...after knowing him, I'm becoming okay with not marrying.

Sure, I would love to have someone who takes care of me, who loves me...but am I ready to take on responsibilities, accept that person's faults and flaws, and serve him for the rest of my life?

Huh...jaga diri sendiri pun dah sedia susah. Apatah lagi jaga orang lain.

Aku rasa macam...apa gunanya kahwin kalau kita (perempuan) dapat susah? Lepas kahwin, perempuan kena kemas rumah, masak, basuh baju, layan laki, hadap perangai insan lain dalam hidup kita, dengar cakap dia, tak boleh lawan arahan suami...dalam masa yang sama juga berkerja, untuk bantu kewangan rumahtangga. Kalau sebelum berkahwin pun kita dah buat semua ni, cuma bezanya hidup single, kita cuma perlu hadap perangai diri sendiri je. Apa benda-benda lain yang kita nak buat, semua tak ada halangan. Tak perlu mintak izin sapa-sapa. Tak perlu risau ambil hati sapa-sapa. 

Aku pikir, apa lelaki boleh bagi aku? Duit? Kalau aku sendiri pun berkerja, apa guna duit yang orang lain bagi? Lelaki boleh bagi anak? Nanti yang kena tanggung bersalin 9 bulan: aku, yang tanggung sakit beranak: aku, yang jaga anak malam-malam, menyusukan anak, jaga anak sampai besar...kerja siapa? Perempuan kan? Kerja lelaki apa? Kerja je. Kalau lelaki nak complain kerja susah, hello, perempuan pun kerja susah jugak. Kenapa perempuan kena tanggung lebih banyak benda dari lelaki?

Ini aku tak paham.

Tak, aku tak cakap aku tak suka perkahwinan. Itu nabi larang. Aku masih open untuk kahwin, kalau jumpa lelaki yang betul-betul aku boleh percaya. Susah nak jumpa. Aku memilih? Yes, biar aku memilih. Sebab sekarang, yang aku nampak macam ni. Secara logiknya, antara hidup single yang ada kebebasan dan tak ada tanggungan, banding dengan hidup berumahtangga yang kau sebagai perempuan kena tanggung semua...baik aku stay single.

Takut dah tua nanti sunyi, tak ada teman? Tak ada anak untuk dijadikan harapan?

Sini aku nak tanya kau. Siapa jamin suami dan anak-anak kau akan kekal dengan kau sampai mati? Kalau diorang mati dulu sebelum kau? Akhirnya kau akan sama macam orang single jugak. Tak ada beza. Siapa yang boleh bantu kau bila dah tua nanti? Aku kurang setuju dengan orang yang nak anak sebab nanti dah tua ada orang jaga. Anak itu bukan pelaburan masa tua kau macam KWSP atau PRS (Private Retirement Scheme). Anak itu dilahirkan, dibesarkan untuk menyiapkan dia menghadapi dunia luar. Anak itu dilahirkan sebagai insan lain yang perlu dilatih untuk mampu berdiri sendiri dalam hidup dia. Kenapa kita nak ikat dia dengan kontrak yang dia perlu jadi orang suruhan kita sebab kita dah jaga dia? Yes, tanggungjawab anak adalah berbakti kepada ibu bapa. Tapi itu tak bermaksud ibu bapa perlu bergantung kepada anak.

Tak setuju? Tak apa. Siapa aku nak membebel pasal anak, sedangkan aku kahwin pun belum.

Hmm.

Yes, mungkin orang cakap cinta dan kasih sayang antara suami isteri tu best. Tapi berbaloi ke dengan kerja-kerja tambahan yang kau dapat lepas kahwin? Adakah dengan kata-kata manis dari laki kau tu dah cukup untuk bayar semua lelah yang kau dapat?

...Mungkin cukup je sebenarnya, ek? Sebab tu lebih ramai orang kahwin berbanding stay single, ek?

Entahlah. Aku...susah nak terima kata-kata manis. Orang cakap terima kasih pun, aku tak reply 'sama-sama'. Aku reply macam ni:

1)

Orang    : Terima kasih.

Aku    : Takde ape lah/ No problem.

Maksud    : Tak susah pun tolong kau. Sebab tu aku tolong. Biasanya sebab orang ni aku sayang betul, or sebab aku nak balas budi, or sebab pertolongan tu memang ringan je.

2)

Orang    : Terima kasih.

Aku    : Okay/Orait.

Maksud    : Apa yang dia mintak tolong tu susah aku nak buat. Tapi aku tolong jugak. So, reply aku pendek je sebab lebih baik kalau dia tak mintak tolong aku.

Reply nombor 2 tu banyak aku guna dalam kerja sekarang. Soalan complicated users bagi, dan bila aku jawab, aku takde rasa gembira pun bila diorang cakap terima kasih. Aku bukannya hadap sangat terima kasih diorang. Lebih baik kalau diorang tak kacau aku dengan soalan-soalan susah tu. Aku perasan, aku bukanlah orang yang perlukan penghargaan sangat. Kalau aku siapkan kerja pun, aku tak mengharap orang perasan dan ucap terima kasih pun. Kerja aku sekarang, bos aku diam relax je takde susah-susah nak puji performance aku pun. Cukup dia bayar gaji aku bulan-bulan dah. Dia tak nak bagi bonus ke, increment ke takpelah, janji dia tak kacau aku dan kerja aku pun tak banyak sampai stress. Cukuplah. Aku bukan mintak perhatian pun. Cukuplah dengan dia layan aku baik, tak menyusahkan hidup aku.

So, berdasarkan apa yang aku tulis at atas, nampaknya aku kena carik lelaki yang layan aku dengan baik, yang tak mengharapkan aku (boleh bawak diri) dan tak menyusahkan hidup aku. Partner ibarat seorang bestfriend dan housemate yang bertanggungjawab. Rumah tu kau duduk jugak kan? Kenapa aku sorang je yang kena kemas semua? Lainlah kalau kau bayar aku untuk buat semua tu.

Kalau macam tu lebih baik hire maid, kau cakap? Tapi kau tak boleh tidur/buat anak dengan maid kau.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

How should I live?

Bismillah.

I need some self reflection.

First, hey, finally.

He's married. 

Good. 

Now to wait for everyone else to do the same.

And for them to forget me.

Uhh somehow I just wanna disappear. Just to avoid expectation.

Second, heh. I'm still here.

Doing the same thing that I said I want to quit every other day. 

The same job. After one year plus.

And why am I still here.

Seems like I'm dreading whatever tasks they want me to do.

Then what do you like to do?

Hell, don't ask me that question, like  I said before (and LOTS of time before), I DON'T KNOW!

Can't you just leave me alone and see what kind of things I would made, what kind of human I would be?

Huh. Self reflection. 

What would I be when I'm 30? 

That is, if I even reach 30.

What do I have? Nothing.

Look at that. You said that, you ungrateful being.

You have a family, a roof above your head, food, money, things...

But why do I feel I own nothing?

But of course I own nothing. All of these, in this world just for play, it's not permanent.

It's Allah's.

...

My mind is full with a lot of things to do, projects to finish, activities to try...I feel like, I don't have enough time to do all this.

I don't have enough time to live the life that I wanted.

How? Anxious, on the verge of losing control.

How should I live then?

To start.

Bismillah.

The first 2 weeks after starting something new is always the hardest.

Yep. Now I'm almost a month into my new job at MoSTI, albeit temporary. Been fighting the urge to rebel and quit the job, but luckily I was reminded by this particular fact. The same thing happened at my previous job too, where I was so stressed out in the first 2 weeks. At the end of it, it didn't feel all that bad after all. Well, that job was also temporary, and the contract period was only for 2 weeks.

Hmm. The job market is looking kinda grim for graduates now, I read about it from the NST (or was it The Star newspaper?).The government doesn't open new permanent positions anymore, instead, they open job vacancies for contract or temporary workers like me. Banks are offering retrenchment, other sectors are expected to follow suit.

I shouldn't complain. At least I'm still getting some money. Well, I'm more looking forward to start my own life intead of leeching off my mother. And for that reason hopefully my financial income could somehow be secured.

Thinking of starting some kind of small business involving food. Hmm. But...

Meh. There will always be reasons not to do it if you think too much about it.

The start is the hardest.

To start.

God. Help.

"If you are thankful, He will surely add more."

(^_^)

Less travelled.

Bismillah.

 Kawan lama. Kita mesti nak tanya khabar, kan?

 Ye, aku paham. Aku tau. Tapi...aku takde apa cerita untuk diceritakan. Itupun, kalau ada orang nak tau la. Haha.

 Aku sihat. Ada kat rumah ni ha. Mak aku sihat. Adik beradik aku sihat. Abang aku kerja, mak aku kerja. Adik aku 2 orang kat UiTM.

 Tapi aku...?

 Dah, dah, jangan tanya. Aku taknak cakap apa-apa.

Nanti tiba masa aku dah bersedia, aku bagitau la apa yang patut. Korang tak yah risau ea.

 #########

Chained.

By your own self.

...

In this situation, nothing feels true.

You begin doubting.

You ask, "Is this really what I'm gonna go through?"

"Won't there be any other route?"

...

Why, but yes there is. It's just that...

...that route is almost unknown to people, such that if you decide to travel on it, you'll be...

...alone. Full of doubts. Uncertainties.

...and loneliness. (I have mentioned that, haven't I?)

Road less travelled.

#########

Out.

Out.

But...

...someone...

...

...alone.

...?

Inside that dark deep well.

Bismillah.

Why?

Why

am I not confident?

No

I don't think that's wrong.

I don't think I'm wrong for not being confident.

Being confident is just...

what the world expects from people, right?

When everyone's doing it, doesn't mean I should do it too.

They keep telling me to be outspoken, confident and friendly with people.

I can do that. I can put a mask in front of others.

But not when they are there specifically to judge me.

And I, figuratively, hand my own neck directly to them.

Suicide. Kamikaze. My mask crumbles. So does my heart. And my confidence.

I don't excel in interviews. 

Unless maybe if I come with the intention to fail in the first place.

Hmm. Haven't tried that one.

---------

Maybe I'm not that scared in front of people.

Maybe...I'm just scared to show my real self in front of them.

That I'm all weak and mushy inside.

That all that smart look, sharp gaze and confident smile are just a facade.

That I'll cry non stop once they ask the trigger question. Basically any question will do.

Why?

.........

I guess

I should be satisfied with failing interviews and Vivas.

When I'm not even officially a master's student yet.

Preparing to fail. What the heck am I doing?

No

but I do not judge my failure as failing to pass their judgement.

Me not satisfying what they want, doesn't mean I'm not good.

I did my work.

Maybe I AM not good enough for them.

But I'm good enough for me.

Like their assessments gonna mean something in my life.

But people's mouth

people all around me would say things.

My SV.

My friends.

My family.

My teachers and lecturers.

The seniors and juniors.

That I've failed their expectations.

But why is it wrong?

Why is it wrong for me to fail?

Kadang-kadang, mulut orang yang mengata tu lagi menyakitkan dari hakikat yang kita failed.

Yes.

Failure by myself is a lot better than failure to meet their expectations.

People.

Humans.

---------

I'm not perfect.

Will never be.

Not even close.

But at least I tried

right?

But still 

it isn't good enough for you.

...

I can't satisfy you

nor everyone

nor anyone else in the world.

Then I guess

I'll live alone

down here

in the dark deep well.

To you, maybe it's pitch black

but to me

you don't know.

It seems like a nice place

albeit lonely

at least it's better than living under constant judgement.

God.

Help me.

Please.

Fear of working

Bismillah.

Dear Allah.

What if I don't wanna work?

...

People all around me saying no...you can't do that...it's bad for you...

Yeah, I know. I hate myself for it. But still, I want the same thing. I don't wanna work.

Then what do I want to do?

...

I don't know.

I'm happy with what I'm doing right now. Currently, I'm writing on a project, now it's reaching 70k words. I know, it's not much. Heck, I know, I'm a fuuing amateur, noob, beginner...call on me whatever you want. But I love it.

I love what I do. I love writing. Heck, even though people may dislike it. Maybe what I wrote doesn't make sense. But I like it. Even if sometimes I face writer's block. Even if sometimes I feel down because my story isn't like other box office pecah panggung story. Even if my characters aren't likable. But I stupidly fall for them. I feel for them.

...

Is it wrong?

Is it wrong for me to at least have something that I like to do?

Heck, I don't think I can like doing something this long. I maybe have interests in a lot other things, but mostly those interests just fade over time.

But writing remains.

So what if I like to write?

Let me blame my past. I took a fuuing Math course even though I like writing. You know what, I listed English as a first choice when filling up the form to apply for university, but my mom then told me to change it to Physical Sciences instead.

Heh.

I don't blame my mom. If I want to blame someone, it's most probably be myself. Maybe I'm not stong enough with my conviction. I didn't tell my mom about my interest. I'd just listen to whatever she said like a good daughter I am.

Hell, a good daughter? Now that I'm not working and fuuing lazying around the house doing fuuing nothing...I know. She probably despises me. Fuu.

Children don't know their parents' feelings, huh? Don't think that the children don't feel hurt by not knowing your feelings.

Fuu. Whatever.

I love to write. So what. That doesn't change ANYTHING.

 I need to move out. Rent a room, make the room absolutely mine. Fill it with a drum set, drawing tutorials and art supplies, access to internet for me to learn drumming, drawing and Japanese...writing as a hobby...

But first I'd need to get a job. Just being a cleaner is enough. Provided I don't have to drive to work. Even better if I could walk to my work place. But as a woman it might be hard. Fuu.

Ughhh. Even applying for a cleaner job is fuuing frightening? Why???

I'm afraid of getting rejected.

Getting rejected outside and even inside the house...somehow makes you feel like you could slice a knife on your arm, right? Then you watch that red blood flows freely down your white skin...it almost tempts you to lick it.

You'd feel happy.

Because at least with that cut you can finally express the pain inside. The pain is physicalize, if that's even a word. And a physical pain is something others would worry about. They don't know anything about the pain inside. They can't see it.

They can't fuuing see it.

But what's the need for that, right? Why would they need to see the pain inside? Would they care? Yeah, I know, I absolutely know that they have pains inside, too. So why would they care? They have their own problems they need to solve. Why would they care about others?

Fuu.

I wish I could crumple this stupid fear I'm feeling, crush it down under my feet and stomp on it like a crazy butch. Then I'd stomp out, go apply for that cleaner job and fuu them if they still reject me.

Then I'd quietly slice my arm inside the toilet and let the blood flow with a snicker on my lips.

...

God.

God.

God.

Oh Allah.

I don't know.

I don't know a thing.

You know everything.

God.

I don't even know what should I ask from You.

Lemme just...

Lemme just ask for Your help.

Is that okay?

I...

I don't know.

I'm just a fuuing stupid human being who isn't appreciated.

Heck, maybe there's even not a thing in me that could be appreciated.

...karappo.

Free.

Dear Allah,

What is this feeling? Why am I so afraid of the outside world? Why am I afraid to go out? Why am I afraid to challenge myself?

I know, I need to do this. I need to go out. I need to be able to know that I can do it.

But what can I do?

Can I do it?

Will I be able to do it?

...No. It was the matter of whether I want to do it or not.

Dear Allah.

Dear Allah.

What should I do?

What do I want to do?

I want to go out. I want to be allowed to go out. I...

...I don't feel free.

Dear Allah.

Please, help me.

Help me take that leap. Just one small leap.

Please dear Allah. I...I want to practice going out, and survive on my own.

The unknown future.

Bismillah.

So what's your plan for the future?

This is the question for you, and for my own self.

The hell. I don't know the answer. I mean, I do have plans, but they are just what they are. Just...plain plans. Not yet hatched into real actions.

And I'm not too eager to face them. It doesn't seem so bright and sunny to me.

Other people can say, hey you got a brilliant mind, you surely will succeed in life. But reality *is* harsh.

Huh, seems like I'm giving excuses from striving to lead my own future.

Yes, my dreams for the future are different from what my mother envisions. And that makes me confuse. Should I continue with my plans, or should I follow what my mom says?

Huh. And people said "Discuss!"

...

You know what, I'm not gonna say anything.

+++

I wanna go travel to another country, especially Japan. I wanna learn more on different cultures, take what's good from them and widen my own views on the world.

I wanna learn more. I wanna study more. I feel like I wanna study my whole life. But the problem is, that kind of reason is not enough to be given to scholarship interviewers.

I wanna work overseas, leave the comfort of my own country and challenge myself. I wanna work with freedom, I wanna discover something new, create, make, innovate. Sounds like scientists and researchers.

Huh. Sounds stupid.

You know what? It doesn't matter.

Even though I don't want to say this, but...lemme just...

Whatever.

Post membosankan. Tak perlu baca.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Apa kaba diri sendiri? Hehe lama tak borak. Ko tengah buat apa sekarang? Haha kompem-kompem la tengah tulis blog ni kan.

Huhu pathetic. Cakap ngan diri sendiri, macam takde orang lain dah exist kat dunia ni.

Oh well, tak salah. Pedulikkan je.

Hmm. Coming back to reality isn’t easy, for a person who always spends time in the world of fantasy like me. Yeah.

Argh, me boring, me boring, me boring. And that leads to space traveling to another world, meet people who don’t even existed, talk to them, be friend with them, and make them fall in love with me like me.

Caius, Thanos, Oswald, Rune, Varian, Zareth bla, bla, bla…

In the end, aku jugak yang stupid.

Argh. *grabs a rope and ties it around myself*

Pull! PULL!!

Argh, I can’t do it by myself. Lend me a hand, please?

Pull! PULL!!

Argh, this is hopeless. I have to stop this!

God, help me!

Make me calm down!

Find my Naqi!

…

Of Maher Zain, mom, and banana

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Study, sambil dengar lagu. Tiba-tiba termasuk lagu Maher Zain dalam playlist. Dengar la lagu Subhanallah, Always Be There, etc. etc.

Teringat segala-galanya yang berlaku time Maher Zain ni feymes dulu. Haha. Maksud aku bukan apa yang berlaku pada Maher Zain, tapi apa yang berlaku pada aku.

I joined a club once. Club ni banyak berkait dengan lagu-lagu Maher Zain. Boleh kata kenangan kelab ni banyak tersulam dengan lagu-lagu mamat omputih ni. Ada event pape je, pasang lagu ni. Lagu-lagu Maher Zain lah yang meneman kami membuat kerja bersama-sama.

Suddenly, Maher Zain buat aku terkenang-kenang.

Sakit kan, bila terkenang kenangan ni? Just because now, we are no longer together. The club no longer exist. What exist, is only the memories. And the people who share the same memories.

Yes, some might say, kita boleh je jumpa balik, buat reunion, ulang balik kenangan-kenangan tu. Yes, we can. But it won't be the same as before, takkan sama macam dulu. Ada something yang kurang. Ada something yang tak ada, yang tak sama macam dulu.

Apa dia?

Reason. Reason why we stay together.

Dulu, kita berkongsi satu organisasi yang sama. That's why we are together. We faced hardship together, we get scolded together, and yet we share happiness together.

But now? Why we are still together? Because we share the same memories?

Uh-oh, not quite a strong reason to satisfy me. So then, answer this question for me:

Do we still face hardship together?
Do we still get scolded together?
Do we still do works together?

We have our own life now, right? We have less things to be shared, except smiles and memories. A sad fact, indeed.

No wait. I forgot one point. We recognize each other. That makes us bound to stay as friends. Less things to be shared, doesn't mean you are no longer my friend. We are still friends, right? Even though I'm no longer by your side to face hardship and get scolded together, what's important is, I've met and knew you once.

Aku, pernah kenal kau, dan kau pernah bantu aku hadapi kesusahan bersama.

Walaupun aku hilang ingatan, dan kau juga hilang ingatan, membuat aku tak kenal kau, dan kau tak kenal aku,  tapi sejarah kita pernah bersama takkan pernah terpadam dari pahatan masa.

(poyo ayat bajek tau sastera)


Anyway, thanks for the memories.
(takde kaitan dengan Sophie Kinsella)


***
Mom called. She told me to come back home on 25 Feb or 4 Mac, sebab dia nak pergi KL, ada kursus.

Time dia call, aku cakap ok je, kalau umi suruh balik, boleh je balik. Setakat ni tak ada apa-apa lagi tarikh tu.

But then, the same day, I went to my study circle. And guess what? There's a mass lecture on 25 Feb, Jenazah Management Course on 26 Feb, and another mass lecture on 4 Mac. And Wan ajak aku gi Gombak, ada Ummatic Week yang nampak cam meriah kat sana.

Oh well. Really. Aku semangat nak balik rumah, untuk tolong cover tempat mak aku kat rumah. But at the same time, aku memang budak skema yang suka ikut peraturan. I *think* I should go to the mass lectures and the Jenazah Management Course, right? Oh well, attendance will be taken as marks for Study Circle II.

Haha. Syurga bawah tapak kaki ibu.

Takpe. For you, mom.

Skip je. ;)

***
Sometimes, it does makes me feel sad.

Bila aku ada sesuatu yang orang di sekeliling aku takde. Dan orang di sekeliling aku tu ialah orang-orang yang rapat dengan aku. Buat aku rasa serba salah, sebab aku ada benda tu, dan diorang tak ada.

And what makes me feel even worse, aku tak tau kenapa Tuhan bagi aku benda yang orang lain takde tu.

Ya salam...mungkin kedengaran seperti tak bersyukur, tapi I try, I try to be thankful. I know, setiap benda ada hikmahnya. I put my bet on that.

Hmm. Saya nak tanya lah anda. Kenapa anda mahukan benda yang saya ada, tapi anda takde tu?

Ok lah nak bagi clear, contoh la nama benda tu pisang. Tak semestinya anda nak pisang yang ada pada saya, yang penting, anda nak ada pisang.

Sedapnye makan pisang...nyum, nyum

Mungkin, anda nak pisang tu, sebab anda nak jual pisang tu. Supaya anda boleh dapat duit untung, untuk sara diri dan masa hadapan.

Atau mungkin, anda nak ada pisang, untuk menunjukkan bahawa anda mampu memiliki pisang itu. Menunjukkan bahawa anda lebih baik dari orang lain. Atau pun, untuk membuktikan bahawa diri anda ni berkebolehan. Supaya anda boleh merasa bahagia dengan keberkebolehan anda itu. (but then, what?)

Saya?

Saya tak tau kenapa Tuhan bagi saya pisang tu. Yang saya tahu, mak saya nak pisang tu. Dan saya sentiasa doa pada Tuhan, supaya Tuhan bantu saya bahagiakan mak saya.

Owh, now I see. Tuhan bagi saya pisang supaya mak saya bahagia. Biarpun pisang tu tak begitu penting pun untuk saya.

At certain times, when my mom doesn't show that she needs the banana, I suddenly feel lost of purpose of having the banana. Membuatkan aku terfikir, what will happen kalau aku tak ada pisang tu? Hinggakan up to extend that I wish I could feel macamana bila aku tak memiliki pisang tu.(astaghfirullahalaziim) Aku akan sama macam orang-orang di sekeliling aku. Aku akan dapat merasa kesedihan diorang kerana tidak dapat pisang tu. Baru aku akan sedar kepentingan pisang tu. Or really, the banana is really that important?

Anyway, for you guys yang tak ada pisang tu, ketahuilah. Ada sesuatu yang hati kecil aku kagum dengan korang. You guys know how it feels to work hard to get that banana. You guys got that experience, and that experience is very valuable. Because when you finally got the banana, you will feel the glory. Korang akan rasa puas. Dan aku masih di sini, still wondering, and still to get the banana for my mom.

Don't worry guys, don't be sad. Although you don't get the banana, you still get something else, which is also (I think) in the same value as the banana. Cuma nilai je berbeza. Macam duit RM10 kaler merah tu, dengan sebuah buku yang berharga RM10. Harga yang sama, dalam bentuk yang berbeza.

Enjoy.

Berangan itu best

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Hmmm.....?

Pernah tak korang rasa...erm...


Macam korang perlukan seseorang untuk ada disamping korang?

Somehow, you just need that special someone to be by your side, whenever you fall, he or she will catch you and save you.
Oh ya kat sini maksud aku yang berlainan gender ye. Yang sama gender lain cerita.

Oh shoot. Ni semua kerja Korean drama ni. Bukan Korean drama je, Japanese drama, Malay drama, English drama, Mexican etc...etc...

Shoot. Somehow somewhere in the drama mesti ada babak where the hero/heroin is having a bad time, he/she almost break down, almost give up, already on their knees ready to let go all they ever have in their life....then suddenly the magic comes.

(dengan penuh berseri-seri, berkilau-kilau, suddenly it feels like the time has stopped)

He/she comes by your side, with a smile on his/her face. Dia hulur tangan, then he/she says.
 
"Hey, don't worry. I'm always here for you."

Oh so sweet. Siapa-siapa yang pernah tengok drama, tak kira la drama apa-apa pun, especially yang suka baca novel, mesti pernah berangan pasal babak ni kan? Ahah.

Pastu ada lagi satu babak ni. Whenever you are doing something, eating with your friends or something, then you laugh or smile happily, there's always that someone who is watching you and feels happy too, because he/she sees your smile. Your smile makes his/her day. Pastu that someone says in heart, "Wow, he/she is so beautiful. I feel so happy when I see him/her around." You maybe don't even know that he/she exists, but yeah, mesti pernah je korang berangan macamni kan?

Aww, romanticism. Shoot. Suddenly it all feels so useless. Ye lah, sebab berangan je. Ape guna berangan je, bukan bagi benefits apa-apa pun. Baik la aku pergi study KOS ke apa. Dah la esok exam ni.

Tapi tak dinafikan, aku juga pernah macam tu. Dan aku yakin, korang juga pernah macam tu. Kan, kan, kan? Haha. Kita semua manusia. Sama je. Shoot. Somehow malu pulak aku rasa. Huh. Ala rileks la kan. Standard la, kita masih dalam proses untuk matang. Aku juga manusia, seganas-ganas aku yang tak nampak macam layan jiwang ni kan. Haha.

Oh well. Berangan berangan jugak. Tapi aku tak berhenti takat berangan je. Angan-angan tu semua tidak ku anggap sebagai angan-angan, tetapi aku realisasikannya menjadi cerita. Angan-angan itu sebagai idea. Dan aku akan fikirkan idea-idea tu, gabungkan mereka, jadikan mereka lebih drastik,create watak, bagi nama, tambah drama sikit, bayangkan plot, latar tempat, latar masa, nilai tambah etc. etc....dan walla! jadilah satu cerita yang best. Cerita tu untuk aku baca je la.Kreatif what? Hehe. Ye tak? Sekurang-kurangnya boleh la jugak mengasah otak kanan kita ni. Ye lah, mana taknya, ambik course Mathematics, asyik guna otak kiri je. Kena seimbangkan jugak penggunaan otak ni. Heh.

Angan-angan to be made as stories. Hmmm, sounds quite interesting. Takde lah panggil 'angan-angan' dah lepas ni ye. Panggil idea. ;)

Betol ke tipu?

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Huh. Habis aku baca sume cerpen Hilal Asyraf. 'Cerpen' ye, bukan novel. Dan cerpen2 yg aku habiskan tu dlm website dia je, tak trmasuk buku2 dia lagi. Huhu.

Ntah. Bila baca cerpen2 dia, rasa macam menipu pon ade. Btol ke wujud org yg macam dia ceritakan tu? Aku tak pernah jumpa pon?

Haha. Tak pernah jumpa tak bermakna tak wujud kan.

Tapi memang, susah nak percaya bnda yg kita tak pernah nmpak. Macam bila aku bgtau korang, kat Kuantan pon ada Waterpark. Mesti korg tanya aku balik, "Ye ke? Btol ke? Bleh caye ke?"
Tapi bg sape2 yg dah pernah pgi, atau sekadar tgok iklan tepi jalan (macam aku), senang sket korg nak pcaya, kan?

Hurm, btul ke wujudnye org2 mcm dlm cerita dia tu?

Haha, name pon cerpen. Cerita. Sekadar cerita.

Tapi biasanya cerpen ni ialah perasaan sebenar penulis. Well, most of the time.

Klu btul org2 dlm cerpen tu wujud, kenapa aku tak pernah jumpa?

Haha, aku tau kenapa. Sebab ko kurang minat bersosial.

Hurm, bila pikir2 balik, btul jugak. Aku tak bleh nak handle kawan ramai2 sgt. Aku takut nnti kawan2 aku sume akan berharap pada aku.

Hurm, aku lebih suka klu sesorg tu berdikari, tak mngharapkan org lain utk sentiasa ada disamping dia.

Ya, tapi aku juga tau, setiap manusia itu berbeza. Klu tak, apa guna Tuhan cipta manusia yg ramai2 mcm ni mmbnjiri dunia? Itu tandanya manusia perlukan satu sama lain.

Ah, tapi aku masih susah nak percaya.

Aku tak percaya wujudnya manusia yg betul2 sayang aku lebih dari dia sayang diri sendiri.

Terkejut dgn statement aku? Haha, aku dah agak. Tapi jgn terkejut sgt, bukannye aku kata aku tak perlukan kawan.

Aduh, kenapa aku rasa bodoh je cakap pasal bnda ni? Huh.

Ntahla.

Ntahla.

Tipulah, saudara Hilal Asyraf. (haha, beranila aku nak cakap mcm ni depan dia)

Tak, kawan2. Hilal Asyraf tak tipu pun. InsyaAllah, mmg benar wujud insan2 yg mnyayangi org lain lebih dri diri sendiri. InsyaAllah, wujud insan yg benar2 mnyayangi anda, anda jgn putus harapan. (tolong bgtau bnda ni kat diri sndri ye, wahai penulis blog. Suruh org buat, pandai)

Dan kepada yg dah jumpa tu, tahniah,tahniah dan thniah saya ucapkan. Alhamdulillah, anda dah jumpa sesuatu yg berharga. kerana anda dah jumpa sesuatu yg saya masih belum jumpa.

Saya?

Ntahla.

Ntahla.

Tak mampu nak berharap akn berjumpa org macam tu. Sebab takut aku yg tak bleh nak handle kasih sayang dia yg 'bnyak' tu. Haha.

Eh, betul pe. Kadang2 aku tak tahan gak org dok rapat mcmtu skali. Rimas. Aku ialah seorg yg amat mmentingkan masa bersendirian. Dan aku kurang selesa bila org tu terpaksa berkorban sesuatu utk mmbntu aku. Contoh, aku nak gi bndar. Dia terpaksa korbankan masa dia utk basuh baju, semata2 nak teman aku gi bndar.

Bagi aku, klu korg taknak rasa susah kawan ngn aku, takpe. Aku bleh pegi sndri, no problem.

"Tak, tak susah pun la. Nama pun kawan, kena la tolong ko."

Ape tak susah? Aku pon kawan ko! Aku pun nak tolong ko! Aku tolong ko dgn bagi ko masa terluang utk basuh baju, tak perlu susah2 teman aku gi bndar klu ko perlukan masa utk basuh baju. Say NO to me, my friends! Huhu.

Kenapa la korg ni baik sangat? Sanggup susah utk aku? Padahal aku tak mintak pun?(klu aku nak, jgn risau, aku akan mintak tolong korg)

Aduh....kawan2 aku ni baik sangat la. (baik pun SALAH ke??)

Ha'ah, salah. Sebab aku tak bersikap adil kat diorg. Sebab aku tak cukup tolong diorg. Jadi diorg pun kena la balas balik kat aku. Tak perlu tolong aku bnyak2 sangat.

Aduh...kawan2 aku baik sangat la.

Aku...... rasa mcm tgah berhutang, tau tak. Dan aku tak suka berhutang smpai mati. Korang buat baik kat aku tak henti2. Sampai aku rasa, klu mcmni smpai mati pun aku takleh byar balik kebaikan korang!

Korang, sekali-sekala buat la jahat sket ngn aku

Blogs

Bismillahirahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
Kawan2 saya tengah semangat buat blog. Yelah, nanti nak masuk klas KOS 1110 kene buat blog.

Tengok2 diorg buat. seronok pulak. Teringat time zaman muda2 dulu.(cewah bajek dah tua. Aku dah '20'~)

Hmmm...terfikir balik. Kenapa aku buat blog ni yep?

Kak Syera tanya, "Datang drpd mana nama 'But The Question Is' ni?"

Aku pikir balik, bru ingat.

Aku buat blog ni zaman lepas SPM dulu. Time tu, ntah kenapa, dalam pale otak ni, penuh ngan soalan! Macam2, yang pelik2, yg aku tak pernah terfikir sebelum ni.

Contoh2 soalan yg aku terfikir ialah: Macamana nak define 'baik' dan 'buruk', sampai tahap mana baru kita boleh cakap org ni baik atau jahat...macam pikir benda2 abstrak la gitu. Huhu.

Pening gak la otak aku time tu. Siyes pening.

Maka tercipta lah blog yg bernama "But The Question Is" ni....


Hehehe. Member2 aku kat sini buat blog sebab amik subjek komputer. Korang pulak? Macamana? ;)

Kematian

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Hari mendung. Macam nak hujan.

Teringat pada SMS yg baru dapat time sahur pg tadi.
*************

Diorg excident.

Hmmm. Teruk jugak dengarnya.

Updates: Patah kaki. Masuk ICU. Guna ventilator. Ustaz dah ajar mengucap dah.

Ya Allah.

Terus tringat pada kematian.

******************

Saya nak tanya, apa pandangan korang trhadap perkara yg disebut sbgai 'kematian'?
Maut?
Ajal?

Adakah mati itu menakutkan?

Atau sesuatu yg dinanti-nanti?

Adakah mati itu menyedihkan?

Mati itu sesuatu yg solemn, somber and sorrow?

How do you perceive death?

Mungkin ada org yg tak nak fikir lagi pasal mati. Katanya, selagi kita hidup, kita hidup dan jalani hidup kita. Bila dah mati, matilah. Ada juga yg takut, even nak fikir pasal mati pon takut. Katanya, aish, aku masih muda, bnyak lagi perkara yg aku nak buat atas dunia ni. Ada juga yg taknak fikir pasal mati, katanya, taknaklah, nanti rosak mood aku, dprd tgah hepi2 tetiba jadi sedih plak. Bergantung pada diri masing2.

Tapi mungkin juga ada yg ternanti2 nak mati. Katanya, hidup kat dunia ni membosankan. Ada juga yg teringin nak bunuh diri, katanya hidup di dunia terlalu depressing, hopeless, takde sapa sayang aku, jadi apa guna aku hidup? Astaghfirullah. Tapi mungkin ada juga yg ingin mati, katanya aku ingin mati syahid di medan perang mempertahankan agama. Nanti boleh terus masuk syurga. Alhamdulillah.

Sebelum anda menjawab dgn pandangan masing2, biar saya nyatakan satu perkara.

Pandangan kita semua berbeza. Jadi jangan menolak mana2 pandangan yg berlawanan dgn pandangan anda.
Ya, mungkin pandangan masing2 berbeza dan kadang2 nmpak susah utk diterima, tapi itu cara dia pandang perkara tersebut. Dan pandangan anda juga mungkin akan berubah, setelah mendapat tahu pandangan org lain.

Berbalik tentang mati.

Saya pernah tanya seorg kawan, setelah saya mendapat berita bhwa dia mnghidap satu penyakit. Saya jadi risau, tak senang. Saya tak pasti tntang ape yg saya rasa sebenarnya. Saya cuba dapatkan jawapan.

Saya tanya dia, "Adakah mati itu menakutkan?"

Dia jawab, "Menakutkan, dari dua segi. Takut kerana dosa kita masih bnyak, atau takut kita masih belum cukup beribadah kpd Allah."

Jawapan yg bernas. Dia berani mnjawab soalan pasal kematian. Mungkin juga menunjukkan dia sudah bersedia utk mati.

Mungkin cara saya tnya soalan tu mcm too direct and agak mengejutkan, tapi sebenarnya saya cuma ingin tahu pendapat org lain.

Bagi saya, kematian itu memang sesuatu yg pasti. Kita memang sedang menunggu untuk mati. Bahkan kita semua akan mati. Bukan sekadar org yg beru lepas excident, bukan sekadar org yg punya penyakit kritikal.

Saya akan mati.

Saya akan mati.

Dan bagi saya, mati itu patut diterima. Biarpun kita takut, kerana kita masih belum cukup beribadah, belum cukup bersih utk bertemu Cinta hati kita.

Dan mati itu patut dibincangkan dgn rasa penerimaan bhwa kita akan mati.

Saya teringin utk berborak dgn rakan2 saya tntang mati.

".....mati tu, mcmana ek?"

"Takut tak nak mati?"

"Macamana lah kita mati nnti ek?"

Saya mahu mati dgn kebaikan. Jadi sbb tu saya doa selalu:
Allahummakhtimlana bi husnil khatimah, wala takhtim 'alaina bi suu'il khatimah.

Bestnye mati, dapat jumpa Tuhan yg kita sayang. Tapi kita masih belum sedia, sebab kita masih belum cukup beribadah.

Kita nak sangat jumpa Tuhan kita, tapi diri kita belum perfect.

Diri saya belum cukup baik. Mahukah Tuhan menerima saya?

Saya rindu Tuhan saya.

************

Apapun, kematian mmg mnyakitkan. Nabi sndiri bersabda sedang dia mnghadapi sakaratul maut. Aduh sakitnya sakaratul maut ini. Klu bleh nabi nak ambil semua sakaratul maut kita, bagi pada dia. Macamtu lah sayangnya nabi pada kita.

Sakaratul maut itu menakutkan.

Jadi bukanlah mati yg menakutkan, tpi sakaratul maut itu?

Mungkin.

Ya Allah, ringankanlah sakaratul maut kami, dan jauhilah kami dari azab kubur. Sesungguhnya pada Engkau sajalah tempat kami mengadu dan memohon.

Tapi saya suka satu kata2 Saidina Ali.: "Selagi belum ajalku, selagi itu tiada siapa boleh membunuhku. Apabila datangnya ajalku, tiada siapa boleh mnyelamatkan aku."

Mmg betul pun kata2 tu. Ajal maut itu di tgn Allah.

Jadi bila mndengar kes2 excident macam ni, ustazah saya ajar suruh doa macam ni:

"Ya Allah, jika kematian itu baik utknya dan kenalannya, maka berikanlah kematian utk nya. Tapi jika kehidupan itu lebih baik utknya, maka Kau sembuhkanlah dia Ya Allah. Sesungguhnya Kau yg Maha Mengetahui segala yg baik dan buruk. Tapi ketahuilah yg kami sayangkannya dan kami memohon kepadaMu, Kau sembuhkanlah dia. Ameeen."

**********

Langit yg mendung tadi beransur cerah. Mungkinkah ianya mmbawa berita gembira?

Wallahua'lam.

Ada orang lagi better dari kamu

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Pernah tak kamu rasa macam tak best je bila ada org better drpd kamu?

Pernah kan...sebab kamu juga manusia. Sama macam saya.

Saya juga pernah rasa.

Saya tau, perasaan hasad dengki mmg tak baik.

Tapi saya bukan hasad dengki, smpai nak mintak nasib malang menimpa dkat org tu.

Saya cuma geram, kenapa saya juga tak boleh jadi better macam dia?

Kenapa, saya masih belum perfect?

Ha'ah, mmg saya belum perfect. Kamu juga bukan perfect.

Maksudnya org yg better drpd saya tu juga bukan perfect. Btul kan?


Saya percaya, bila dia better drpd saya dlm akademik, mesti ada sesuatu yg saya lagi better drpd dia di segi lain.

Mungkin saya lagi better drpd dia dr segi....erm....

Ermm.....

Errr....

.......

Saya tak tahu apa kelebihan saya.

Dia anak org kaya. Ayahnya professor. Dia ada kereta. Dia menang pertandingan pringkat kebangsaan.

Saya?

Saya tau, semangat competition dlm diri saya agak kuat. Sebab tu saya rase tak senang tgok org lagi better drpd saya. Saya rasa mcm nak compete je dgn dia.

Tapi sekali sekala, ada jugak rasa down.

Sebab dia budak bijak. Dan saya akan selalu jadi kurang bijak berbanding dia.

Sapa nak bagi balik semangat utk belajar pada saya...? (T_T)


Saya tahu.

Tuhan saya. Allah Maha Penyayang.

Dia yang memberi ujian kepada saya.
Dia juga akan menggembirakan saya.

Kan? =)

Jadi,

wahai Tuhanku, aku hanyalah hambaMu. Segala ketentuan Mu akan ku terima. Cuma, bantulah aku menghadapinya. Kerana aku hanya ada Kamu di sisi ku. Dan Engkau yang Maha Berkuasa.Amin.

"Inna akramakum 'indallahi atqakum."

Tapi diri ini juga tak tahu, sama ada diri ini sudah cukup bertaqwa atau tidak....

Why do we trust our friends?

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Just wanna show you this.

Notice Sasuke's (the one below) reaction? He looked like he's in disbelief.

He actually couldn't believe that Naruto (the upper one) would say that, although Sasuke was going to kill him and the whole village soon.

You see, Sasuke is the bad guy and Naruto is the good guy. But Naruto and Sasuke are good friends. In fact, Sasuke's the only person that Naruto has is his world. So thus Sasuke. But Sasuke's hatred has swolen up as time passed. With his whole family killed, based on a cruel reason that is to protect the village, he himself turned to be the greatest enemy of his own village. And Naruto, whose ambition is to be the greatest head of the village, or the so-called Hokage, the greatest shinobi/ninja in his village, would have to make a heartbreaking decision, that is to kill Sasuke.

But as the love towards Sasuke is too strong, as a friend, Naruto had finally decided. In the battle between him and Sasuke, he would make sure that both of them would be killed.

But here, actually I would be very lucky to be Sasuke. I mean, isn't he lucky enough to have such a loyal friend? And I know the fact that men's friendship would amaze a woman. I wouldn't say that women make less strong friendship, but just admit it that guys do it better. And I also admit that I am very amazed with this, as I never, in my life, experience such a priceless friendship, the one that has no blood ties, but even stronger. With no other bond between the two people except 'friendship'.

This really amazed me.

What is the feeling that allow humans to go to the extend that trusting people who is not your family members?
Well I agree that not all family members are good and can be trusted, but well, they are our family though.

Why would humans do this to a person, before, a stranger to us? Why do we trust our friends?

*Btw, to all my friends out there, please know and be sure that you would always be my friends. And you are all my Narutos, because I am Uchiha Sasuke ;) {Sasuke is so cool~ =P}

Them

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Hmmm.
Sejak kebelakangan ni, hidup aku dikelilingi oleh mereka.

Hmmm. Sejak dr CFS IIUM lagi sbnarnya.
Aku tak tau la. Nak kata tak selesa, tak jugak.
Mula2 tu takut la jugak, rasa macam kena kejar.
Rasa macam ade orang yg sentiasa mengekori kita.
Membuatkan kita rasa mcm nak lari mnyembunyikan diri je.
Tapi lama2 dah reda sikit.
Lega la sikit, walaupun aku mnyedari hakikat yg mereka masih ada disekellilingku.
Sekurang-kurangnya kejar mngejar dah takde.

But then, I had come to a situation where I had to attend one of their programmes.
Not really that way, but sort of.
I knew that I was gonna freak out.
Nothing did happen, but I was afraid of them.
Basically afraid that they will find my weaknesses, attack me
tell me why I'm not good enough
and use my weaknesses to show why I should join
I don't wanna feel betrayed
And I don't wanna blame them

And after I attended the programme, that someone did contacted me.
But I was not quite serious about it
because again, I feel like I was being chased.
So I tend to run away by giving excuses.

I don't know.
They are not bad people, they are good, quite good actually.
But I don't know why I don't feel like joining them.
Yes, I know why.
Because I'm afraid.
Afraid of what? you might ask.
I know. But I won't tell you.

And now, my life at home
As I'm taking classes for my driving license
My teacher is them
In fact, most of his family members do. He tells me about it.
But I'm fine with it.
Because they are good people.
They go to the mosque often.
They are good people.

Starting from my life in CFS until now,
I was introduced to meet them
My life is amongst them
Well, I know my father too, but he's not too active
Yes I know they're good
And that's good for me
For I'm befriended with good people

I guess it was destined for me.
And it is not impossible that I might actually join them one day.
Besides, it's a good thing, remember? ;)