Kid crying? I'm crying too.

Bismillah.

I realize I can't hang around kids.

No, I don't hate kids, I like playing with them.

But to be around them 24 hours daily...I don't think I can do it.

I would get sooo anxious and drained and jittery from being needed all the time.

And I would break down.

And I would pull away and closed my doors.

It has happened.

Kids, you can't reason with them. Nor can you just leave them to do whatever they want. They need supervision.

See, I'll get especially anxious if I'm with a kid who refuses to do what I need them to do.

If it's an adult, it's easy.

If I told you to clean up your mess and you refuse, I can just leave. Or resent you in silence. Or plot a revenge behind your back.

With kids? You can't simply leave! Who knows what kind of danger they'll get into if you leave them alone!

And you can't even hate them for their tantrums. They're kids! They don't know how to regulate emotions yet.

See, that's what happened when I was left to babysit my nephew for a day. Just one kid! The kid cried out when their parents left, refusing to follow me. What am I suppose to do?? Pull at him forcefully??

...yeah, I know. I should calm him down, pujuk him.

See? That's where the problem is.

I would myself cry if I start to pujuk him.

You know why?

Because I'd feel helpless.

Because I don't feel loved enough to love back.

I guess that's how those single mothers feel.

Or I guess, I don't have any skills in conflict management.

Everytime there's conflict with people, I clam up.

I thought everyone also feel the same way, but one day I wondered, what if everyone else is actually okay with being scolded at? With being angry with someone?

How, when you are angry at your loved ones, you still can take care of them?

Why? Why I tried to calm the crying kid, I would feel so lonely like I haven't had someone be there for me when I cry?

Wouldn't you cry, if you had so many things to do, yet your child keeps crying and wanting your attention, you feel so frustrated and exhausted that you ended up crying while carrying the child in your arms and still doing whatever chores you needed to do?

Does that mean I'm just so tired of giving the world what it's demanding from me, that I don't have any energy left to deal with a crying kid?

How do I stop being so tired?