Phew.
I just recovered from dengue.
And I didn't even tell my family about it.
Got a high fever on Sunday, 16 Aug. Got back from grocery shopping from the mall right in front of the house, when suddenly felt weak and hot all over, for no reason.
Slept and rest, Monday WFH day also slept and rest, not much work. Then Tuesday was potluck day at the office, had to come no matter what. Even made some mix veggies using air fryer and brought it in.
Thank God those kids knew to set up tables even without me.
Boss kept asking why I was wearing double layer with sweater on, so I said I got fever. Head still dizzy, couldn't even eat most of the potluck food. A lot of them kept telling me to go back home and go to clinic.
Sad. Couldn't even eat most of the potluck food 🥲
Went home, stopped by clinic. Turned out what? Did blood test and doctor said I got dengue! 😵💫 He even did ultrasound just to make sure my organs weren't affected. Gave me referral letter and suggested to get admitted to hospital, or if not, tomorrow I should come again for another blood test and checkup.
At that time it still felt like okay, I can still hold on.
But nope. Next day Wednesday came, prepared my bag and stuff, asked my housemate (WFH) to help send me to hospital (I gave her my car key). Yeah, I surrendered. I definitely couldn't go to do blood test at the clinic on my own. Might as well surrendered and let hospital handles my daily blood check and my hydration.
So, yeah, got the IV drip and all, multiple blood test daily. First time admitted to hospital, first time IV drip as well.
Didn't even tell family. Only my housemates and officemates knew.
How could I tell mom? She's old, and she worries too much that it will ruin her. I can't tell her that. Was gonna tell brother, but turned out he was gonna go back hometown. I can't ruin his plans.
So I cried, the first night spent in the ward. Most of it because of the annoying IV on my left hand that I couldn't take off even if I want to take wuduk or shower or anything. It was soooo annoying 😫 they said they are strict with the IV hydration especially for dengue patients.
Then there was the aircond. It was so freaking cold that I kept shivering.
I cried under the blanket, then all of a sudden the doctor came with a nurse, asking why I was crying. So I said because I was cold. Thank God they shut off the aircond after that, it made life a bit more tolerable.
And a few minutes later I got an early period, meaning I don't have to be too annoyed of having to pull off the plaster on my IV hand just take wuduk. Though having period during dengue means you're losing more blood than normal, but thank God at least I can rest a bit.
Really, God was helping me. Thank You God.
Couldn't eat much, too tired to chew even though I did want to eat. Everytime I drank water, need to write down how much. Everytime I peed, need to measure and write down how much. When you have dengue, all that matters is fluid balance apparently. The doctor who took care of me was from nephrology.
Finally got discharged on Saturday, when my platelet was 68, an increase from 67, and my white blood cell count was improving. Still feeling dizzy and stuff, all I could do was order food, yet still couldn't finish, still tired. After eating a few bites, had to take a nap just to regain energy. After a few days finally managed to gather enough energy to do laundry, that also after a few rests in between.
Yep, I was sick. I was given MC for 10 days, the longest I've ever gotten. You know how I am, that I was more sick than I'm willing to admit.
Had to stay strong for myself. Always have to.
-----------------
My officemate wanted to come visit me at the hospital that Friday. She said she was looking for excuses to go out.
I said no. I wanted to rest.
She probably got annoyed by my answer.
But it's true. I wanted my privacy. I wasn't showering properly, I wasn't able to sleep properly, with how they kept coming to take my temperature, (they gave me 4 dose of PCM in a day, the most I've ever eaten 🫢), and how I was shivering still even though the aircond was already turned off (I was sweating on my back yet my front was still cold somehow 😵💫 things got weird with the effects of your hormones on period combined with your sick body 🥲)
And yet that officemate just wanna stop by just to find reasons to go out on a Friday afternoon? She said it's okay I can just continue sleeping? Heck no way if you're just gonna come to waste your time, heck no. Why should I sacrifice my precious rest time just to accommodate your 'free' time? Heck every footstep coming into my ward would immediately alert me, you think I can continue sleeping after hearing you guys coming over? No thanks.
My boss also said she wanna come, yet I also rejected saying I wanna sleep. I'm telling the truth.
And now what. Do they care? They didn't say anything else. They only worry at the start I guess. Or maybe now they saw I got MC for 2 weeks they don't care anymore? A bit jealous?
I told you, you shouldn't expect much. Don't get disappointed, sweetheart.
Hahhh. What do you want. What do you expect.
It's okayy. God helped me through. Thank You God.
Hah I thought I was gonna feel sadder than this. But apparently not 🫥
Sure, I cried at the hospital. But even if I told my family, even if there was someone staying with me, would I have not cried? No, I'd still cry. I was not crying because I felt alone, I was crying because of the IV, the pain, the aircond. I'd still cry no matter someone's there or not , no matter they knew or not.
Though I do feel like a small part of hope in my heart died a little. Most of them might have already died, probably, but somehow there still left a small part, and it died a bit.
Eh.
Before this, the words 'no one cares about you' would make me feel like crying.
But now, as I repeat those words, all that's left is numbness, I guess 🫤 sure, maybe they do care in their own way, just like how I care for them on a very surface level way.
Can't blame them.
Before this, even in those sadness I'd still hope for some silver linings, that there is someone out there who would care for me.
But me now? Meh. Kill that thought. Ain't no way, no one's gonna come. Heck no. You're on your own. You only have yourself to depend on. Don't trust them.
Don't.
Anyways, thank God I'm feeling better now 🙂 easy right? Easy to just read about it, without having to actually do anything about it.
Hah. Funny la you.
