Ujian.

Bismillah.

Mendoukusai naa.

This week I'll be flying off to Japan.

But I don't feel as happy.

- Because you're not in control.

There are a lot of places I wanna go, but of course, you need to follow the leader right?

Mendoukusai naa.

Mendoukusai naa.

- Syhh.

- You'll get your chance.

- Your time will come.

- Hitori bocchi.

Lol. Hitori bocchi, until you found someone. If not, then hitori bocchi.

Not fair?

Life itself isn't fair. If it is, then why do heavens exist?

It's not fair, so don't have to look forward to it.

What's wrong with being down once in a while? That's what people call living, isn't it?

If you're not happy with them, then leave.

- Yeah, just keep leaving until you have no one left.

Then you'll really be hitori bocchi.

Like you aren't hitori bocchi enough.

...I'm just tired. So shut up.

Tired.

I want my own back.

...Huh. Then I'll get the opposite of it huh?

What's the point of asking anyway?

...God says don't lose hope.

...Sometimes I hate being a human, because of all these 'tests' and stuff.

If I shouldn't lose hope then why am I given a heart that can feel? A heart that can despair?

...It's called a test for a reason.

Sabar lah. Terima nasib. You are not hopeless. Bukannya ko diciptakan menjadi manusia, maksudnya kau terus tak ada harapan.

Tu nama dia ujian, tau?

Accept this feeling, and do what with it?

What can I do with feelings?

a lot going on

Bismillah.

I have a lot going on recently.

Suddenly. 

Hah. My life has been slow since last year I guess there's a need to stir it up a bit.

There's a saying: if you don't want to move/change, then life's gonna push you to, whether you like it or not.

One of the big ones: My brother's getting married. Well, two of them.

Which makes me think: what about me?

Hah. 'I'm being left behind' is my first thought. My family's won't be there anymore. They've gotten their own now.

I'm starting to feel more...lonely I guess. Haha I'm starting to think, how much lonelier can I get?

Two: We're moving to a new house.

Not just me, it's my family. We're moving to a bigger house since our family is expanding anyway.

Which means...a lot of cleaning and packing up stuff...spending money to buy new furniture...

Got me thinking: When am I gonna buy my own house?

Three: Weddings.

Well, who else? My brothers of course. I'm not the one who needs to plan anything, but there are some things that need to be discussed across our extended family members. Like who's going to the event, how many cars, where are we gonna stay, should we where clothes of the same color etc. etc....

It's not heavy, but just a bit awkward. Since it's 'extended' family so you don't really talk to them very often (meaning: rarely). 

And there's a lot of nuances you need to know, like, what's appropriate to say so that you wouldn't unintentionally hurt their feelings.

That't what making me anxious. It's like trying to cooperate with strangers, but you need to be more careful. Because if it's just strangers then they have nothing to do with you and you won't be meeting them afterwards, but since it's your distant relatives...well, they're your father's or you mother's family and you would be meeting them during gatherings and stuff. You can't avoid it.

I just...I guess I'm just uncomfortable. I'm just worried that their impression on me is bad, because I'm working in KL and I haven't been socializing with them that much, and I have been quiet...

sigh

I guess it's just me then.

Four: Weekend classes

I signed up for some classes on weekend, just to fill in my boring, uneventful life. Hah, now you'd think I regret it huh?

Nah, not really. Tiring, yes, but I don't regret it. Those classes help actually. Now I feel like I do have something, instead of feeling uselessly and endlessly going on a rat race working in a corporate world.

Just that I'm impatient I guess. Impatient to proceed to the next level, impatient to be good at it, impatient to succeed.

Dude, sabar boleh tak? Haha.

Five: I'm going to Japan!

...Not that exciting I guess, since we're in planning stage, and I don't enjoy planning.

And, it doesn't help that I have never been overseas before. Unless you count Singapore as one. Lol.

I got no experience, so I'm doubtful about everything. Haha, I still remember when I wanted to book a flight to Singapore for a business trip, that was my first time ever. I froze for more than 1 hour in front of the computer, scared of making any mistakes. I mean, the price on the ticket itself is already scary since I'm booking for a business trip and there's no promotion going on at that time. My boss had to reach out to one of my colleague to come to my desk and help me with it.

And finally, six: Work.

Hah, when has it ever be not busy with work?

...I guess the previous (no-boss) weeks have been slow. Well, no boss, what's you expect haha. Now that the bosses are back...

Not really. It's just that there's some complications and I need to help out on ironing that issue out.

What's tiring is that the issue is urgent, and it's involving me writing up walls of codes.

Just last week I spent the whole week (like 6 working days straight) just writing up codes to estimate some data. Needless to say, now I've lost meaning of them since I've been staring at them for too long. (Haven't even mentioned how the boss got so picky about me making one mistake and pointed it out during a meeting with everyone else. Thanks for ruining my self-confidence, boss.)

Which is crazy, because now they want me to write up another wall of codes to solve a slightly different issue. Which I don't quite get it; you got so angry with me making mistakes in my codes, then why are you giving me another coding task?

I know why. Because we ain't got not enough people in the office.

In AMS there are 3 people, now 1 of them, the one who knows most about our products and the one that I suppose would be doing the estimation coding task, except that now she goes on a 2-week holiday.

While in KL there are, like, 8 people. 1 of them is on 2-months sabbatical but she's actually leaving the company, so there'll be 7 of us. 4 of them are full-time working on specific projects that only they know how to do it, 1 of them is on a business trip, and 1 of them is a new-joiner. Who's left? Me. I have to take over half of the tasks that the 4 project people used to do before they got so busy, and...! I also have to teach the new joiner on tasks that she needs to do.

...Huh. We've been having this problem ever since 3 years ago, still unsolved. It's like a curse, where our office will never have more than 10 people in it. Yes, we do put up job ads but hiring has been REALLY slow while average employee retention is like 2 years. In 3 years, our office which started with 6 people, there have been 9 new hiring, but also, 8 people leaving. So now we end up with just 1 people more than what we have when we first started.

Funny isn't it.

I'm not jumping ships yet, I admit, I'm starting to feel comfortable with the benefits that my company is offering. But then...the prospect of being overwhelmed with work might scare me in the future.

Changing jobs is tough and mendokusai, so I ain't looking forward to doing it anytime soon.

#Fate

Alone.

Bismillah.

Alone.

Somehow, it doesn’t ring anything to me, that word.

Because somehow, the word ‘alone’ has a negative connotation to it, and I’m not feeling anything negative about being on my own.

I’m not alone. There are people around me.

Housemates, colleagues, family, those waiters at restaurants, the auxiliary polices I see everyday on my way to work, the crowd...

See, there are people.

I’m not alone.

...BUT!

Lonely. Now, that's a feeling.

Hey, it's never wrong to admit you're feeling it. Same like anger, sadness, sorrow etc., you can feel lonely too.

The need to depend on someone else.

I wonder, is it a rational need? Is it reasonable? Is it needed, really?

I...don't know.

Decisions

Bismillah.

Decisions, decisions.

Sometimes I put the blame on being an adult.

Well, if you were a kid then other people make decisions for you, right? They’ll tell you where to spend your money, where you should not go, who should you be friends with, how you should spend your time in...

Meddlesome, but at least you don’t need to bear the consequences if said orders didn’t return rewards as promised. Also, as a kid, you’ll have your adults to depend on.

As adults...you face the consequences alone. Afterall, it’s you who made that decision.

You start to wonder, did I make the wrong one?

...

Itu gunanya tawakkal.

Fine, memang dah lama aku berkira-kira nak join kelas drumming. Aku ingat lagi masa sebulan lebih kot aku baru kerja, aku cakap aku minat nak join. Ni, sekarang dah 2 tahun setengah.

Kau rasa aku still belum ready ke?

...It’s not that you’re ready or not...it’s the possible disappointment that might follow.

Would you stay long enough to be good in it? Would it be a good investment of your time, money and energy? Nevermind that you don’t really own a drum set, pretty sure you can buy that one later. But is this the right direction for you?

...You’ve been thinking about this for two years and you’re still doubting it?

What else can I do?

...Again, that’s the use of tawakkal.

You’ve prayed to God. Let’s also pray for Him to help you with the decision. If it’s good, He’ll help you. If it’s bad, He’ll help you get through it.

Thanks, God.

Alter ego

You know, according to MBTI, you’ll turn into your alternate personality when you’re in extreme stress. For example, an INFP whose order of functions are Fi, Ne, Si, Te, will turn into a Te monster when under stress. How about ISTP who’re usually calm and rational? They’ll turn into Fe crazy & bitchy grandpa/grandma that’ll complain about other people not following set standards.

How to know what your alter ego? First, identify your Dominant function. If it’s Si for example, then flip the letters so you can get Ne, and that is your alter ego. If your dominat function is Fe, then you’ll get Ti as alter ego.

Basically what happens is that when you’re too stressed, you’ll turn into someone who’s not...you. For example, as an Si dominant, you normally trust well-established rules, or facts that you know have always worked in the past. But when you’re stressed, when you’re angry, you’ll use your Ne to lash out your irritation and point out on those varieties of possibilities that could’ve happened, multiple (sometimes can be irrational) ideas about that problem you’re facing...and all of these happen in a bad way. I mean, you’re in a bad mood anyway.

For example, myself as an ISTP I use logical thinking as my day-to-day process. Most of the moving gears are in my brain, much less in my heart/feelings. But when I’m stressed, suddenly it feels like the gears in my brain overheat and stop moving completely, then within a few seconds I’ll become overwhelmed by an ocean of emotions (well, those ‘emotions’ being anger and irritation). I’ll get angry at other people for not going along with the rules(! I mean, rules are there to make other people’s lives easier, aren’t they?!). I am so focused at being angry at other people (not myself!), even though the reasons for it mostly don’t make sense when I think back about it.

Another example, shared by my colleague, her mother is an ENTJ whose dominant function is Te, so her alter ego would be Fi. This colleague of mine told me that when her mother was stressed that one time and turned into her alter ego, from someone who usually thinks that people should follow a certain structure (outward judging),  she became someone who questioned, doubted, blamed herself for the stressful situation that happened. Inner reflection of feelings, that’s her alter ego Fi showing up. Meanwhile this colleague of mine whose dominant function is Fi...meaning she’ll turn into a bad version of her mother whenever she’s stressed out ;P (no offense!).

Scary isn’t it. It’s like you’re suddenly wearing a different skin, and it’s uncomfortable, but you don’t realize that at the moment. It’s like, you’re losing control of who you really are. You’ll only realize it once you turn back into your normal self. That’s why whenever you’re stressed out and you ask someone to hear you out, they say “You’re just not being yourself.”

“Dude, of course I am not myself, I’m stressed out here, can’t you see?!”

- ISTP girl
#end