Breakup.

Bismillah.

If everyone likes you and finds you reliable, you'd think that's a good thing, right?

...

What if, as a consequence, everyone goes to you whenever they need help, until you feel torn apart and exhausted from having to give attention to all of them?

...I think I'm an ambivert. I would be nice to strangers on a good day, until that stranger no longer feel awkward with me. But at the same time, my energy drains every time I talk and smile.

How do I fix this?

How do I take a break, when everyone's depending on me?

Why are you so scared to take a break? Because you're scared you will burden our colleagues for having to take over your job?

But if you send your resignation letter now, you'll still stay until project completion. Should be no problem there, right?

Or is it because you are scared you'll be alone once you quit work? That all those people that you've help, would no longer have opportunity to reciprocate? That you wouldn't have your return of investment?

Why are you expecting something back?

No, I'm not.

I'm scared of being alone.

That mean's I'm putting work as my main identity.

I'm depending on work to give me life meaning.

That...I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Meaning, you are actually depending on something. You're not fully independent.

You gotta take back your identity.

Your freedom.

You are not your work.

You can survive any other places.

You have always been flexible. Just see how you are nice to everyone, without prejudice.

You can survive.

It's okay if you end up being a cleaner.

As long as you stay happy with yourself.

It's okay if you lose all those people from work who like to hang around with you.

That means they only hang around you because they get something from you.

Once you stop giving it to them, they stop being nice to you. 🤷

You gotta cut your losses.

Please...be nice to your own self.

What if you see your best friend suffering like you right now? What kind of advice would you give her?

I would say... take a break.

Stop thinking if your break would cause trouble to the project or the people.

You need it.

You yourself might break if you don't take this break.

You are breaking.

That's why you're reaching out like this.

If you can take it, you'd never raise this issue.

It is an issue, that's why it's appearing.

Like an illness or a disease. If you're healthy, nothing is an issue. But once you're sick, symptoms pop up. And when symptoms pop up, that's when you need to take medicine.

Even if the medicine is bitter.

Even if...quitting your job is bitter.

It's almost like breaking up from a relationship.

Admittedly, I like what I'm doing.

I'm involved with building SQL logic.

And I like the colleagues. They are nice people.

Bosses as well, they are all good people.

Yes, it's like breaking up.

You're sad that you have to end this.

Imagine those scenes in romance movies saying, "I love you, but we can't continue like this," while crying.

Yes, it feels like that.

Why can't we continue, you asked?

It's because I feel like I'm giving too much.

You might say you can change.

But for now, I just need a break.

To re-evaluate my life back.

I'm sorry.

But I need it.

I need it.

Dear God...

Hah...

Please...help me.

It will be a tearful breakup.

I will need to recognize and acknowledge that.

It's okay.

It does hurt.

You will cry.

But it's okay.

It will be okay.

At least you'll only cry once during the breakup.

Instead of crying yourself to sleep every night and in the morning before work.

 

It's okay.

It shows how passionate you are working there.

It shows how invested you are.

Which is not a bad thing.

It's okay, cry. It is a sad breakup.

It is sad.

Your heart will hurt, during the breakup process.

But only that time.

Your heart will stop hurting from the daily work itself.

Anxiety

Bismillah.

Huh. I do only come here every 3-4 months.

------

Anxiety.

Unable to breath properly.

Sure, my housemate had that before, she keeps telling me about it. She used to be anxious because of a bad situation she was in.

But what about me?

It happens too, but behind close doors. I couldn't sleep much, I couldn't eat much because of it, but I just tell people that I have a stomach ache only.

...

I've been saying this again and again. 

I feel hurt too! I can feel pain too! I have my own problems too! Just because I don't tell anyone about it...

... doesn't mean I'm living worry free.

It's just that I'm enduring it alone.

And when you've been enduring it alone long enough, you'll become bitter.

This...hateful feeling is not something I'm proud of.

Even I, myself, hate it.

I feel imperfect.

That I'm incapable of loving.

It's fine as long as I don't trouble others.

But I'm gonna be very lonely.

...Ah, this hateful feeling.

----

She's got her list of her illnesses, and she shared it with us.

How do I feel about it?

What do you think? When someone shows a list of her pain to a person who never tells others about her troubles, what do you think she's gonna feel?

The same way if you have a friend showing her travel photos, her happy family, her branded handbags and clothes...and shove them all to your face, you who are not as wealthy as her.

...Would you feel jealous?

No, not jealous. Instead, you'd be irritated. Annoyed.

Or up to a certain extent... vengeful.

She dares share it with me (it was a list of them!), hoping that I would care and feel sorry for her...

...just makes me feel resentful.

I have been enduring all these hurt and pain and fear alone, without telling you. I even decided to never let you know if I ever got admitted into a hospital because I don't want to trouble you from fussing over me. Because you'd get sick if you worry too much.

...But how dare you do this to me?

...

...Yes, I feel angry.

This freaking passive-aggressiveness, I freaking hate it.

I feel bitter, because I have to care, even though it makes me angry.

***

Here I am, staying alone in my room for the long weekend just trying to recover back from my anxiety. I had to reject my brother's request for help back in my hometown. That didn't feel good. I felt guilty for declining.

I felt guilty for saying no.

What the hell. Am I showing symptoms of being a doormat?

Being kind doesn't come easy for me, so I make a conscious effort for it. And now I'm even blaming myself for not being nice enough. For turning others down.

...Hahhh I'm tired.

What's the point.

Looking forward to...

Bismillah.

"Imagine...", they said.

...Huh, my imagination is really running on empty nowadays.

I'm a realistic person, remember? Am also a pessimist, where if you combine those two, it would be enough to drive you towards depression, i.e.: what's there to hope for in life?

...Anticipating something in the future.

I still remember what my ex-boss said when I told him I'm taking leave for a holiday in Japan. He said, "Good, you have something to look forward to."

When he said that, I don't know, something sparks in me. It's one of those moments where I feel like I want to retaliate, but his point actually makes sense so I was rendered speechless. When he said that it feels like...like we need to have something to anticipate in life. If not, your life would be boring. If not, your life would be...hopeless.

What's there to be happy about living?

...

Petty things.

"I look forward to going on a holiday!" Says someone in a chirpy tone.

"I look forward to having our baby born."

"I look forward to getting enough money so that I can buy a house."

...

Sure, I got my own things that I want in the future...but future is never guaranteed right?

So what's your right to believe that whatever you're looking forward to will even occur?

...Hope?

Heh.

***

...I'm so sorry for that sad realization, I don't mean to give you depression.

Here's something for you, if you want to read.

I need proton with all this negativity.

Bismillah.

God, look what I've become.

Kau kata aku dah lain?

Kau kata aku bukan macam dulu lagi?

Kau kata aku dah tak ceria and happening macam dulu?

......

Dah tu kau nak aku jadi macam mana?

Kau rasa dengan dunia yang sunyi dan takde belas kasihan macam ni, boleh ke aku nak stay happy dan ceria sepanjang masa?

Haha...kelakarnyaa. Jangan naif sangat boleh tak. Umur aku dah nak masuk 30 tau tak. Aku dah dewasa. Aku kena jadi dewasa, kalau tak nak kena telan dengan kekejaman dunia tau tak.

Fending for myself alone in a metropolis, with no one I can lean on, while having people who depend on me...kau rasa mampu lagi ke aku act like a naive, cute, innocent little girl?

You must be kidding me.

Satu je aku nak mintak dengan kau. Jangan jadi fair-weathered friend boleh tak? Bila aku baik, comel, happy je kau nak kawan. Bila aku sedih, marah, annoying, kau nak lari?

-----

Kejam kan?

Rasa macam kejam je bila kau baca blog aku ni.

Macam mana kau tak rasa macam nak lari bila aku tulis sekejam ni kan.

...Takpe, kalau kau nak lari, lari lah.

Memang betul pun, aku sendiri akui, kejam sebenarnya apa yang aku tulis ni.

Kat blog ni je lah tempat aku cerita semua perasaan negatif aku. Takde tempat lain dah.

Dengan orang, dengan familli, dengan kawan, semua aku tak cerita. Depan diorang, face-to-face, semua aku buat relax je, senyum macam takde masalah.

Alah, korang mesti paham kan. Sebab korang pun buat macam tu. Depan orang senyum je, walaupun ada masalah.

Korang mesti paham apa aku rasa kan?

...Ke aku je yang rasa macam ni?

-----

Aku masih normal.

Aku masih berfungsi seperti seorang manusia biasa.

Seorang manusia yang mempunyai perasaan.

Aku still have fun, gelak-gelak, happy jumpa member lama...

Cuma kat blog ni je kau nampak semua negatif. Sebab blog ni tempat aku unload garbage yang aku pendam sorang-sorang.

Tu je.

Kau jumpa aku depan-depan, ajak aku lepak-lepak, have fun, aku still boleh enjoy.

Nak mintak aku tolong, or nak ceritakan masalah korang kat aku, aku still boleh jadi a good listener.

Cuma perasaan negatif aku, aku simpan sendiri dan luahkan bukan depan orang.

Macamtu lah.

Dunia sekarang kan macam tu. Rasa gembira, happy, kau boleh tunjuk depan-depan, tapi kalau negativity, sedih, marah, sila jangan tunjuk depan orang. Dunia korporat. Dunia eksekutif. Memang macam tu. "Display of emotion is frowned upon" katanya.

Lagipun kalau kau friendly, sentiasa senyum, nanti orang suka kat kau. Baru orang nak dekat dengan kau.

Bukan macam tu?

-----

I guess, bila aku tulis perasaan negatif aku online, aku rasa lebih selamat. Kenapa?

Sebab kalau online macam ni, dalam blog yang tak ada orang baca pun, tak ada lah aku expect orang akan reply anything.

Dan tak ada lah aku frust kalau orang tak faham apa yang aku cerita.

Bila kita nak cerita perasaan negatif dekat orang, tak kira lah sedih, marah, annoyed or anything, kita sedang jadi vulnerable. Kita sedang expose a side of ourselves yang kita takut orang nampak.

Cuba kau bayang, dah tengah kita vulnerable macam tu, kita cerita masalah kat orang, orang tu buat acuh tak acuh je. Attention dia tak fully 100% kat kau.

Kau rasa? Baik aku takyah cerita kat dia dah lepas ni!

Tu lah apa yang jadi kat aku. Masa dia cerita masalah dia kat aku, aku beria lah dengar sungguh-sungguh, jadi supportive. Bila masa aku pulak cerita masalah aku kat dia, dia buat dek, pastu dia pergi pusing cerita pasal diri dia pulak.

...Tu lah, sesetengah orang yang banyak cakap ni tak semestinya pendengar yang baik.

Lagi satu, bila aku lepaskan perasaan dalam blog yang sunyi ni, tak ada lah orang yang akan retaliate, or cakap aku salah, or cakap 'aku tak patut rasa macam tu'.

Masalah sesetengah orang ni kan, bila kita cerita masalah or perasaan kita pada dia, dia balas balik seolah-olah kita tak patut rasa macam tu. Macam kita salah sebab rasa macam tu.

Perasaan is just that, perasaan. Kita rasa sesuatu dalam hati tu, bukannya kita boleh control. So, jangan la bila orang cerita masalah kat kau, kau cakap kat orang tu, 'kau tak patut rasa macam tu'. Perasaan tu muncul tanpa diminta. Rasa tu setakat rasa, bukannya jadi sesuatu pun. Orang tu cerita kat kau sebab nak kongsi rasa kurang selesa dia tu. Lepas dia cerita, nanti hilang lah perasaan tu, lega lah dia. Kenapa pulak kau nak cakap dia tak patut rasa macam tu?

Contoh paling cliche la aku bagi kat korang. Ada orang terjatuh cinta dekat laki/bini orang. Orang tu cerita kat kau, pastu kau kata 'Kau tak patut ada perasaan tu'.

Meh sini aku cakap semula. Perasaan tu tak boleh dikawal. Apa yang dia rasa tak salah. Tau tak apa yang salah? Kalau dia jatuh cinta, lepas tu dia pergi ngorat or pergi menggedik dengan laki/bini orang tu. Itu yang salah.

Perasaan tak salah. Perbuatan/action yang salah. Perasaan tak boleh dikawal. Tapi perbuatan or action kita boleh dikawal.

Tapi kalau kau rasa perasaan tu dah nak hilang kawalan, kau jangan la layankan dia. Kau jangan dok pikir-pikirkan dia. Yes, kau akui perasaan tu ada. Kau jangan deny. Lagi kau deny, nanti perasaan kau tu akan memberontak. Instead, kau ignore je. Betul, kau jatuh cinta kat laki/bini orang. Rasa suka tu tak salah. Tapi jangan suka sangat sampai kau pergi buat benda yang tak sepatutnya. Cuba sibukkan diri buat benda lain, sampailah kau boleh lupakan perasaan tu.

Arasso? 😏

Losing hope

Bismillah.

Hope.

Harapan.

Semakin dewasa usia ni, semakin kurang naif.

Budak-budak, naif. Dia ingat semua dekat dunia ni benda baik-baik saja. Dia ingat kehendak dia semua akan dipenuhi.

Sekarang, bila kau sudah dewasa, kau akan hilang kenaifan tu.

Naivety.

Dan disamping naif, kau jugak akan hilang benda ni.

Benda yang dipanggil 'harapan'.

Hope.

You lose hope.

Semakin panjang usia, semakin banyak kesedihan, kemusnahan yang kau akan saksikan, yang kau akan alami sendiri.

And all these experiences will erode you of all your naivety and hopes.

You'll become more...realistic.

And for someone who's already pessimistic, the effect is doubled.

Losing hope.

Dua perkataan tu je dah depressing dengar.

If you lose hope, there's no moving forward.

Even if there is a way, but you are not moving towards it.

Why? Because you don't think there's anything on the other side.

You don't bother.

You stop bothering. You stop caring.

You...give up.

...

It's dangerous.

Dangerous. I know.

You lose hope. There's nothing that you look forward to in life. You stop caring about living. You start thinking about dying.

Destructive thoughts.

You try to be rational and say, "This feeling shall pass."

So you don't bother with the feeling even.

But that doesn't solve the original problem.

The problem of not having something to look forward to in life.

...In the end, what happens is that you bury your own feelings, ignoring your heart, and carry on dragging your feet through each day.

Becoming numb.

What's the use of crying? At the end of it you'll just feel empty.

...

...You know, the final, last straw that keeps you from dying

that thin thread you're loosely hanging on to

is this:

God.

Yes, the thread is there. The only thread that you're hanging on to.

It's there.

Don't let go.

It's there. Because God is there.

He's there.

So, just hold on to it.

It hurts, I know.

But don't let go.

Ujian.

Bismillah.

Mendoukusai naa.

This week I'll be flying off to Japan.

But I don't feel as happy.

- Because you're not in control.

There are a lot of places I wanna go, but of course, you need to follow the leader right?

Mendoukusai naa.

Mendoukusai naa.

- Syhh.

- You'll get your chance.

- Your time will come.

- Hitori bocchi.

Lol. Hitori bocchi, until you found someone. If not, then hitori bocchi.

Not fair?

Life itself isn't fair. If it is, then why do heavens exist?

It's not fair, so don't have to look forward to it.

What's wrong with being down once in a while? That's what people call living, isn't it?

If you're not happy with them, then leave.

- Yeah, just keep leaving until you have no one left.

Then you'll really be hitori bocchi.

Like you aren't hitori bocchi enough.

...I'm just tired. So shut up.

Tired.

I want my own back.

...Huh. Then I'll get the opposite of it huh?

What's the point of asking anyway?

...God says don't lose hope.

...Sometimes I hate being a human, because of all these 'tests' and stuff.

If I shouldn't lose hope then why am I given a heart that can feel? A heart that can despair?

...It's called a test for a reason.

Sabar lah. Terima nasib. You are not hopeless. Bukannya ko diciptakan menjadi manusia, maksudnya kau terus tak ada harapan.

Tu nama dia ujian, tau?

Accept this feeling, and do what with it?

What can I do with feelings?

Alter ego

You know, according to MBTI, you’ll turn into your alternate personality when you’re in extreme stress. For example, an INFP whose order of functions are Fi, Ne, Si, Te, will turn into a Te monster when under stress. How about ISTP who’re usually calm and rational? They’ll turn into Fe crazy & bitchy grandpa/grandma that’ll complain about other people not following set standards.

How to know what your alter ego? First, identify your Dominant function. If it’s Si for example, then flip the letters so you can get Ne, and that is your alter ego. If your dominat function is Fe, then you’ll get Ti as alter ego.

Basically what happens is that when you’re too stressed, you’ll turn into someone who’s not...you. For example, as an Si dominant, you normally trust well-established rules, or facts that you know have always worked in the past. But when you’re stressed, when you’re angry, you’ll use your Ne to lash out your irritation and point out on those varieties of possibilities that could’ve happened, multiple (sometimes can be irrational) ideas about that problem you’re facing...and all of these happen in a bad way. I mean, you’re in a bad mood anyway.

For example, myself as an ISTP I use logical thinking as my day-to-day process. Most of the moving gears are in my brain, much less in my heart/feelings. But when I’m stressed, suddenly it feels like the gears in my brain overheat and stop moving completely, then within a few seconds I’ll become overwhelmed by an ocean of emotions (well, those ‘emotions’ being anger and irritation). I’ll get angry at other people for not going along with the rules(! I mean, rules are there to make other people’s lives easier, aren’t they?!). I am so focused at being angry at other people (not myself!), even though the reasons for it mostly don’t make sense when I think back about it.

Another example, shared by my colleague, her mother is an ENTJ whose dominant function is Te, so her alter ego would be Fi. This colleague of mine told me that when her mother was stressed that one time and turned into her alter ego, from someone who usually thinks that people should follow a certain structure (outward judging),  she became someone who questioned, doubted, blamed herself for the stressful situation that happened. Inner reflection of feelings, that’s her alter ego Fi showing up. Meanwhile this colleague of mine whose dominant function is Fi...meaning she’ll turn into a bad version of her mother whenever she’s stressed out ;P (no offense!).

Scary isn’t it. It’s like you’re suddenly wearing a different skin, and it’s uncomfortable, but you don’t realize that at the moment. It’s like, you’re losing control of who you really are. You’ll only realize it once you turn back into your normal self. That’s why whenever you’re stressed out and you ask someone to hear you out, they say “You’re just not being yourself.”

“Dude, of course I am not myself, I’m stressed out here, can’t you see?!”

- ISTP girl
#end

Stress kerja.

Bismillah.

Assalamualaikum.

Sihat?

Alhamdulillah.

Aku stress kerja.

Haha. Awal-awal post dah cakap benda tak best.

Ha'ah, stress. Malam-malam balik kerja pun still buat kerja.

Hari-hari pergi kerja bagi 100% fokus, ingat balik rumah boleh rehat la.

Tak, sambung bukak laptop, kejar produk nak tunjuk dekat bos Amsterdam. Maklumlah, time zone lain.

Kau ingat otak aku tak penat ke? Penat dow.

Kau ingat 100% fokus yang kau dah bagi kat tempat kerja tu dah cukup ke? Tak cukup dow.

Apa lagi yang dia nak dari aku ni?

Penat.

Tak puas, tak cukup rasanya masa rehat yang ada lepas balik kerja.

Lagi-lagi untuk orang yang kerja bukan dalam bidang yang dia suka.

Balik kerja, mestilah nak buat hobi yang dia suka. Tapi, kau balik kerja, ada berapa jam je lagi tinggal sebelum kau masuk tido?

Ada lah...dalam 3 jam.

Dude, aku balik kerja pukul 7, 7.30pm. Sampai rumah dalam pukul 8, solat semua bagai, pukul 9 baru boleh rest atau start hobi.

Itu pun kalau tak bawak kerja balik rumah.

Nak makan lagi. Kalau nak masak, lagi lah makan masa.

Aku buat benda semuanya take time. Makan la terutamanya, mau satu jam untuk satu meal.

Tak enjoy la kalau kau nak suruh aku makan laju. Terkejar-kejar. Makan telan je, mana nak rasa nikmat makan tu.

Kerja aku ni, macam tu lah. Buat aku rasa terkejar-kejar.

Kejarkan release date untuk product, kejar achievement/performance untuk jawab depan bos, kejar compete dengan colleagues untuk siapkan kerja paling cepat/sumbang idea paling best...

Aku rasa bodoh. Diorang (officemates) ni semua bijak-bijak. Belajar oversea, idea bagus-bagus, ilmu banyak...yang melayu pun speaking English macam air kot!

Aku siapa? Budak melayu 'domestik' (haha) yang belajar dekat Universiti Islam Antarabangsa Malaysia. Tak pernah jejak kaki ke oversea langsung. Apa sumbangan aku dalam kampeni tu?

Entah. Aku rasa aku ni expendable je rasanya.

Aku perasan, masa bos aku edar-edarkan surat tax kat semua orang, yang lain received 3 helai. Aku received 2 je.

Kenapa?

Baru aku tau, aku tak ada potongan tax, sebab gaji aku tak layak untuk tax. Orang lain ada.

Orang lain yang kena tax tu, masuk lagi lewat dari aku kot! Sama level, fresh grad. So gaji dia lagi tinggi dari aku lah?

Cumanya, iye lah, dia grad Australia nu. Buat kerja pun rajin, efisyen, mendengar cakap, sumbang idea.

Kenapa, aku buat kerja tak rajin ke? Aku tak sumbang idea ke? Aku buat kerja malam kot, kadang-kadang on weekend pun aku buat sikit. Aku datang awal, balik lewat. Aku bagi idea, tapi korang pandang muka aku terkebil-kebil macam aku cakap benda bodoh.

Kenapa, sebab aku buat kerja lembab?

Sebab aku cakap English sangkut-sangkut?

Sebab aku bagi idea entah pape?

Sebab aku bodoh?

...

Dude, aku tak bodoh. Aku ada otak. Aku boleh fikir. Kau jangan degrade aku.

Aku tak penuhi expectation kau, tak bermakna aku ni bodoh.

Maknanya, aku tak sesuai untuk penuhi apa yang kau nak.

Dude, kau nak suruh panjat pokok, jangan la expect semua orang untuk pandai panjat pokok. Dude, harimau pun kau nak expect jadi pandai panjat pokok?

Dude, aku reti bab lain, tapi tak, kau tak peduli. Kau nak semua orang ikut pandai bab bidang yang kau nak aje.

Dude, kau pernah dengar tak, tips nak jadi leader yang bagus adalah dengan pandai utilize specialties yang unique yang ada pada setiap anak buah.

Dude, aku rasa kau ingat manusia ni kilang.

Oh wait, all companies think their employees are just generic factory workers.

They forgot that we're humans! We have problems, we have personal life, personal matters, personal problems to deal with!

Kau lupa, aku juga ada kehidupan kat luar ni! Bukannya sibuk kejar kau punya achievement tu!

To hell la kau punya duit. Tak payah la offer naik gaji. Tak guna pun duit tu kalau aku tak happy.

Who am I?

Fighting for a battle.

A battle, against my own self.

Who would've thought. That I couldn't accept my past.

What is it? What about it that I want to stay away from it?

Why, oh my past self, what did you do?

You know...I did nothing.

That's the problem.

I can't accept myself. For not being someone. 

For being lost right now.

Because now, I've lost who I was before.

People said to emerge from a battle with victory, you need to lose everything first.

Well, now you're happy huh?

That I'm no longer my previous self. 

That now, I'm no one.

Who am I?

Trying so hard to make a dent in this world.

It's you, against the whole world.

It's you. Alone.

With God.

How should I live?

Bismillah.

I need some self reflection.

First, hey, finally.

He's married. 

Good. 

Now to wait for everyone else to do the same.

And for them to forget me.

Uhh somehow I just wanna disappear. Just to avoid expectation.

Second, heh. I'm still here.

Doing the same thing that I said I want to quit every other day. 

The same job. After one year plus.

And why am I still here.

Seems like I'm dreading whatever tasks they want me to do.

Then what do you like to do?

Hell, don't ask me that question, like  I said before (and LOTS of time before), I DON'T KNOW!

Can't you just leave me alone and see what kind of things I would made, what kind of human I would be?

Huh. Self reflection. 

What would I be when I'm 30? 

That is, if I even reach 30.

What do I have? Nothing.

Look at that. You said that, you ungrateful being.

You have a family, a roof above your head, food, money, things...

But why do I feel I own nothing?

But of course I own nothing. All of these, in this world just for play, it's not permanent.

It's Allah's.

...

My mind is full with a lot of things to do, projects to finish, activities to try...I feel like, I don't have enough time to do all this.

I don't have enough time to live the life that I wanted.

How? Anxious, on the verge of losing control.

How should I live then?

Options

Bismillah.

On my way to go home now. Hell, and it says the bus is going to Seremban as well.

What the heck.

And I'm supposed to have single seat. How the heck am I in a double seat now? And how the heck did the bus become a double decker now?!

Huh. PlusLiner. Almost always got issues with them. 

Prefer Transnasional actually, but they don't offer lots of time options.

Huh. God. I don't have lots of options do I?

Actually I do.

Hell, of course I can quit if I wanted to.

As for why I haven't actually done it...

It's because of those strings attached when you're an adult. Lots of things you need to consider now that you've got more responsibility.

...

How can I live freely?

Of course I know the answer to that. Get enough money, buy a house to rent out, and live off that money. Then you can do what you want.

It's a matter of preseverence.

Urghhhh.

God. God. God.

You know so well I don't wanna do this. Oh God You know.

Ask yourself.

Ask yourself. Do you really need it? Do you really need the job?

Better yet, ask yourself. Do you need to work?

Hah. Honestly, I don't know. When I applied for it, it seems oh so nice, oh so beautiful, oh this job description is perfect for me.

Little did I know, little did I know.

How would I know?! GOD! How would I know when I haven't tried it yet? Ugh! That's how I learn? Why do you have to complain about it?

Hey, if you're happy with your job now, or at least you do feel that this is your career path, or this is how you imagine your life would be, then by all means please continue doing whatever you're doing right now. I have no objection whatsoever.

But hey, one advice: don't be like me. Where I am currently is not where I imagine my life would be. But I didn't know about it until I've delved deep into this mud called work. Now, I guess I'm stuck inside it. Only now do I know that I hate it. Heh. Reminds me of that story of the frog inside a slowly boiling water. It didn't realize it until the water is too hot that it killed it.

God, oh no I don't wanna be like that frog. But then how am I getting out of this? Or even, should I even get out of it?

Haha. Lemme ask the question: what's keeping you to stay?

The truth is bitter. The truth is, I don't know the answer to that question.

Is it for the money?

Haha. I guess. What else would be the reason?

Huh. I don't have a solid reason to leave.

Work.

Bismillah.

I would say that I'm afraid to say this, but I would still say it.

I don't wanna work.

Please.

I just wanna stay in, doing things I want.

I don't wanna meet my boss, my colleagues.

I don't want that dual-monitor and that Dell CPU anymore.

I don't want to be bothered by the AMS team, doing this and that for them.

I don't want to just be doing this for money. Hell, if I am, then I'm just the same like everyone else.

Urgh, screw work! SCREW WORK!

...

Why am I afraid to tell you this?

Because I don't have a backup plan. I don't know what I wanna do if I quit my job. I just...

I just don't wanna be bothered.

...

Urgh, I'm on leave, AM I NOT?!

Then why the hell are you disturbing me??

And why the hell am I worried on my job??

ARGGHH!

...

It's that time of the month. I just get pissed off, having no motivation to want to do anything.

I feel like I wanted to punch the walls, but that would only hurt my hands.

Shouting out of the window, neighbors would be scared and call the police.

Bang something in my room, my stuff would be broken and my room would turn into a mess, and I'm the one who would have to clean it up later.

Ugh, my heart says to let it out, but my brain rationalizes.

In the end, what can I do about it?

...

Pray.

Don't just hope it would be answered, believe it would.

Because God is Almighty. Because God can do anything. That's why it's going to be okay.

Placed in a new place.

Bismillah.

Allahuakbar.

Allah letakkan aku di tempat baru.

Aku dapat kerja.

Aku tak sangka yang aku boleh dapat kerja.

Lepas habes belajar tahun lepas, I was stuck in a rut. You know, that quarterlife crisis?

Haha.

Argh, senang cerita, I was in a depression. For 6 month or something.

How did that depression happened, you ask? Heh, kau bayangkan, kau dok terperap kat rumah, kawan tak ramai, it's like your social life just got cut. You are now seekor katak bawah tempurung.

You know, being the only katak bawah tempurung is pretty lonely. You read through FB just to make yourself feel like you're still in the circle.

Huh. An illusion like you're socializing, when it's only one-sided. Macam bercakap dengan tembok. Tembok mana boleh reply to anything you said. Lainlah kalau ada orang di sebalik tembok tu. Dengar lah jugak suara yang membalas. Atau mungkin hantu. Haha.

Then, as usual, dah habis belajar mestilah mau carik kerja. Apply sana sini, satu pun tak dibalas. Your family will start questioning (and nagging) too. Haa...masa ni lah you'll start questioning yourself. Aku ni teruk sangat ke sampai tak ada sapa-sapa nak ambik aku kerja? Now here...is the time where your confidence starts to crumble. You'll feel so bad, it's basically depression. Lel, self prescription. Heh, aku yang memang tak ada confidence pun ni...bayangkanlah how deep I fell down into the well that time.

Having no outside input, having a closed view on the world, desperately trying to be accepted into the corporate world...God, I was desperate but yet I was paralyzed with imaginary fears! I didn't talk to people, I was scared! I smiled at them, secretly wanting them to just reach out to me...but...

Huh. Sekarang baru aku paham lagu-lagu Jepun yang layan feeling tu. Haha.

Sept 2014 I worked as a replacement teacher at my own brother's secondary school. Heh. Sekolah budak nakal. For the first week I had this frown on my face every day after getting off from work. I cried once. Heh. Guess what? I worked there only for 2 weeks. Lol. Because I registered late, I came in at the end of 3-months period that teacher I was replacing took her leave.

Somewhere in Jan 2015 I got an invitation for an interview from the government. It was from Jabatan Perangkaan, for a job position that would fit SPM leavers more than graduates. But hell, I (stupidly) applied for it so they called me. Kerja macam budak bancian tu la. Datang interview lambat sebab carik parking. Masuk-masuk tengok aku sorang je tengah hari tu. Kejadah. Anxious la aku. Masuk bilik  interview je terus aku nangis. For the whole interview. And another half an hour in the car after the interview.

Yeah, yeah you can laugh, that's perfectly fine. I know it's pretty unreasonable for what I did there, but I want to emphasize my situation back then. I spent most of the time inside the house for...hmm almost 8 months? Like I said, I cut off my own social life. And when the time comes for me to meet people and to impress them, you think I can do it? Damn, of course I couldn't. Macam you learnt a skill, Photoshop, playing guitar or something, but then you stopped doing it for a year. Of course you would stumble if one day you need to do that again.

Then in Feb 2015 I decided to just damn, hell with it. I'm gonna apply for a job as a cleaner at UIA. Damn yes I did. And I was happy to try it out. I went to meet the supervisor with a conviction that I meet her because I want to. Not because of someone else. And I happily worked there, being friends with the makciks, they were so nice, the job was so simple, not stressing at all...but then, I worked only for only 8 days.

WTH. Actually now I'm questioning myself...WHY? Haha.

If I liked the job so much, then why did I quit? Hah. Yep, I guess I'm stupid. I quit because I allegedly wanted to continue my study into master level. I was kidding myself back then. I was spending too much time looking at students and dreaming of how their life is much more fun and much less responsibility. Heh. Kerja nak lari je aku ni. I wanted to still be a student. I was unable to move on.

So I dealt with all the forms, paid the processing fees, met the lecturer, spent some time at the master students' room, reading notes bla bla bla...tak sampai 2 bulan pun. I quit, again. Say whatever you want, I don't wanna do that anymore. Maybe I will continue my studies into masters degree, but maybe not now.

I was feeling a bit better by then, having a job of my own choice. I guess you can say that it was the first step of me trying to get out of my depression. After that, in Jun 2015, a year after I finished my studies, I got a temp job with the government at Putrajaya. Lol. Who would've thought...now that I think about it, actually I was lucky to have experiences to work there. At Putrajaya, with the Ministry of Science man! Heh. Aku nak tunggu Bajet 2016 tu keluar nanti. Ada ke tak input yang aku sediakan untuk department aku. Haha.

Working at Putrajaya, you can say that was the bottleneck of the rut I was staying in. I needed to get out of the bottle, so being able to move to Putrajaya can be considered as an effort to do just that. Yep, it was damn hard I was stuggling in a battle that no one can see. And still, the scars from the battle are paralyzing me sometimes. But hey, at least this is a new beginning, right?

Who said it was easy trying to start a new life? I was alone there. Heh. I thought I was strong, but inside I desperately crying for a partner. I tried to be strong, stiffen up my upper lips, but heh, who am I kidding? I don't wanna hide my feelings. If I'm lonely, then I'm lonely. If I don't have lots of friends, if I'm not so friendly, if I don't know how to maintain a friendship for long, then, hell, let it be. I am an imperfect human being. I make mistakes. I can't please everyone. You're gonna get hurt by me. You're gonna hate me. If you do, if you can't accept me for who I am, well, yeah it hurts, it will make me sad. But what can I do? What happens, happens. It's who I am. You can hate me for what I do, but it's my life I'm living, not yours.

That job at Putrajaya was only for 2 and a half months. Well, one more week and it'll be 3 months. The contract period was supposed to be 3 months actually, but it didn't really matter so I can quit whenever I want. Many thanks to God, He sent me to be with good people there. They are very accepting. Lots of things I should be grateful from that job. But then...

I decided to just try again. Try again, applying for jobs. Have been receiving emails from JobStreet on the matching jobs description, and one day I just noticed this one post looking for a data analyst. Hmm interesting. Without thinking of anything, I decided to just apply for it. At first of course I was scared, I had doubts, should I really apply for this...? Then I thought, hell, kalau previous applications returned nothing, then it is probable that I won't be receiving any reply from this one too. Heh, kalau tak dapat reply lagi bagus,I wouldn't have to worry about anything.

Then...oh my Allah, an email came in, inviting me for a screening test. My jaw dropped. How did I...? Why...what...I...I couldn't say anything. Speechless. Huh. Okay, relax...it's just a screening test. Screening test is fine, because it was just a test. You don't have to meet people. You'll just have to fce the paper with your pen. That's it. So I was happy. Then...

After a few days, someone named Mike called me to say that I was invited for the first interview and that I passed the test. Wh-wh-wha--(The hell, I don't know what to say, I was anxious, felt like I've met a wall, why did you call me why do I need to talk why are you asking me question why is this so sudden aaarrrgggggghhhhhh!!!) Seriously. If I was to rate how I answered the phone call, I'd say 3 out of 10. It's not 0 just because I was still able to talk and I was at least talking in English. The rest of it...just mumbles, stutters, uh ah err...

Stress tau tak. Like I said, aku bukan pandai charm orang dengan perkataan aku.

So...I seriously don't know how I passed the first and the second (final) interview. How I felt like I could burst into tears just before I walked into the interview room, but suddenly that feeling just disappeared and I was talking smoothly. I mean, it went okay, I'd give it 6.5 out of 10. But really. It went okay. I said it went okay, because I didn't cry. God, that was a miracle, you know! It was a big step trying to get out of my depression!

But really. I was having doubts after the final interview. Syarikat baru nak bukak kat Malaysia. Colleagues pulak semua non muslim. Everyday kena speaking. Macam mana, mampu ke aku jaga Islam aku? Aku pun doa, ya Allah, kalau Kau bagi aku kerja ni, maka aku berserah, sebab itu yang Kau bagi aku. Itu yang Kau aturkan untuk aku. Tapi kalau kerja ni tak elok, maka aku juga serah pada Kau. Kau tau mana yang terbaik untuk aku. Dapat atau tak dapat, Allah juga yang pegang semua kuasa.

Dan Allah aturkan...untuk aku dapat kerja tu. Sekarang, dah sebulan aku kerja kat sini. Heh. Baru sebulan. Dugaan memang ada, tapi mampu aku katakan yang mula kerja ni tak terasa beban sangat. Heh. Masa mula-mula start kerja tu aku nangis, tapi bukan sebab kerja. Tapi sebab stress pindah rumah, buat kerja bodoh angkat barang sorang-sorang dari Putrajaya ke KL naik train. Tolong lah argh aku menyusahkan diri sendiri betul. Aku stress dalam 3 minggu jugak lah, tapi stress tu bukan sebab kerja.

Hmm. Kerja tu nampak agak demanding jugak, tapi it still gives some leeway, it still gives you time and space for you to learn. Bila aku pikir balik, sungguh ke Allah nak aku kerja ni? Bayangkanlah, masa interview tu aku cakap relax je, selamba je speaking. Sedangkan aku expect aku akan menggelabah, stutter, nervous, aku expect aku akan nangis...but I didn't. Seriously, I think Allah was really helping me to go through it smoothly. 

So far, I'm happy to see lots of numbers instead of text. Well, bila time dia suruh buat research dan baca pasal industry news tu aku tak berapa suka la. And the manager might be a demanding person with lots of expectations (urgh!), but so far it's okay. Colleagues from Amsterdam pun seem okay...hmm. Tak berani nak cakap banyak, sebab baru sebulan aku kerja sini. Heh. But you'll never know, right? Entah-entah lagi 2-3 bulan aku dah start benci. Haha. We'll see. Kalau aku dah benci nanti, aku tulis lagi kat sini ea? Haha.

Kau tak tau.

Allah.

Aku rasa kalau aku mula menulis pasal benda ni, aku akan menangis.

Haha.

Sabtu, 12 Sept, went shopping at Alamanda alone, searching for new blouse, pants and jacket for my new job. Met Syafiq, and he asked, "Sorang je? Kenapa tak ajak Ama ke, Falaha ke?" ...What. Should I trouble them to come far away to Putrajaya? You're kidding me, right? I've learned that your friends wouldn't always be available for you all the time. They are another human being, not the extension of yourself. They have their own circle of family and friends that you don't know about. You're not the only person in their life. Besides, what's wrong with going out alone?

Got home after shopping, noticed there were lots of defects in the clothes I just bought. What the heck. Well, padanlah dengan harga dia yang murah.

Ahad, 13 Sept, jerebu makin teruk. Was thinking maybe I should go back to Alamanda to exchange the defective products I just bought, but...meh. I shouldn't go out in a weather like this. Was thinking maybe I should start transfering my stuff to Bangsar, but...meh again.

Isnin, 14 Sept. Aku mula kerja baru kat syarikat swasta yang headquartersnya di UK. Colleagues kebanyakan non muslim, sorang orang Australia, 1 cina, 2 india, 1 melayu. Note that I said 'melayu', and not muslim. But Allah knows better.

Lepas tu, aku dan sorang lagi muslimah UM jadi newcomers, dan sorang lagi chinese guy, studied in US. And masa tu ada pulak 3 orang Amsterdam yang datang Malaysia untuk melawat KL punya branch. So imagine how the non muslims become the majority in my new workplace.

The first day...damn, full of briefing, lots of info. We only stopped for lunch and pray. Then, on to more talks. Aku bukannya paham sangat apa yang diorang cakap tu. Sorang banyak mumbles, sorang cakap laju, sorang lagi macam nak taknak buka mulut je. Huhu. After the day was over, they brought us to dine at Central Market, along with those 3 Amsterdam guys until 9.30. Luckily we didn't have to pay for our food. What the hell. The first day of work was already full to the brim.

Selasa, 15 Sept, second day of work. We had to come to office at 8 am, as we would be going for a port visit at Port Klang. I was excited for the visit, but the awkwardness from being a newcomer was there. The visit was very interactive, I was grateful that I could stay away from more briefings, but I wasn't able to enjoy it to the fullest. We got back to the office at 3pm, I went to pray with the UM girl, then we had one more session of briefing before we got back home after 5. I was so stressed, thinking on the expectation being put on me to really know my work scope in just a few weeks, and also thinking about how the heck am I going to transfer my things from Putrajaya to Bangsar. Cried a lot, I did that night.

Rabu, 16 Sept. Hari Malaysia. Thank God, I need this holiday. But I was thinking maybe I should start packing my stuff to move into my new rented room in Bangsar. I messaged the old renter, she didn't replied until it got late. But I decided to just go with it, so after Maghrib prayer, I waited for the bus to come. Met an uncle whom I thought was a Bangla  (because there's a lot of them from where I rented), but instead he's just a mami from Penang, coming to Putrajaya for a meeting with all rice association from other states. He chatted a lot, we got onto the same bus to Putrajaya Sentral and there, he gave me his name card and some jeruk for free.

At 9.30pm I got onto ERL Transit to KL Sentral, and then to LRT Universiti. It was already 10 by then. Sent my luggage up into my new room, got down again to get the keys from the head of the house, waited for her for 20 minutes after her calls didn't reach her, took the keys from her after I found her at some cafe (curses, she innocently said there's no network coverage, even though I already told her I was coming), went unloading the stuff from my luggage into my new room, went back to KL Sentral and on the KL Transit on 11pm, got to Putrajaya Sentral at 11.30...waited for a bus to get back to my flat, got on that on 12am...PHEW. I can't even say anything.

Khamis 17 Sept, more damn briefing. Luckily there's a session that was more hands on, and that got me a bit excited. Went lunch at an Indian veggie restaurant...hmmm new experience. I don't really eat Indian food, I like Chinese ones more. Got back at 8pm, but went lepaking with UM girl at Secret Recipe. Chatted with her, window shopping some more, and got back to Putrajaya Sentral at 10 something. Walked from Sentral to my flat, took around 10 minutes. Mind you, it was night time and I was walking alone.

Jumaat 18 Sept. I decided to sleep in my new room in KL tonight. So I brought along my luggage and walked from my flat to Putrajaya Sentral. That was a torture. Got on KL Transit to KL Sentral, put my stuff inside a locker there, then I went to work. More briefings...CAN YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING?! Ugh. What the hell. Are you expecting us to remember everything and absorb them like a sponge? We're human being, goddammit! We're tired, we're bored, our brains are already full! Ugh. Haha. But we were already warned before we apply the job before, that the learning curve would be very steep. Which mean...it'll be hell for the first few weeks on the job.

After that, got back from work at 7 something, bumped into kak Qay, brought my luggage to Bangsar by LRT, luckily the new place I'm staying got an elevator. Cause I ain't shoving my stuff up the stairs, no sir! After sending my luggage up, went out to Nu Sentral again and bought a table fan. That salesman guy's being nice. Brought that large box, home back to LRT Universiti, cleaned up the room (so full of dust! Acchoo!) took a shower, went to sleep at almost 11.30pm. I hadn't finish arranging my stuff in the wardrobe yet. Malam tu nak tido, dok terngiang-ngiang suara orang putih dari Amsterdam yang dok bagi briefingkat workplace aku tu. Banyak sangat dengar diorang membebel sampai nak tido pun ada lagi. Bengong.

Sabtu 19 Sept. Woke up at 7.34am. SH*T. You know what, I have a bus to catch at 8.30 in Pekeliling station, and it would take 25mins by monorail. My God...can I make it? Without taking a shower or even wash my face, I emptied my luggage back, reloaded it again with stuff I need, put on something appropriate (wihtout even ironing them!), and went out, rushing to find a taxi. Got on one, arrived at Pekeliling at 8.15am, and guess what? My bus at 8.30 was on fire on its way to KL. I mean, it broke down in the middle of the road and caught on fire. Orang kat kaunter tu tak bagitau pape pun! Mangkok betol. Naseb baik aku dengar ada orang tanya, bas 8.30 dah sampai belum? Lepas tu dapat refund duit, beli tiket Bulan Restu pukul 11. Damn. Kau tau tak aku ni dengan tak mandinya, tak gosok gigi nya, rushing datang sini nak kejar bas...tengok-tengok dapat tiket pukul 11. Kepala hotak kau.

Ada bas ke Kuantan pukul 9.30, tapi tiket dah habis. So aku tunggu depan bas tu, jumpa drebar die kata kalau ada kosong aku nak naik. Naseb baik pakcik tu supportive. Aku pun baca doa, selawat Ar-Razzaq banyak-banyak, tengok-tengok ada seat kosong aku boleh masuk. Seat single pulak tu. Alhamdulillah.

Ni dah sampai rumah, kena tolong sebab ada kenduri pulak. Ahad petang dah kena balik KL semula. Pekejadah balik sekejap je ni. Lepas tu next week tiga hari bekerja aku kena angkut barang selebihnya dari Putrajaya lagi. Pastu balik raya haji lagi.

Ugh. Kau tau tak. Tak, takde orang tau, sebab aku tak bagitau sape-sape pun. Aku buat sorang tau tak. Aku buat sorang, mangkok. Aku stress tau. Tak, kau tak tau. Aku stress. Tapi kau tak tau. Kau tak tau. Kau tak tau. Kau tak tau. Sebab aku tak bagitau. Buat apa aku nak bagitau? Kau boleh datang tolong ke?

...

Haaa...okay, sorry. I was stressed. I need to let this out.

Tabahlah wahai jiwa.

Bismillah.

Allahu.

Allahu.

Dugaan. Hmm. Allah bagi.

Allahu. Tabahlah wahai jiwa.

Kenapa aku cakap tabah, bukan sabar? Sebab bagi aku, sabar adalah untuk sesuatu yang kita tahu ada penghujung. Tabah, untuk sesuatu yang kita belum pasti mana penghujungnya, atau untuk sesuatu yang memang kita dah kata pada diri, kita akan bertahan menghadapinya tanpa cuba mengubahnya.

Sebab bila aku nak mengubahnya...rasa pedih. Pikir tentang masalah ni pun dah sedih, kau ingat aku boleh maintain cool kalau aku luahkan?

Kalau fizikal, senang saja nak selesaikan. Tapi masalahnya berkaitan emosi dan perasaan.

Sedih kan?

Dah lah, aku dah pasrah.

Macam aku cakap tadi, dugaan. Tabahlah wahai jiwa.

"Fala taqullahuma uffin."

Allah. Allah. Allah. 

Tahan.

Tahan. Janganlah sekali-kali terkeluar. Allah marah.

...Allah.

Tapi sedih, tau tak.

Hmm.

Syurga bawah tapak kaki mak.

...

Bertahanlah. Bertahan. Bertahan. Ni takde apa ni. Benda kecik je.

Benda kecik je.

...

Tahan je.

Tapi pedih. Tau tak? Pedih...tau tak?

Pedih...

...tau tak?

...

Allah tau.

Mamat omputih interview.

Bismillah.

Jumpa orang putih harini.

Huh. What's so good about them anyway?

Hah, speaking dah aku. Aduhhh...tetiba aku pun dah berjangkit dengan diorang.

Seriously, what's so good about them? Ingat orang kalau terer speaking dah boleh bangga la? Ingat diri dah lebih tinggi berbanding orang lain la?

Argh. Entah kenapa, notion tu dah melekat dengan orang yang speaking berminyak (lancar) ni. Mungkin sebab orang Amareka ni memang macam tu. Kan diorang punya culture tu very high confidence. So kita pun kaitkan bahasa diorang dengan high confidence diorang ni.

Aku, bila aku speaking, aku akan rasa mampu untuk berfikir lebih rasional. Ada artikel mana tah aku baca, memang cakap macam tu pun. Kalau bercakap dalam bahasa kedua yang bukan mother tongue kita, pemikiran kita akan jadi lebih rasional, logikal dan objective.

Huh...sebenarnya aku nak melepaskan perasaan pasal interview aku tadi. Relax je interviewnya, macam berborak. Macam mesra plak si Mike tu sengih-sengih dengar aku cerita. Tapi bila sampai bab soalan screening test yang aku tak dapat jawab tu...hah senyap kau. Kau berdua senyap. Aku pun senyap. Sebab kau suruh aku jawab soalan yang memang aku tak dapat nak jawab! Yang kau pergi tanya lagi tu buat apa, mangkok?! Haaa kan aku dah geram. Lepas tu tengok-tengok jam, buat muka bosan, minum air. Hoi kau saja nak test psychological aku ke ape haa? Aku pun dahaga gak!

Huh. Mana la aku tau apa kau nak! Tambah lagi pulak aku ni bukan ada pengalaman analyse market pon. Dah kau carik fresh grad, memang la takde pengalaman, mangkok! Haa kan da kena kali kedua. Dah aku tak tau, ajarlah! Yang kau malas sangat nak ajar tu kenapa? Macam mana nak build human capital yang boleh berkerja untuk company kau kalau kau taknak spend time on training newcomers? Kau ingat aku reti nak suruh correcting outliers and changing data semua? Mana ada lecturer ajar soh kita tukar data supaya boleh fit presentation supaya graph jadi beautiful! Arghh.

Haaa...entahlah. Aku pun dah tak tau aku nak ke tak kerja tu. Nanti kena ngadap Mike ngan Iskandar tu lagi. Pastu ofis nanti kena tukar tempat pulak. Lagi-lagi pulak tu company Amareka. Ke UK entah. Macam mana aku nak jaga Islam aku? Kerja kat UIA dulu best. Bulan puasa je ada program-program yang staf kena ikut. Kena gilir-gilir bagi tazkirah. Tempat solat, nak solat pun takdela sorang-sorang. Kerja cleaner kat UIA pun bagus. Makcik-makcik kleaner dia pagi-pagi baca matsurat, pasang Yasin kat henpon. Mengajar kat Ihsan, pagi-pagi pasang doa Dhuha. Kalau tak, memang aku tak hapal doa tu camna. Pertukaran masa kelas pulak guna surah al-'Asr. Budak-budak baik, tazkirah, nasyid...hmmm. Nak dapat semua tu dekat kampeni international? Sensorang je la aku. Rasa macam seekor biri-biri dikalangan serigala.

Argh, bukan main banyak aku buat blunder tadi. Argh, dengan strangers lagi senang la aku nak bukak pekung. Sebab diorang ni strangers! Strangers aku dah takkan jumpa lagi lepas aku cerita secret aku! Argh. Apa yang aku dah buat ni. Argh sebab ni la aku dah taknak keje tu lagi huhu.

Allahuakbar. Tak tahu lah. Aku rasa baik aku meniaga nasik lemak ke. Ada pekdahnye jugak. Hari-hari kenyang dengan nasik lemak, takyah pikir nak masak apa. Betul tak?

Phone call

Bismillah.

Oops, I did it again.

So I went, so I passed good, they said.

They called me this afternoon. 'Michael' called me. I was...unprepared.

What the hell. It felt like everything was sudden. I couldn't really understand what he was saying on the phone. Then he asked me questions.

"What interests you to work in Seabury?"

"I...uhh...I...because of the job description...uhh...wait a second...(moves to somewhere quiet) uhh...sorry, I'm nervous."

"Okay. So, why do you think you're fit for the job?"

Sh*t. This is the question that will trap me.

"Uhh...because I can work with a lot of data, and um...the job description...fits my qualification and uhh...I'm an analytical person...uhh...um."

What.

Sh*t.

How can I explain my capabilities? Kalau aku cakap gebang-gebang pun, how would you know that I'm not just all talk and no proof? How do you even measure your capabilites when you have no work experiences?

Ugh. I believe in just showing it, demonstrating it to you rather than talking about it. I fail at talking charmingly.

After believing that I was making myself to sound stupid through the phone, Michael said something about interview on next Monday. Heck, where? Am I invited or not? I don't think I got an email for that. Then he said thank you, and I thanked him back, so much, and he said "No, thank you for your time for this phone call. Okay. All the best, and have a good day."

All I can say was..."Thank you." Come on, at least say "Good day to you too."!

Argh. Sometimes I dread the fact that I can't talk like some people who can talk other's pants off. But I am what I am. My mind works brilliantly, words searched and organized into sentences...but they fail to be hatched. An analogy is like when you work hard to produce something to sell, but you couldn't market it. 

Argh. God. Then I went into the toilet and cried. God, please. I feel like I'm cursed with interviews like this. Huh. I know, I'm not well exposed with the ways of talking. If prepared, hell, so confident I seem in front. But once you ask a question that I don't expect, there, you caught me. My words would stumble right away.

And this was just the phone call, not yet the interview.

God.

Of course, all I can do is leave whatever happens to Allah. Accept whatever he gives me. And try to forget that blunder I made, and stop thinking about the interview. Just...go crash it.

Fear of working

Bismillah.

Dear Allah.

What if I don't wanna work?

...

People all around me saying no...you can't do that...it's bad for you...

Yeah, I know. I hate myself for it. But still, I want the same thing. I don't wanna work.

Then what do I want to do?

...

I don't know.

I'm happy with what I'm doing right now. Currently, I'm writing on a project, now it's reaching 70k words. I know, it's not much. Heck, I know, I'm a fuuing amateur, noob, beginner...call on me whatever you want. But I love it.

I love what I do. I love writing. Heck, even though people may dislike it. Maybe what I wrote doesn't make sense. But I like it. Even if sometimes I face writer's block. Even if sometimes I feel down because my story isn't like other box office pecah panggung story. Even if my characters aren't likable. But I stupidly fall for them. I feel for them.

...

Is it wrong?

Is it wrong for me to at least have something that I like to do?

Heck, I don't think I can like doing something this long. I maybe have interests in a lot other things, but mostly those interests just fade over time.

But writing remains.

So what if I like to write?

Let me blame my past. I took a fuuing Math course even though I like writing. You know what, I listed English as a first choice when filling up the form to apply for university, but my mom then told me to change it to Physical Sciences instead.

Heh.

I don't blame my mom. If I want to blame someone, it's most probably be myself. Maybe I'm not stong enough with my conviction. I didn't tell my mom about my interest. I'd just listen to whatever she said like a good daughter I am.

Hell, a good daughter? Now that I'm not working and fuuing lazying around the house doing fuuing nothing...I know. She probably despises me. Fuu.

Children don't know their parents' feelings, huh? Don't think that the children don't feel hurt by not knowing your feelings.

Fuu. Whatever.

I love to write. So what. That doesn't change ANYTHING.

 I need to move out. Rent a room, make the room absolutely mine. Fill it with a drum set, drawing tutorials and art supplies, access to internet for me to learn drumming, drawing and Japanese...writing as a hobby...

But first I'd need to get a job. Just being a cleaner is enough. Provided I don't have to drive to work. Even better if I could walk to my work place. But as a woman it might be hard. Fuu.

Ughhh. Even applying for a cleaner job is fuuing frightening? Why???

I'm afraid of getting rejected.

Getting rejected outside and even inside the house...somehow makes you feel like you could slice a knife on your arm, right? Then you watch that red blood flows freely down your white skin...it almost tempts you to lick it.

You'd feel happy.

Because at least with that cut you can finally express the pain inside. The pain is physicalize, if that's even a word. And a physical pain is something others would worry about. They don't know anything about the pain inside. They can't see it.

They can't fuuing see it.

But what's the need for that, right? Why would they need to see the pain inside? Would they care? Yeah, I know, I absolutely know that they have pains inside, too. So why would they care? They have their own problems they need to solve. Why would they care about others?

Fuu.

I wish I could crumple this stupid fear I'm feeling, crush it down under my feet and stomp on it like a crazy butch. Then I'd stomp out, go apply for that cleaner job and fuu them if they still reject me.

Then I'd quietly slice my arm inside the toilet and let the blood flow with a snicker on my lips.

...

God.

God.

God.

Oh Allah.

I don't know.

I don't know a thing.

You know everything.

God.

I don't even know what should I ask from You.

Lemme just...

Lemme just ask for Your help.

Is that okay?

I...

I don't know.

I'm just a fuuing stupid human being who isn't appreciated.

Heck, maybe there's even not a thing in me that could be appreciated.

...karappo.

Just...sit here.

"Hey Naqi."

"..."

"Yeah...I know. Dah lama aku tak datang sini kan?"

"..."

"Naqi."

"..."

"Kau dah tak nak jadi kawan aku ke?"

"..."

"Okay then."

"..."

******************************

Senang.

Senang aku nak lupakan orang.

I know I can do that.

But feelings...are hurt.

Not just yours, mine, too.

But I sort of ignore.

Or not know what to do with it.

...give up on me?

I totally get it, that I'm not friendly like others.

I get it.

So...it's okay.

It hurts.

I do want to be accepted.

But maybe that's too much to ask. (^_^;)

Therefore I'll sit here quietly.

Just...sit here.