Placed in a new place.

Bismillah.

Allahuakbar.

Allah letakkan aku di tempat baru.

Aku dapat kerja.

Aku tak sangka yang aku boleh dapat kerja.

Lepas habes belajar tahun lepas, I was stuck in a rut. You know, that quarterlife crisis?

Haha.

Argh, senang cerita, I was in a depression. For 6 month or something.

How did that depression happened, you ask? Heh, kau bayangkan, kau dok terperap kat rumah, kawan tak ramai, it's like your social life just got cut. You are now seekor katak bawah tempurung.

You know, being the only katak bawah tempurung is pretty lonely. You read through FB just to make yourself feel like you're still in the circle.

Huh. An illusion like you're socializing, when it's only one-sided. Macam bercakap dengan tembok. Tembok mana boleh reply to anything you said. Lainlah kalau ada orang di sebalik tembok tu. Dengar lah jugak suara yang membalas. Atau mungkin hantu. Haha.

Then, as usual, dah habis belajar mestilah mau carik kerja. Apply sana sini, satu pun tak dibalas. Your family will start questioning (and nagging) too. Haa...masa ni lah you'll start questioning yourself. Aku ni teruk sangat ke sampai tak ada sapa-sapa nak ambik aku kerja? Now here...is the time where your confidence starts to crumble. You'll feel so bad, it's basically depression. Lel, self prescription. Heh, aku yang memang tak ada confidence pun ni...bayangkanlah how deep I fell down into the well that time.

Having no outside input, having a closed view on the world, desperately trying to be accepted into the corporate world...God, I was desperate but yet I was paralyzed with imaginary fears! I didn't talk to people, I was scared! I smiled at them, secretly wanting them to just reach out to me...but...

Huh. Sekarang baru aku paham lagu-lagu Jepun yang layan feeling tu. Haha.

Sept 2014 I worked as a replacement teacher at my own brother's secondary school. Heh. Sekolah budak nakal. For the first week I had this frown on my face every day after getting off from work. I cried once. Heh. Guess what? I worked there only for 2 weeks. Lol. Because I registered late, I came in at the end of 3-months period that teacher I was replacing took her leave.

Somewhere in Jan 2015 I got an invitation for an interview from the government. It was from Jabatan Perangkaan, for a job position that would fit SPM leavers more than graduates. But hell, I (stupidly) applied for it so they called me. Kerja macam budak bancian tu la. Datang interview lambat sebab carik parking. Masuk-masuk tengok aku sorang je tengah hari tu. Kejadah. Anxious la aku. Masuk bilik  interview je terus aku nangis. For the whole interview. And another half an hour in the car after the interview.

Yeah, yeah you can laugh, that's perfectly fine. I know it's pretty unreasonable for what I did there, but I want to emphasize my situation back then. I spent most of the time inside the house for...hmm almost 8 months? Like I said, I cut off my own social life. And when the time comes for me to meet people and to impress them, you think I can do it? Damn, of course I couldn't. Macam you learnt a skill, Photoshop, playing guitar or something, but then you stopped doing it for a year. Of course you would stumble if one day you need to do that again.

Then in Feb 2015 I decided to just damn, hell with it. I'm gonna apply for a job as a cleaner at UIA. Damn yes I did. And I was happy to try it out. I went to meet the supervisor with a conviction that I meet her because I want to. Not because of someone else. And I happily worked there, being friends with the makciks, they were so nice, the job was so simple, not stressing at all...but then, I worked only for only 8 days.

WTH. Actually now I'm questioning myself...WHY? Haha.

If I liked the job so much, then why did I quit? Hah. Yep, I guess I'm stupid. I quit because I allegedly wanted to continue my study into master level. I was kidding myself back then. I was spending too much time looking at students and dreaming of how their life is much more fun and much less responsibility. Heh. Kerja nak lari je aku ni. I wanted to still be a student. I was unable to move on.

So I dealt with all the forms, paid the processing fees, met the lecturer, spent some time at the master students' room, reading notes bla bla bla...tak sampai 2 bulan pun. I quit, again. Say whatever you want, I don't wanna do that anymore. Maybe I will continue my studies into masters degree, but maybe not now.

I was feeling a bit better by then, having a job of my own choice. I guess you can say that it was the first step of me trying to get out of my depression. After that, in Jun 2015, a year after I finished my studies, I got a temp job with the government at Putrajaya. Lol. Who would've thought...now that I think about it, actually I was lucky to have experiences to work there. At Putrajaya, with the Ministry of Science man! Heh. Aku nak tunggu Bajet 2016 tu keluar nanti. Ada ke tak input yang aku sediakan untuk department aku. Haha.

Working at Putrajaya, you can say that was the bottleneck of the rut I was staying in. I needed to get out of the bottle, so being able to move to Putrajaya can be considered as an effort to do just that. Yep, it was damn hard I was stuggling in a battle that no one can see. And still, the scars from the battle are paralyzing me sometimes. But hey, at least this is a new beginning, right?

Who said it was easy trying to start a new life? I was alone there. Heh. I thought I was strong, but inside I desperately crying for a partner. I tried to be strong, stiffen up my upper lips, but heh, who am I kidding? I don't wanna hide my feelings. If I'm lonely, then I'm lonely. If I don't have lots of friends, if I'm not so friendly, if I don't know how to maintain a friendship for long, then, hell, let it be. I am an imperfect human being. I make mistakes. I can't please everyone. You're gonna get hurt by me. You're gonna hate me. If you do, if you can't accept me for who I am, well, yeah it hurts, it will make me sad. But what can I do? What happens, happens. It's who I am. You can hate me for what I do, but it's my life I'm living, not yours.

That job at Putrajaya was only for 2 and a half months. Well, one more week and it'll be 3 months. The contract period was supposed to be 3 months actually, but it didn't really matter so I can quit whenever I want. Many thanks to God, He sent me to be with good people there. They are very accepting. Lots of things I should be grateful from that job. But then...

I decided to just try again. Try again, applying for jobs. Have been receiving emails from JobStreet on the matching jobs description, and one day I just noticed this one post looking for a data analyst. Hmm interesting. Without thinking of anything, I decided to just apply for it. At first of course I was scared, I had doubts, should I really apply for this...? Then I thought, hell, kalau previous applications returned nothing, then it is probable that I won't be receiving any reply from this one too. Heh, kalau tak dapat reply lagi bagus,I wouldn't have to worry about anything.

Then...oh my Allah, an email came in, inviting me for a screening test. My jaw dropped. How did I...? Why...what...I...I couldn't say anything. Speechless. Huh. Okay, relax...it's just a screening test. Screening test is fine, because it was just a test. You don't have to meet people. You'll just have to fce the paper with your pen. That's it. So I was happy. Then...

After a few days, someone named Mike called me to say that I was invited for the first interview and that I passed the test. Wh-wh-wha--(The hell, I don't know what to say, I was anxious, felt like I've met a wall, why did you call me why do I need to talk why are you asking me question why is this so sudden aaarrrgggggghhhhhh!!!) Seriously. If I was to rate how I answered the phone call, I'd say 3 out of 10. It's not 0 just because I was still able to talk and I was at least talking in English. The rest of it...just mumbles, stutters, uh ah err...

Stress tau tak. Like I said, aku bukan pandai charm orang dengan perkataan aku.

So...I seriously don't know how I passed the first and the second (final) interview. How I felt like I could burst into tears just before I walked into the interview room, but suddenly that feeling just disappeared and I was talking smoothly. I mean, it went okay, I'd give it 6.5 out of 10. But really. It went okay. I said it went okay, because I didn't cry. God, that was a miracle, you know! It was a big step trying to get out of my depression!

But really. I was having doubts after the final interview. Syarikat baru nak bukak kat Malaysia. Colleagues pulak semua non muslim. Everyday kena speaking. Macam mana, mampu ke aku jaga Islam aku? Aku pun doa, ya Allah, kalau Kau bagi aku kerja ni, maka aku berserah, sebab itu yang Kau bagi aku. Itu yang Kau aturkan untuk aku. Tapi kalau kerja ni tak elok, maka aku juga serah pada Kau. Kau tau mana yang terbaik untuk aku. Dapat atau tak dapat, Allah juga yang pegang semua kuasa.

Dan Allah aturkan...untuk aku dapat kerja tu. Sekarang, dah sebulan aku kerja kat sini. Heh. Baru sebulan. Dugaan memang ada, tapi mampu aku katakan yang mula kerja ni tak terasa beban sangat. Heh. Masa mula-mula start kerja tu aku nangis, tapi bukan sebab kerja. Tapi sebab stress pindah rumah, buat kerja bodoh angkat barang sorang-sorang dari Putrajaya ke KL naik train. Tolong lah argh aku menyusahkan diri sendiri betul. Aku stress dalam 3 minggu jugak lah, tapi stress tu bukan sebab kerja.

Hmm. Kerja tu nampak agak demanding jugak, tapi it still gives some leeway, it still gives you time and space for you to learn. Bila aku pikir balik, sungguh ke Allah nak aku kerja ni? Bayangkanlah, masa interview tu aku cakap relax je, selamba je speaking. Sedangkan aku expect aku akan menggelabah, stutter, nervous, aku expect aku akan nangis...but I didn't. Seriously, I think Allah was really helping me to go through it smoothly. 

So far, I'm happy to see lots of numbers instead of text. Well, bila time dia suruh buat research dan baca pasal industry news tu aku tak berapa suka la. And the manager might be a demanding person with lots of expectations (urgh!), but so far it's okay. Colleagues from Amsterdam pun seem okay...hmm. Tak berani nak cakap banyak, sebab baru sebulan aku kerja sini. Heh. But you'll never know, right? Entah-entah lagi 2-3 bulan aku dah start benci. Haha. We'll see. Kalau aku dah benci nanti, aku tulis lagi kat sini ea? Haha.