Tired...of cooking.

Bismillah.

God...I want a break.

From life.

This recent Raya season was sooo hectic.

At least for me.

I guess because I was feeling responsible.

Like a mother feeling responsible for all the celebration going on in the house.

Well, not all.

Because my mother is already old, and not that well, so I feel like I have to rile up my siblings to help out with house chores.

And all the cooking...phew 😮‍💨

5th of April I was working, and they all went for iftar at the masjid so I didn't cook and ate whatever they brought back from there.

But 6th Apr the sahur morning, I woke up to cook sup sawi even though I was not fasting.

Then 6th April iftar, I cooked sup Thai and my sister cooked tempe goreng with sambal penyet.

That nigh we went around bazar, shopped for some fireworks and my brother's raya clothes.

7th April sahur, apparently they didn't have enough leftover rice to eat because my youngest brother ate them during midnight 😑

Went to Sunday morning market with mom.

7th April iftar, my mom cooked kengsom. My brother complained about eating weird menus 😑 Also, I cleaned the paru my mom bought at pasar pagi, cut my finger with the butcher knife 😖 damn hurt I didn't dare to open the bandage for 2 whole days!

8th April iftar, my mom cooked paru and requested me to cook kabsah rice, since she had the kabsah spice mix she bought from a while ago. At the same time, masjid was inviting people to come iftar there, they were having kabsah rice too, sponsored by some restaurant or catering or something. I had to compete apparently 😂 Even though I've never cooked kabsah before, and near iftar time the rice was almost not fully cooked, but at the end, all was well and no complaints 😌... Mom used a roundabout way to compliment me (while at the same time criticizing me, typical), saying why you're good at cooking but lazy to cook back in KL?

And, again, that older brother of mine, always had things to pick on, said he wanted to eat something he's familiar with. Bro just went blind, ignoring all my sweats and tears cooking for hours in the kitchen 🙄

9th April sahur my mom finally made singgang because that brother requested, and I woke up to cook some veggies, then went back to sleep without eating lol

9th April iftar I cooked mee lidi goreng basah, which that brother of mine complained again (!) saying why is it not the dry version. Like bro, cook yourself la! 😡 Also, I stubbed my big toe while cleaning up the house and moving furniture, it hurt like hell and was bleeding, yet no one knows because I DIDN'T TELL!

And people dare complain so much!!! GRRRRR

Then 10th April, 1st day of Raya we cooked nasi lemak, I got the sambal bilis and sambal sotong ready. My sister dared leaving the nasi uncooked and went to the mosque, like, hey! You left your responsibility to us, when we wanted to go to the mosque too!!! GRRRRR 😡

But, my sambal was so good that my brothers' wives loved it.

11th April 2nd day raya, my mom made laksa. I got so tired of cooking by now, I didn't cook anything except helping mom with cutting veggies and boiling eggs. Balik kampung balik hari, then masak nasi a bit when arrived back home, these people tumpang2 my nasi (like they don't know how to cook it on their own 🙄)

12th April 3rd day Raya, we got guests coming, stopping by our house before entering the highway back to KL. Didn't really cooked, just prepared some nasi himpit, kuah kacang, sate, serunding for them to eat.

13th April, another guest from Pekan came, ManDak. I made mee hoon sup.

14th April, another guest from Pekan, Kamil AcuDin. We made mee curry. Well, my mom made the curry, we prepared whatever else needed.

15th April. Woi, harini aku dah balik KL. Penat gila full week asyik masak aje. Naik fedup pun ada. Nasib baik sebelum balik, adik aku buat kerapu sweet sour. Tu pun aku yang goreng dulu kerapu nya.

Haaa

Nasib semua sedap

Banyak resepi refer Che Nom punya Youtube aje.

Thanks Che Nom <3

Being liked, or hated.

Bismillah.

Currently, I'm sort of thinking if people like me or hate me.

It spurred after reading a Reddit post about some MBTI type (probably INFJ?) bashing his/her ISTP partner for things that they do. They said ISTPs are egocentric, not clear of their own feelings, selfish, arrogant, cold etc. etc...

Well, I am ISTP.

And it hurts reading that.

Sure you may say to just ignore what the internet said, not everything on the internet is correct.

But still, doesn't hurt if I do some self-reflection, right?

Hah, ISTP doing self-reflection. That's a good thing.

So I started thinking. Do people hate me?

I started looking around. Is there anyone around me who hates me?

I don't think so. Annoyed, maybe. Hate? So far none, unless they're being really discreet about it.

People in my office like me. At least that's what I think, so far, after coming to the office every Wednesday and greeting them, chatting with them all around. I even organized an escape room session over a weekend, some of the colleagues I went with greet me with a smile every time they see me in office. Before this, we don't even look at each other.

That's a good thing, right?

Heck, I'm also still good friend with one of my colleagues from old company, also, chatted another one in LinkedIn. So far, all good with them.

Friends from uni time. I am good friend with one. Her birthday coming soon, so gotta go order a gift for her. And also, contacted another one that I haven't been contacting since a few years, asking if free for a chitchat or coffee (unfortunately she's not free). Hmm, don't know if it's because she's uncomfortable with me, but I'm pretty sure it's just her circumstances currently.

I think I was pretty good during my uni years. During foundation years we built a good team with FRC. Then during bachelor degree years, I got pretty good with my course mates, they elected me to be asst. lead for the batch that one time. And some of the lecturers are pretty okay with me too (in particular that one Madam teaching Stats class). Erm I guess except Prof Torla? Haha. (because I didn't like his Peer/Problem-based learning style) and because I think he noticed I was silently rebelling.

Now, in my high school years...huh. I don't know what went wrong there haha.

My lower secondary school, I guess that went fine, it was filled with my efforts trying to fit in because I was in a boarding school. My parents were close i.e. they could come fetch me once in a while since the school was just 2 hours away from home. In the dormitory I know there were some people who might've disliked me because I was a prefect (hah!), but those same people, the ones who I knew talked bad about me behind my back, they were the ones who actually helped me when I had a bad fever (my family didn't even know). Shocking, isn't it? I'm not angry at them anymore. And I hope they're not angry at me too. But other than them, I think my classmates were pretty nice and okay, too.

Now, upper secondary school...I moved to a different school. More elite...I guess? Still boarding school.

And guess what, I think this was the one real time when I felt disliked.

Form4/16y.o., it went by so fast I couldn't remember much about it. What I did remember was my homeroom teacher's disappointed face seeing my AddMaths result (it was a D or something). Well, fair enough, she would be disappointed since I was in the first-rank class, where we were supposed to be geniuses and maintain our good grades.

Come second year, Form5/17y.o., there I was, still in first-rank class (but I probably ranked last in that class haha). During the first AddMaths test to check if we remember last year's topics, guess what I got?

Zero.

Yep, all questions answered wrong. And guess what face did my homeroom teacher make? Haha.

I guess since then she targeted me as a problematic student.

I think she might be an ESTJ/ISTJ/xxTJ combo which was so strict, and expect others to perform up to their standards. One time, she organized some sort of personality quiz based on colors (green, orange, blue, gold? idr), and she was so proud of those who got the same primary color as her, which was Green/Gold, which meant that they are followers of rules, systematic, orderly, intellectual thinkers etc etc. She then mentioned something about those who got Blue, that they needed to watch out or something? like it's a bad thing, because Blue represents those who are more into feelings and emotions. I was scared to admit that I got Blue as my secondary color. Well, my primary color wasn't her favourite either, Orange means I am spontaneous, fun and enjoys adventure.

There was also a time when she invited for a one-on-one session with each of us before the big exam (SPM), each of us needs to go set up appointment and meet her alone in her room. And guess what? I think I'm the only one who didn't bother, or too scared to go meet her. That's how I felt about her, my homeroom & AddMaths teacher.

Meanwhile my classmates...hah, most of them got Green/Gold as primary colors. No wonder I felt ostracized, though they might not mean it. Or did they? I did feel comfortable enough with one girl who got same primary color as me, but the rest of them...hmm. I guess our preference clashed there, rule-follower vs. rule-breaker haha.

They were the studious ones, while I was the wild one.

And I do think that most of the guys in that class might have hated me. One occasion was that we had to act out the drama script in our BM literature class, the teacher told the guys that some of them would need to redo it because their dialogues were too short. Then they protested, mentioning my character and said that I would need to redo it too because my character just kept repeating similar lines.

I guess it's fair that they protested, but to single me out from the other girls...I guess they disliked me that much.

And then the other time where the teacher (yep, same homeroom teacher) was holding a meeting for the class, sort of like to air out our disagreements about the class and stuff. And again....guess what, they singled me out. They said I was loud in class, whenever teacher asked if we understand what was being taught, I would reply yes if I understood. And they hated that. Of course, it's fair, they reasoned that they didn't understand yet, so me, answering yes to what the teacher asked, caused them to miss out on whatever's the teacher was teaching.

I think they could've just asked the teacher if they don't understand, why would they blame me for replying to what the teacher was asking?

Then, would it be better if I kept quiet, and left the teacher unanswered, facing the whole class that was so quiet?

Heck, I did have experience teaching a first-rank class during my teaching practicum, and let me tell you, it's sometimes scary that no one answered me when I asked them if they understood me or not. It made me question if I'm teaching human beings or robots.

To my defense, I don't want to leave the teacher hanging. Me, answering yes to them, at least help encourage them. Heck, that one Stats lecturer madam during my uni time would often search for my face in class, because I always answered her questions with the yesses or with confused looks. Because I think for her, I am an easy feedback. It helps her teaching as well. And the fact that she often looked for me makes me happy, like I'm wanted in the class. And I'd like to believe that she liked me as her student as well.

You know, IIRC I cried during that session, that meeting/disagreement session during high school. Because I was standing alone while everyone else was sitting, and blaming me. There was only this one guy, one guy who dared to disagree with his mates, saying that it was okay for me to keep saying my yesses to teachers, agreeing with my reasoning. But he was the only guy, and I think the other guys were glaring at him when he said that. I had a brief crush on that guy.

See, people remember how you make them feel, not what you said or what you did.

Other than my classmates, I think I fared better in the dorms. Ya know, my dorm girls were so kind and nice they appointed me to be assistant leader again...though I didn't think it carried much weight. It was just a title. Other than that, I do admit I was overall pretty weird, but I was good with them girls, happily going around visiting other rooms, being friendly with them, joining nasyeed and drama competition etc. etc. I was still wild, going alone to the city, waking up late and coming late to the surau and stuff...but I think I was pretty liked.

Though I do admit, I was immature that time,  compared to my other friends. I made a lot of mistakes, I was childish as well. But I enjoyed being childish. Being intentionally childish helped me bond closely with my late father. I don't like to lose my childishness and grow up so fast. My childhood was fun, and being an adult just sucks.

All that said, I think I'm pretty much okay. Not hated. I do hope I don't have horrendous traits that make people stay away from me. So far I'm the one who sort of stay away from people haha. Overall, other than those guys in my classroom, I don't remember times when I was singled out and attacked so brazenly haha. And I hope that time would never come again.

I guess, being smart but placed in the wrong place is worse than being average but placed with people who accept who you are. I guess, better to be the top student a low-ranked class than being the last student in top-rank class. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I'm too picky.

Bismillah.

So I am choosy.

Always have been, just started noticing it like 10 years ago, when I was trying to pick a backpack to buy. I can still remember my coursemates growing bored, waiting for me to choose what I wanted already. The problem was, I was trying to decide between 2 bags, each had features the other didn't have. 

In the end, I didn't even buy them. 

This trait of mine is even more obvious now that I'm older.

The story was, just today, I was pleasantly surprised to have found a pair of shoes that felt like mine the moment I saw it. 

I guess that's what people call as love at first sight? 

At first I saw it and thought, nice design. Nice colors. Then I tested its flexibility and it passed. Felt the material. Felt nice. The RM50 pricetag, too, was what I wouldn't mind paying. So far everything was perfect. 

Just so you know, this occasion is very rare. I am not one of those people who can straightaway buy a nice blouse or scarf or shoes whenever they see one. 

Now, moment of truth... to ask the retail assistant if my size was available. Usually shoes on sale like this will only have sizes that are either too small or too big. 

Turned out it was available. So she went and brought it to me, I tried it out in front of a mirror, and it felt like... it was mine already. Like I would wear it and use it right there and then. Everything clicks in place. Sure, there are one or two points of discomfort, but nothing untreatable if worn often. Sure, the design means it'll be hard to put on or take off quickly, but hey, it's the kind of design that I like so I'm willing to live with that. 

Well, granted that I've own a similar pair of sneakers a couple of decades back, it was one of my first shoes that I really like and stayed with me for quite a long time. I guess that's how I can recognize what I like, what I wanted in an instant, because I've had good experience in owning one similar to it. 

On the other hand, there's the purse. Actually my purpose of going out was to buy a purse, because my old one was so bad I'd be embarrassed everytime I took it out to pay for something. So I was desperate to have it replaced. 

I've been going almost everywhere, searching high and low for the perfect purse/wallet that would fulfill my very-specific-list of criterion. Yes, I even search at men's section, but their wallet designs are pretty much the same across the brands it's boring 🙄 and men's wallet only have zipper coin slots that is too small. See how specific I am?

The right height, the right thickness, the right material, the right color, the right cost, the right features... I wouldn't even tolerate some extra space or additional slots, because I wanted something simple, practical and minimalist. My old one was of the perfect size, but I can't go buy the same thing anymore because the shop closed down.

In the end, I settled for something that doesn't really 'clicks', but still fulfill some of my needs. I settled for something... less. The coin slot is what I wanted, it's a zipper, though it could be better. The size... eh, slightly bigger, not as tall as I wanted but at least it can still fit my pocket. Barely able to fit all my cards though, hopefully it won't break too soon each time I take out or push those cards back in. The material too is not of my liking, would like for something more sturdy and could withstand scratches. Oh well. But the price was okay, it was around RM50 as well.

You might ask why I didn't just buy online. I wouldn't like that, because I want to feel the material in my hand. I want to see it with my eyes, and compare it physically with my old purse. I want to see how thick it is, and whether it's bulging or not. I don't trust the measurements provided by those online

platforms, even 1cm larger could mean it wouldn't fit in my pocket.

Or maybe I'm too paranoid or exaggerating.

I guess this reflects my online dating attempts. I am really bad at texting, and it doesn't help that those men on there don't even bother writing more info about themselves on their profile. You see, over the internet I can't have a feel of what a person really like. I don't see their body language, I can't hear their tones when speaking, I can't gauge their facial expressions. 

Huh. I guess that's why I hate texting. Because it lacks all these 'sparkles' and 'decorations' that make it interesting. For me, texting is best only for exchanging information. I thought it is well known that more than half of our whole communication is through body language? 

So that's why I probably should take a break from OLD (OnLine Dating). It doesn't suit me. If I want to find a partner, maybe I need to go around finding them like I tried searching for a new wallet. Huh, and in the end, the wallet I got was only decent, but instead I found myself a perfect pair of sneakers.

Then maybe I should go around without the intention to date, because then I won't feel the urge to settle for less, like what happened with my purse hunt.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Once upon a time I was a VP, doing free work

Bismillah.

Just finished reading my old blog from when I was a Vice President of a Committee back during my pre-Uni years = Foundation Studies. I was trying to get some inspirations...being alone in this big city away from family for a few months inluding Raya(!) because of this Coronavirus, and work is giving me more trouble than normal...feels like giving up and doubting myself if I'm really useless like there's nothing worthy in me except for the work that I do...that kind of doubt.

So after reading it, I did feel slightly better. At least that's something. I'm thankful to my old self for jotting those all experiences down so that the current me can read it. Heck...that journal of what, 1.5 years being a VP2 in FRC (Facilitator Representative Committed), it's not beautiful or full of glitters or rainbow moments that you find in fairy tales. Let me tell you what that journal was filled with. It's filled with stories of me making a fool of myself.

But in a good way.

In that journal, I read through all the experiences I was going through from the first time being asked to lead (despite not having any experiences at all), to multiple times of me trying to conduct meetings and failed (thus making a fool out of myself in front of A LOT of people), to the mistakes that I did, and the things that I should've done but didn't, the things I regretted...so many of them. And that's just within the span of 1.5 years.

Heck I don't know how it happened, but it happened.

The first point, of me being asked to be a VP. Sure, there were talks on how someone else should've taken the role, but did they then? No, I stayed as VP. Because why? Because I said I was willing to. No one else was. One thing that inspires me after reading that journal is this part: when I asked a speaker in a motivational talk 'What's your opinion on a society which assigned someone to be leader even if she doesn't have the experience, because no one else is going to be?'. And the speaker said, 'As long as she's willing to. But support from team members are really important'.

Yes, from here I now understand that I'm doing this because I'm willing to. It's of my own choice, even though I know I don't like it, and much prefer to be doing something else. But I am doing this (work) for now because I'm willing to, for reasons. But it's hard. I realized that I got a TONS of support back then. My team members were all giving me words of encouragement. But now? What team members? What support?

...I'm on my own.

Seriously, come to think of it, that VP position was given to me because no one else wanted it. And now working in IT support, I am handling Cognos system alone because no one else wants to handle it. It's an old, outdated system that is going to be out of commission soon (heck not soon enough if you ask me, if it's really soon I would be uber happy to get it out of my hand. I need to support it until next friggin year), all the other team members are on board for the new shiny stuff that is tha thing...all the Big Data and Internet of Things that supposedly in demand right now. And here I am, handling this cursed buggy system. Alone.

The second point I learned from my old journal, was that I was more brave to make a fool of myself. People back then told me to do this and that...and I did, absolutely no questions asked. I went along, thus contributed to making me look like a fool. Did I learn something from it? I don't know honestly. All I remember was feeling a bit more confident at the end of the experiences. Even now when I read it I feel like some of the requests from the people might be a bit overwhelming, but somehow the old me just say yes and did it anyway. If you ask me, I would say that old me was pretty crazy...but this current me is admittedly too much of a coward. That much I will admit.

Too scared of making a fool out of myself again now. Too scared of making mistakes, as the consequences are much more damning now that you're an adult. When that bravery used to be the thing that defined who I was before. When I looked back at those pictures, you can see the fire in my eyes, you know? Now? I don't have to look into the mirror to see that the fire was dead long ago. No wonder one of my team members before had mentioned during a reunion, that the light in my eyes was no longer there. Really, mate? Life, that's what happened.

Amusing people. That's what I did back then, when I made a fool of myself. At least they were happy. Perhaps annoyed by some of my eccentricities, but amused, for the most part. And they accepted my eccentricities. That paid it for me. Their honest smiles. Sure, those mistakes I've made will stay with me as scars, but at least I got something out of it. Being in the committee we worked our backs off days and nights ignoring studies and assignments and homework...not to mention that we all did it without being paid!...Gosh...I got a C for my Math exam because of it...(well, partly because the classes were too much early mornings and too lengthy), I didn't study enough for it and perhaps I was too tired to care, during the exam I read through the questions and answered only a few, then just said screw this I'm not doing it anymore for the rest of the paper. No, I don't regret it. It was past my limit, and I knew it.

Now I'm asking myself: what am I doing? Scrambling to please all those users on all the issues brought forth by an old system that no one else cares about. Sure, you don't care about it but there are still users using it and I need to face them alone with no help at all?! Damn customer service. That's what I've gotten myself into. Yes, for all the stress I'm facing, at least I'm getting paid for it, compared to that journal story. But I lost my light along the way. Is it worth it?

Or is this called just being adult, and I just need to go along with it?

😔

My values.

Bismillah.

Does it make sense?

...No, for me it doesn't.

Does it make sense? Kenal sebab kawan kenalkan each other, then contact through WhatsApp, tanya soalan nak berkenalan dalam sebulan gitu...lepas tu jumpa beramai-ramai makan sama-sama.

That's it. Jumpa just once.

And time-time tu jugak kawan tanya, "So...bila nak jumpa mak bapak?"

....Kepala hotak dia.

Kawan kesayangan aku ni, Tapi ada jugak yang aku marahkan dia.

"Senang buat macam tu, nanti takdelah kenal lama-lama lepas tu tak jadi."

1. Tak adil. Kau sendiri kahwin dengan kawan yang kau kenal dari kecil. Even so, at some point in the past you were still not sure if you will marry him or not. Itu kawan dari kecik tau, aku ni? Baru first time jumpa.

2. Hati budi orang ni pun aku tak tau. Apa dia suka, apa dia tak suka. What's my likes and dislikes pun dia tak tahu. Nama penuh each other pun tak tau! And you think we should already make a move for the next step in relationship? What relationship?? At this point I don't even consider him as friends! And you want me to meet his parents already? WTH??

3. Not in line with my values. Orang macam aku, if I am to adopt/accept a certain learned knowledge/facts, I need to make sure it's in line with my own logic. Example: Kalau belaja Math, belaja mesti sampai faham dalam hati, dan dengan keyakinan. Kalau takat hafal, nope, won't work. Right now, you are telling me to just go on with it without conviction. And that's against my values.

Huh...

Maybe I should just stop this. Just tell them that I can't do it. I can't do what they expected me to do. Bukan salah mamat tu pun. He didn't do anything. Kawan-kawan yang pushy tanya so what's the next plan. Although I understand their view, but that doesn't necessarily mean I agree with them. I have my own values.

Kawin tanpa kenal betul-betul? Not my style. If I'm gonna marry, better marry with conviction. Sorry friend, I hope this won't affect our friendship.

Huh...perhaps it's just me. Aku yang nak kenal-kenal dulu. Kawan dulu. Maybe diorang punya perception lain, once I agree to meeting up, that means I want to proceed with the relationship. Maybe this part is where we misunderstood each other. Maybe it's worth clearing this up between all of us.

So first, I would need to be clear with that mamat. It's not his fault, just that if he's expecting the same thing, I would have to say no. I didn't agree to this with that kind of mindset. I need to ask him first what he thinks about it, before telling him my thoughts.

Second, let my friend know that I'm not going to go through with it. Like she said, better stop now that let it continue longer than it should. Tell her I'm not in this with marriage mindset.

Third, I need to setup a game plan on my own, if I want to search for some guy friends to get to know. Maybe this friend-introduce thing won't work as effective, especially since this guy is a close friend to both of them. So I would be seen as the bad guy if I did something wrong.

And all in all, ask God for guidance.

Hmm...what kind of game plan? Tinder? Out of the question. Those matchmaking websites? Don't know how far should I trust them. But right now I'm sure, I need to do this on my own. Doing it with help from others brings too much pressure.

Relax, you're not rushing to get married. You're happy with being single right now, it's just that you're curious on whether you would want to get married or not if you know some guy friends.

We'll see.

Kena ignored.

Bismillah.

Harini aku rasa apa yang aku penah buat kat orang dulu.

Kau tau, dulu aku pernah fedup sangat dengan sorang ni, aku buat dia macam tak wujud.

Padahal aku satu dorm dengan dia. Sebelum tu aku layan, kawan ngan dia elok je. Tetiba satu hari tak ingat sebab apa, aku terus rasa fedup, then terus aku decide time2 tu jugak aku dah taknak layan dia.

Sejak dari haritu, sampailah nak SPM, memang aku buat tak nampak je. Walaupun lah setiap malam ada baca alMulk ramai2, salam2, aku salam je tak tengok muka langsung.

Aku mengaku, sangat tak matured aku buat perangai macam tu. Ignore orang tanpa bagi tau sebab.

And you know what, sekarang baru aku tau macamana rasanya bila kau di ignore orang.

Officemate aku.

Kes dia macam ni. Aku ada meeting sekali satu team, tapi dia tak join sebab jawatan dia contract je, ada certain meetings bos cakap tak payah join.

So dalam meeting yang dia tak join ni, bos cakap nanti nak buat teambuilding ramai2. Dia tak tahu, sebab dia takde dalam meeting. Aku pulak takde la bagitau dia, sebab aku tak tau dia terlibat ke tak. Logik aku macam ni: kalau dia takde dalam meeting tu, bermaksud mungkin dia tak terlibat. Kalau betul dia terlibat, maka tugas bos la kena bagitau dia.

Pastu dalam office tu kitorang borak2 la pasal teambuilding...dia tanya borak pasal apa, aku jawab la ada event tu, acuh tak acuh aku jawab sebab aku rasa serba salah yang dia tak tahu and maybe tak terlibat jugak.

Pastu next day, kitorang receive email tanya saiz t-shirt untuk teambuilding tu.
 Dan aku check, nampak nama officemate aku ada sekali. Maksudnya dia terlibat la. Makanya aku pun start tanya dia pasal teambuilding. Dia pun start jawab acuh tak acuh. Aku dah perasan dia lain macam. Seharian tu aku cuba borak ngan dia, dia buat nak tak nak je.

Aku biarkan jela over the weekend tu ingat nak bagi dia bertenang dulu, pastu Ahad tu aku mesej dia. 'Ada terasa dengan aku ke? Kalau ada, aku mintak maaf la.' Dia tak baca pun aku rasa (takde bluetick).

Okay takpe, maybe dia marah lagi. Aku biar dulu 2-3 hari. Tak, dia takde cakap apa2 pun ngan aku. Tegur pun tak, pandang pun tak. Lepas tu aku tanya dia, marah lagi ke? Dia senyum2 kelat. Aku cakap, kalau nak cakap, bagitau je la. Macam nak bagitau yang aku ni open je la kalau bila2 nak cakap ke kan.

Aku mengaku, aku ni akwkward sikit bab2 confrontation ni. Dan aku pun cuba bersangka baik yang dia pun maybe sama akwkward dengan aku. Takpelah, aku cuba yang mana mampu.

Takde pun dia cakap apa2. 2-3 hari lepas tu aku cuba la layan dia macam biasa. Aku tanya dia tapau lunch ke? Sebab sebelum2 ni selalu jugak dia ikut aku makan kat foodcourt. Ha'ah, dia kata dia dah tapau. Aku dah agak dah. 2-3 hari jugak aku tanya dia. Dia tapau je dah sekarang.

Sekarang aku pulak rasa nak marah. Eh eh lama pulak nak terasa dengan aku. Cakapnya tak jugak. Aku dah cuba approach, dia nak merajuk lama2 pulak. Huh. Serius, aku dah geram. Aku dengan dia baru kenal 9 bulan. Bagi aku, ini belum sampai tahap yang aku panggil kawan tau. Serius, aku pikir, eii...takde masa aku aku nak main pujuk2 pulak. Engko sape nak expect aku layankan rajuk ko tu? Ko sapa nak aku stroke your ego? Dah aku pikir macam2. Dia anak bongsu. Anak bongsu memang macamni eh? Keras kepala, nak orang ikut cakap dia je.

Masa aku masih kawan ngan dia dulu, dia penah cerita pasal ada sorang orang kat office ni yang dia sangat tak suka. Kita panggil dia Z. Dia cerita la yang dulu dia penah tolong Z ni buat kerja, tapi tetiba ada something wrong dalam kerja dia sendiri.  Bukan salah dia pun, tapi memang bawah tanggungjawab dia. Yang dia marah sangat dekat Z ni, dia kata Z buruk2 kan nama dia atas kesalahan tu. Aku tak tau sejauh mana kesahihan cerita ni, sebab aku dengar dari mulut dia sorang je.

Tak lama lepas aku dengar cerita tu, aku terpikir, tak mustahil untuk benda yang sama jadi kat aku. Iaitu aku sebagai Z. Sebab, apa yang aku paham dari cerita dia, Z bagitau bos dia yang officemate aku ni yang in charge kerja yang rosak haritu. Aku rasa dia sebut nama je pun, dah memang kau yang in charge, nak sebut nama sapa lagi? Dia marah sebab si Z ni tak backup dia, sedangkan dia dah tolong Z buat kerja jugak.

Aku terpikir, entah2 tak mustahil aku terbuat benda yang sama. Ye la, kalau dah orang tanya siapa in charge, aku yang lurus ni kena la jawab siapa. Nak kona kata this is team effort apa? Maybe la aku akan kata benda dah tak jangka nak jadi, bukan salah dia pun. Tapi nama dia tetap akan naik jugak. Adakah itu pun dikira betrayal??

Aku ni dah la tak ada kawan keja kat sini. Dia pulak orang lama, dah kenal ramai orang. Aku dah suspek entah2 dia cerita kat orang lain apa yang aku dah buat kat dia. Ye la, cerita pasal Z tu pun dia dah jaja kat orang. Tak mustahil dia buat benda yang sama pada aku. Aku dengan tak ada kawan nya, kau rasa ada orang nak backup ke?

...

Aku tak sangka. Aku dok pikir2 benda ni. Adakah aku patut teruskan effort untuk approach dia? Tapi aku dah start geram ni. Aku rasa tak berbaloi nak spend banyak tenaga nak layan dia. Memang berkawan dengan dia banyak benefit, aku boleh network dengan kawan2 dia, and aku boleh tanya dia gosip2 office, tapi adakah aku mau terus kawan dengan dia?

Huh...pikir banyak2 pasal benda ni membuatkan aku rasa macam aku ni psychopath. Macam aku ni orang jahat pulak. Sebab aku dah malas layan feeling dia. Lantaklah aku sorang2 takde kawan ke, kau nak ajak member2 kau pinggirkan aku ke... lantaklah. Aku taknak spend too much effort on something that's not really worth it. Entah, aku pun tak tau adakah aku akan menyesal sebab tak berbaik2 dengan dia? Adakah aku akan continue keja kat sini tanpa kawan? Adakah aku takkan dapat buat kawan baru anymore?

 ...Tak tak tak. Aku masih boleh buat kawan. Cuma perlu cuba je. Worse comes to worse, aku akan missed out of team activities je la kalau aku memang tak ada kawan. Worse comes to worse, aku boleh berenti, carik keja lain. Kan?

***

Aku dah buat apa yang termampu. Selebihnya, serah pada Tuhan.

a lot going on

Bismillah.

I have a lot going on recently.

Suddenly. 

Hah. My life has been slow since last year I guess there's a need to stir it up a bit.

There's a saying: if you don't want to move/change, then life's gonna push you to, whether you like it or not.

One of the big ones: My brother's getting married. Well, two of them.

Which makes me think: what about me?

Hah. 'I'm being left behind' is my first thought. My family's won't be there anymore. They've gotten their own now.

I'm starting to feel more...lonely I guess. Haha I'm starting to think, how much lonelier can I get?

Two: We're moving to a new house.

Not just me, it's my family. We're moving to a bigger house since our family is expanding anyway.

Which means...a lot of cleaning and packing up stuff...spending money to buy new furniture...

Got me thinking: When am I gonna buy my own house?

Three: Weddings.

Well, who else? My brothers of course. I'm not the one who needs to plan anything, but there are some things that need to be discussed across our extended family members. Like who's going to the event, how many cars, where are we gonna stay, should we where clothes of the same color etc. etc....

It's not heavy, but just a bit awkward. Since it's 'extended' family so you don't really talk to them very often (meaning: rarely). 

And there's a lot of nuances you need to know, like, what's appropriate to say so that you wouldn't unintentionally hurt their feelings.

That't what making me anxious. It's like trying to cooperate with strangers, but you need to be more careful. Because if it's just strangers then they have nothing to do with you and you won't be meeting them afterwards, but since it's your distant relatives...well, they're your father's or you mother's family and you would be meeting them during gatherings and stuff. You can't avoid it.

I just...I guess I'm just uncomfortable. I'm just worried that their impression on me is bad, because I'm working in KL and I haven't been socializing with them that much, and I have been quiet...

sigh

I guess it's just me then.

Four: Weekend classes

I signed up for some classes on weekend, just to fill in my boring, uneventful life. Hah, now you'd think I regret it huh?

Nah, not really. Tiring, yes, but I don't regret it. Those classes help actually. Now I feel like I do have something, instead of feeling uselessly and endlessly going on a rat race working in a corporate world.

Just that I'm impatient I guess. Impatient to proceed to the next level, impatient to be good at it, impatient to succeed.

Dude, sabar boleh tak? Haha.

Five: I'm going to Japan!

...Not that exciting I guess, since we're in planning stage, and I don't enjoy planning.

And, it doesn't help that I have never been overseas before. Unless you count Singapore as one. Lol.

I got no experience, so I'm doubtful about everything. Haha, I still remember when I wanted to book a flight to Singapore for a business trip, that was my first time ever. I froze for more than 1 hour in front of the computer, scared of making any mistakes. I mean, the price on the ticket itself is already scary since I'm booking for a business trip and there's no promotion going on at that time. My boss had to reach out to one of my colleague to come to my desk and help me with it.

And finally, six: Work.

Hah, when has it ever be not busy with work?

...I guess the previous (no-boss) weeks have been slow. Well, no boss, what's you expect haha. Now that the bosses are back...

Not really. It's just that there's some complications and I need to help out on ironing that issue out.

What's tiring is that the issue is urgent, and it's involving me writing up walls of codes.

Just last week I spent the whole week (like 6 working days straight) just writing up codes to estimate some data. Needless to say, now I've lost meaning of them since I've been staring at them for too long. (Haven't even mentioned how the boss got so picky about me making one mistake and pointed it out during a meeting with everyone else. Thanks for ruining my self-confidence, boss.)

Which is crazy, because now they want me to write up another wall of codes to solve a slightly different issue. Which I don't quite get it; you got so angry with me making mistakes in my codes, then why are you giving me another coding task?

I know why. Because we ain't got not enough people in the office.

In AMS there are 3 people, now 1 of them, the one who knows most about our products and the one that I suppose would be doing the estimation coding task, except that now she goes on a 2-week holiday.

While in KL there are, like, 8 people. 1 of them is on 2-months sabbatical but she's actually leaving the company, so there'll be 7 of us. 4 of them are full-time working on specific projects that only they know how to do it, 1 of them is on a business trip, and 1 of them is a new-joiner. Who's left? Me. I have to take over half of the tasks that the 4 project people used to do before they got so busy, and...! I also have to teach the new joiner on tasks that she needs to do.

...Huh. We've been having this problem ever since 3 years ago, still unsolved. It's like a curse, where our office will never have more than 10 people in it. Yes, we do put up job ads but hiring has been REALLY slow while average employee retention is like 2 years. In 3 years, our office which started with 6 people, there have been 9 new hiring, but also, 8 people leaving. So now we end up with just 1 people more than what we have when we first started.

Funny isn't it.

I'm not jumping ships yet, I admit, I'm starting to feel comfortable with the benefits that my company is offering. But then...the prospect of being overwhelmed with work might scare me in the future.

Changing jobs is tough and mendokusai, so I ain't looking forward to doing it anytime soon.

#Fate

Decisions

Bismillah.

Decisions, decisions.

Sometimes I put the blame on being an adult.

Well, if you were a kid then other people make decisions for you, right? They’ll tell you where to spend your money, where you should not go, who should you be friends with, how you should spend your time in...

Meddlesome, but at least you don’t need to bear the consequences if said orders didn’t return rewards as promised. Also, as a kid, you’ll have your adults to depend on.

As adults...you face the consequences alone. Afterall, it’s you who made that decision.

You start to wonder, did I make the wrong one?

...

Itu gunanya tawakkal.

Fine, memang dah lama aku berkira-kira nak join kelas drumming. Aku ingat lagi masa sebulan lebih kot aku baru kerja, aku cakap aku minat nak join. Ni, sekarang dah 2 tahun setengah.

Kau rasa aku still belum ready ke?

...It’s not that you’re ready or not...it’s the possible disappointment that might follow.

Would you stay long enough to be good in it? Would it be a good investment of your time, money and energy? Nevermind that you don’t really own a drum set, pretty sure you can buy that one later. But is this the right direction for you?

...You’ve been thinking about this for two years and you’re still doubting it?

What else can I do?

...Again, that’s the use of tawakkal.

You’ve prayed to God. Let’s also pray for Him to help you with the decision. If it’s good, He’ll help you. If it’s bad, He’ll help you get through it.

Thanks, God.

Stop telling me I'm not good enough!

Bismillah.

When I told my boss I wanted to quit, I told him my reason was because I wanted to go back to my hometown. He then proceeded to tell me on all the options available, where I don't really have to quit: I can continue working remotely, either as a part-timer or a contractor.

Heh, nope, I'm not a fan of working remotely. Especially when you still expect me to improve on my 'weaknesses'.

See, that's the real problem. I lied. I didn't want to quit to go back and spend some precious time with my family. I want to quit because of this culture in the office where they focus on improving those weaknesses you have. I'm not a fan of that. Improvements, hey, it's a good thing, but why focus on something you lack? Why not focus on improving something that you already have, like strengths?

I'm not assertive enough? I need to take on more responsibilities? I need to create my own 'recipes'? I need to plan better and have better goals? Dude, tell me something I don't know.

They wrote those in my performance review. Now I sound like I'm complaining. Hah, who cares. I'm not happy with it, so I complain. I told them that, that I'm not happy with how they do the performance review. The 'developmental areas' as they call it would always be the main focus. I mean, yeah, hey, they did write some 'strengths' in it too, like, how the colleagues like me, how I helped my colleagues...and how I do my job okay...

...BUT! Tell me, in that same performance review piece, what are your goals being based on? Yep, your goals are being set based on your WEAKNESSES. I'm not assertive enough? Your goals is to be more assertive. You also need to volunteer on more projects and thus take up more responsibilities. Heh, like you're not giving me enough work already *rolls eyes* And it doesn't help the fact that those goals were created by the boss, meanwhile the goals that you wrote for yourself were crossed out for not being 'grand' enough. Huh, then they added that I don't like getting out of my comfort zone. Yep, it's true, I don't like it. Are you gonna force it on me then? Huh.

And then those one-on-ones with the boss every two weeks, what are the main focus for that discussion? 'Developmental areas', i.e. WEAKNESSES. Ugh. Basically, what I'm saying is, dude, stop reminding me that I'm not good enough!

It's not like I'm doing a bad job at work. If I am, they would be telling me that. But no. They said that project I did was good, and they were happy with it yada yada. Then, the hell-- why do I get the impression that it's the opposite of what you said? If something is not broken, why FIX IT? It's like you're trying to fix me, thus giving me the impression that I'm broken. But you said I did a good job. But then you're telling me I'm not *insert adjectives* enough. Now you're confusing me!

Huh. I don't know, seriously. I don't know whether I don't like just this one job, or I don't like working in general. I mean, for sure other companies would have those same performance review every year, right? So there's always possibilities where we'll end up talking about my weaknesses again.

Dude, I don't understand these obsessions on weaknesses. Dude, we only have a few couple of decades left to live, why focus on the bad side of life? You only live once, right? YOLO. See good things in people. Encourage them on that, not try to put them down on something they don't have. Isn't that what we need to do to be grateful to God, by seeing the good things that we actually have, rather than focusing on what we don't?

...(◔_◔)

***

See how a 2-months break from stressful environment did to me? ...At least I'm not butching about work anymore.

Oh wait. I just did.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

New project, and food.

Bismillah.

I got a scratch, see. It's a result of playing with 2mm-steel wire. Not recommended for crafting projects that require cutting, twisting and turning it a lot. Too thick. 1.6mm might be better, softer but sturdy enough.

Was trying to spiral bind a DIY book made from boxes and brown wrapping papers, got them from my office. We ordered a 6-months supply of coffee, so we got a few boxes and wrappers to throw away. Their conditions were still good so I chose to take them home.

Heh, I can be a hoarder sometimes.

Now I'm deliberating whether to actually use this handmade book or not. Spent my precious time and effort into making it, I don't want to sully it with my meaningless writings ><

That, and also, I used those steel wires I bought to sort of make a makeshift steam rack to be used with my 16-in metal pot. We don't have a steaming pot here in our rented house, so, gotta figure out how to actually have one. Why do I need it? Well, I've been thinking of making these cuties:

Those are the dumplings that I managed to make with the makeshift steam rack I told you about. I'm satisfied, really. I even got the awesome scar on my hand that I can use to show off.

***

I told you I'm on a 2-months extended leave from work, right? I took it because my boss told me to. Why? Because I said to him that I wanted to quit, so he wanted me to take some time off.

Heh. After reading all those nasty blog posts I wrote, complaining about work, you'd think it's about time I quit, right?

...I don't know.

I mean, I know my past self(s) has been complaining and suffering because of work, but now that I'm on an awesome long leave, it doesn't feel that way anymore. Heh, I'm pretty sure that's just because it's not in front of me anymore. I mean, we tend to forget things that are already in the past, right?

Huh. I know. 'Si' (introverted sensing), dwelling in the past is not my strength. I'm so much more on the 'Se' (extroverted sensing), meaning I live in the present. But that doesn't mean the past didn't happen, right? It did, it's just that it's harder for me to actually learn from them and not to repeat them again.

*sigh* Problems always come from our own selves. 

Dude, when am I going to accept the fact that I'm IMPERFECT?

***

So with this long holiday, you've witnessed what I did with my free time. 

Some new recipes once in a while, new projects, even watching TV. Something that I don't usually do.

Oh, and I also went to places, and took selfies! ...Another thing that I don't usually do too.

Dude...so gedik. The pose was suggested by my housemates. My usual, normal, real self selfies would be full of funny expressions, photo bombs and me sticking my tongue out. Nice, polite smiles aren't something I'm comfortable with, I can try if you ask me to pose that way, but it would be a big fake picture for me. 

That picture was taken when I went to North Malaysia during the weekend, followed my housemate back to her hometown. Even went to Malaysia-Thailand borders. Had fun eating and snapping photos. Well, that's what girls like to do...right? Housemates. Called me to take photos with them, but then they complained about my pose or my expressions. Lol. I know. Girls like to look pretty, but I'd rather look fun and interesting.

Needless to say, that whole trip took about RM200+ if I remembered correctly. Transportation being the biggest culprit. Heh. Here I am, spending money that I don't really have. Well, not really, but when you're no longer working, there's no money coming in, right? So I'm just spending out of my savings basically.

But that doesn't stop me from spending it anyway. Especially on FOOD.

Dude...you can't live without food. No, seriously. Although I do worry about having to spend money (that I don't have), sometimes I really need to just eat out. Taste something new. Eating the same thing everyday can really mess up your taste buds. Lol don't believe everything I say. 

At some points during my 2-months break I just want to rebel and find something new. Be it the best nasik lemak in town, in which I haven't managed to find one, to finding some warm, homey noodle soup, or even just nasik campur with quality lauks. Or sometimes, I'm just finding excuses to get out of the house and go somewhere, ya know? Being unemployed (oops, not yet) can be quite lonely since you're not going out and meet people much. That photo above costed me RM21 at NY Steak Shack. Cool stuff, I like it once in a while.

***

Anyways, wanna know why I wanted to quit? I'll tell ya.

Stress kerja.

Bismillah.

Assalamualaikum.

Sihat?

Alhamdulillah.

Aku stress kerja.

Haha. Awal-awal post dah cakap benda tak best.

Ha'ah, stress. Malam-malam balik kerja pun still buat kerja.

Hari-hari pergi kerja bagi 100% fokus, ingat balik rumah boleh rehat la.

Tak, sambung bukak laptop, kejar produk nak tunjuk dekat bos Amsterdam. Maklumlah, time zone lain.

Kau ingat otak aku tak penat ke? Penat dow.

Kau ingat 100% fokus yang kau dah bagi kat tempat kerja tu dah cukup ke? Tak cukup dow.

Apa lagi yang dia nak dari aku ni?

Penat.

Tak puas, tak cukup rasanya masa rehat yang ada lepas balik kerja.

Lagi-lagi untuk orang yang kerja bukan dalam bidang yang dia suka.

Balik kerja, mestilah nak buat hobi yang dia suka. Tapi, kau balik kerja, ada berapa jam je lagi tinggal sebelum kau masuk tido?

Ada lah...dalam 3 jam.

Dude, aku balik kerja pukul 7, 7.30pm. Sampai rumah dalam pukul 8, solat semua bagai, pukul 9 baru boleh rest atau start hobi.

Itu pun kalau tak bawak kerja balik rumah.

Nak makan lagi. Kalau nak masak, lagi lah makan masa.

Aku buat benda semuanya take time. Makan la terutamanya, mau satu jam untuk satu meal.

Tak enjoy la kalau kau nak suruh aku makan laju. Terkejar-kejar. Makan telan je, mana nak rasa nikmat makan tu.

Kerja aku ni, macam tu lah. Buat aku rasa terkejar-kejar.

Kejarkan release date untuk product, kejar achievement/performance untuk jawab depan bos, kejar compete dengan colleagues untuk siapkan kerja paling cepat/sumbang idea paling best...

Aku rasa bodoh. Diorang (officemates) ni semua bijak-bijak. Belajar oversea, idea bagus-bagus, ilmu banyak...yang melayu pun speaking English macam air kot!

Aku siapa? Budak melayu 'domestik' (haha) yang belajar dekat Universiti Islam Antarabangsa Malaysia. Tak pernah jejak kaki ke oversea langsung. Apa sumbangan aku dalam kampeni tu?

Entah. Aku rasa aku ni expendable je rasanya.

Aku perasan, masa bos aku edar-edarkan surat tax kat semua orang, yang lain received 3 helai. Aku received 2 je.

Kenapa?

Baru aku tau, aku tak ada potongan tax, sebab gaji aku tak layak untuk tax. Orang lain ada.

Orang lain yang kena tax tu, masuk lagi lewat dari aku kot! Sama level, fresh grad. So gaji dia lagi tinggi dari aku lah?

Cumanya, iye lah, dia grad Australia nu. Buat kerja pun rajin, efisyen, mendengar cakap, sumbang idea.

Kenapa, aku buat kerja tak rajin ke? Aku tak sumbang idea ke? Aku buat kerja malam kot, kadang-kadang on weekend pun aku buat sikit. Aku datang awal, balik lewat. Aku bagi idea, tapi korang pandang muka aku terkebil-kebil macam aku cakap benda bodoh.

Kenapa, sebab aku buat kerja lembab?

Sebab aku cakap English sangkut-sangkut?

Sebab aku bagi idea entah pape?

Sebab aku bodoh?

...

Dude, aku tak bodoh. Aku ada otak. Aku boleh fikir. Kau jangan degrade aku.

Aku tak penuhi expectation kau, tak bermakna aku ni bodoh.

Maknanya, aku tak sesuai untuk penuhi apa yang kau nak.

Dude, kau nak suruh panjat pokok, jangan la expect semua orang untuk pandai panjat pokok. Dude, harimau pun kau nak expect jadi pandai panjat pokok?

Dude, aku reti bab lain, tapi tak, kau tak peduli. Kau nak semua orang ikut pandai bab bidang yang kau nak aje.

Dude, kau pernah dengar tak, tips nak jadi leader yang bagus adalah dengan pandai utilize specialties yang unique yang ada pada setiap anak buah.

Dude, aku rasa kau ingat manusia ni kilang.

Oh wait, all companies think their employees are just generic factory workers.

They forgot that we're humans! We have problems, we have personal life, personal matters, personal problems to deal with!

Kau lupa, aku juga ada kehidupan kat luar ni! Bukannya sibuk kejar kau punya achievement tu!

To hell la kau punya duit. Tak payah la offer naik gaji. Tak guna pun duit tu kalau aku tak happy.

Post gambar kat FB, Instagram, dan yang sewaktu dengannya.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Ramai orang post gambar kat FB, Instagram.

 Cantik-cantik belaka. 

Ada yang post gambar sendiri, ada yang post gambar anak, famili, ada yang post gambar tempat travel dan aktiviti.

Nampak bahagia je kan.

Bila orang tengok gambar-gambar kau, terdetik kat hati orang tu, 

-"Untunglah dapat banyak like. Muka licin/cantik/hensem."

-"Wah, best nya dapat jalan sana sini. Mesti banyak guna duit kan?"

-"Comelnya anak dia/Sweetnya husband/wife/famili diorang. Etc. Etc.

Sedangkan aku tau, dan aku yakin ramai juga yang tau, the happy pictures that you put up are just a facade.

Hey, life isn't all about rainbows and sunshine. And everyone knows, this is a fact.

Fakta. Bahawa bukan setiap hari kita akan nampak bahagia dan happy macam dalam gambar-gambar yang kita post tu.

However, it's not wrong to post them pictures.

Aku tahu, some people make it their life goal to be as happy as they can, so those beautiful pictures that they posted may act like their motivation. And this is not wrong. It's good, even. It is good, to have a dream, a dream of an ideal life that you wish to live.

So... I guess it's just me.

Aku...susah nak post gambar. Salah satu sebab, aku taknak tunjuk muka pada public. Macam-macam orang boleh buat dengan gambar kita. Photoshop la, sihir la, simpan buat stock la etc. etc. Not to say that I'm so famous that people want to keep my pictures in their wallets haha.

Sebab kedua ialah aku tak nampak alasan yang kukuh untuk kongsi gambar aku yang happy sangat tu. Sebab aku tau, hanya dengan sekeping gambar happy tu tak cukup untuk menggambarkan seluruh hidup aku.

Like I said previously, life is not all about rainbows and butterflies. Selain gembira, ada juga sedih, marah, takut...nanti kalau aku dah start post satu gambar happy, maka next aku pun kena post gambar sedih, marah etc. etc....haha, sebenarnya aku je yang susah nak post gambar. Susah nak post apa-apa. Tak tau nak post untuk apa.

Umm atau mungkin, aku ni yang banyak berahsia. Haha.

Hmm. Back to the main issue of this post. Post gambar dalam FB and Insta. Tak salah. Ya, aku cakap tak salah. 

But truth be told...I'm a bit jealous la. Haha. Tengok muka kawan-kawan, junior-junior, abang kakak yang comel-comel, kulit putih licin, tangkap gambar muka masam macam mana pun still maintain hensem! Haish macam mana la kau buat kan. Sebab tu kalau aku tangkap gambar, aku buat muka funny, hidung senget, jelir lidah. Sebabnya, kalau muka aku tak secantik diorang, at least muka aku dapat hiburkan diorang, buat diorang gelak. Haha. Hey, kadang-kadang aku teringin jugak nak post gambar macam korang. Muka comel, duck mouth (XD), senyum nampak gigi, fotogenik...Tapi aku tau, muka aku takda lah hadap mana orang nak tengok. Lagipun, aku malu kalau orang like gambar muka aku. Nanti nampak macam meraih perhatian (attention seeking) pulak. (No offense, just personal preference). Jual muka. Aku mahal. Kalau nak tengok muka aku, tengok depan-depan. Lol.

Kalau nak post gambar travel, hmm...aku bukannya travel mana. Pi mai pi mai tang tu jugak. Kerja, rumah. Kerja, rumah. Tak travel pun. Tapi jujur aku cakap, spend time dalam bilik pun best jugak. Aku ada banyak projek (read: hobby) yang aku nak buat. Yes, I have lots of interests and interests aku fluctuate over time. Kejap aku dah bosan hobi ni, aku buat hobi lain. Then, hobi lain. Then hobi lain. Then, patah balik kepada hobi yang first tadi. So, aku jeles la jugak tengok gambar orang travel. Tapi banyak sangat alasan yang aku boleh bagi untuk justify kenapa aku tak travel. Haha. Malas nak planning, tak ada teman, malas kumpul duit, malas itu, malas ini...dah, dah biar aku simpan sendiri alasan aku. Takut berdarah telinga (mata) korang dengar nanti.

Tengok gambar famili...haa aku no komen. Hey, bebudak comel pe. Tapi tak best la kalau tengok gambar je. Kau tau apa yang lagi best? Bila korang dapat spend time dengan budak-budak comel tu. Korang pegang tangan dia untuk ajar berjalan, tolong kendongkan sementara mak budak tu pergi shopping, buat budak tu gelak, bagi budak tu makan...etc. etc...Bila kau jumpa depan-depan, baru kau tau yang budak ni bukannya senyum memanjang. Lagi banyak tantrumnya dari sengih. Merengek, nangis tak kira tempat. Haha. For me, bila kau rasa sendiri, baru kau tahu, indah khabar dari rupa.

You see, that said, walaupun aku tak post gambar apa-apa pun, tak bermakna aku takda life yang happy. Ada je sekali tu aku pergi social activities dengan office, pergi water rafting dengan waterfall abseiling. Best gila siot water rafting tu! Tapi aku tak post satu gambar pun. Hmm. Sebab bagi aku, gambar tu tak cukup untuk menerangkan suasana keseronokan yang aku alami. Man, you gotta experience it yourself man! Takat tengok gambar, mana cukup! Kau kena rasa macam mana raft kau terumbang ambing dek arus, air memercik ke muka, kau lean ke kiri, ke kanan, just to keep the balance of the raft, ikut cakap pengemudi, kayuh ikut rentak...pergh...all my senses were satisfied. (Pstt, gambar kitorang waterfall abseiling masuk Siakap Keli kot! Haha. Nasib baik tak ada orang perasan)

Haha yep. Tu je lah pendapat aku tentang gambar-gambar tu. Ya, aku jeles la jugak sikit. Siap ada orang compare muka dia sama dengan pelakon Korea. Haha. Untunglah muka kau hensem bang. Tak pa, tak pa, just go on with what you guys are doing. Biarlah aku kat sini hari hari menatap gambar happy korang. Ya, aku tau, disebalik kebahagiaan itu, aku sentiasa remind diri aku sendiri, bukan setiap hari dia happy macam tu. Jadi biarlah, dia meniknmati saat itu selagi ia masih ada. For me, sedih ke, happy ke, marah ke...perasaan-perasaan tu akan jadi lebih berbaloi bila kita tengok dan alaminya sendiri di depan mata, instead of just watching it over the net or something. That way baru aku namakan berkongsi kegembiraan.

The end.

Ask yourself.

Ask yourself. Do you really need it? Do you really need the job?

Better yet, ask yourself. Do you need to work?

Hah. Honestly, I don't know. When I applied for it, it seems oh so nice, oh so beautiful, oh this job description is perfect for me.

Little did I know, little did I know.

How would I know?! GOD! How would I know when I haven't tried it yet? Ugh! That's how I learn? Why do you have to complain about it?

Hey, if you're happy with your job now, or at least you do feel that this is your career path, or this is how you imagine your life would be, then by all means please continue doing whatever you're doing right now. I have no objection whatsoever.

But hey, one advice: don't be like me. Where I am currently is not where I imagine my life would be. But I didn't know about it until I've delved deep into this mud called work. Now, I guess I'm stuck inside it. Only now do I know that I hate it. Heh. Reminds me of that story of the frog inside a slowly boiling water. It didn't realize it until the water is too hot that it killed it.

God, oh no I don't wanna be like that frog. But then how am I getting out of this? Or even, should I even get out of it?

Haha. Lemme ask the question: what's keeping you to stay?

The truth is bitter. The truth is, I don't know the answer to that question.

Is it for the money?

Haha. I guess. What else would be the reason?

Huh. I don't have a solid reason to leave.

Placed in a new place.

Bismillah.

Allahuakbar.

Allah letakkan aku di tempat baru.

Aku dapat kerja.

Aku tak sangka yang aku boleh dapat kerja.

Lepas habes belajar tahun lepas, I was stuck in a rut. You know, that quarterlife crisis?

Haha.

Argh, senang cerita, I was in a depression. For 6 month or something.

How did that depression happened, you ask? Heh, kau bayangkan, kau dok terperap kat rumah, kawan tak ramai, it's like your social life just got cut. You are now seekor katak bawah tempurung.

You know, being the only katak bawah tempurung is pretty lonely. You read through FB just to make yourself feel like you're still in the circle.

Huh. An illusion like you're socializing, when it's only one-sided. Macam bercakap dengan tembok. Tembok mana boleh reply to anything you said. Lainlah kalau ada orang di sebalik tembok tu. Dengar lah jugak suara yang membalas. Atau mungkin hantu. Haha.

Then, as usual, dah habis belajar mestilah mau carik kerja. Apply sana sini, satu pun tak dibalas. Your family will start questioning (and nagging) too. Haa...masa ni lah you'll start questioning yourself. Aku ni teruk sangat ke sampai tak ada sapa-sapa nak ambik aku kerja? Now here...is the time where your confidence starts to crumble. You'll feel so bad, it's basically depression. Lel, self prescription. Heh, aku yang memang tak ada confidence pun ni...bayangkanlah how deep I fell down into the well that time.

Having no outside input, having a closed view on the world, desperately trying to be accepted into the corporate world...God, I was desperate but yet I was paralyzed with imaginary fears! I didn't talk to people, I was scared! I smiled at them, secretly wanting them to just reach out to me...but...

Huh. Sekarang baru aku paham lagu-lagu Jepun yang layan feeling tu. Haha.

Sept 2014 I worked as a replacement teacher at my own brother's secondary school. Heh. Sekolah budak nakal. For the first week I had this frown on my face every day after getting off from work. I cried once. Heh. Guess what? I worked there only for 2 weeks. Lol. Because I registered late, I came in at the end of 3-months period that teacher I was replacing took her leave.

Somewhere in Jan 2015 I got an invitation for an interview from the government. It was from Jabatan Perangkaan, for a job position that would fit SPM leavers more than graduates. But hell, I (stupidly) applied for it so they called me. Kerja macam budak bancian tu la. Datang interview lambat sebab carik parking. Masuk-masuk tengok aku sorang je tengah hari tu. Kejadah. Anxious la aku. Masuk bilik  interview je terus aku nangis. For the whole interview. And another half an hour in the car after the interview.

Yeah, yeah you can laugh, that's perfectly fine. I know it's pretty unreasonable for what I did there, but I want to emphasize my situation back then. I spent most of the time inside the house for...hmm almost 8 months? Like I said, I cut off my own social life. And when the time comes for me to meet people and to impress them, you think I can do it? Damn, of course I couldn't. Macam you learnt a skill, Photoshop, playing guitar or something, but then you stopped doing it for a year. Of course you would stumble if one day you need to do that again.

Then in Feb 2015 I decided to just damn, hell with it. I'm gonna apply for a job as a cleaner at UIA. Damn yes I did. And I was happy to try it out. I went to meet the supervisor with a conviction that I meet her because I want to. Not because of someone else. And I happily worked there, being friends with the makciks, they were so nice, the job was so simple, not stressing at all...but then, I worked only for only 8 days.

WTH. Actually now I'm questioning myself...WHY? Haha.

If I liked the job so much, then why did I quit? Hah. Yep, I guess I'm stupid. I quit because I allegedly wanted to continue my study into master level. I was kidding myself back then. I was spending too much time looking at students and dreaming of how their life is much more fun and much less responsibility. Heh. Kerja nak lari je aku ni. I wanted to still be a student. I was unable to move on.

So I dealt with all the forms, paid the processing fees, met the lecturer, spent some time at the master students' room, reading notes bla bla bla...tak sampai 2 bulan pun. I quit, again. Say whatever you want, I don't wanna do that anymore. Maybe I will continue my studies into masters degree, but maybe not now.

I was feeling a bit better by then, having a job of my own choice. I guess you can say that it was the first step of me trying to get out of my depression. After that, in Jun 2015, a year after I finished my studies, I got a temp job with the government at Putrajaya. Lol. Who would've thought...now that I think about it, actually I was lucky to have experiences to work there. At Putrajaya, with the Ministry of Science man! Heh. Aku nak tunggu Bajet 2016 tu keluar nanti. Ada ke tak input yang aku sediakan untuk department aku. Haha.

Working at Putrajaya, you can say that was the bottleneck of the rut I was staying in. I needed to get out of the bottle, so being able to move to Putrajaya can be considered as an effort to do just that. Yep, it was damn hard I was stuggling in a battle that no one can see. And still, the scars from the battle are paralyzing me sometimes. But hey, at least this is a new beginning, right?

Who said it was easy trying to start a new life? I was alone there. Heh. I thought I was strong, but inside I desperately crying for a partner. I tried to be strong, stiffen up my upper lips, but heh, who am I kidding? I don't wanna hide my feelings. If I'm lonely, then I'm lonely. If I don't have lots of friends, if I'm not so friendly, if I don't know how to maintain a friendship for long, then, hell, let it be. I am an imperfect human being. I make mistakes. I can't please everyone. You're gonna get hurt by me. You're gonna hate me. If you do, if you can't accept me for who I am, well, yeah it hurts, it will make me sad. But what can I do? What happens, happens. It's who I am. You can hate me for what I do, but it's my life I'm living, not yours.

That job at Putrajaya was only for 2 and a half months. Well, one more week and it'll be 3 months. The contract period was supposed to be 3 months actually, but it didn't really matter so I can quit whenever I want. Many thanks to God, He sent me to be with good people there. They are very accepting. Lots of things I should be grateful from that job. But then...

I decided to just try again. Try again, applying for jobs. Have been receiving emails from JobStreet on the matching jobs description, and one day I just noticed this one post looking for a data analyst. Hmm interesting. Without thinking of anything, I decided to just apply for it. At first of course I was scared, I had doubts, should I really apply for this...? Then I thought, hell, kalau previous applications returned nothing, then it is probable that I won't be receiving any reply from this one too. Heh, kalau tak dapat reply lagi bagus,I wouldn't have to worry about anything.

Then...oh my Allah, an email came in, inviting me for a screening test. My jaw dropped. How did I...? Why...what...I...I couldn't say anything. Speechless. Huh. Okay, relax...it's just a screening test. Screening test is fine, because it was just a test. You don't have to meet people. You'll just have to fce the paper with your pen. That's it. So I was happy. Then...

After a few days, someone named Mike called me to say that I was invited for the first interview and that I passed the test. Wh-wh-wha--(The hell, I don't know what to say, I was anxious, felt like I've met a wall, why did you call me why do I need to talk why are you asking me question why is this so sudden aaarrrgggggghhhhhh!!!) Seriously. If I was to rate how I answered the phone call, I'd say 3 out of 10. It's not 0 just because I was still able to talk and I was at least talking in English. The rest of it...just mumbles, stutters, uh ah err...

Stress tau tak. Like I said, aku bukan pandai charm orang dengan perkataan aku.

So...I seriously don't know how I passed the first and the second (final) interview. How I felt like I could burst into tears just before I walked into the interview room, but suddenly that feeling just disappeared and I was talking smoothly. I mean, it went okay, I'd give it 6.5 out of 10. But really. It went okay. I said it went okay, because I didn't cry. God, that was a miracle, you know! It was a big step trying to get out of my depression!

But really. I was having doubts after the final interview. Syarikat baru nak bukak kat Malaysia. Colleagues pulak semua non muslim. Everyday kena speaking. Macam mana, mampu ke aku jaga Islam aku? Aku pun doa, ya Allah, kalau Kau bagi aku kerja ni, maka aku berserah, sebab itu yang Kau bagi aku. Itu yang Kau aturkan untuk aku. Tapi kalau kerja ni tak elok, maka aku juga serah pada Kau. Kau tau mana yang terbaik untuk aku. Dapat atau tak dapat, Allah juga yang pegang semua kuasa.

Dan Allah aturkan...untuk aku dapat kerja tu. Sekarang, dah sebulan aku kerja kat sini. Heh. Baru sebulan. Dugaan memang ada, tapi mampu aku katakan yang mula kerja ni tak terasa beban sangat. Heh. Masa mula-mula start kerja tu aku nangis, tapi bukan sebab kerja. Tapi sebab stress pindah rumah, buat kerja bodoh angkat barang sorang-sorang dari Putrajaya ke KL naik train. Tolong lah argh aku menyusahkan diri sendiri betul. Aku stress dalam 3 minggu jugak lah, tapi stress tu bukan sebab kerja.

Hmm. Kerja tu nampak agak demanding jugak, tapi it still gives some leeway, it still gives you time and space for you to learn. Bila aku pikir balik, sungguh ke Allah nak aku kerja ni? Bayangkanlah, masa interview tu aku cakap relax je, selamba je speaking. Sedangkan aku expect aku akan menggelabah, stutter, nervous, aku expect aku akan nangis...but I didn't. Seriously, I think Allah was really helping me to go through it smoothly. 

So far, I'm happy to see lots of numbers instead of text. Well, bila time dia suruh buat research dan baca pasal industry news tu aku tak berapa suka la. And the manager might be a demanding person with lots of expectations (urgh!), but so far it's okay. Colleagues from Amsterdam pun seem okay...hmm. Tak berani nak cakap banyak, sebab baru sebulan aku kerja sini. Heh. But you'll never know, right? Entah-entah lagi 2-3 bulan aku dah start benci. Haha. We'll see. Kalau aku dah benci nanti, aku tulis lagi kat sini ea? Haha.

Kau tak tau.

Allah.

Aku rasa kalau aku mula menulis pasal benda ni, aku akan menangis.

Haha.

Sabtu, 12 Sept, went shopping at Alamanda alone, searching for new blouse, pants and jacket for my new job. Met Syafiq, and he asked, "Sorang je? Kenapa tak ajak Ama ke, Falaha ke?" ...What. Should I trouble them to come far away to Putrajaya? You're kidding me, right? I've learned that your friends wouldn't always be available for you all the time. They are another human being, not the extension of yourself. They have their own circle of family and friends that you don't know about. You're not the only person in their life. Besides, what's wrong with going out alone?

Got home after shopping, noticed there were lots of defects in the clothes I just bought. What the heck. Well, padanlah dengan harga dia yang murah.

Ahad, 13 Sept, jerebu makin teruk. Was thinking maybe I should go back to Alamanda to exchange the defective products I just bought, but...meh. I shouldn't go out in a weather like this. Was thinking maybe I should start transfering my stuff to Bangsar, but...meh again.

Isnin, 14 Sept. Aku mula kerja baru kat syarikat swasta yang headquartersnya di UK. Colleagues kebanyakan non muslim, sorang orang Australia, 1 cina, 2 india, 1 melayu. Note that I said 'melayu', and not muslim. But Allah knows better.

Lepas tu, aku dan sorang lagi muslimah UM jadi newcomers, dan sorang lagi chinese guy, studied in US. And masa tu ada pulak 3 orang Amsterdam yang datang Malaysia untuk melawat KL punya branch. So imagine how the non muslims become the majority in my new workplace.

The first day...damn, full of briefing, lots of info. We only stopped for lunch and pray. Then, on to more talks. Aku bukannya paham sangat apa yang diorang cakap tu. Sorang banyak mumbles, sorang cakap laju, sorang lagi macam nak taknak buka mulut je. Huhu. After the day was over, they brought us to dine at Central Market, along with those 3 Amsterdam guys until 9.30. Luckily we didn't have to pay for our food. What the hell. The first day of work was already full to the brim.

Selasa, 15 Sept, second day of work. We had to come to office at 8 am, as we would be going for a port visit at Port Klang. I was excited for the visit, but the awkwardness from being a newcomer was there. The visit was very interactive, I was grateful that I could stay away from more briefings, but I wasn't able to enjoy it to the fullest. We got back to the office at 3pm, I went to pray with the UM girl, then we had one more session of briefing before we got back home after 5. I was so stressed, thinking on the expectation being put on me to really know my work scope in just a few weeks, and also thinking about how the heck am I going to transfer my things from Putrajaya to Bangsar. Cried a lot, I did that night.

Rabu, 16 Sept. Hari Malaysia. Thank God, I need this holiday. But I was thinking maybe I should start packing my stuff to move into my new rented room in Bangsar. I messaged the old renter, she didn't replied until it got late. But I decided to just go with it, so after Maghrib prayer, I waited for the bus to come. Met an uncle whom I thought was a Bangla  (because there's a lot of them from where I rented), but instead he's just a mami from Penang, coming to Putrajaya for a meeting with all rice association from other states. He chatted a lot, we got onto the same bus to Putrajaya Sentral and there, he gave me his name card and some jeruk for free.

At 9.30pm I got onto ERL Transit to KL Sentral, and then to LRT Universiti. It was already 10 by then. Sent my luggage up into my new room, got down again to get the keys from the head of the house, waited for her for 20 minutes after her calls didn't reach her, took the keys from her after I found her at some cafe (curses, she innocently said there's no network coverage, even though I already told her I was coming), went unloading the stuff from my luggage into my new room, went back to KL Sentral and on the KL Transit on 11pm, got to Putrajaya Sentral at 11.30...waited for a bus to get back to my flat, got on that on 12am...PHEW. I can't even say anything.

Khamis 17 Sept, more damn briefing. Luckily there's a session that was more hands on, and that got me a bit excited. Went lunch at an Indian veggie restaurant...hmmm new experience. I don't really eat Indian food, I like Chinese ones more. Got back at 8pm, but went lepaking with UM girl at Secret Recipe. Chatted with her, window shopping some more, and got back to Putrajaya Sentral at 10 something. Walked from Sentral to my flat, took around 10 minutes. Mind you, it was night time and I was walking alone.

Jumaat 18 Sept. I decided to sleep in my new room in KL tonight. So I brought along my luggage and walked from my flat to Putrajaya Sentral. That was a torture. Got on KL Transit to KL Sentral, put my stuff inside a locker there, then I went to work. More briefings...CAN YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING?! Ugh. What the hell. Are you expecting us to remember everything and absorb them like a sponge? We're human being, goddammit! We're tired, we're bored, our brains are already full! Ugh. Haha. But we were already warned before we apply the job before, that the learning curve would be very steep. Which mean...it'll be hell for the first few weeks on the job.

After that, got back from work at 7 something, bumped into kak Qay, brought my luggage to Bangsar by LRT, luckily the new place I'm staying got an elevator. Cause I ain't shoving my stuff up the stairs, no sir! After sending my luggage up, went out to Nu Sentral again and bought a table fan. That salesman guy's being nice. Brought that large box, home back to LRT Universiti, cleaned up the room (so full of dust! Acchoo!) took a shower, went to sleep at almost 11.30pm. I hadn't finish arranging my stuff in the wardrobe yet. Malam tu nak tido, dok terngiang-ngiang suara orang putih dari Amsterdam yang dok bagi briefingkat workplace aku tu. Banyak sangat dengar diorang membebel sampai nak tido pun ada lagi. Bengong.

Sabtu 19 Sept. Woke up at 7.34am. SH*T. You know what, I have a bus to catch at 8.30 in Pekeliling station, and it would take 25mins by monorail. My God...can I make it? Without taking a shower or even wash my face, I emptied my luggage back, reloaded it again with stuff I need, put on something appropriate (wihtout even ironing them!), and went out, rushing to find a taxi. Got on one, arrived at Pekeliling at 8.15am, and guess what? My bus at 8.30 was on fire on its way to KL. I mean, it broke down in the middle of the road and caught on fire. Orang kat kaunter tu tak bagitau pape pun! Mangkok betol. Naseb baik aku dengar ada orang tanya, bas 8.30 dah sampai belum? Lepas tu dapat refund duit, beli tiket Bulan Restu pukul 11. Damn. Kau tau tak aku ni dengan tak mandinya, tak gosok gigi nya, rushing datang sini nak kejar bas...tengok-tengok dapat tiket pukul 11. Kepala hotak kau.

Ada bas ke Kuantan pukul 9.30, tapi tiket dah habis. So aku tunggu depan bas tu, jumpa drebar die kata kalau ada kosong aku nak naik. Naseb baik pakcik tu supportive. Aku pun baca doa, selawat Ar-Razzaq banyak-banyak, tengok-tengok ada seat kosong aku boleh masuk. Seat single pulak tu. Alhamdulillah.

Ni dah sampai rumah, kena tolong sebab ada kenduri pulak. Ahad petang dah kena balik KL semula. Pekejadah balik sekejap je ni. Lepas tu next week tiga hari bekerja aku kena angkut barang selebihnya dari Putrajaya lagi. Pastu balik raya haji lagi.

Ugh. Kau tau tak. Tak, takde orang tau, sebab aku tak bagitau sape-sape pun. Aku buat sorang tau tak. Aku buat sorang, mangkok. Aku stress tau. Tak, kau tak tau. Aku stress. Tapi kau tak tau. Kau tak tau. Kau tak tau. Kau tak tau. Sebab aku tak bagitau. Buat apa aku nak bagitau? Kau boleh datang tolong ke?

...

Haaa...okay, sorry. I was stressed. I need to let this out.