Inside that dark deep well.

Bismillah.

Why?

Why

am I not confident?

No

I don't think that's wrong.

I don't think I'm wrong for not being confident.

Being confident is just...

what the world expects from people, right?

When everyone's doing it, doesn't mean I should do it too.

They keep telling me to be outspoken, confident and friendly with people.

I can do that. I can put a mask in front of others.

But not when they are there specifically to judge me.

And I, figuratively, hand my own neck directly to them.

Suicide. Kamikaze. My mask crumbles. So does my heart. And my confidence.

I don't excel in interviews. 

Unless maybe if I come with the intention to fail in the first place.

Hmm. Haven't tried that one.

---------

Maybe I'm not that scared in front of people.

Maybe...I'm just scared to show my real self in front of them.

That I'm all weak and mushy inside.

That all that smart look, sharp gaze and confident smile are just a facade.

That I'll cry non stop once they ask the trigger question. Basically any question will do.

Why?

.........

I guess

I should be satisfied with failing interviews and Vivas.

When I'm not even officially a master's student yet.

Preparing to fail. What the heck am I doing?

No

but I do not judge my failure as failing to pass their judgement.

Me not satisfying what they want, doesn't mean I'm not good.

I did my work.

Maybe I AM not good enough for them.

But I'm good enough for me.

Like their assessments gonna mean something in my life.

But people's mouth

people all around me would say things.

My SV.

My friends.

My family.

My teachers and lecturers.

The seniors and juniors.

That I've failed their expectations.

But why is it wrong?

Why is it wrong for me to fail?

Kadang-kadang, mulut orang yang mengata tu lagi menyakitkan dari hakikat yang kita failed.

Yes.

Failure by myself is a lot better than failure to meet their expectations.

People.

Humans.

---------

I'm not perfect.

Will never be.

Not even close.

But at least I tried

right?

But still 

it isn't good enough for you.

...

I can't satisfy you

nor everyone

nor anyone else in the world.

Then I guess

I'll live alone

down here

in the dark deep well.

To you, maybe it's pitch black

but to me

you don't know.

It seems like a nice place

albeit lonely

at least it's better than living under constant judgement.

God.

Help me.

Please.