Like I said, it hurts.
Yes, it still hurts.
Up until now.
"Why didn't you tell us about it?" You blame me.
...That's the main reason why I won't tell you about it.
If I told you or if I didn't tell you, none of it brings benefits to me.
What will I get if I told you about it? You'll claim, "It will ease your feelings." Nope, I don't think so. Instead, I'd feel useless, worthless, helpless and worse if I did. And if I did tell you about it, and you helped, I'd feel indebted. And a debt is a burden to me. I can't have another debt to be added to my tab when I haven't paid my previous ones!
Believe me, there are lots of 'hutang budi' that I haven't been able to pay yet. Well, thankfully some of them are waived by the creditors. And another thing, I'm afraid to have this 'hutang budi' with people. You know what they say, 'hutang budi dibawa mati'. What if this person I'm indebted to refuses to accept my payment of the 'hutang'? What if this person asks ridiculous things for the payment? What if this person asks me to marry him in order to pay the 'hutang budi'?
Gosh, that thought makes me shiver.
...
Look, I'll tell you when I want to, okay? I've told you some of my small problems, right?
"But you should tell us bigger problems too!"
...
Either way, you'd complain, complain, complain.
Just like what I'm doing right now. But I'm not complaining in front of you. You can't hear me in here, right?
Then shut up.
***
See, you're complaining again.
"What's wrong with this girl? When we have problems we tell it to others to make us feel better. Instead, she told us to shut up?! We were trying to help!"
If you have the right to complain, if you're claiming your right to help others, then I'm claiming my right to stay quiet and keep my mouth shut! I'll tell you when I want to and I'll keep quiet when I want to!
...
...It's not that I don't want your help, it's not that I hate it when you offer your help...it's just...
...it's...
...
The truth is bitter. It's cumbersome when lots of people come offering their help to me, telling me to tell them if I need help or asking what should they help on.
Let me explain.
1) I can't handle too many people when I have problems. When I have problems, I need some time alone to think about it, to think about its possible solutions. When others come and talk to me, they are disturbing the process. What's worse, my mind now has to be divided into two, one is to think about the problems, the other is to think about them. Yes, THEM. YOU who offer your help to me. YES I do think about you. But it's difficult for me to also be thinking about you when I have problems. Isn't this supposed to be the best time for you to support me? Support me by not being a nuisance to me. No I don't hate you! (for God sake I've been telling this to you again and again) No I DON'T HATE YOU! I just do not appreciate the help offers you're giving me. I understand that you do want to help by giving me something, but you're giving me something wrong. Give me what I want, not what you want!
However, when I have problems and I get stuck with it (You'll notice I've been thinking about it without doing anything productive as its solution), I would appreciate if you offer a solution and help me take action on it. Yes, TAKE ACTION, not just words saying "Why don't you do this and this?" or "Would you want this and this? I can help." Instead, why don't you say, "Hey, let's do this and this. I have the stuff needed. I'd love to try it too." There. That sentence would make me feel less bad asking your help for it, because you'd also gain benefits from helping me. Let me give you an example I've just experienced not too long ago:
My house was flooded and my mom with two of my siblings were stuck in the house, they couldn't get out. I was worried sick but I couldn't tell it to others because I don't know what's the appropriate feeling to be felt at that moment. Then someone messaged me saying "Hey, would you wanna go to your house? Me and the brothers can go (they have cars). They have been itching to play with the water."
I quickly accepted the offer. Although it pained me that they told me to explicitly say "I need your help, please.", but the first message she sent was pleasant.
2) When you offer, saying that you can help or asking if there's anything you could help on, I'd feel pressured. Remember when I said I'm thinking about the problems? When you asked "Is there anything I can help with?", I'd really want to answer "I AM thinking on the solutions to this problem. Now you want to burden my mind thinking on what should YOU do?"
Furthermore, at that question, you may seem like you're condescending me, it seems like you're saying to me, "Hey, you're not doing anything. Maybe you can't solve the problems." or "I don't trust you. You didn't ask for my help. I have to offer it to you." YES. To me, when I'm stressed out with problems, those are what I hear from you when you offer help. When I have problems, I can't think straight. Maybe some of you can keep your calm during problematic times, but sorry, I can't. I'm tensed, for God's sake, that's why I've been bad to all of you!
Ugh, I'm asking you to accept me being bad at these times.
Oh well. I know I'm wrong. With reasons or not, I should never be bad to all of you. Gosh, I'm being sarcastic. Sometimes, I should be bad to you. But that would also mean that I should accept that sometimes you would be bad to me.
Gulp.
Yes. Yes, I should accept it. Be bad at me. Bring it on.
But let me ask you. Am I a burden to you? Is it hard being my friend? Am I difficult to be dealt with? Am I having lots of 'hidden' debts to be settled with you? If all of the answers are yes, then you are angry with me. You have been putting up with me a lot. I've been hurting you a lot. If that is so, please tell me. I'd try to hold back. Or even better, I'd try to keep away from you. Really. Tell me if you hate me. I'd stay out of your way. I'm an expert in ignoring. Though don't blame me if we have to work together in the future. You should be professional, shouldn't you?
Ego jyanaika, orewa? I know, I'm bad. I know. But I'm not doing anything about it. Even though I know I'm bad, I don't believe I'm that bad. I'm waiting for someone to tell me that even though I'm bad, there are still good things about me, aren't there? Aren't there?
...
...So I'm bad, right? I'm bad. I'm bad. I'm bad. I'm bad.
Argh, quit it. Shut it. I'm tired of saying that to myself. First I tell myself that I'm good. Then I tell myself that I'm bad, that I shouldn't exist. Then I'm back to being good again. Then I go telling myself to sit in the corner and be quiet. Huh. So much for being consistent.
Ningen jyanaika?
But it seems that I'm not forgiven for being a human.
But maybe I myself can't accept others as humans with their noisy mouth.
We both lose.
***
Now, now, anything I said when I was angry, you can forget it. Including this post. This post was written when I was angry. So please, forget that I've ever written anything like this.
Ugh, again, I'm asking you for something. I know, I know, I should never ask you to change your style, I should never ask you to deal with me, to listen to me, to do what I'm asking you to do. That's why I ask you to forget this post. Hmpph. Even so you'd still be angry with me, "If you want us to forget this post, then why you'd wrote it in the first place?!". I know, I know, I'm wrong. I can't tell you not to read it, can I? I can't tell you to stop following me if you don''t wanna read my emotional rants, can I?