Anxiety

Bismillah.

Huh. I do only come here every 3-4 months.

------

Anxiety.

Unable to breath properly.

Sure, my housemate had that before, she keeps telling me about it. She used to be anxious because of a bad situation she was in.

But what about me?

It happens too, but behind close doors. I couldn't sleep much, I couldn't eat much because of it, but I just tell people that I have a stomach ache only.

...

I've been saying this again and again. 

I feel hurt too! I can feel pain too! I have my own problems too! Just because I don't tell anyone about it...

... doesn't mean I'm living worry free.

It's just that I'm enduring it alone.

And when you've been enduring it alone long enough, you'll become bitter.

This...hateful feeling is not something I'm proud of.

Even I, myself, hate it.

I feel imperfect.

That I'm incapable of loving.

It's fine as long as I don't trouble others.

But I'm gonna be very lonely.

...Ah, this hateful feeling.

----

She's got her list of her illnesses, and she shared it with us.

How do I feel about it?

What do you think? When someone shows a list of her pain to a person who never tells others about her troubles, what do you think she's gonna feel?

The same way if you have a friend showing her travel photos, her happy family, her branded handbags and clothes...and shove them all to your face, you who are not as wealthy as her.

...Would you feel jealous?

No, not jealous. Instead, you'd be irritated. Annoyed.

Or up to a certain extent... vengeful.

She dares share it with me (it was a list of them!), hoping that I would care and feel sorry for her...

...just makes me feel resentful.

I have been enduring all these hurt and pain and fear alone, without telling you. I even decided to never let you know if I ever got admitted into a hospital because I don't want to trouble you from fussing over me. Because you'd get sick if you worry too much.

...But how dare you do this to me?

...

...Yes, I feel angry.

This freaking passive-aggressiveness, I freaking hate it.

I feel bitter, because I have to care, even though it makes me angry.

***

Here I am, staying alone in my room for the long weekend just trying to recover back from my anxiety. I had to reject my brother's request for help back in my hometown. That didn't feel good. I felt guilty for declining.

I felt guilty for saying no.

What the hell. Am I showing symptoms of being a doormat?

Being kind doesn't come easy for me, so I make a conscious effort for it. And now I'm even blaming myself for not being nice enough. For turning others down.

...Hahhh I'm tired.

What's the point.

Unpopular opinion on marriage

Bismillah.

What do I want...honestly.

Right now, there's some sort of love bug going around in our rented house. Suddenly, all of us began seeing someone.

But not all of us ended up successful.

That one housemate I'm rather close with, she met with someone else's husband. That guy told her after a month of them together.

The other housemate, she was okay with that guy, but currently he is jobless. But I guess still okay, since jobs can always be found.

The other housemate...seems to have hope. They are even in talks of marriage already. They like each other, so that's good. They met through Tinder.

Me?

Uhh...

Falaha introduced me to his husband's friend who is still single, same age, studied in UIA as well. A good guy...but I am not convinced.

It's not him...it's me. 

(Lol, typical reason for a breakup)

No, really. I am bored. I want something more. He's a normal guy, perhaps a bit shy, but otherwise nice and normal.

I guess...I am choosy.

Yes, I am. I know myself as not really wanting a lot of stuff, but once I want something, I make sure I get the best for the price I'm willing to pay. I buy something because I really want it, and I know why I bought it.

But this new 'friendship'...I don't know. Do I put in more effort to make it work? Doesn't feel like it's worth it. Do I give up then?

Or maybe...because this is not something I want. That's why I'm acting nonchalantly. But if so...then it's not good for him.

But earlier on, I already told him I don't promise anything from this acquaintance. I don't promise that this would move towards marriage. I said I'm just getting to know people to understand myself better, whether marriage is a thing for me or not.

Truth is...after knowing him, I'm becoming okay with not marrying.

Sure, I would love to have someone who takes care of me, who loves me...but am I ready to take on responsibilities, accept that person's faults and flaws, and serve him for the rest of my life?

Huh...jaga diri sendiri pun dah sedia susah. Apatah lagi jaga orang lain.

Aku rasa macam...apa gunanya kahwin kalau kita (perempuan) dapat susah? Lepas kahwin, perempuan kena kemas rumah, masak, basuh baju, layan laki, hadap perangai insan lain dalam hidup kita, dengar cakap dia, tak boleh lawan arahan suami...dalam masa yang sama juga berkerja, untuk bantu kewangan rumahtangga. Kalau sebelum berkahwin pun kita dah buat semua ni, cuma bezanya hidup single, kita cuma perlu hadap perangai diri sendiri je. Apa benda-benda lain yang kita nak buat, semua tak ada halangan. Tak perlu mintak izin sapa-sapa. Tak perlu risau ambil hati sapa-sapa. 

Aku pikir, apa lelaki boleh bagi aku? Duit? Kalau aku sendiri pun berkerja, apa guna duit yang orang lain bagi? Lelaki boleh bagi anak? Nanti yang kena tanggung bersalin 9 bulan: aku, yang tanggung sakit beranak: aku, yang jaga anak malam-malam, menyusukan anak, jaga anak sampai besar...kerja siapa? Perempuan kan? Kerja lelaki apa? Kerja je. Kalau lelaki nak complain kerja susah, hello, perempuan pun kerja susah jugak. Kenapa perempuan kena tanggung lebih banyak benda dari lelaki?

Ini aku tak paham.

Tak, aku tak cakap aku tak suka perkahwinan. Itu nabi larang. Aku masih open untuk kahwin, kalau jumpa lelaki yang betul-betul aku boleh percaya. Susah nak jumpa. Aku memilih? Yes, biar aku memilih. Sebab sekarang, yang aku nampak macam ni. Secara logiknya, antara hidup single yang ada kebebasan dan tak ada tanggungan, banding dengan hidup berumahtangga yang kau sebagai perempuan kena tanggung semua...baik aku stay single.

Takut dah tua nanti sunyi, tak ada teman? Tak ada anak untuk dijadikan harapan?

Sini aku nak tanya kau. Siapa jamin suami dan anak-anak kau akan kekal dengan kau sampai mati? Kalau diorang mati dulu sebelum kau? Akhirnya kau akan sama macam orang single jugak. Tak ada beza. Siapa yang boleh bantu kau bila dah tua nanti? Aku kurang setuju dengan orang yang nak anak sebab nanti dah tua ada orang jaga. Anak itu bukan pelaburan masa tua kau macam KWSP atau PRS (Private Retirement Scheme). Anak itu dilahirkan, dibesarkan untuk menyiapkan dia menghadapi dunia luar. Anak itu dilahirkan sebagai insan lain yang perlu dilatih untuk mampu berdiri sendiri dalam hidup dia. Kenapa kita nak ikat dia dengan kontrak yang dia perlu jadi orang suruhan kita sebab kita dah jaga dia? Yes, tanggungjawab anak adalah berbakti kepada ibu bapa. Tapi itu tak bermaksud ibu bapa perlu bergantung kepada anak.

Tak setuju? Tak apa. Siapa aku nak membebel pasal anak, sedangkan aku kahwin pun belum.

Hmm.

Yes, mungkin orang cakap cinta dan kasih sayang antara suami isteri tu best. Tapi berbaloi ke dengan kerja-kerja tambahan yang kau dapat lepas kahwin? Adakah dengan kata-kata manis dari laki kau tu dah cukup untuk bayar semua lelah yang kau dapat?

...Mungkin cukup je sebenarnya, ek? Sebab tu lebih ramai orang kahwin berbanding stay single, ek?

Entahlah. Aku...susah nak terima kata-kata manis. Orang cakap terima kasih pun, aku tak reply 'sama-sama'. Aku reply macam ni:

1)

Orang    : Terima kasih.

Aku    : Takde ape lah/ No problem.

Maksud    : Tak susah pun tolong kau. Sebab tu aku tolong. Biasanya sebab orang ni aku sayang betul, or sebab aku nak balas budi, or sebab pertolongan tu memang ringan je.

2)

Orang    : Terima kasih.

Aku    : Okay/Orait.

Maksud    : Apa yang dia mintak tolong tu susah aku nak buat. Tapi aku tolong jugak. So, reply aku pendek je sebab lebih baik kalau dia tak mintak tolong aku.

Reply nombor 2 tu banyak aku guna dalam kerja sekarang. Soalan complicated users bagi, dan bila aku jawab, aku takde rasa gembira pun bila diorang cakap terima kasih. Aku bukannya hadap sangat terima kasih diorang. Lebih baik kalau diorang tak kacau aku dengan soalan-soalan susah tu. Aku perasan, aku bukanlah orang yang perlukan penghargaan sangat. Kalau aku siapkan kerja pun, aku tak mengharap orang perasan dan ucap terima kasih pun. Kerja aku sekarang, bos aku diam relax je takde susah-susah nak puji performance aku pun. Cukup dia bayar gaji aku bulan-bulan dah. Dia tak nak bagi bonus ke, increment ke takpelah, janji dia tak kacau aku dan kerja aku pun tak banyak sampai stress. Cukuplah. Aku bukan mintak perhatian pun. Cukuplah dengan dia layan aku baik, tak menyusahkan hidup aku.

So, berdasarkan apa yang aku tulis at atas, nampaknya aku kena carik lelaki yang layan aku dengan baik, yang tak mengharapkan aku (boleh bawak diri) dan tak menyusahkan hidup aku. Partner ibarat seorang bestfriend dan housemate yang bertanggungjawab. Rumah tu kau duduk jugak kan? Kenapa aku sorang je yang kena kemas semua? Lainlah kalau kau bayar aku untuk buat semua tu.

Kalau macam tu lebih baik hire maid, kau cakap? Tapi kau tak boleh tidur/buat anak dengan maid kau.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Once upon a time I was a VP, doing free work

Bismillah.

Just finished reading my old blog from when I was a Vice President of a Committee back during my pre-Uni years = Foundation Studies. I was trying to get some inspirations...being alone in this big city away from family for a few months inluding Raya(!) because of this Coronavirus, and work is giving me more trouble than normal...feels like giving up and doubting myself if I'm really useless like there's nothing worthy in me except for the work that I do...that kind of doubt.

So after reading it, I did feel slightly better. At least that's something. I'm thankful to my old self for jotting those all experiences down so that the current me can read it. Heck...that journal of what, 1.5 years being a VP2 in FRC (Facilitator Representative Committed), it's not beautiful or full of glitters or rainbow moments that you find in fairy tales. Let me tell you what that journal was filled with. It's filled with stories of me making a fool of myself.

But in a good way.

In that journal, I read through all the experiences I was going through from the first time being asked to lead (despite not having any experiences at all), to multiple times of me trying to conduct meetings and failed (thus making a fool out of myself in front of A LOT of people), to the mistakes that I did, and the things that I should've done but didn't, the things I regretted...so many of them. And that's just within the span of 1.5 years.

Heck I don't know how it happened, but it happened.

The first point, of me being asked to be a VP. Sure, there were talks on how someone else should've taken the role, but did they then? No, I stayed as VP. Because why? Because I said I was willing to. No one else was. One thing that inspires me after reading that journal is this part: when I asked a speaker in a motivational talk 'What's your opinion on a society which assigned someone to be leader even if she doesn't have the experience, because no one else is going to be?'. And the speaker said, 'As long as she's willing to. But support from team members are really important'.

Yes, from here I now understand that I'm doing this because I'm willing to. It's of my own choice, even though I know I don't like it, and much prefer to be doing something else. But I am doing this (work) for now because I'm willing to, for reasons. But it's hard. I realized that I got a TONS of support back then. My team members were all giving me words of encouragement. But now? What team members? What support?

...I'm on my own.

Seriously, come to think of it, that VP position was given to me because no one else wanted it. And now working in IT support, I am handling Cognos system alone because no one else wants to handle it. It's an old, outdated system that is going to be out of commission soon (heck not soon enough if you ask me, if it's really soon I would be uber happy to get it out of my hand. I need to support it until next friggin year), all the other team members are on board for the new shiny stuff that is tha thing...all the Big Data and Internet of Things that supposedly in demand right now. And here I am, handling this cursed buggy system. Alone.

The second point I learned from my old journal, was that I was more brave to make a fool of myself. People back then told me to do this and that...and I did, absolutely no questions asked. I went along, thus contributed to making me look like a fool. Did I learn something from it? I don't know honestly. All I remember was feeling a bit more confident at the end of the experiences. Even now when I read it I feel like some of the requests from the people might be a bit overwhelming, but somehow the old me just say yes and did it anyway. If you ask me, I would say that old me was pretty crazy...but this current me is admittedly too much of a coward. That much I will admit.

Too scared of making a fool out of myself again now. Too scared of making mistakes, as the consequences are much more damning now that you're an adult. When that bravery used to be the thing that defined who I was before. When I looked back at those pictures, you can see the fire in my eyes, you know? Now? I don't have to look into the mirror to see that the fire was dead long ago. No wonder one of my team members before had mentioned during a reunion, that the light in my eyes was no longer there. Really, mate? Life, that's what happened.

Amusing people. That's what I did back then, when I made a fool of myself. At least they were happy. Perhaps annoyed by some of my eccentricities, but amused, for the most part. And they accepted my eccentricities. That paid it for me. Their honest smiles. Sure, those mistakes I've made will stay with me as scars, but at least I got something out of it. Being in the committee we worked our backs off days and nights ignoring studies and assignments and homework...not to mention that we all did it without being paid!...Gosh...I got a C for my Math exam because of it...(well, partly because the classes were too much early mornings and too lengthy), I didn't study enough for it and perhaps I was too tired to care, during the exam I read through the questions and answered only a few, then just said screw this I'm not doing it anymore for the rest of the paper. No, I don't regret it. It was past my limit, and I knew it.

Now I'm asking myself: what am I doing? Scrambling to please all those users on all the issues brought forth by an old system that no one else cares about. Sure, you don't care about it but there are still users using it and I need to face them alone with no help at all?! Damn customer service. That's what I've gotten myself into. Yes, for all the stress I'm facing, at least I'm getting paid for it, compared to that journal story. But I lost my light along the way. Is it worth it?

Or is this called just being adult, and I just need to go along with it?

😔

My values.

Bismillah.

Does it make sense?

...No, for me it doesn't.

Does it make sense? Kenal sebab kawan kenalkan each other, then contact through WhatsApp, tanya soalan nak berkenalan dalam sebulan gitu...lepas tu jumpa beramai-ramai makan sama-sama.

That's it. Jumpa just once.

And time-time tu jugak kawan tanya, "So...bila nak jumpa mak bapak?"

....Kepala hotak dia.

Kawan kesayangan aku ni, Tapi ada jugak yang aku marahkan dia.

"Senang buat macam tu, nanti takdelah kenal lama-lama lepas tu tak jadi."

1. Tak adil. Kau sendiri kahwin dengan kawan yang kau kenal dari kecil. Even so, at some point in the past you were still not sure if you will marry him or not. Itu kawan dari kecik tau, aku ni? Baru first time jumpa.

2. Hati budi orang ni pun aku tak tau. Apa dia suka, apa dia tak suka. What's my likes and dislikes pun dia tak tahu. Nama penuh each other pun tak tau! And you think we should already make a move for the next step in relationship? What relationship?? At this point I don't even consider him as friends! And you want me to meet his parents already? WTH??

3. Not in line with my values. Orang macam aku, if I am to adopt/accept a certain learned knowledge/facts, I need to make sure it's in line with my own logic. Example: Kalau belaja Math, belaja mesti sampai faham dalam hati, dan dengan keyakinan. Kalau takat hafal, nope, won't work. Right now, you are telling me to just go on with it without conviction. And that's against my values.

Huh...

Maybe I should just stop this. Just tell them that I can't do it. I can't do what they expected me to do. Bukan salah mamat tu pun. He didn't do anything. Kawan-kawan yang pushy tanya so what's the next plan. Although I understand their view, but that doesn't necessarily mean I agree with them. I have my own values.

Kawin tanpa kenal betul-betul? Not my style. If I'm gonna marry, better marry with conviction. Sorry friend, I hope this won't affect our friendship.

Huh...perhaps it's just me. Aku yang nak kenal-kenal dulu. Kawan dulu. Maybe diorang punya perception lain, once I agree to meeting up, that means I want to proceed with the relationship. Maybe this part is where we misunderstood each other. Maybe it's worth clearing this up between all of us.

So first, I would need to be clear with that mamat. It's not his fault, just that if he's expecting the same thing, I would have to say no. I didn't agree to this with that kind of mindset. I need to ask him first what he thinks about it, before telling him my thoughts.

Second, let my friend know that I'm not going to go through with it. Like she said, better stop now that let it continue longer than it should. Tell her I'm not in this with marriage mindset.

Third, I need to setup a game plan on my own, if I want to search for some guy friends to get to know. Maybe this friend-introduce thing won't work as effective, especially since this guy is a close friend to both of them. So I would be seen as the bad guy if I did something wrong.

And all in all, ask God for guidance.

Hmm...what kind of game plan? Tinder? Out of the question. Those matchmaking websites? Don't know how far should I trust them. But right now I'm sure, I need to do this on my own. Doing it with help from others brings too much pressure.

Relax, you're not rushing to get married. You're happy with being single right now, it's just that you're curious on whether you would want to get married or not if you know some guy friends.

We'll see.