Bismillah.
Just finished reading my old blog from when I was a Vice President of a Committee back during my pre-Uni years = Foundation Studies. I was trying to get some inspirations...being alone in this big city away from family for a few months inluding Raya(!) because of this Coronavirus, and work is giving me more trouble than normal...feels like giving up and doubting myself if I'm really useless like there's nothing worthy in me except for the work that I do...that kind of doubt.
So after reading it, I did feel slightly better. At least that's something. I'm thankful to my old self for jotting those all experiences down so that the current me can read it. Heck...that journal of what, 1.5 years being a VP2 in FRC (Facilitator Representative Committed), it's not beautiful or full of glitters or rainbow moments that you find in fairy tales. Let me tell you what that journal was filled with. It's filled with stories of me making a fool of myself.
But in a good way.
In that journal, I read through all the experiences I was going through from the first time being asked to lead (despite not having any experiences at all), to multiple times of me trying to conduct meetings and failed (thus making a fool out of myself in front of A LOT of people), to the mistakes that I did, and the things that I should've done but didn't, the things I regretted...so many of them. And that's just within the span of 1.5 years.
Heck I don't know how it happened, but it happened.
The first point, of me being asked to be a VP. Sure, there were talks on how someone else should've taken the role, but did they then? No, I stayed as VP. Because why? Because I said I was willing to. No one else was. One thing that inspires me after reading that journal is this part: when I asked a speaker in a motivational talk 'What's your opinion on a society which assigned someone to be leader even if she doesn't have the experience, because no one else is going to be?'. And the speaker said, 'As long as she's willing to. But support from team members are really important'.
Yes, from here I now understand that I'm doing this because I'm willing to. It's of my own choice, even though I know I don't like it, and much prefer to be doing something else. But I am doing this (work) for now because I'm willing to, for reasons. But it's hard. I realized that I got a TONS of support back then. My team members were all giving me words of encouragement. But now? What team members? What support?
...I'm on my own.
Seriously, come to think of it, that VP position was given to me because no one else wanted it. And now working in IT support, I am handling Cognos system alone because no one else wants to handle it. It's an old, outdated system that is going to be out of commission soon (heck not soon enough if you ask me, if it's really soon I would be uber happy to get it out of my hand. I need to support it until next friggin year), all the other team members are on board for the new shiny stuff that is tha thing...all the Big Data and Internet of Things that supposedly in demand right now. And here I am, handling this cursed buggy system. Alone.
The second point I learned from my old journal, was that I was more brave to make a fool of myself. People back then told me to do this and that...and I did, absolutely no questions asked. I went along, thus contributed to making me look like a fool. Did I learn something from it? I don't know honestly. All I remember was feeling a bit more confident at the end of the experiences. Even now when I read it I feel like some of the requests from the people might be a bit overwhelming, but somehow the old me just say yes and did it anyway. If you ask me, I would say that old me was pretty crazy...but this current me is admittedly too much of a coward. That much I will admit.
Too scared of making a fool out of myself again now. Too scared of making mistakes, as the consequences are much more damning now that you're an adult. When that bravery used to be the thing that defined who I was before. When I looked back at those pictures, you can see the fire in my eyes, you know? Now? I don't have to look into the mirror to see that the fire was dead long ago. No wonder one of my team members before had mentioned during a reunion, that the light in my eyes was no longer there. Really, mate? Life, that's what happened.
Amusing people. That's what I did back then, when I made a fool of myself. At least they were happy. Perhaps annoyed by some of my eccentricities, but amused, for the most part. And they accepted my eccentricities. That paid it for me. Their honest smiles. Sure, those mistakes I've made will stay with me as scars, but at least I got something out of it. Being in the committee we worked our backs off days and nights ignoring studies and assignments and homework...not to mention that we all did it without being paid!...Gosh...I got a C for my Math exam because of it...(well, partly because the classes were too much early mornings and too lengthy), I didn't study enough for it and perhaps I was too tired to care, during the exam I read through the questions and answered only a few, then just said screw this I'm not doing it anymore for the rest of the paper. No, I don't regret it. It was past my limit, and I knew it.
Now I'm asking myself: what am I doing? Scrambling to please all those users on all the issues brought forth by an old system that no one else cares about. Sure, you don't care about it but there are still users using it and I need to face them alone with no help at all?! Damn customer service. That's what I've gotten myself into. Yes, for all the stress I'm facing, at least I'm getting paid for it, compared to that journal story. But I lost my light along the way. Is it worth it?
Or is this called just being adult, and I just need to go along with it?
😔