God.
I'm scared, that I just realized that I am capable of being a bad person.
I'm scared of myself.
I'm....disgusted.
Angry, at myself.
Realized, that being good requires effort.
As always. It has always been like that since the beginning.
***
I like playing The Sims PC game. I have The Sims 4 installed currently.
It's good. I have built a replica of what my house would be when its development is completed probably some time this year (hopefully).
The game also encourages me to clean up my real-life house more often, developing that habit.
It is a life simulator game. It's in the name.
So I simulated living alone in my house replica. It was good. I didn't have a job but have plenty of money (cheat codes), I freely spend time on hobby, and when I was bored, I went out and socialize.
Then I took it one step further.
I simulated what it'll be like to be in a relationship. To be married. To have babies.
You can customize the personality of your partner, so that's what I did. I made him a loyal, dedicated lover focusing on his soulmate.
And I made my own character, as the person wearing the pants in the house, i.e. the breadwinner.
While the husband is the manwife...the one who gets pregnant and breastfeeds and cares for the family.
Gosh...it ended up making me feel terrible.
At first I felt good, it felt as if that's what I wanted.
I don't want to be the 'weaker' one in the relationship. So with this dynamic, I felt like I was dominating him. And he's depending on me. And he loves me so much, only me.
After a while...it gets boring.
My character started flirting with other people, until the manwife got jealous, then my character said her apologies and they got back together.
But the bored feeling didn't go away.
I wonder what was wrong.
I wonder if all those cheating men with a stay-at-home wives felt the same way.
Because I felt safe with the consistent love readily available, waiting for me at home? So was that why my character felt like it's okay to venture out?
My character didn't realize what she got until it's lost?
What will she really feel when they broke up? Did she even love him? Or will she only miss the benefits she got from the relationship, not the person?
Right.
So she got into the relationship for the benefits, not for the person.
That's why.
That's why she felt okay to try out other people, because she didn't really love the person she had at home.
She didn't really care for him.
How sad.
The partner needs to have something that she can admire. That she can respect. That she can be impressed with.
Then she'll like him as a person. Then, she'll see him as a person.
As of now, the manwife character that I've created as the partner, she only sees him as the benefit-giver.
My mistake as well, as during character creation, I didn't give the man enough personality that'll make him interesting.
Or useful.
His only redeeming trait is his loyal love.
...
Does that mean that a real-life person who only knows how to love...is useless?
Probably not.
But, that kind of person might not be compatible with me.
Other issues my character had when living with the manwife are, that my character was too dependable.
She worked hard, brings home money, gets promoted a few times...then at home, she cooked, she cleaned, she even fixed anything broken! While the man...
His job was to express devotion to her, get pregnant and takes care of the baby. His skills were mostly gym-related, making drinks and practicing guitar.
Sometimes my character comes home and feels like screaming at him to make himself useful.
But she can't, because he's pregnant with their baby. Because she slept with him every chance she gets. So he's pregnant all the time.
Even though she didn't want kids.
Ughhh...the kids...don't make me start...
...
Of course life changes once you have a child.
Gosh, the reality train sure hits hard. The first few days after the couple brought their baby home, I got annoyed with the extra responsibility/extra work that the baby brings.
Every other hours the baby will cry, needing to be fed and change diapers. So far, my character just did the bare minimum, i.e. those two. She got annoyed, she didn't even bother to bond with the baby. The Sims gave a few options to play with the baby, coo at, bounce, rock, kiss forehead, cuddle...but my character only feeds and change diapers.
Well, I guess since she's not the one giving birth to it, the manwife did. So she didn't feel much responsibility.
Sure, the baby's cute, but why, why does my own heart feel heavy?
It's....extra work.
Of course.
Hah... 😓
...
God...
I'm sorry.
With what I'm feeling...I'm scorning myself.
I feel like I'm not a good person.
I tried...but not good enough.
I don't like myself right now.
I don't like me.
I don't think I can be with other people like this.
How? How do I like myself again?
How do I have self-respect again?
***
You know, when we hear for successful person, like renowned athlete or violinist or chef, they all started doing their passion since they were just a kid.
For me, when I was in primary school I love writing stories. Now, somehow it stopped.
How about you? What did you like to do when you were a kid?