Disliking own self.

Bismillah.

God.

I'm scared, that I just realized that I am capable of being a bad person.

I'm scared of myself.

I'm....disgusted.

Angry, at myself.

Realized, that being good requires effort.

As always. It has always been like that since the beginning.

***

I like playing The Sims PC game. I have The Sims 4 installed currently.

It's good. I have built a replica of what my house would be when its development is completed probably some time this year (hopefully).

The game also encourages me to clean up my real-life house more often, developing that habit.

It is a life simulator game. It's in the name.

So I simulated living alone in my house replica. It was good. I didn't have a job but have plenty of money (cheat codes), I freely spend time on hobby, and when I was bored, I went out and socialize.

Then I took it one step further.

I simulated what it'll be like to be in a relationship. To be married. To have babies.

You can customize the personality of your partner, so that's what I did. I made him a loyal, dedicated lover focusing on his soulmate.

And I made my own character, as the person wearing the pants in the house, i.e. the breadwinner.

While the husband is the manwife...the one who gets pregnant and breastfeeds and cares for the family.

Gosh...it ended up making me feel terrible.

At first I felt good, it felt as if that's what I wanted.

I don't want to be the 'weaker' one in the relationship. So with this dynamic, I felt like I was dominating him. And he's depending on me. And he loves me so much, only me.

After a while...it gets boring.

My character started flirting with other people, until the manwife got jealous, then my character said her apologies and they got back together.

But the bored feeling didn't go away.

I wonder what was wrong.

I wonder if all those cheating men with a stay-at-home wives felt the same way.

Because I felt safe with the consistent love readily available, waiting for me at home? So was that why my character felt like it's okay to venture out?

My character didn't realize what she got until it's lost?

What will she really feel when they broke up? Did she even love him? Or will she only miss the benefits she got from the relationship, not the person?

Right.

So she got into the relationship for the benefits, not for the person.

That's why.

That's why she felt okay to try out other people, because she didn't really love the person she had at home.

She didn't really care for him.

How sad.

The partner needs to have something that she can admire. That she can respect. That she can be impressed with.

Then she'll like him as a person. Then, she'll see him as a person.

As of now, the manwife character that I've created as the partner, she only sees him as the benefit-giver.

My mistake as well, as during character creation, I didn't give the man enough personality that'll make him interesting.

Or useful.

His only redeeming trait is his loyal love.

...

Does that mean that a real-life person who only knows how to love...is useless?

Probably not.

But, that kind of person might not be compatible with me.

Other issues my character had when living with the manwife are, that my character was too dependable.

She worked hard, brings home money, gets promoted a few times...then at home, she cooked, she cleaned, she even fixed anything broken! While the man...

His job was to express devotion to her, get pregnant and takes care of the baby. His skills were mostly gym-related, making drinks and practicing guitar.

Sometimes my character comes home and feels like screaming at him to make himself useful.

But she can't, because he's pregnant with their baby. Because she slept with him every chance she gets. So he's pregnant all the time.

Even though she didn't want kids.

Ughhh...the kids...don't make me start...

...

Of course life changes once you have a child.

Gosh, the reality train sure hits hard. The first few days after the couple brought their baby home, I got annoyed with the extra responsibility/extra work that the baby brings.

Every other hours the baby will cry, needing to be fed and change diapers. So far, my character just did the bare minimum, i.e. those two. She got annoyed, she didn't even bother to bond with the baby. The Sims gave a few options to play with the baby, coo at, bounce, rock, kiss forehead, cuddle...but my character only feeds and change diapers.

Well, I guess since she's not the one giving birth to it, the manwife did. So she didn't feel much responsibility.

Sure, the baby's cute, but why, why does my own heart feel heavy?

It's....extra work.

Of course.

Hah... 😓

...

God...

I'm sorry.

With what I'm feeling...I'm scorning myself.

I feel like I'm not a good person.

I tried...but not good enough.

I don't like myself right now.

I don't like me.

I don't think I can be with other people like this.

How? How do I like myself again?

How do I have self-respect again?

***

You know, when we hear for successful person, like renowned athlete or violinist or chef, they all started doing their passion since they were just a kid.

For me, when I was in primary school I love writing stories. Now, somehow it stopped.

How about you? What did you like to do when you were a kid?

Breakup.

Bismillah.

If everyone likes you and finds you reliable, you'd think that's a good thing, right?

...

What if, as a consequence, everyone goes to you whenever they need help, until you feel torn apart and exhausted from having to give attention to all of them?

...I think I'm an ambivert. I would be nice to strangers on a good day, until that stranger no longer feel awkward with me. But at the same time, my energy drains every time I talk and smile.

How do I fix this?

How do I take a break, when everyone's depending on me?

Why are you so scared to take a break? Because you're scared you will burden our colleagues for having to take over your job?

But if you send your resignation letter now, you'll still stay until project completion. Should be no problem there, right?

Or is it because you are scared you'll be alone once you quit work? That all those people that you've help, would no longer have opportunity to reciprocate? That you wouldn't have your return of investment?

Why are you expecting something back?

No, I'm not.

I'm scared of being alone.

That mean's I'm putting work as my main identity.

I'm depending on work to give me life meaning.

That...I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Meaning, you are actually depending on something. You're not fully independent.

You gotta take back your identity.

Your freedom.

You are not your work.

You can survive any other places.

You have always been flexible. Just see how you are nice to everyone, without prejudice.

You can survive.

It's okay if you end up being a cleaner.

As long as you stay happy with yourself.

It's okay if you lose all those people from work who like to hang around with you.

That means they only hang around you because they get something from you.

Once you stop giving it to them, they stop being nice to you. 🤷

You gotta cut your losses.

Please...be nice to your own self.

What if you see your best friend suffering like you right now? What kind of advice would you give her?

I would say... take a break.

Stop thinking if your break would cause trouble to the project or the people.

You need it.

You yourself might break if you don't take this break.

You are breaking.

That's why you're reaching out like this.

If you can take it, you'd never raise this issue.

It is an issue, that's why it's appearing.

Like an illness or a disease. If you're healthy, nothing is an issue. But once you're sick, symptoms pop up. And when symptoms pop up, that's when you need to take medicine.

Even if the medicine is bitter.

Even if...quitting your job is bitter.

It's almost like breaking up from a relationship.

Admittedly, I like what I'm doing.

I'm involved with building SQL logic.

And I like the colleagues. They are nice people.

Bosses as well, they are all good people.

Yes, it's like breaking up.

You're sad that you have to end this.

Imagine those scenes in romance movies saying, "I love you, but we can't continue like this," while crying.

Yes, it feels like that.

Why can't we continue, you asked?

It's because I feel like I'm giving too much.

You might say you can change.

But for now, I just need a break.

To re-evaluate my life back.

I'm sorry.

But I need it.

I need it.

Dear God...

Hah...

Please...help me.

It will be a tearful breakup.

I will need to recognize and acknowledge that.

It's okay.

It does hurt.

You will cry.

But it's okay.

It will be okay.

At least you'll only cry once during the breakup.

Instead of crying yourself to sleep every night and in the morning before work.

 

It's okay.

It shows how passionate you are working there.

It shows how invested you are.

Which is not a bad thing.

It's okay, cry. It is a sad breakup.

It is sad.

Your heart will hurt, during the breakup process.

But only that time.

Your heart will stop hurting from the daily work itself.

Kid crying? I'm crying too.

Bismillah.

I realize I can't hang around kids.

No, I don't hate kids, I like playing with them.

But to be around them 24 hours daily...I don't think I can do it.

I would get sooo anxious and drained and jittery from being needed all the time.

And I would break down.

And I would pull away and closed my doors.

It has happened.

Kids, you can't reason with them. Nor can you just leave them to do whatever they want. They need supervision.

See, I'll get especially anxious if I'm with a kid who refuses to do what I need them to do.

If it's an adult, it's easy.

If I told you to clean up your mess and you refuse, I can just leave. Or resent you in silence. Or plot a revenge behind your back.

With kids? You can't simply leave! Who knows what kind of danger they'll get into if you leave them alone!

And you can't even hate them for their tantrums. They're kids! They don't know how to regulate emotions yet.

See, that's what happened when I was left to babysit my nephew for a day. Just one kid! The kid cried out when their parents left, refusing to follow me. What am I suppose to do?? Pull at him forcefully??

...yeah, I know. I should calm him down, pujuk him.

See? That's where the problem is.

I would myself cry if I start to pujuk him.

You know why?

Because I'd feel helpless.

Because I don't feel loved enough to love back.

I guess that's how those single mothers feel.

Or I guess, I don't have any skills in conflict management.

Everytime there's conflict with people, I clam up.

I thought everyone also feel the same way, but one day I wondered, what if everyone else is actually okay with being scolded at? With being angry with someone?

How, when you are angry at your loved ones, you still can take care of them?

Why? Why I tried to calm the crying kid, I would feel so lonely like I haven't had someone be there for me when I cry?

Wouldn't you cry, if you had so many things to do, yet your child keeps crying and wanting your attention, you feel so frustrated and exhausted that you ended up crying while carrying the child in your arms and still doing whatever chores you needed to do?

Does that mean I'm just so tired of giving the world what it's demanding from me, that I don't have any energy left to deal with a crying kid?

How do I stop being so tired?