Kid crying? I'm crying too.

Bismillah.

I realize I can't hang around kids.

No, I don't hate kids, I like playing with them.

But to be around them 24 hours daily...I don't think I can do it.

I would get sooo anxious and drained and jittery from being needed all the time.

And I would break down.

And I would pull away and closed my doors.

It has happened.

Kids, you can't reason with them. Nor can you just leave them to do whatever they want. They need supervision.

See, I'll get especially anxious if I'm with a kid who refuses to do what I need them to do.

If it's an adult, it's easy.

If I told you to clean up your mess and you refuse, I can just leave. Or resent you in silence. Or plot a revenge behind your back.

With kids? You can't simply leave! Who knows what kind of danger they'll get into if you leave them alone!

And you can't even hate them for their tantrums. They're kids! They don't know how to regulate emotions yet.

See, that's what happened when I was left to babysit my nephew for a day. Just one kid! The kid cried out when their parents left, refusing to follow me. What am I suppose to do?? Pull at him forcefully??

...yeah, I know. I should calm him down, pujuk him.

See? That's where the problem is.

I would myself cry if I start to pujuk him.

You know why?

Because I'd feel helpless.

Because I don't feel loved enough to love back.

I guess that's how those single mothers feel.

Or I guess, I don't have any skills in conflict management.

Everytime there's conflict with people, I clam up.

I thought everyone also feel the same way, but one day I wondered, what if everyone else is actually okay with being scolded at? With being angry with someone?

How, when you are angry at your loved ones, you still can take care of them?

Why? Why I tried to calm the crying kid, I would feel so lonely like I haven't had someone be there for me when I cry?

Wouldn't you cry, if you had so many things to do, yet your child keeps crying and wanting your attention, you feel so frustrated and exhausted that you ended up crying while carrying the child in your arms and still doing whatever chores you needed to do?

Does that mean I'm just so tired of giving the world what it's demanding from me, that I don't have any energy left to deal with a crying kid?

How do I stop being so tired?

Tired...of cooking.

Bismillah.

God...I want a break.

From life.

This recent Raya season was sooo hectic.

At least for me.

I guess because I was feeling responsible.

Like a mother feeling responsible for all the celebration going on in the house.

Well, not all.

Because my mother is already old, and not that well, so I feel like I have to rile up my siblings to help out with house chores.

And all the cooking...phew 😮‍💨

5th of April I was working, and they all went for iftar at the masjid so I didn't cook and ate whatever they brought back from there.

But 6th Apr the sahur morning, I woke up to cook sup sawi even though I was not fasting.

Then 6th April iftar, I cooked sup Thai and my sister cooked tempe goreng with sambal penyet.

That nigh we went around bazar, shopped for some fireworks and my brother's raya clothes.

7th April sahur, apparently they didn't have enough leftover rice to eat because my youngest brother ate them during midnight 😑

Went to Sunday morning market with mom.

7th April iftar, my mom cooked kengsom. My brother complained about eating weird menus 😑 Also, I cleaned the paru my mom bought at pasar pagi, cut my finger with the butcher knife 😖 damn hurt I didn't dare to open the bandage for 2 whole days!

8th April iftar, my mom cooked paru and requested me to cook kabsah rice, since she had the kabsah spice mix she bought from a while ago. At the same time, masjid was inviting people to come iftar there, they were having kabsah rice too, sponsored by some restaurant or catering or something. I had to compete apparently 😂 Even though I've never cooked kabsah before, and near iftar time the rice was almost not fully cooked, but at the end, all was well and no complaints 😌... Mom used a roundabout way to compliment me (while at the same time criticizing me, typical), saying why you're good at cooking but lazy to cook back in KL?

And, again, that older brother of mine, always had things to pick on, said he wanted to eat something he's familiar with. Bro just went blind, ignoring all my sweats and tears cooking for hours in the kitchen 🙄

9th April sahur my mom finally made singgang because that brother requested, and I woke up to cook some veggies, then went back to sleep without eating lol

9th April iftar I cooked mee lidi goreng basah, which that brother of mine complained again (!) saying why is it not the dry version. Like bro, cook yourself la! 😡 Also, I stubbed my big toe while cleaning up the house and moving furniture, it hurt like hell and was bleeding, yet no one knows because I DIDN'T TELL!

And people dare complain so much!!! GRRRRR

Then 10th April, 1st day of Raya we cooked nasi lemak, I got the sambal bilis and sambal sotong ready. My sister dared leaving the nasi uncooked and went to the mosque, like, hey! You left your responsibility to us, when we wanted to go to the mosque too!!! GRRRRR 😡

But, my sambal was so good that my brothers' wives loved it.

11th April 2nd day raya, my mom made laksa. I got so tired of cooking by now, I didn't cook anything except helping mom with cutting veggies and boiling eggs. Balik kampung balik hari, then masak nasi a bit when arrived back home, these people tumpang2 my nasi (like they don't know how to cook it on their own 🙄)

12th April 3rd day Raya, we got guests coming, stopping by our house before entering the highway back to KL. Didn't really cooked, just prepared some nasi himpit, kuah kacang, sate, serunding for them to eat.

13th April, another guest from Pekan came, ManDak. I made mee hoon sup.

14th April, another guest from Pekan, Kamil AcuDin. We made mee curry. Well, my mom made the curry, we prepared whatever else needed.

15th April. Woi, harini aku dah balik KL. Penat gila full week asyik masak aje. Naik fedup pun ada. Nasib baik sebelum balik, adik aku buat kerapu sweet sour. Tu pun aku yang goreng dulu kerapu nya.

Haaa

Nasib semua sedap

Banyak resepi refer Che Nom punya Youtube aje.

Thanks Che Nom <3

Passionate about good food

Bismillah.

Have you ever feel so strongly about something?

I guess that's what people call PASSION.

And you know what I feel strongly about? Eating GOOD FOOD.

You know what spurred me to write this post all of a sudden?

Because I was scrolling for some recipes and after a while, I felt like crying because they look sooo good and I wanna taste them all but I couldn't T_T 

That's how sad and frustrated I feel, especially if I've had that good food before. I would be haunted by how good it tasted and how I wanted to eat it more.

You might argue that I could just cook it, but it's different! I feel like whatever I cook would taste as expected. I know what I put in my cooking so I would've expected how it tastes like.

I feel like...this is an unachievable dream T_T

Unless I find a chef as my life partner ;)