Just...sit here.

"Hey Naqi."

"..."

"Yeah...I know. Dah lama aku tak datang sini kan?"

"..."

"Naqi."

"..."

"Kau dah tak nak jadi kawan aku ke?"

"..."

"Okay then."

"..."

******************************

Senang.

Senang aku nak lupakan orang.

I know I can do that.

But feelings...are hurt.

Not just yours, mine, too.

But I sort of ignore.

Or not know what to do with it.

...give up on me?

I totally get it, that I'm not friendly like others.

I get it.

So...it's okay.

It hurts.

I do want to be accepted.

But maybe that's too much to ask. (^_^;)

Therefore I'll sit here quietly.

Just...sit here.

Steins;Gate

I watched Steins;Gate. And yes, the premise is very promising. That's what hooked me up to watch it. I'll give it 8.5/10.

But lemme just rant on what Steins;Gate could've done better. Spoilers everywhere. Consider yourselves warned.

The first arc, where all of the D-Mails started being sent...those episodes were kinda slow, but the conflict will surely start at episode 11 or something. All those D-Mails were not without purpose for the story. So it's an okay. 

Then, Okabe was presented with Mayuri's death, and then he swore to save Mayuri no matter what. He repeatedly time-leaped, always watched Mayuri's deaths in those different world lines. His action made me believe that he REALLY cared for Mayuri that he couldn't accept her death. For me, if Mayuri was just a friend, I would stop time leaping after watching a few of her deaths and then tried to analyze the whole thing rationally. Then maybe I'll stop time leaping all together and come to accept Mayuri's death. He instead kept going time leaping until he sort of broken inside. Well, maybe his personality is different than mine, but that's okay. I get why he so desperately wanting to save Mayuri, or rather, I formed my own opinion in why he wanted to save Mayuri so much. Because he cared for her. But I've also read in a blog that said that he simply wanted to save Mayuri over and over because he couldn't accept his mistakes of changing world lines through D-Mails. But for now let's go with the opinion that he cared so much for Mayuri.

So he time leaped. Discussed about Mayuri's death with Kurisu each time. And Kurisu helped him each time, supporting him. Yes, I can get that by this time Okabe would develop feelings to Kurisu, but love...wasn't really on my mind. It was more like....care. Grateful...or something. More of like care between dear friends, loyal companions that would die for each other...something like that. If you say that it's love...I don't know...I feel like something's missing. Because Okabe's main mission is to save Mayuri, remember? Then why would he wasted his time kissing other girl? It...contradicts, if we go with my opinion that Okabe wanted to saved Mayuri because he really cared for her. Or maybe...the love relationship wasn't shown and explained quite well.

Besides, if Okabe's in love with Kurisu, why would he sacrificed her instead of Mayuri? I can't brain this. If you love someone, you couldn't live without her, right? That's why he so desperately trying to save Mayuri. He love Mayuri. But then he twisted logic by saying he love Kurisu and let her die anyway. Can somebody explain this for me please? Hmm. Well maybe he's being rational and just really wanted to return to the original world, clean from any time machine whatsoever. But why would he want that in the first place? Because he experienced a fearful situation lest he let them continue doing the experiments. Existence of time machine made his loved one died. So he sacrificed Moeka, Mr Braun (a useless death), Faris's and Ruka's dreams to return to the original world with no time machine. But what is his main objective, really? To return to Beta world line, or to save Mayuri no matter what? If the first, then his love towards Kurisu is acceptable. But if the latter, then why the heck that when he finally got to Beta world line, he's acting like nothing is going on with him and Mayuri? But he wanted to return to Beta world line in the first place because he doesn't want Mayuri to die, right? Argh I'm confused.

Furthermore...I am among the few who believe that the 22nd episode would be the better ending. Kurisu's death would've been meaningful and give more impact if left just like that. The continuation of the next episode where Okabe was given a chance to save Kurisu would be better if it's a spin off. It sort of made the whole pain, effort and tears in trying to save Mayuri in those episodes went to waste. It sort of threw the importance of Mayuri into...umm somewhere worse than the dumpster. Suddenly in those last two episodes, Kurisu became damsel in distress. In just TWO episodes. Compared to those ummm almost ten episodes where Okabe's mission is to save Mayuri from dying. That said, I don't really ship Okabe x Kurisu.

In addition, why does Kurisu needed to be saved again? Because if she's not, WW3 would happen? So this WW3 happened because of the making of time machine, right? Wouldn't it be enough just to burn that thesis report and let Kurisu die? Because if you let her live, then she can just make a new one, right? If she lived, the world will probably still be having a time machine. If she remained dead and that thesis report on time machine is burnt, then the probability of having a time machine is impossible, right?

Truth be told, I like Mayuri. I feel like she has a bit mystery, matureness and depth in her character, if given the opportunity to do so. Like Okabe and Kurisu said, maybe she's the only one who can see a clear view of the lab and the situation they are all in. Yes, maybe she's stupid, but I believe she can be a strong supporting character to Okabe with her 'genki'ness and optimism. It gives balance and hope to those dark times in the anime. If only Okabe gave her a chance and tell her what really happened. Yes, Kurisu is more useful with her brain, but Mayuri has her strength too. Maybe she'll even tell Okabe to save Kurisu instead of trying to save herself so hard. For me, Mayuri was the one who stayed by him eventhough he has no money, just a delusional mad scientist who has no friend...she stopped by the lab everytime and bought some things for him. Mayuri take cares for him. But he fell in love with another girl. Not that I said Kurisu didn't deserve to be loved by Okabe...but Okabe really should appreciate and give more attention to Mayuri. Lack of these makes me feel like he's saving Mayuri for a weak reason. I don't really dislike Kurisu...it just that I feel like her love relationship with Okabe is forced.

Other than that, I am totally liking the whole mystery this anime presented. However, when it started to focus more on relationship and a bit haremish where Ruka went for a date with him, Faris called him her prince, Moeka managed to mutter a thank-you to Okabe before she died...that majority of characters are female and all of them somehow like him (~_~;)...a small part of my heart hates it. I was actually expecting that this anime's gonna be full of mystery and thriller till the end...but whatever. Those scenes with all those female characters just silently scream "Harem!" to me.

Character development of Okabe was very well done. Kurisu was a good character too. I wish Okabe gave more appreciation to Mayuri, and went to a date with the male Ruka. Mayuri and Daru really deseve credits for being Okabe's first friends. Suzuha's character was just nice. But Mr Braun (how did he get Nae anyway) was lacking. Why should he be FB anyway? It almost seems like the world only comprises of the people around Okabe, no other big organizations involved other than a small group of  Moeka and Mr Braun. Okabe keeps reporting to no one through his phone, and a huge organization like SERN has only Mr Braun as its face? Come on...show some English men in suits please. Hee.

I love Steins;Gate, I really do. That's why I spent my midnight writing this long rant. Or else, I wouldn't even bother.

His kind smile.

"Naqi."

He comes from behind and hugs me. It doesn't feel restrictive, nor dishonest...it feels pleasant.

"Naqi."

I keep mentioning his name, calling out for him, wishing he would be real.

"Naqi."

"Naqi."

"...Yes, my love..."

Finally I get to hear his voice. But it sounds so far away.

"Naqi...stop."

He opens his eyes.

"I want the world to stop."

He listens.

"I want the world...to listen to me."

"Mmhmm."

"I want to stop."

"..."

"...stop caring for this world."

"..."

"I want..."

"..."

"...to be accepted without being judged."

"..."

"If this sorrow makes us humans, then would it be okay if I said I don't want to be one?"

He smiles lovingly. He's still hugging me from behind.

"...yes...it's okay..."

"I'm fighting against all humans."

"...mmhmm..."

"I'm going against their norms."

"..."

"...It's gonna be tough."

"...yeah."

He leans his head to mine.

"...Huh."

I can feel his nose on my shoulder.

"...Naqi."

"...hmm?"

"...Are you drunk?"

He chuckles from my back.

"...Naqi?"

"...Maybe."

His mischievious answer makes me freeze a little. He notices this, so he chuckles a bit more.

"...mmm...I'm intoxicated with you..."

I can't help but smile.

"...Naqi..."

I turn to look into his eyes, holding his hands.

"...I miss you so badly." His kind gaze devours my soul.

There's so much more things that I wanted to say to him. I wanted to apologize for not being there for him...I wanted to say I miss him too...I wanted to say how kind he is to me...but just three words come out from my mouth.

"...Thank you, Naqi."

And there, again, his kind, accepting smile etches its way into my mind.

Gamophobia

Bismillah.

Dear God.

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but...I have a crush.

Yes. I know it's stupid. I know feelings like this will go away. Just like that monthly PMS having me cry with no obvious reasons.

Or WITH reasons, except that those reasons feel stupid afterwards. The reasons are rational, but I choose to...let say, ignore it.

Sh*t. Stupid crush. I even told Naqi that he doesn't want me anymore when he's being pushy wanting to know when I am getting married.

Hey slowpoke, you're the one I like!

Sh*t. And Naqi laughed at me.

...Yeah, I know. Crush is stupid. I won't be mad at Naqi. I totally understand him.

And maybe he's not that slow. Maybe he intentionally trying to piss me off because he doesn't want me hoping on him.

Or maybe because he already has someone else.

But why didn't he say so?! Ugh. He told me no one wants him, because he's in the army and armies are rough.

Damn. I told him he got plenty of secret admirers, didn't I? Didn't I?!

Ugh! Stupid feelings.

...fine, I do like him. All I wanted is to know that he likes me back.

...then?

...Then...I don't know. I might get bored after that.

...And umm...I don't think I'm gonna marry any time sooner.

I...sort of playing around a bit...but not really...I still like him...

...but I'm still gamophobia.

...i'm 'faulty' I guess.

Free.

Dear Allah,

What is this feeling? Why am I so afraid of the outside world? Why am I afraid to go out? Why am I afraid to challenge myself?

I know, I need to do this. I need to go out. I need to be able to know that I can do it.

But what can I do?

Can I do it?

Will I be able to do it?

...No. It was the matter of whether I want to do it or not.

Dear Allah.

Dear Allah.

What should I do?

What do I want to do?

I want to go out. I want to be allowed to go out. I...

...I don't feel free.

Dear Allah.

Please, help me.

Help me take that leap. Just one small leap.

Please dear Allah. I...I want to practice going out, and survive on my own.

Childish

Bismillah.

As a human, we sometimes get jealous when we see other people have things that we don't have. That's natural. That's common.

So?

So I am jealous. Hmm, well maybe not. But maybe it has turned so bad that what I feel is no longer jealousy, but disgust.

Yes, disgust. That disgust when that other person gain the things that you can't get. Then I would continue blaming the reality is harsh and all those cliche things spoken in a soap opera.

Huh. I know, I know it's bad. But...

I'm not willing to change it. I...shall keep it hidden. Deep inside.

Why? Because I know it's bad. I know people won't agree with it. So I'd just keep it.

People would say, why won't you solve it through discussion?

...

...Lemme just keep this, okay? I'm sure everyone has some ugly things they're keeping inside.

And I should study more on how to be more grateful.

***

It seems like I'm getting sentimental, worse than them.

They're relaxed, and cool with the idea that I'm leaving.

And me? Overly excited and eager to take pictures with them.

What the heck.

...

Look, it's been fun, okay, and uh...

Hmmm, maybe I'd been tricked into believing that they like me.

...Maybe I should act natural and be cool about it too. Heh, I'm just excited with my first experience teaching in secondary school.

It's been interesting watching kids do fun things. Heck, it's even more fun to be doing those things myself. It keep us feeling young and creative, isn't it? It's not wrong to be a bit childish, isn't it?

The right to be validated.

The unknown future.

Bismillah.

So what's your plan for the future?

This is the question for you, and for my own self.

The hell. I don't know the answer. I mean, I do have plans, but they are just what they are. Just...plain plans. Not yet hatched into real actions.

And I'm not too eager to face them. It doesn't seem so bright and sunny to me.

Other people can say, hey you got a brilliant mind, you surely will succeed in life. But reality *is* harsh.

Huh, seems like I'm giving excuses from striving to lead my own future.

Yes, my dreams for the future are different from what my mother envisions. And that makes me confuse. Should I continue with my plans, or should I follow what my mom says?

Huh. And people said "Discuss!"

...

You know what, I'm not gonna say anything.

+++

I wanna go travel to another country, especially Japan. I wanna learn more on different cultures, take what's good from them and widen my own views on the world.

I wanna learn more. I wanna study more. I feel like I wanna study my whole life. But the problem is, that kind of reason is not enough to be given to scholarship interviewers.

I wanna work overseas, leave the comfort of my own country and challenge myself. I wanna work with freedom, I wanna discover something new, create, make, innovate. Sounds like scientists and researchers.

Huh. Sounds stupid.

You know what? It doesn't matter.

Even though I don't want to say this, but...lemme just...

Whatever.

Imaginary

"Naqi!"

A bit surprised, Naqi turned toward that voice. It was her.

She stopped in front of him and lowered her head. She seemed hesitant at first, but then she looked back up and found his face.

"...Naqi."

By then he was much more prepared.

"Yes...Fuu-chan."

"Naqi."

"Yes...Fuu-chan."

No matter how many times she called his name, he would always answered sotfly, gently, with love.

Yes, he loved her. And would always be.

By then her voice already became a whisper, but a smile was carved on her lips.

"Naqi."

"...Fuu-chan."

He returned it. She took a seat right beside him. The usual spot where both of them would sit together looking over the sea.

For a moment, they were silent. She seemed to be enjoying the sea, but he knew better.

"So how was it?" A gamble there, he didn't know what 'it' actually refers to.

".....mmm....uh-uh." She shook her head.

He was right. There was something she wanna say.

"Uh-huh." He nodded to show interest.

"Noisy." She was clearly disgusted. "Far too noisy until I feel like I wanna bomb them all."

"Gosh. That sure sound stressful."

"I just want some peace of mind and I couldn't find it!"

She wanted to say more on what happened last night, but as usual, it felt useless to continue.

"What the hell."

"...it can be difficult living in a place not of your own."

"...Yeah, I know."

Oh, only God knows how much he wanted to use that opportunity to invite her to stay in his house, but he knew better. He should let her let it all out first.

"...Want a hug?"

She turned to look at him. 

"Naqi."

They both knew they couldn't have it.

Two souls, longing for each other, but divided by an invisible barrier.

"Naqi." She mentioned his name again, this time gazing deep into the sea.

"Fuu-chan."

"Naqi."

"Fuu-chan."

+++

What was it?

What was it that was stoping them from being together?

It's not family matters, nor does it involves money.

It was...reality.

Reality is hard, there's no doubt.

Therefore she turned to the imaginary.

Yes, Naqi was imaginary.

She refused to say that Naqi was just her imagination. She would say that Naqi did exist, except that he couldn't get out of her mind.

...

So are you saying that if Naqi was real, she would definitely be with him?

...

She couldn't answer that.

+++

The second barrier is most probably...fear.

A fear to touch. A fear to love. A fear to be close.

She feared that if she got close, she would get burnt.

She feared that her expectations, and his expectations would not be met.

...

You can say that she has a hard time accepting imperfections.

+++

"Naqi."

"...Hmm...?"

"Come, take me away."

His smile couldn't be hid.

"...Over here, milady."

Marrying a best friend.

Things happen for a reason, right?

Yeah. Not long ago, I've learnt what I actually want after someone confessed his love to me.

When he did that, God that made me feel messed up. I hate it when men tell me they like me. It makes me feel...umm...disgusted. I believe it is because it's hard to gain my trust.

Before, I didn't know what kind of characteristics I wanted in a husband. I didn't know what kind of a life partner I wanted. Now, after this thing happened, it became clearer that  I need a best friend as my husband. Not just a random guy coming to my house asking my hand for marriage. Why? Because I need to trust you before handing my life to you. I need to know that you can be relied on living with me and accepting whatever flaws I have. Only after that I wouldn't be in doubt to marry you.

Yep, I rejected that guy who confessed to me. Well, not really rejected, but sort of like friendzoned him, telling him I don't have any hopes to give to him. God, he was so straight forward telling me that he wanted a wife with house close to him so that it would be easy to go back for Raya. He even told me his plan on when to get married. It was like he was sure that I would  marry him.

Sorry bro, but the way you did it gave a slight hint of authoritativeness. I've never said that I wanted you, have I?

Hmm. At first I was really hesitant in rejecting, just because I'm afraid I won't have any luck with other men, thus causing me to be forever alone. But I gotta do what I gotta do, right? Yes, even though I am afraid of marrying, I am also afraid of living alone forever. Yes, it is true that I want to know what is it like living on your own and being independent, but even I would need a best friend by my side. Having a girl as my best friend won't do, because another guy would have her by his side and not mine. The only way I could have a best friend to stay by my side forever is by marrying one.

Huh. Yes. That is my idea of marrying.

But still, to marry someone is to trust him/her with your life, and to be living together by each other's side. How would you know that you are suited for each other? That's why I believe it is  best to marry a best friend. Because you've already known him, and you've love your best friend despite their flaws.

Well, at least that is my idea of a best friend.

+++

Yes, I love my best friend and I know she has her flaws, but I accepted it and instead put emphasizes on her charms and beauty. You can't help it, when you love someone you will be blinded. But now that she's married, I know I can no longer have her by my side, and have her listen to my problems, or have her accompany me to go shopping or something. She is now someone else's. She is no longer available for me. And I have to accept it, and move on, right?

Yep, it's sad. But at the same time I should be happy for her. I can't be selfish and said I want to her to be only mine, right?

Hmm. La la la la. Anyone wants to be another best friend of mine? It may be hard to gain my trust, but once you have it, you will be that special someone in my life. I'll make sure you won't regret it.