Pray.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Fuh.

Ya Allah, agak-agaknya ape la perancangan yang Kau dah sediakan untuk aku?

Well, aku sebagai seorang manusia yang tak berkuasa apa-apa, aku cuma boleh terima.

God, give me the best. Help me. Make me happy.

***

When you’re pushed to your limit, you can’t do anything else but to reset your limit, right?

Yup, with all these things around me that make me busy, I know I can do it. Because God tells me so.

Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity… (2:286)

Yep, I know I can do it. So they shouldn’t be a problem anymore, shouldn’t they?

Yep.

But I’m tired. I wanna rest.

“No, you can’t have a rest yet! Problems need to be solved, persevere! At the end of all this, you will surely have your life back!”

Sure, I know that.

For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. (94:5)

Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. (94:6)

Oh God.

…and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience. (103:3)

God, bear with me. God, hear me. God, be with me.

"If You are not angry with me, then I do not care what happens to me, but still I would rather have Your blessings and favour." ^[1]

Oh God.

***

God, You know what’s right for me. And I don’t.

And I know, surely, there must be something You wanna teach me about, right?

Oh God, or am I exaggerating things?

***

Guys, any who out there who is facing calamities, difficulties, hardship or anything heavy right now, please, bear with it. It WILL go away. Yes, I know. You feel sad, and reluctant, and heavy and all, but remember, Allah is always there. At some point when you’re feeling down, and you feel like no one cares about you, pray to the Ever-loving God. Something good will happen. Maybe it is so small, you wouldn’t notice it. Maybe it was something like all traffic lights are green at every junction you arrived, or maybe someone offers to buy you lunch when you didn’t feel like eating. Maybe you feel it didn’t make any significant help in solving your big problem at all. Yep, when you’re so stressed out, you only focused on yourself and not your surrounding. But this time, try to stop for a moment when that good small thing happens. Look at it for a few seconds, and say to yourself:

“Oh, Allah hears what I prayed to Him just now. Allah is always by my side. I’m not alone anymore. Allah will help me solve this problem together.”

***

Sometimes, at times like these, people just need a reminder. And I’m trying to give one to myself.

______________________

[1] Well-known du’aa of Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W)

Masalah bergantung pada ketakutan

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamu’alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Once you begin to lose that fear, you’ll start to solve your problem.

                                                                                                   -Anony,me

***

Fuh. Penat.

Masuk sem baru, macam-macamlah ceritanya.

Dari cerita yang bawak dari rumah, sampai la cerita yang diwujudkan oleh sistem register yang ter’clash’ kelas. Tak lupa juga cerita buku hilang rekod pinjaman sampai aku disuruh bayar RM600!

Masalah, perlu diselesaikan. Kalau tak, dia jadi stagnant. Bertakung.

Air bertakung, mengundang nyamuk Aedes pulak tu. Hah, tak lama lagi kena demam denggi. Masuk hospital. Bil dah beratus-ratus kena bayar. Terpaksa ambik cuti sakit, skip kelas, terlepas subjek yang lecturer ajar. Effect kat pointer. Bila pointer jatuh, mula mak bapak bising. Pastu effect CGPA, kerja susah nak dapat. Dan masalah lagi. Dan lagi. Dan lagi…

jentik-jentik

Tengok, betapa banyak masalah yang berpunca dari satu masalah yang dibiarkan bertakung.

Daripada kau biarkan air tu bertakung, apa kata kau angkat botol kosong tu, kau curahkan airnya ke tanah. Dah kosong botol tu, kan?

Satu masalah selesai.

Oh, satu point kau lupa. Air yang kau curah ke tanah tadi. Kat situ kebetulan ada benih durian. Hah, kan dah berbakti kepada tanah tu? Untung badan, tak lama lagi dapat merasa durian lah kau.

Nyum nyum.

---

Fuh memang aku mengaku selesaikan masalah tu penat. Tapi jangan risau. Masalah, takkan habis.

Takkan habis.

Fuh. Serius aku cakap. At this moment I really depend on my friends Falaha and Tikah to solve our problems together. I don’t think I would be able to survive these without them.

Yup, depending on people first seems so hard for me to accept. I thought I could always do everything myself. But at the same time I also knew that I have my imperfections.

So what? Imperfections prove that human needs one another to survive!

And that’s what helps me to try to ask help from others, although I am still afraid of it. I’m trying, okay…

Depending on others, asking help from people, trusting people that they would do the job for you…etc.etc. you name it.

Why I’m afraid of depending on others? Because I’m afraid of being turned down. I’m afraid of being rejected. I’m afraid that people hate me because I’m asking so much. I’m afraid people would call me incompetent.

Suka ke kalau kau dalam kesusahan, kau betul-betul nak mintak tolong orang tu, pastu orang tu sindir kau,

“Cehh, lembik. Buat sendiri pun tak boleh.”

“Cehh, lembik. Buat sendiri pun tak boleh.”

Ouch.

---

Yeah, I know, I know. Kawan-kawan aku semuanya baik-baik. Dalam sejarah hidup aku, tak pernah ada seorang pun yang cakap kat aku macam tu. Dan aku harap-harap takkan pernah ada.

Owh jap, maybe ada. Tapi tak guna ayat sejibik macam aku tulis kat atas.

Oh well. Luckily I wasn’t so close with her. Which makes me easier to forgive, because the hurt wasn’t so deep.

But if ever, IF EVER any of my close friends in whom I depend on right now, would betray me and say those hurtful things to me, then I would…

…I would…

Uhh, it hurts me even to imagine what would happen. Believe me, it hurts me to hurt you. You are my friends, why would I want to hurt you?

…

Ugh…okay, I would cry.

Which really hurts me, because I don’t like it.

---

Huh, masalah, kau ingat kau dah selesaikan semua. Padahal, tak lama lagi akan timbul masalah baru.

Hah, apa lagi makna hidup kalau bukan menyelesaikan masalah?

Memang. Memang itu takdirnya.

---

Takut.

Takut, subjek tu nampak susah nak paham.

Takut, pegang jawatan besar tapi diri rasa tak sempurna.

Takut, aku sesekali tersakitkan hati kawan-kawan aku.

Takut, persepsi orang lain terhadap aku bila aku deal dengan diorang.

Takut, pointer aku jatuh lalu tak dapat tunaikan hajat mak aku nak dapat dean list.

Dan takut, mati nanti aku masuk syurga ke neraka.

takut…

Takpe jangan risau. Aku tau banyak lagi versi takut korang. Mungkin takut duduk negara orang, takut senang dapat penyakit yang dah ada dalam genetik, takut tak ada orang suka kat kita, takut masa depan tak berapa nak cerah…dan macam-macam lagilah. Argh, bila fikir pasal takut ni, lama-lama buat aku sakit hati.

Yelah, ok fine kita takut. Aku takut, korang takut. But then what?

Dengan perasaan takut tu korang boleh buat apa? Boleh jual, dapat duit, hah? Ke boleh buat jadi sambal makan dengan ulam? Oh sedapnye

Argh, tu yang buat aku sakit hati. Lama-lama, aku lupakan je yang aku dok takut-takutkan sangat tu. Lantak kau lah. Apa nak jadi, jadi lah!

Ha’ah kan, apa nak jadi, jadi lah. Aku bukannya tak berusaha. Aku tau, aku akan buat yang terbaik. Aku, ialah aku. What ever happens, aku tetap akan jadi aku. Tak de nak tetibe bertukar menjadi Action Kamen ke apa plak kan.

As long as you didn’t lose yourself, then it’ll be fine.

Because once you lose yourself, you wouldn’t know what to do.

***

Meh. I’m sad. =_=’

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Well, dah lepas 15 Ramadhan dah pun kite ek.

Jujur aku katakan, this Ramadhan is not the best Ramadhan I’ve had so far. Well, tak tau la kan, ni baru habis separuh. Lagi separuh tak sure lagi macam mana.

Bayangkan lah, baru je masuk Ramadhan dalam 2-3 hari, bantal aku dah basah dengan air mata.

Haha. Aku pun tak tau lah.

Aku ingat, dah lepas nangis 2-3 malam, lega lah sikit. Aku ingat hormone imbalance je ke ape. Tapi tak. Berlanjut lagi beberapa hari kemudian. Dalam 15 hari Ramadhan, hanya beberapa hari je yang aku tak nangis.

Haha memang aku rasa Ramadhan kali ni bagi aku ialah bulan kesabaran.

Ntah ape yang sedih sangat la. Well, maybe sebab aku lapar kot. Aku kalau lapar, memang aku akan badmood. Huwaa Tapi hey Effe ni kan Ramadhan bulan puase, tahan la lapar kau tu sikit~

Hmm. Maybe jugak sebab ni Ramadhan pertama tanpa bapak aku. Yeah, aku terasa kehilangan dia. Tapi apa aku boleh buat? I have to adapt to this new situation.

Mak aku pulak selalu sebut-sebut, dia teringat kat bapak aku. Bila aku dengar mak aku cakap macam tu, aku lagilah.

Yes, I am sad. Mak, kitorang kan ada. Mak janganla cakap macam tu. Rasa macam kitorang tak diperlukan pulak. Huhu. Yelah tapi kan aku paham la mak aku pun rindu bapak aku gak.

Oh well. Yang aku paling tak boleh tahan, kalau aku pergi solat tarawikh kat masjid je, mesti aku teringat-ringat kat member-member aku semua. Ha’ah, kat korang lah tu. Sama ada yang kat Muadzam, atau kat Klang, atau kat PJ, mahupun di Kuantan. Argh, aku dok menjerit-jerit dalam hati, aku nak solat tarawikh ngan KORANG! Argh.

Dok kat umah lama-lama, aku jadi lonely lah pulak. Hey, kengkawan aku. Mana korang semua pergi hah?

Kitorang ada je kat sini…

“Eh, sape jawab tu?” Aku menoleh kiri kanan sambil perhatikan, tak de orang pun. Huhu, seram.

Haha relax ar aku memain je. Hmm. Nanti aku balik UIA elok la ni. Argh cepat la balik UIA. CEPATLAH! Haha.

Adoi. Cepatlah.

And so this Ramadhan I filled my time by doing some house cleaning, and also trying some new recipes.

Yeah, I know. My Ramadhan is pretty boring, right? I bet korang punya Ramadhan mesti lagi best. Yeah.

Oh well. Raya? Tak. Aku tak rasa raya tahun ni best. Ah tak kesah la. Ape-ape je lah kan.

Argh sedap nye kalau dapat makan puding roti kukus ni.

OK, enough about that. Aku nak pergi masak plak ni.

Masak puding roti kukus. Nyum nyum.

BTW, ni gambar aku buat kerepek bawang haritu, sebelum dan selepas. Sedap la pulak bila dok ratah lama-lama. Nanti nak try buat lagi lah. Haha.

Bye. May you get what you hope for this Ramadhan.