Social tank = empty.

Bismillah.

So...it's been many months since my last post.

And guess what, Covid is still around.

Hah.

Situation isn't improving...yet. Hopefully. 

Yes, we go vaccinated, but also the virus is mutating. Not yet time for us to breathe easy, at least for another year or so.

*sigh*

And the political situation in Malaysia is going haywire. People losing hope in the current government, but honestly if you ask me, I lose hope in both sides, the government and also the opposition.

Really, who can be trusted right now? The current government stays and the situation is not improving, yet if the opposition takes over, will they rule any better?

I'm not gonna talk about politics because I don't know a dime about it. And that's not what I came here for.

I came here to rant about not being able to go outside.

Yes, seriously.

You guys may think, eh, that's not that big of an issue. That's why I didn't go out in public and talk about it in Facebook or complain all around. Instead, I came here, into this silent space. Because it's starting to feel heavy on me. 

I know, I am still lucky to have my monthly salary in full amount while working 'comfortably' from home, yes, I'm lucky in that sense. And I am thankful for it. But being cooped indoors for 2 years, doing nothing but work, work, work...I swear, now I feel like violently breaking stuff and just go crazy. 

(No wonder domestic violence cases increased during lockdowns.)

Before this, if we are stressed about work, we can find relief by going outside, spend some time in the park, meet up with friends, try out new food places, or go to the cinemas...but now? We wake up to see the same stuff every single day, eating food alone with no company, open up our laptops and work even longer hours compared to what we are used to. (Yes, this is the life of a singleton who has no kids to bother them.)

Just what can we do to stop this?

Keep calm and live on? Sure, that's the only thing we can do right now, huh?

But how the heck do I keep calm when these neurons in my brain are demanding for fresh external stimulations???

...

With days passing by, I think my social skills are going rusty.

Haa like I haven't gone through that before. I did, but that was by choice. Now...

Hah I was even planning to get to know more guys to find someone as husband material, but I guess I should throw that plan into the bin too, huh.

I tried that marriage website thingy, even paid for it. Got to know a guy, but I only got it going for like what, 3 months?

Haaa...Online dating is not for me. Even more so, messaging. Even to family members or close friends, I deliberately delay my replies if I couldn't be bothered. I much prefer meeting face-to-face. I express myself better that way. My messages are more blunt and straight to the point, while if face-to-face, my body language fills in for the lack of words I am saying.

Haa...

Right now I even wish I could go out and just sit somewhere in a crowd and just smile at random strangers. Yes, that's how totally empty my social tank is.

I want to see people.

*sigh*

*****

Haa...I'm tired of work.

(Again??)

I don't know if it's because of this lockdown, or because of the nature of the work itself.

I'm starting to feel like I will get bored of my work every 2-3 years. I remember feeling like this after the 2-years mark of my previous job, I felt like not caring about it at all and just starting to hate whatever it was.

But if I quit now...

(Haa the same, predictable question that has been asked many times on this blog)

I don't think I should quit yet. 1. The economic situation isn't good. 2. I couldn't be bothered to go for interviews, especially online interviews and not a face-to-face one. 3. Even if I manage to land a new job, I'd hate not being able to get to know my new colleagues in real life.

Honestly, I started wanting a sabbatical. Obviously, I wanted a rest.

I guess...others would feel the same, too. Just rest while letting this Covid situation solves itself. Since it's not allowing us to do what we want to do, why do we still need to do what we don't want to do i.e. work?

(Haa I think you are out of touch with reality. People work to live. People work because they need to feed themselves and their families.)

Then, if I don't work, I die?

(Not directly...if you don't work, you'd still have to do something in order to buy food for yourself, right?)

...I guess.

But I don't have to work this 8-5 office job, right?

(...Are you saying you are wiling to take on a different, possibly a more physically-gruesome job?)

...I don't know! I never tried! The only physical job I have tried before was working as a cleaner, and that was just for, like, 8 days!

Can't I try it now? Is 30+ years old too late to try on new things? Why? Why some jobs don't accept a 30+ years old as new recruits? Am I doomed, then?

*sigh*

...I don't know. God, I don't know.

I was thinking of working in a farm of some sort.

******

Dear God, I really don't know.

This Covid situation isn't pretty at all, people died here and there.

Makes you realize that life is fleeting. Anyone can be infected by the virus, and even healthy, active youngsters can die from it.

God...this is Your plan. Only You are capable of turning things back to normal. What we can do, oh dear God, is to pray to You, oh Supreme Being. We are nothing, we are helpless. Only You, oh Lord of the Worlds, are capable to do anything. Verily, we are nothing without You.

Dear God, help us.

***

Anxiety

Bismillah.

Huh. I do only come here every 3-4 months.

------

Anxiety.

Unable to breath properly.

Sure, my housemate had that before, she keeps telling me about it. She used to be anxious because of a bad situation she was in.

But what about me?

It happens too, but behind close doors. I couldn't sleep much, I couldn't eat much because of it, but I just tell people that I have a stomach ache only.

...

I've been saying this again and again. 

I feel hurt too! I can feel pain too! I have my own problems too! Just because I don't tell anyone about it...

... doesn't mean I'm living worry free.

It's just that I'm enduring it alone.

And when you've been enduring it alone long enough, you'll become bitter.

This...hateful feeling is not something I'm proud of.

Even I, myself, hate it.

I feel imperfect.

That I'm incapable of loving.

It's fine as long as I don't trouble others.

But I'm gonna be very lonely.

...Ah, this hateful feeling.

----

She's got her list of her illnesses, and she shared it with us.

How do I feel about it?

What do you think? When someone shows a list of her pain to a person who never tells others about her troubles, what do you think she's gonna feel?

The same way if you have a friend showing her travel photos, her happy family, her branded handbags and clothes...and shove them all to your face, you who are not as wealthy as her.

...Would you feel jealous?

No, not jealous. Instead, you'd be irritated. Annoyed.

Or up to a certain extent... vengeful.

She dares share it with me (it was a list of them!), hoping that I would care and feel sorry for her...

...just makes me feel resentful.

I have been enduring all these hurt and pain and fear alone, without telling you. I even decided to never let you know if I ever got admitted into a hospital because I don't want to trouble you from fussing over me. Because you'd get sick if you worry too much.

...But how dare you do this to me?

...

...Yes, I feel angry.

This freaking passive-aggressiveness, I freaking hate it.

I feel bitter, because I have to care, even though it makes me angry.

***

Here I am, staying alone in my room for the long weekend just trying to recover back from my anxiety. I had to reject my brother's request for help back in my hometown. That didn't feel good. I felt guilty for declining.

I felt guilty for saying no.

What the hell. Am I showing symptoms of being a doormat?

Being kind doesn't come easy for me, so I make a conscious effort for it. And now I'm even blaming myself for not being nice enough. For turning others down.

...Hahhh I'm tired.

What's the point.

Unpopular opinion on marriage

Bismillah.

What do I want...honestly.

Right now, there's some sort of love bug going around in our rented house. Suddenly, all of us began seeing someone.

But not all of us ended up successful.

That one housemate I'm rather close with, she met with someone else's husband. That guy told her after a month of them together.

The other housemate, she was okay with that guy, but currently he is jobless. But I guess still okay, since jobs can always be found.

The other housemate...seems to have hope. They are even in talks of marriage already. They like each other, so that's good. They met through Tinder.

Me?

Uhh...

Falaha introduced me to his husband's friend who is still single, same age, studied in UIA as well. A good guy...but I am not convinced.

It's not him...it's me. 

(Lol, typical reason for a breakup)

No, really. I am bored. I want something more. He's a normal guy, perhaps a bit shy, but otherwise nice and normal.

I guess...I am choosy.

Yes, I am. I know myself as not really wanting a lot of stuff, but once I want something, I make sure I get the best for the price I'm willing to pay. I buy something because I really want it, and I know why I bought it.

But this new 'friendship'...I don't know. Do I put in more effort to make it work? Doesn't feel like it's worth it. Do I give up then?

Or maybe...because this is not something I want. That's why I'm acting nonchalantly. But if so...then it's not good for him.

But earlier on, I already told him I don't promise anything from this acquaintance. I don't promise that this would move towards marriage. I said I'm just getting to know people to understand myself better, whether marriage is a thing for me or not.

Truth is...after knowing him, I'm becoming okay with not marrying.

Sure, I would love to have someone who takes care of me, who loves me...but am I ready to take on responsibilities, accept that person's faults and flaws, and serve him for the rest of my life?

Huh...jaga diri sendiri pun dah sedia susah. Apatah lagi jaga orang lain.

Aku rasa macam...apa gunanya kahwin kalau kita (perempuan) dapat susah? Lepas kahwin, perempuan kena kemas rumah, masak, basuh baju, layan laki, hadap perangai insan lain dalam hidup kita, dengar cakap dia, tak boleh lawan arahan suami...dalam masa yang sama juga berkerja, untuk bantu kewangan rumahtangga. Kalau sebelum berkahwin pun kita dah buat semua ni, cuma bezanya hidup single, kita cuma perlu hadap perangai diri sendiri je. Apa benda-benda lain yang kita nak buat, semua tak ada halangan. Tak perlu mintak izin sapa-sapa. Tak perlu risau ambil hati sapa-sapa. 

Aku pikir, apa lelaki boleh bagi aku? Duit? Kalau aku sendiri pun berkerja, apa guna duit yang orang lain bagi? Lelaki boleh bagi anak? Nanti yang kena tanggung bersalin 9 bulan: aku, yang tanggung sakit beranak: aku, yang jaga anak malam-malam, menyusukan anak, jaga anak sampai besar...kerja siapa? Perempuan kan? Kerja lelaki apa? Kerja je. Kalau lelaki nak complain kerja susah, hello, perempuan pun kerja susah jugak. Kenapa perempuan kena tanggung lebih banyak benda dari lelaki?

Ini aku tak paham.

Tak, aku tak cakap aku tak suka perkahwinan. Itu nabi larang. Aku masih open untuk kahwin, kalau jumpa lelaki yang betul-betul aku boleh percaya. Susah nak jumpa. Aku memilih? Yes, biar aku memilih. Sebab sekarang, yang aku nampak macam ni. Secara logiknya, antara hidup single yang ada kebebasan dan tak ada tanggungan, banding dengan hidup berumahtangga yang kau sebagai perempuan kena tanggung semua...baik aku stay single.

Takut dah tua nanti sunyi, tak ada teman? Tak ada anak untuk dijadikan harapan?

Sini aku nak tanya kau. Siapa jamin suami dan anak-anak kau akan kekal dengan kau sampai mati? Kalau diorang mati dulu sebelum kau? Akhirnya kau akan sama macam orang single jugak. Tak ada beza. Siapa yang boleh bantu kau bila dah tua nanti? Aku kurang setuju dengan orang yang nak anak sebab nanti dah tua ada orang jaga. Anak itu bukan pelaburan masa tua kau macam KWSP atau PRS (Private Retirement Scheme). Anak itu dilahirkan, dibesarkan untuk menyiapkan dia menghadapi dunia luar. Anak itu dilahirkan sebagai insan lain yang perlu dilatih untuk mampu berdiri sendiri dalam hidup dia. Kenapa kita nak ikat dia dengan kontrak yang dia perlu jadi orang suruhan kita sebab kita dah jaga dia? Yes, tanggungjawab anak adalah berbakti kepada ibu bapa. Tapi itu tak bermaksud ibu bapa perlu bergantung kepada anak.

Tak setuju? Tak apa. Siapa aku nak membebel pasal anak, sedangkan aku kahwin pun belum.

Hmm.

Yes, mungkin orang cakap cinta dan kasih sayang antara suami isteri tu best. Tapi berbaloi ke dengan kerja-kerja tambahan yang kau dapat lepas kahwin? Adakah dengan kata-kata manis dari laki kau tu dah cukup untuk bayar semua lelah yang kau dapat?

...Mungkin cukup je sebenarnya, ek? Sebab tu lebih ramai orang kahwin berbanding stay single, ek?

Entahlah. Aku...susah nak terima kata-kata manis. Orang cakap terima kasih pun, aku tak reply 'sama-sama'. Aku reply macam ni:

1)

Orang    : Terima kasih.

Aku    : Takde ape lah/ No problem.

Maksud    : Tak susah pun tolong kau. Sebab tu aku tolong. Biasanya sebab orang ni aku sayang betul, or sebab aku nak balas budi, or sebab pertolongan tu memang ringan je.

2)

Orang    : Terima kasih.

Aku    : Okay/Orait.

Maksud    : Apa yang dia mintak tolong tu susah aku nak buat. Tapi aku tolong jugak. So, reply aku pendek je sebab lebih baik kalau dia tak mintak tolong aku.

Reply nombor 2 tu banyak aku guna dalam kerja sekarang. Soalan complicated users bagi, dan bila aku jawab, aku takde rasa gembira pun bila diorang cakap terima kasih. Aku bukannya hadap sangat terima kasih diorang. Lebih baik kalau diorang tak kacau aku dengan soalan-soalan susah tu. Aku perasan, aku bukanlah orang yang perlukan penghargaan sangat. Kalau aku siapkan kerja pun, aku tak mengharap orang perasan dan ucap terima kasih pun. Kerja aku sekarang, bos aku diam relax je takde susah-susah nak puji performance aku pun. Cukup dia bayar gaji aku bulan-bulan dah. Dia tak nak bagi bonus ke, increment ke takpelah, janji dia tak kacau aku dan kerja aku pun tak banyak sampai stress. Cukuplah. Aku bukan mintak perhatian pun. Cukuplah dengan dia layan aku baik, tak menyusahkan hidup aku.

So, berdasarkan apa yang aku tulis at atas, nampaknya aku kena carik lelaki yang layan aku dengan baik, yang tak mengharapkan aku (boleh bawak diri) dan tak menyusahkan hidup aku. Partner ibarat seorang bestfriend dan housemate yang bertanggungjawab. Rumah tu kau duduk jugak kan? Kenapa aku sorang je yang kena kemas semua? Lainlah kalau kau bayar aku untuk buat semua tu.

Kalau macam tu lebih baik hire maid, kau cakap? Tapi kau tak boleh tidur/buat anak dengan maid kau.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯