Social tank = empty.

Bismillah.

So...it's been many months since my last post.

And guess what, Covid is still around.

Hah.

Situation isn't improving...yet. Hopefully. 

Yes, we go vaccinated, but also the virus is mutating. Not yet time for us to breathe easy, at least for another year or so.

*sigh*

And the political situation in Malaysia is going haywire. People losing hope in the current government, but honestly if you ask me, I lose hope in both sides, the government and also the opposition.

Really, who can be trusted right now? The current government stays and the situation is not improving, yet if the opposition takes over, will they rule any better?

I'm not gonna talk about politics because I don't know a dime about it. And that's not what I came here for.

I came here to rant about not being able to go outside.

Yes, seriously.

You guys may think, eh, that's not that big of an issue. That's why I didn't go out in public and talk about it in Facebook or complain all around. Instead, I came here, into this silent space. Because it's starting to feel heavy on me. 

I know, I am still lucky to have my monthly salary in full amount while working 'comfortably' from home, yes, I'm lucky in that sense. And I am thankful for it. But being cooped indoors for 2 years, doing nothing but work, work, work...I swear, now I feel like violently breaking stuff and just go crazy. 

(No wonder domestic violence cases increased during lockdowns.)

Before this, if we are stressed about work, we can find relief by going outside, spend some time in the park, meet up with friends, try out new food places, or go to the cinemas...but now? We wake up to see the same stuff every single day, eating food alone with no company, open up our laptops and work even longer hours compared to what we are used to. (Yes, this is the life of a singleton who has no kids to bother them.)

Just what can we do to stop this?

Keep calm and live on? Sure, that's the only thing we can do right now, huh?

But how the heck do I keep calm when these neurons in my brain are demanding for fresh external stimulations???

...

With days passing by, I think my social skills are going rusty.

Haa like I haven't gone through that before. I did, but that was by choice. Now...

Hah I was even planning to get to know more guys to find someone as husband material, but I guess I should throw that plan into the bin too, huh.

I tried that marriage website thingy, even paid for it. Got to know a guy, but I only got it going for like what, 3 months?

Haaa...Online dating is not for me. Even more so, messaging. Even to family members or close friends, I deliberately delay my replies if I couldn't be bothered. I much prefer meeting face-to-face. I express myself better that way. My messages are more blunt and straight to the point, while if face-to-face, my body language fills in for the lack of words I am saying.

Haa...

Right now I even wish I could go out and just sit somewhere in a crowd and just smile at random strangers. Yes, that's how totally empty my social tank is.

I want to see people.

*sigh*

*****

Haa...I'm tired of work.

(Again??)

I don't know if it's because of this lockdown, or because of the nature of the work itself.

I'm starting to feel like I will get bored of my work every 2-3 years. I remember feeling like this after the 2-years mark of my previous job, I felt like not caring about it at all and just starting to hate whatever it was.

But if I quit now...

(Haa the same, predictable question that has been asked many times on this blog)

I don't think I should quit yet. 1. The economic situation isn't good. 2. I couldn't be bothered to go for interviews, especially online interviews and not a face-to-face one. 3. Even if I manage to land a new job, I'd hate not being able to get to know my new colleagues in real life.

Honestly, I started wanting a sabbatical. Obviously, I wanted a rest.

I guess...others would feel the same, too. Just rest while letting this Covid situation solves itself. Since it's not allowing us to do what we want to do, why do we still need to do what we don't want to do i.e. work?

(Haa I think you are out of touch with reality. People work to live. People work because they need to feed themselves and their families.)

Then, if I don't work, I die?

(Not directly...if you don't work, you'd still have to do something in order to buy food for yourself, right?)

...I guess.

But I don't have to work this 8-5 office job, right?

(...Are you saying you are wiling to take on a different, possibly a more physically-gruesome job?)

...I don't know! I never tried! The only physical job I have tried before was working as a cleaner, and that was just for, like, 8 days!

Can't I try it now? Is 30+ years old too late to try on new things? Why? Why some jobs don't accept a 30+ years old as new recruits? Am I doomed, then?

*sigh*

...I don't know. God, I don't know.

I was thinking of working in a farm of some sort.

******

Dear God, I really don't know.

This Covid situation isn't pretty at all, people died here and there.

Makes you realize that life is fleeting. Anyone can be infected by the virus, and even healthy, active youngsters can die from it.

God...this is Your plan. Only You are capable of turning things back to normal. What we can do, oh dear God, is to pray to You, oh Supreme Being. We are nothing, we are helpless. Only You, oh Lord of the Worlds, are capable to do anything. Verily, we are nothing without You.

Dear God, help us.

***