Childish

Bismillah.

As a human, we sometimes get jealous when we see other people have things that we don't have. That's natural. That's common.

So?

So I am jealous. Hmm, well maybe not. But maybe it has turned so bad that what I feel is no longer jealousy, but disgust.

Yes, disgust. That disgust when that other person gain the things that you can't get. Then I would continue blaming the reality is harsh and all those cliche things spoken in a soap opera.

Huh. I know, I know it's bad. But...

I'm not willing to change it. I...shall keep it hidden. Deep inside.

Why? Because I know it's bad. I know people won't agree with it. So I'd just keep it.

People would say, why won't you solve it through discussion?

...

...Lemme just keep this, okay? I'm sure everyone has some ugly things they're keeping inside.

And I should study more on how to be more grateful.

***

It seems like I'm getting sentimental, worse than them.

They're relaxed, and cool with the idea that I'm leaving.

And me? Overly excited and eager to take pictures with them.

What the heck.

...

Look, it's been fun, okay, and uh...

Hmmm, maybe I'd been tricked into believing that they like me.

...Maybe I should act natural and be cool about it too. Heh, I'm just excited with my first experience teaching in secondary school.

It's been interesting watching kids do fun things. Heck, it's even more fun to be doing those things myself. It keep us feeling young and creative, isn't it? It's not wrong to be a bit childish, isn't it?

The right to be validated.

The unknown future.

Bismillah.

So what's your plan for the future?

This is the question for you, and for my own self.

The hell. I don't know the answer. I mean, I do have plans, but they are just what they are. Just...plain plans. Not yet hatched into real actions.

And I'm not too eager to face them. It doesn't seem so bright and sunny to me.

Other people can say, hey you got a brilliant mind, you surely will succeed in life. But reality *is* harsh.

Huh, seems like I'm giving excuses from striving to lead my own future.

Yes, my dreams for the future are different from what my mother envisions. And that makes me confuse. Should I continue with my plans, or should I follow what my mom says?

Huh. And people said "Discuss!"

...

You know what, I'm not gonna say anything.

+++

I wanna go travel to another country, especially Japan. I wanna learn more on different cultures, take what's good from them and widen my own views on the world.

I wanna learn more. I wanna study more. I feel like I wanna study my whole life. But the problem is, that kind of reason is not enough to be given to scholarship interviewers.

I wanna work overseas, leave the comfort of my own country and challenge myself. I wanna work with freedom, I wanna discover something new, create, make, innovate. Sounds like scientists and researchers.

Huh. Sounds stupid.

You know what? It doesn't matter.

Even though I don't want to say this, but...lemme just...

Whatever.

Imaginary

"Naqi!"

A bit surprised, Naqi turned toward that voice. It was her.

She stopped in front of him and lowered her head. She seemed hesitant at first, but then she looked back up and found his face.

"...Naqi."

By then he was much more prepared.

"Yes...Fuu-chan."

"Naqi."

"Yes...Fuu-chan."

No matter how many times she called his name, he would always answered sotfly, gently, with love.

Yes, he loved her. And would always be.

By then her voice already became a whisper, but a smile was carved on her lips.

"Naqi."

"...Fuu-chan."

He returned it. She took a seat right beside him. The usual spot where both of them would sit together looking over the sea.

For a moment, they were silent. She seemed to be enjoying the sea, but he knew better.

"So how was it?" A gamble there, he didn't know what 'it' actually refers to.

".....mmm....uh-uh." She shook her head.

He was right. There was something she wanna say.

"Uh-huh." He nodded to show interest.

"Noisy." She was clearly disgusted. "Far too noisy until I feel like I wanna bomb them all."

"Gosh. That sure sound stressful."

"I just want some peace of mind and I couldn't find it!"

She wanted to say more on what happened last night, but as usual, it felt useless to continue.

"What the hell."

"...it can be difficult living in a place not of your own."

"...Yeah, I know."

Oh, only God knows how much he wanted to use that opportunity to invite her to stay in his house, but he knew better. He should let her let it all out first.

"...Want a hug?"

She turned to look at him. 

"Naqi."

They both knew they couldn't have it.

Two souls, longing for each other, but divided by an invisible barrier.

"Naqi." She mentioned his name again, this time gazing deep into the sea.

"Fuu-chan."

"Naqi."

"Fuu-chan."

+++

What was it?

What was it that was stoping them from being together?

It's not family matters, nor does it involves money.

It was...reality.

Reality is hard, there's no doubt.

Therefore she turned to the imaginary.

Yes, Naqi was imaginary.

She refused to say that Naqi was just her imagination. She would say that Naqi did exist, except that he couldn't get out of her mind.

...

So are you saying that if Naqi was real, she would definitely be with him?

...

She couldn't answer that.

+++

The second barrier is most probably...fear.

A fear to touch. A fear to love. A fear to be close.

She feared that if she got close, she would get burnt.

She feared that her expectations, and his expectations would not be met.

...

You can say that she has a hard time accepting imperfections.

+++

"Naqi."

"...Hmm...?"

"Come, take me away."

His smile couldn't be hid.

"...Over here, milady."