Gamophobia

Bismillah.

Dear God.

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but...I have a crush.

Yes. I know it's stupid. I know feelings like this will go away. Just like that monthly PMS having me cry with no obvious reasons.

Or WITH reasons, except that those reasons feel stupid afterwards. The reasons are rational, but I choose to...let say, ignore it.

Sh*t. Stupid crush. I even told Naqi that he doesn't want me anymore when he's being pushy wanting to know when I am getting married.

Hey slowpoke, you're the one I like!

Sh*t. And Naqi laughed at me.

...Yeah, I know. Crush is stupid. I won't be mad at Naqi. I totally understand him.

And maybe he's not that slow. Maybe he intentionally trying to piss me off because he doesn't want me hoping on him.

Or maybe because he already has someone else.

But why didn't he say so?! Ugh. He told me no one wants him, because he's in the army and armies are rough.

Damn. I told him he got plenty of secret admirers, didn't I? Didn't I?!

Ugh! Stupid feelings.

...fine, I do like him. All I wanted is to know that he likes me back.

...then?

...Then...I don't know. I might get bored after that.

...And umm...I don't think I'm gonna marry any time sooner.

I...sort of playing around a bit...but not really...I still like him...

...but I'm still gamophobia.

...i'm 'faulty' I guess.

Free.

Dear Allah,

What is this feeling? Why am I so afraid of the outside world? Why am I afraid to go out? Why am I afraid to challenge myself?

I know, I need to do this. I need to go out. I need to be able to know that I can do it.

But what can I do?

Can I do it?

Will I be able to do it?

...No. It was the matter of whether I want to do it or not.

Dear Allah.

Dear Allah.

What should I do?

What do I want to do?

I want to go out. I want to be allowed to go out. I...

...I don't feel free.

Dear Allah.

Please, help me.

Help me take that leap. Just one small leap.

Please dear Allah. I...I want to practice going out, and survive on my own.

Childish

Bismillah.

As a human, we sometimes get jealous when we see other people have things that we don't have. That's natural. That's common.

So?

So I am jealous. Hmm, well maybe not. But maybe it has turned so bad that what I feel is no longer jealousy, but disgust.

Yes, disgust. That disgust when that other person gain the things that you can't get. Then I would continue blaming the reality is harsh and all those cliche things spoken in a soap opera.

Huh. I know, I know it's bad. But...

I'm not willing to change it. I...shall keep it hidden. Deep inside.

Why? Because I know it's bad. I know people won't agree with it. So I'd just keep it.

People would say, why won't you solve it through discussion?

...

...Lemme just keep this, okay? I'm sure everyone has some ugly things they're keeping inside.

And I should study more on how to be more grateful.

***

It seems like I'm getting sentimental, worse than them.

They're relaxed, and cool with the idea that I'm leaving.

And me? Overly excited and eager to take pictures with them.

What the heck.

...

Look, it's been fun, okay, and uh...

Hmmm, maybe I'd been tricked into believing that they like me.

...Maybe I should act natural and be cool about it too. Heh, I'm just excited with my first experience teaching in secondary school.

It's been interesting watching kids do fun things. Heck, it's even more fun to be doing those things myself. It keep us feeling young and creative, isn't it? It's not wrong to be a bit childish, isn't it?

The right to be validated.