I know, I know. I'm wrong.

Bismillah.

Like I said, it hurts.

Yes, it still hurts.

Up until now.

"Why didn't you tell us about it?" You blame me.

...That's the main reason why I won't tell you about it.

If I told you or if I didn't tell you, none of it brings benefits to me.

What will I get if I told you about it? You'll claim, "It will ease your feelings." Nope, I don't think so. Instead, I'd feel useless, worthless, helpless and worse if I did. And if I did tell you about it, and you helped, I'd feel indebted. And a debt is a burden to me. I can't have another debt to be added to my tab when I haven't paid my previous ones!

Believe me, there are lots of 'hutang budi' that I haven't been able to pay yet. Well, thankfully some of them are waived by the creditors. And another thing, I'm afraid to have this 'hutang budi' with people. You know what they say, 'hutang budi dibawa mati'. What if this person I'm indebted to refuses to accept my payment of the 'hutang'? What if this person asks ridiculous things for the payment? What if this person asks me to marry him in order to pay the 'hutang budi'?

Gosh, that thought makes me shiver.

...

Look, I'll tell you when I want to, okay? I've told you some of my small problems, right?

"But you should tell us bigger problems too!"

...

Either way, you'd complain, complain, complain.

Just like what I'm doing right now. But I'm not complaining in front of you. You can't hear me in here, right?

Then shut up.

***

See, you're complaining again.

"What's wrong with this girl? When we have problems we tell it to others to make us feel better. Instead, she told us to shut up?! We were trying to help!"

If you have the right to complain, if you're claiming your right to help others, then I'm claiming my right to stay quiet and keep my mouth shut! I'll tell you when I want to and I'll keep quiet when I want to!

...

...It's not that I don't want your help, it's not that I hate it when you offer your help...it's just...

...it's...

...

The truth is bitter. It's cumbersome when lots of people come offering their help to me, telling me to tell them if I need help or asking what should they help on.

Let me explain.

1) I can't handle too many people when I have problems. When I have problems, I need some time alone to think about it, to think about its possible solutions. When others come and talk to me, they are disturbing the process. What's worse, my mind now has to be divided into two, one is to think about the problems, the other is to think about them. Yes, THEM. YOU who offer your help to me. YES I do think about you. But it's difficult for me to also be thinking about you when I have problems. Isn't this supposed to be the best time for you to support me? Support me by not being a nuisance to me. No I don't hate you! (for God sake I've been telling this to you again and again) No I DON'T HATE YOU! I just do not appreciate the help offers you're giving me. I understand that you do want to help by giving me something, but you're giving me something wrong. Give me what I want, not what you want!

However, when I have problems and I get stuck with it (You'll notice I've been thinking about it without doing anything productive as its solution), I would appreciate if you offer a solution and help me take action on it. Yes, TAKE ACTION, not just words saying "Why don't you do this and this?" or "Would you want this and this? I can help." Instead, why don't you say, "Hey, let's do this and this. I have the stuff needed. I'd love to try it too." There. That sentence would make me feel less bad asking your help for it, because you'd also gain benefits from helping me. Let me give you an example I've just experienced not too long ago:

My house was flooded and my mom with two of my siblings were stuck in the house, they couldn't get out. I was worried sick but I couldn't tell it to others because I don't know what's the appropriate feeling to be felt at that moment. Then someone messaged me saying "Hey, would you wanna go to your house? Me and the brothers can go (they have cars). They have been itching to play with the water."

I quickly accepted the offer. Although it pained me that they told me to explicitly say "I need your help, please.", but the first message she sent was pleasant.

2) When you offer, saying that you can help or asking if there's anything you could help on, I'd feel pressured. Remember when I said I'm thinking about the problems? When you asked "Is there anything I can help with?", I'd really want to answer "I AM thinking on the solutions to this problem. Now you want to burden my mind thinking on what should YOU do?"
    Furthermore, at that question, you may seem like you're condescending me, it seems like you're saying to me, "Hey, you're not doing anything. Maybe you can't solve the problems." or "I don't trust you. You didn't ask for my help. I have to offer it to you." YES. To me, when I'm stressed out with problems, those are what I hear from you when you offer help. When I have problems, I can't think straight. Maybe some of you can keep your calm during problematic times, but sorry, I can't. I'm tensed, for God's sake, that's why I've been bad to all of you!

Ugh, I'm asking you to accept me being bad at these times.

Oh well. I know I'm wrong. With reasons or not, I should never be bad to all of you. Gosh, I'm being sarcastic. Sometimes, I should be bad to you. But that would also mean that I should accept that sometimes you would be bad to me.

Gulp.

Yes. Yes, I should accept it. Be bad at me. Bring it on.

But let me ask you. Am I a burden to you? Is it hard being my friend? Am I difficult to be dealt with? Am I having lots of 'hidden' debts to be settled with you? If all of the answers are yes, then you are angry with me. You have been putting up with me a lot. I've been hurting you a lot. If that is so, please tell me. I'd try to hold back. Or even better, I'd try to keep away from you. Really. Tell me if you hate me. I'd stay out of your way. I'm an expert in ignoring. Though don't blame me if we have to work together in the future. You should be professional, shouldn't you?

Ego jyanaika, orewa? I know, I'm bad. I know. But I'm not doing anything about it. Even though I know I'm bad, I don't believe I'm that bad. I'm waiting for someone to tell me that even though I'm bad, there are still good things about me, aren't there? Aren't there?

...

...So I'm bad, right? I'm bad. I'm bad. I'm bad. I'm bad.

Argh, quit it. Shut it. I'm tired of saying that to myself. First I tell myself that I'm good. Then I tell myself that I'm bad, that I shouldn't exist. Then I'm back to being good again. Then I go telling myself to sit in the corner and be quiet. Huh. So much for being consistent.

Ningen jyanaika?

But it seems that  I'm not forgiven for being a human.

But maybe I myself can't accept others as humans with their noisy mouth.

We both lose.

***

Now, now, anything I said when I was angry, you can forget it. Including this post. This post was written when I was angry. So please, forget that I've ever written anything like this.

Ugh, again, I'm asking you for something. I know, I know, I should never ask you to change your style, I should never ask you to deal with me, to listen to me, to do what I'm asking you to do. That's why I ask you to forget this post. Hmpph. Even so you'd still be angry with me, "If you want us to forget this post, then why you'd wrote it in the first place?!". I know, I know, I'm wrong. I can't tell you not to read it, can I? I can't tell you to stop following me if you don''t wanna read my emotional rants, can I?

It hurts.

Bismillah.

Yup. I'm angry.

I'm angry, I'm angry, I'm angry, I'm angry, I'm angry, I'm angry, I'm angry, I'm angry, I'm angry, I'm angry...I'm angry, ...

Is there a machine that can write this infinitely?

Kono kimochi ga todokanai. Kono kimochi ga hanasarenai.

They don't understand.

No, they don't.

It hurts.

Maybe you don't care, but - It hurts.

Can you hear it?

-It hurts.

It hurts.

I didn't tell them. They didn't know.

But it hurts.

So they don't know. So they don't understand.

***

Then don't.

***

But no. You did the opposite.

But oh well, ningen jyanaika?

Sore de nani?

What do you expect me to do?

What I'm doing is wrong, isn't it?

But what do you care?

No, you don't care.

Be mad.

Bismillah.

I'm just in a bad mood.

Yes, I'm in a bad mood. Just in a bad mood, for no reason.

I want to be in a bad mood. Let me be. I want to be angry. I want to be allowed to be in a bad mood. I want someone to go along with my bad mood. I want someone to say to me: "It's okay, be ugly. Be mad all you want. I'll be here."

************

"WHY?! Why are you still here?! Why won't you go away?! Why are you trying to make me feel better?!"

You shook his shoulder violently. You were furious. With all the problems you're facing right now, you really won't appreciate another addition.

"...Because I love you."

"...WHAT??!!"

*smack his head with a hammer in my imagination*

******

People, that kind of statement is considered as bullsh*t for people like me.

******

"...Believe me or not, I need to be by your side. ...Yes, I am selfish. Even if you didn't need me, I need you. By being with you, it makes me feel better."

Huh. Selfish.

"But I can't be with you unless I offer something in return, right?"

"...What CAN you offer?"

"By staying by your side."

Your jaws dropped. Where did he put his brain? In the drain? Oh I forgot. I've smashed it into pieces.

"No worries. You're in a bad mood, right? You just wanna let it all go. Then go for it. Be ugly all you want. Scream, stomp your feet, be mad like a child. I'll be here. Don't worry, I won't judge."

"..."

"You're shy? Then lemme join."

He walked towards the riverbank and started shouting. Luckily, no one else was around.

"COULDN'T YOU TREAT YOUR CUSTOMER BETTER? MY MONEY PAYS FOR YOUR WAGES, RIGHT? I HOPE YOUR SHOP WOULD HAVE NO CUSTOMER FOR THE WHOLE DAY!"

You stared at him, wide-eyed.

"...What?" He feigned innocence.

"..."

"Come on, your turn."

"..."

He waited.

Should I try?

Let me try.

"...She...she knew nothing about me...And then she judged me?! Unbelievable. I-I told her nothing...I kept quiet. But she wanted to know more. I-I..."

I refused. Why? Because if I told her, she'd judge me too. She'd judge me, maybe even worse. All she did was got angry. She won't say thank you. She won't praise. Even if she did, she'd make sure to follow it with some insults. Like I'm not good enough. There''ll always be some flaws inside me. She can't be satisfied. Maybe she already is satisfied...but what is she doing, telling me you shouldn't do this, you should do that?! What I've done all this while were not enough?! She didn't even notice?! She wouldn't appreciate! Yeah, I know. She has her ego, I have mine, too. So what, is it wrong for me to be angry at her ego? It's not like I'm shouting all these at her face. See, I'm good, right? I did something good, right?

You unconsciously looked at his face, trying to find something. But you couldn't find it. Of course you couldn't find it. You didn't let it out. You just kept it inside your mind.You didn't tell it to him.

"Huh...damn it..."

"..."

He waited, again.You buried your face inside your palms.

"Why am I feeling this way? Why does this feeling...Why does it exist?"

He came to your side and held your hands.

"It's okay. You can be angry. You can be mad. You can be sad. You can feel whatever you wanna feel. You are not wrong."

"Then why..."

"Come, tell it to the person who told you you're wrong. Let it out."

You hesitated. But the firm grasp of his hand against yours weren't nothing. You felt confidence, even if just for a few seconds.

"It is still useless. ...Even if I release my anger here, she wouldn't know...This...this feeling..."

"...You're feeling so angry but you can't let it out..."

"..."

******

Yeah, I sometimes write romance. So what.

Weaknesses and strengths.

Bismillah.

I am sure about my weaknesses, but always unsure about my strength.

Yep. I have psoriasis, I have a stabbing headache (luckily not often), I sleep late and wake up late, my grammar and vocab wouldn't make me proud and confident enough to publish (or even start writing) a story, I suck at talking with adults, I can't emphatize well, I'm impatient...(please, let me continue), I suck at making best friends,  i don't know what should I do with my future...and I'm still dependent on my mother.

Gosh, all those make me feel bad. And that's not even the end of the list!

We all have our weaknesses, right? Things we that we don't want other to know. Things that we keep hating because they always stay inside us. Even though we manage to lose some along the journey to become mature, we pick some new others too.

That's human, we are imperfect.

Though I'd like to stress here, remember that there will always be someone who's having worse. You still have a home, someone else don't. You still have a family, someone else don't. Even if you really have nothing, at least you are still alive, and you have God. You can ask Him anything. Even simple things like, dear God, please give me a new shoes as this one I'm wearing is already torn. I said, ANYTHING.

Dear Allah, help me ease this headache. Please.

*********

What about strengths? Can we be really sure about our strengths?

Hah, I can't.

At least, that's for me. A lot of women feel not so confident and value themselves lesser than they should. That's why they know about their weaknesses more than their strengths.

Anyway, I shall attempt to list my strengths.

Hmm...I can understand lessons pretty fast, I'm confident with my skills of copying, I can draw and write stuffs (though never good at them, huh). I'm tough (or at least from my point of view), I like challenges (but not too much physical challenges, please), I can do some boys' stuffs (is that supposed to be a good thing?!) and umm...I can cook a bit...and umm...

Oh quit it! Coming up with good things about yourself is tiring. It's like praising yourself and you are happy with it, but then you say to yourself, other people can do all those better than you.

Huh. Even the list of strengths I wrote has some weaknesses in there, too.

*********

And so, people tell me not to compare myself to others, even weaknesses or strengths. If you wanna compare, compare with yourself. Yep, I know it's hard. Humans tend to compare things with each other. Nevertheless, each people is a unique being isn't it? Our weaknesses and strengths make us different from others. So...

Yeah. I should just accept myself the way I am and be happy with it. Thank God I am still 'me'.

Raya leave

Bismillah.

Argh, I feel so stupid.

Why, you ask? It's because I didn't request for any leave for this coming Raya holiday.

Yes, yes, I am now regretting that decision. And you know, regrets are useless.

Urgh, and Azrai asked for a one day leave before the Raya. i thought he didn't!

Luckily he asked for a leave on the day where Ayie, Along and Kak Yana would still be here. If he asked for the day after the Raya holiday, then I would be left alone with Pok Leh! A freaky thought!

And what's I am bothered more, I'm afraid the cafe is still closed when I come back to the hostel. Then what am I going to eat? I don't have a transport, and no one else is around during that time. How am I going to live?!

All I'm worried about is food. As long as the food is available, then I have no complain.

Huh. Sabar, sabar. Inni sooimun.

God, help me. Make things easy for me.

Jodi Picoult's House Rule

Bismillah.

Today I've finished reading Jodi Picoult's House Rules. Well, actually I started reading it the night before, and finished reading it this morning,but I didn't skip my 'beauty' sleep.

From Google

Why I read that book? Because on its front cover, it claims that its author is an *International Bestseller* (well, that's what it says on my copy of the book). Yeah, this thing intrigues me to know more on her writing style. And yeah, I got to know Dan Brown from that tagline too.

What is it about? It's about a family of three, a single mother with two boys, the older one has Asperger's syndrome. It's a syndrome where a person couldn't understand someone else's display of emotion, and the patient himself couldn't understand or express emotions well. That's what I understand. And if you have watched the movie My Name is Khan starring Shah Rukh Khan, you might know a bit about the syndrome. To know more, search for it (do I have to even tell you that?).

My opinion about it? Well...average. Maybe it disappoints me a bit. I expect something from it, and it isn't met. Please note that I'm not a professional and am very far from claiming to be one, but hey, this is my blog (deal with it).

The language level is not as challenging as Dan Brown's (maybe I shouldn't compare my newly bought novel to my all time favorite). Some words are being used repetitively (which *doesn't* help with my vocabulary building), and I find it a bit boring (from the lack of challenges of having to open a dictionary to look up for the words, and thus learn something new!)

Even though I do like how she writes from the perspectives of different people, some of them have less importance and somehow I wish the story is told from someone else's view.

Some facts mentioned in the beginning are being repeated somewhere in the middle or at the end of the story. I kind of, don't like that because it feels like it's telling that I'm not competent enough to remember those facts (hey, just mention some keywords on what you wanna refer back to and I can just easily flip back through a few pages).

That, and also to mention, some sentences that are written in the middle of the story doesn't match with what was being told before. I mean, the story is about Asperger kid with crime scene, some lawsuit and all, but one time I notice the witness is talking contradictory to the time he arrives at the crime scene. Well, maybe you would say that the lawyer in the story supposed to (really) suck, but as for me, (who likes to read investigations with no stones left unturned, and also who has finished playing Ace Attorney series on NDS), these kind of contradicting details that goes unnoticed make this novel falls one star behind Dan Brown (despite the claim that it's internationally bestselling). In the story, the crime scene is not properly described, (or investigated), and no one ever mentioned about *murder weapons*! How can you charge someone with murder if you don't know what kills the corpse? (and oh the prosecutor is so convinced that she's gonna win the case!). How can the most basic thing like this be forgotten by the cops, and the lawyers (and the judge)?Well, maybe you'd tell me that this novel isn't supposed to be a crime investigation novel, but, I've said what I wanna say.

Other than that, I don't like reading about sex (even a hint of it, well, maybe a peck on the cheek would be passable). Luckily, this novel is not as bad as some other novels that I've stumbled upon.

Last but not least, I don't like it when the novel ends when it reaches its climax. I wanna see how the complicated turns of events untangle themselves free from all my doubts. Yes, you've told me all the truth that have been kept inside, but then you end the story abruptly, leaving me to imagine: Even though the truth has been told, would they win the trial? What will happen to Jacob and Theo? Emma will end up with Oliver, or does Henry want her back? What about Detective Matson who likes Auntie Em a lot, would he develop a relationship with Emma?

(Yes, I know none of these characters are alive for me to know and care so much about them. But I just don't leave things as they are without being solved thoroughly).

Fuh. I think I've finished ranting. Oh no wait. Maybe I haven't. Maybe I'm just sleepy and couldn't think anymore (it's 1.18am now). Anyway, still, congratulation on being and international bestseller, and I wouldn't be afraid to look up for your other books to read from, Mrs. (or Ms) Jodi Picoult. I've said it, and I'll say it again. I'm not a professional novel analyst, so you can take in or ignore what I've said in this blog. Thank you.

p.s: Waiting for Dan Brown's Inferno to be published in May.

My 'other' hobby

Bismillah.

Huh. Esok nak exam ni. Comp Math pulak tu. Subjek yang terkenal dengan jalan kira yang panjang berjela hinggakan mau satu soalan guna berbelas helai kertas!

Fuh, naseb baik itu hanya assignmentnya saja. Dalam exam tak kot in shaa Allah.

So, dah banyak sangat mengira, nampak nombor dan formula je, kali ni aku nak menulis pulak. Apa-apa pun jadik lah.

I used to write stories during my free time, you know. I wrote a story about an alien living as superhero on Earth. Haha cliche nye. Siap ada heroin lagi, aku siap bukukan lagi. Haha.

But I'm proud of my effort.

Lagi, I wrote about a girl with an apple tree (from which I came to love apples). A sad story, but I never quite be able to finish it actually. Because each time I finish writing it, I would always try to change it to become more perfect. Oh well. Because I love that story a lot.

Then, a more, I can say, mature story. Ngeh ngeh. Malulah nak cerita kat sini. Nanti korang sindir-sindir aku plak. Ngeh ngeh. Dah, lupakan pasal cerita tu.

And...another story. Which is still WIP, but on hiatus for about...1 year? 2 year? OMG I don't have time to finish it (as usual...alasan). But really, in order to write that story, I should have the Cambridge Advanced Dictionary by my side. Because I write that story in English, and I need to refer to dictionary to search words synonyms. The story is about a bimbo onna (means poor girl, in Japanese) who got to live in a mansion as a result of winning a contest. Furthermore, she has to marry a man who always avoid everyone, and everyone hates him, except her. Cerita tu mengarut je, aku suka sebab lelaki tu ada superpower. Ngeh ngeh.

And...a lot of other stories yang separuh-separuh aku tulis, saja-saja as a hobby. If I watched an engaging story that really touched my heart, I would be inspired to write one, similar to the one I've just watched, and try to change its ending. That is how writing becomes my hobby.

Yang aku cam frust sikit ni, banyak cerita aku start tulis, tapi tak penah sampai ending nye. Mungkin endingnye dah ada dalam mind, tapi tak dapat jugak nak habis tulis story nye. Huh. Ape ke pesen aku ni. Buat keje tak penah habis ke? Huhu. Maybe because I won't be satisfied with that story, until I've reached perfection, but when? When would perfection be reached? Heh.

You know what, whatever. It's my hobby, and I don't need people's permission to do what I want. nak tulis, tulis. Taknak tulis, sudah.

There is no box, right? ;)