That 18+ 'thing'

Bismillah.

So I have a confession to make.

I am a bit annoyed that no one, NO ONE ever told me anything about this one thing.

I bet no one told you too. Well, maybe just some of you.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

I'm talking about that 18+ stuff. Yes, the stuff that married people do. And no, I won't mention that word here. IYKYK.

You know, there's a LOT of things wrong with how we're taught about this thing. Or the lack of education on it.

Or maybe that's just me. Maybe your parents or someone else did tell you about it.

But not me!

I never cared about this stuff. I didn't even know what's the deal with it, and why people talk about it so much. In movies, song lyrics, jokes etc. Heck, I used to hate it. Felt disgusted by it. To the point that I don't even care about marrying, as I might kick my significant other if he ever made a move. You know how some of us were taught that this thing is bad so we should avoid it like the plague, like how there were a lot of rape cases on the news that were scary and upsetting?

Makes me wonder how my friends are all marrying and getting children, while we all got education from the same place, around the same time. Maybe I'm the only mistake?

Hah, mistake or not, I'm a late bloomer I guess.

Yes, I used to hate it. But now...*sighs and facepalms*

NO ONE told me that we have all these damned hormones that we can't control!

All of a sudden, without warning, after 30+ years of living no less, I started to get curious about it. Because my body started to feel things. Think about things. For no freaking reason.

And it is making me repeatedly bang my head on the wall! (figuratively)

Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

You know, I told you I don't want to marry. I'm fine staying single. Because I don't want to sacrifice my freedom. Because I don't want to be someone else's slave. I don't want to be bothered dealing with people's problem. I'm ok playing with kids, but I'm also fine with having no children. No need to stay awake at nights or cleaning up after their mess.

But just because of this ONE friggin' reason, it's making me waver.

That's how frustratingly uncontrollable this thing is. If it can compete with my steadfast need for personal space, then it is a problem.

Is it worth sacrificing my freedom for?

*bangs head on the wall again*

...Should I take some hormonal pills?

Seriously...this thing is what drives me to stay online on all those dating apps. Previously it was my family who forced me to, but now I'm on there on my own volition.

Driven by freaking hormones.

And damn, it's not good AT ALL.

Kids, take this as a lesson. Don't be like me.

Don't let your relationship be driven by your hormones. Because that's just a huge mistake waiting to happen.

Not that it happened to me, not yet at least, hopefully never. But you should choose your partner based on sound thinking.

I think I did good on that part hopefully. I also think it has tighten my proverbial net of criteria for potential partners. Honestly, I even de-beautify my profile just to spite my hormones. Hah. I bet if you see my profile you'd stay away from me *smirks*.

Huh.

Whatever turns out from all those apps, at least the experience helps me learn more of myself and what I want.

---

*sighs*

This is a test, for me, really.

God is giving me a test.

And I hope God helps me to be patient with it, too.

Dear God, forgive me.

And help me, please. 

***

Social tank = empty.

Bismillah.

So...it's been many months since my last post.

And guess what, Covid is still around.

Hah.

Situation isn't improving...yet. Hopefully. 

Yes, we go vaccinated, but also the virus is mutating. Not yet time for us to breathe easy, at least for another year or so.

*sigh*

And the political situation in Malaysia is going haywire. People losing hope in the current government, but honestly if you ask me, I lose hope in both sides, the government and also the opposition.

Really, who can be trusted right now? The current government stays and the situation is not improving, yet if the opposition takes over, will they rule any better?

I'm not gonna talk about politics because I don't know a dime about it. And that's not what I came here for.

I came here to rant about not being able to go outside.

Yes, seriously.

You guys may think, eh, that's not that big of an issue. That's why I didn't go out in public and talk about it in Facebook or complain all around. Instead, I came here, into this silent space. Because it's starting to feel heavy on me. 

I know, I am still lucky to have my monthly salary in full amount while working 'comfortably' from home, yes, I'm lucky in that sense. And I am thankful for it. But being cooped indoors for 2 years, doing nothing but work, work, work...I swear, now I feel like violently breaking stuff and just go crazy. 

(No wonder domestic violence cases increased during lockdowns.)

Before this, if we are stressed about work, we can find relief by going outside, spend some time in the park, meet up with friends, try out new food places, or go to the cinemas...but now? We wake up to see the same stuff every single day, eating food alone with no company, open up our laptops and work even longer hours compared to what we are used to. (Yes, this is the life of a singleton who has no kids to bother them.)

Just what can we do to stop this?

Keep calm and live on? Sure, that's the only thing we can do right now, huh?

But how the heck do I keep calm when these neurons in my brain are demanding for fresh external stimulations???

...

With days passing by, I think my social skills are going rusty.

Haa like I haven't gone through that before. I did, but that was by choice. Now...

Hah I was even planning to get to know more guys to find someone as husband material, but I guess I should throw that plan into the bin too, huh.

I tried that marriage website thingy, even paid for it. Got to know a guy, but I only got it going for like what, 3 months?

Haaa...Online dating is not for me. Even more so, messaging. Even to family members or close friends, I deliberately delay my replies if I couldn't be bothered. I much prefer meeting face-to-face. I express myself better that way. My messages are more blunt and straight to the point, while if face-to-face, my body language fills in for the lack of words I am saying.

Haa...

Right now I even wish I could go out and just sit somewhere in a crowd and just smile at random strangers. Yes, that's how totally empty my social tank is.

I want to see people.

*sigh*

*****

Haa...I'm tired of work.

(Again??)

I don't know if it's because of this lockdown, or because of the nature of the work itself.

I'm starting to feel like I will get bored of my work every 2-3 years. I remember feeling like this after the 2-years mark of my previous job, I felt like not caring about it at all and just starting to hate whatever it was.

But if I quit now...

(Haa the same, predictable question that has been asked many times on this blog)

I don't think I should quit yet. 1. The economic situation isn't good. 2. I couldn't be bothered to go for interviews, especially online interviews and not a face-to-face one. 3. Even if I manage to land a new job, I'd hate not being able to get to know my new colleagues in real life.

Honestly, I started wanting a sabbatical. Obviously, I wanted a rest.

I guess...others would feel the same, too. Just rest while letting this Covid situation solves itself. Since it's not allowing us to do what we want to do, why do we still need to do what we don't want to do i.e. work?

(Haa I think you are out of touch with reality. People work to live. People work because they need to feed themselves and their families.)

Then, if I don't work, I die?

(Not directly...if you don't work, you'd still have to do something in order to buy food for yourself, right?)

...I guess.

But I don't have to work this 8-5 office job, right?

(...Are you saying you are wiling to take on a different, possibly a more physically-gruesome job?)

...I don't know! I never tried! The only physical job I have tried before was working as a cleaner, and that was just for, like, 8 days!

Can't I try it now? Is 30+ years old too late to try on new things? Why? Why some jobs don't accept a 30+ years old as new recruits? Am I doomed, then?

*sigh*

...I don't know. God, I don't know.

I was thinking of working in a farm of some sort.

******

Dear God, I really don't know.

This Covid situation isn't pretty at all, people died here and there.

Makes you realize that life is fleeting. Anyone can be infected by the virus, and even healthy, active youngsters can die from it.

God...this is Your plan. Only You are capable of turning things back to normal. What we can do, oh dear God, is to pray to You, oh Supreme Being. We are nothing, we are helpless. Only You, oh Lord of the Worlds, are capable to do anything. Verily, we are nothing without You.

Dear God, help us.

***

Anxiety

Bismillah.

Huh. I do only come here every 3-4 months.

------

Anxiety.

Unable to breath properly.

Sure, my housemate had that before, she keeps telling me about it. She used to be anxious because of a bad situation she was in.

But what about me?

It happens too, but behind close doors. I couldn't sleep much, I couldn't eat much because of it, but I just tell people that I have a stomach ache only.

...

I've been saying this again and again. 

I feel hurt too! I can feel pain too! I have my own problems too! Just because I don't tell anyone about it...

... doesn't mean I'm living worry free.

It's just that I'm enduring it alone.

And when you've been enduring it alone long enough, you'll become bitter.

This...hateful feeling is not something I'm proud of.

Even I, myself, hate it.

I feel imperfect.

That I'm incapable of loving.

It's fine as long as I don't trouble others.

But I'm gonna be very lonely.

...Ah, this hateful feeling.

----

She's got her list of her illnesses, and she shared it with us.

How do I feel about it?

What do you think? When someone shows a list of her pain to a person who never tells others about her troubles, what do you think she's gonna feel?

The same way if you have a friend showing her travel photos, her happy family, her branded handbags and clothes...and shove them all to your face, you who are not as wealthy as her.

...Would you feel jealous?

No, not jealous. Instead, you'd be irritated. Annoyed.

Or up to a certain extent... vengeful.

She dares share it with me (it was a list of them!), hoping that I would care and feel sorry for her...

...just makes me feel resentful.

I have been enduring all these hurt and pain and fear alone, without telling you. I even decided to never let you know if I ever got admitted into a hospital because I don't want to trouble you from fussing over me. Because you'd get sick if you worry too much.

...But how dare you do this to me?

...

...Yes, I feel angry.

This freaking passive-aggressiveness, I freaking hate it.

I feel bitter, because I have to care, even though it makes me angry.

***

Here I am, staying alone in my room for the long weekend just trying to recover back from my anxiety. I had to reject my brother's request for help back in my hometown. That didn't feel good. I felt guilty for declining.

I felt guilty for saying no.

What the hell. Am I showing symptoms of being a doormat?

Being kind doesn't come easy for me, so I make a conscious effort for it. And now I'm even blaming myself for not being nice enough. For turning others down.

...Hahhh I'm tired.

What's the point.