Be mad.

Bismillah.

I'm just in a bad mood.

Yes, I'm in a bad mood. Just in a bad mood, for no reason.

I want to be in a bad mood. Let me be. I want to be angry. I want to be allowed to be in a bad mood. I want someone to go along with my bad mood. I want someone to say to me: "It's okay, be ugly. Be mad all you want. I'll be here."

************

"WHY?! Why are you still here?! Why won't you go away?! Why are you trying to make me feel better?!"

You shook his shoulder violently. You were furious. With all the problems you're facing right now, you really won't appreciate another addition.

"...Because I love you."

"...WHAT??!!"

*smack his head with a hammer in my imagination*

******

People, that kind of statement is considered as bullsh*t for people like me.

******

"...Believe me or not, I need to be by your side. ...Yes, I am selfish. Even if you didn't need me, I need you. By being with you, it makes me feel better."

Huh. Selfish.

"But I can't be with you unless I offer something in return, right?"

"...What CAN you offer?"

"By staying by your side."

Your jaws dropped. Where did he put his brain? In the drain? Oh I forgot. I've smashed it into pieces.

"No worries. You're in a bad mood, right? You just wanna let it all go. Then go for it. Be ugly all you want. Scream, stomp your feet, be mad like a child. I'll be here. Don't worry, I won't judge."

"..."

"You're shy? Then lemme join."

He walked towards the riverbank and started shouting. Luckily, no one else was around.

"COULDN'T YOU TREAT YOUR CUSTOMER BETTER? MY MONEY PAYS FOR YOUR WAGES, RIGHT? I HOPE YOUR SHOP WOULD HAVE NO CUSTOMER FOR THE WHOLE DAY!"

You stared at him, wide-eyed.

"...What?" He feigned innocence.

"..."

"Come on, your turn."

"..."

He waited.

Should I try?

Let me try.

"...She...she knew nothing about me...And then she judged me?! Unbelievable. I-I told her nothing...I kept quiet. But she wanted to know more. I-I..."

I refused. Why? Because if I told her, she'd judge me too. She'd judge me, maybe even worse. All she did was got angry. She won't say thank you. She won't praise. Even if she did, she'd make sure to follow it with some insults. Like I'm not good enough. There''ll always be some flaws inside me. She can't be satisfied. Maybe she already is satisfied...but what is she doing, telling me you shouldn't do this, you should do that?! What I've done all this while were not enough?! She didn't even notice?! She wouldn't appreciate! Yeah, I know. She has her ego, I have mine, too. So what, is it wrong for me to be angry at her ego? It's not like I'm shouting all these at her face. See, I'm good, right? I did something good, right?

You unconsciously looked at his face, trying to find something. But you couldn't find it. Of course you couldn't find it. You didn't let it out. You just kept it inside your mind.You didn't tell it to him.

"Huh...damn it..."

"..."

He waited, again.You buried your face inside your palms.

"Why am I feeling this way? Why does this feeling...Why does it exist?"

He came to your side and held your hands.

"It's okay. You can be angry. You can be mad. You can be sad. You can feel whatever you wanna feel. You are not wrong."

"Then why..."

"Come, tell it to the person who told you you're wrong. Let it out."

You hesitated. But the firm grasp of his hand against yours weren't nothing. You felt confidence, even if just for a few seconds.

"It is still useless. ...Even if I release my anger here, she wouldn't know...This...this feeling..."

"...You're feeling so angry but you can't let it out..."

"..."

******

Yeah, I sometimes write romance. So what.

Weaknesses and strengths.

Bismillah.

I am sure about my weaknesses, but always unsure about my strength.

Yep. I have psoriasis, I have a stabbing headache (luckily not often), I sleep late and wake up late, my grammar and vocab wouldn't make me proud and confident enough to publish (or even start writing) a story, I suck at talking with adults, I can't emphatize well, I'm impatient...(please, let me continue), I suck at making best friends,  i don't know what should I do with my future...and I'm still dependent on my mother.

Gosh, all those make me feel bad. And that's not even the end of the list!

We all have our weaknesses, right? Things we that we don't want other to know. Things that we keep hating because they always stay inside us. Even though we manage to lose some along the journey to become mature, we pick some new others too.

That's human, we are imperfect.

Though I'd like to stress here, remember that there will always be someone who's having worse. You still have a home, someone else don't. You still have a family, someone else don't. Even if you really have nothing, at least you are still alive, and you have God. You can ask Him anything. Even simple things like, dear God, please give me a new shoes as this one I'm wearing is already torn. I said, ANYTHING.

Dear Allah, help me ease this headache. Please.

*********

What about strengths? Can we be really sure about our strengths?

Hah, I can't.

At least, that's for me. A lot of women feel not so confident and value themselves lesser than they should. That's why they know about their weaknesses more than their strengths.

Anyway, I shall attempt to list my strengths.

Hmm...I can understand lessons pretty fast, I'm confident with my skills of copying, I can draw and write stuffs (though never good at them, huh). I'm tough (or at least from my point of view), I like challenges (but not too much physical challenges, please), I can do some boys' stuffs (is that supposed to be a good thing?!) and umm...I can cook a bit...and umm...

Oh quit it! Coming up with good things about yourself is tiring. It's like praising yourself and you are happy with it, but then you say to yourself, other people can do all those better than you.

Huh. Even the list of strengths I wrote has some weaknesses in there, too.

*********

And so, people tell me not to compare myself to others, even weaknesses or strengths. If you wanna compare, compare with yourself. Yep, I know it's hard. Humans tend to compare things with each other. Nevertheless, each people is a unique being isn't it? Our weaknesses and strengths make us different from others. So...

Yeah. I should just accept myself the way I am and be happy with it. Thank God I am still 'me'.

Raya leave

Bismillah.

Argh, I feel so stupid.

Why, you ask? It's because I didn't request for any leave for this coming Raya holiday.

Yes, yes, I am now regretting that decision. And you know, regrets are useless.

Urgh, and Azrai asked for a one day leave before the Raya. i thought he didn't!

Luckily he asked for a leave on the day where Ayie, Along and Kak Yana would still be here. If he asked for the day after the Raya holiday, then I would be left alone with Pok Leh! A freaky thought!

And what's I am bothered more, I'm afraid the cafe is still closed when I come back to the hostel. Then what am I going to eat? I don't have a transport, and no one else is around during that time. How am I going to live?!

All I'm worried about is food. As long as the food is available, then I have no complain.

Huh. Sabar, sabar. Inni sooimun.

God, help me. Make things easy for me.