Stress kerja.

Bismillah.

Assalamualaikum.

Sihat?

Alhamdulillah.

Aku stress kerja.

Haha. Awal-awal post dah cakap benda tak best.

Ha'ah, stress. Malam-malam balik kerja pun still buat kerja.

Hari-hari pergi kerja bagi 100% fokus, ingat balik rumah boleh rehat la.

Tak, sambung bukak laptop, kejar produk nak tunjuk dekat bos Amsterdam. Maklumlah, time zone lain.

Kau ingat otak aku tak penat ke? Penat dow.

Kau ingat 100% fokus yang kau dah bagi kat tempat kerja tu dah cukup ke? Tak cukup dow.

Apa lagi yang dia nak dari aku ni?

Penat.

Tak puas, tak cukup rasanya masa rehat yang ada lepas balik kerja.

Lagi-lagi untuk orang yang kerja bukan dalam bidang yang dia suka.

Balik kerja, mestilah nak buat hobi yang dia suka. Tapi, kau balik kerja, ada berapa jam je lagi tinggal sebelum kau masuk tido?

Ada lah...dalam 3 jam.

Dude, aku balik kerja pukul 7, 7.30pm. Sampai rumah dalam pukul 8, solat semua bagai, pukul 9 baru boleh rest atau start hobi.

Itu pun kalau tak bawak kerja balik rumah.

Nak makan lagi. Kalau nak masak, lagi lah makan masa.

Aku buat benda semuanya take time. Makan la terutamanya, mau satu jam untuk satu meal.

Tak enjoy la kalau kau nak suruh aku makan laju. Terkejar-kejar. Makan telan je, mana nak rasa nikmat makan tu.

Kerja aku ni, macam tu lah. Buat aku rasa terkejar-kejar.

Kejarkan release date untuk product, kejar achievement/performance untuk jawab depan bos, kejar compete dengan colleagues untuk siapkan kerja paling cepat/sumbang idea paling best...

Aku rasa bodoh. Diorang (officemates) ni semua bijak-bijak. Belajar oversea, idea bagus-bagus, ilmu banyak...yang melayu pun speaking English macam air kot!

Aku siapa? Budak melayu 'domestik' (haha) yang belajar dekat Universiti Islam Antarabangsa Malaysia. Tak pernah jejak kaki ke oversea langsung. Apa sumbangan aku dalam kampeni tu?

Entah. Aku rasa aku ni expendable je rasanya.

Aku perasan, masa bos aku edar-edarkan surat tax kat semua orang, yang lain received 3 helai. Aku received 2 je.

Kenapa?

Baru aku tau, aku tak ada potongan tax, sebab gaji aku tak layak untuk tax. Orang lain ada.

Orang lain yang kena tax tu, masuk lagi lewat dari aku kot! Sama level, fresh grad. So gaji dia lagi tinggi dari aku lah?

Cumanya, iye lah, dia grad Australia nu. Buat kerja pun rajin, efisyen, mendengar cakap, sumbang idea.

Kenapa, aku buat kerja tak rajin ke? Aku tak sumbang idea ke? Aku buat kerja malam kot, kadang-kadang on weekend pun aku buat sikit. Aku datang awal, balik lewat. Aku bagi idea, tapi korang pandang muka aku terkebil-kebil macam aku cakap benda bodoh.

Kenapa, sebab aku buat kerja lembab?

Sebab aku cakap English sangkut-sangkut?

Sebab aku bagi idea entah pape?

Sebab aku bodoh?

...

Dude, aku tak bodoh. Aku ada otak. Aku boleh fikir. Kau jangan degrade aku.

Aku tak penuhi expectation kau, tak bermakna aku ni bodoh.

Maknanya, aku tak sesuai untuk penuhi apa yang kau nak.

Dude, kau nak suruh panjat pokok, jangan la expect semua orang untuk pandai panjat pokok. Dude, harimau pun kau nak expect jadi pandai panjat pokok?

Dude, aku reti bab lain, tapi tak, kau tak peduli. Kau nak semua orang ikut pandai bab bidang yang kau nak aje.

Dude, kau pernah dengar tak, tips nak jadi leader yang bagus adalah dengan pandai utilize specialties yang unique yang ada pada setiap anak buah.

Dude, aku rasa kau ingat manusia ni kilang.

Oh wait, all companies think their employees are just generic factory workers.

They forgot that we're humans! We have problems, we have personal life, personal matters, personal problems to deal with!

Kau lupa, aku juga ada kehidupan kat luar ni! Bukannya sibuk kejar kau punya achievement tu!

To hell la kau punya duit. Tak payah la offer naik gaji. Tak guna pun duit tu kalau aku tak happy.

MONEY

Bismillah.

God, look at that.

Look at that girl with her two sisters. They look happy. She brought them around, showed them the city.

God, look at them.

Look at those people playing skateboards, fist-bumping one another. They look cool. They got the freedom to be outside even after midnight, no worries.

God, look at her.

Look at her when she went back home from work, exhausted and stressed out. We knew. But now she asked me to do same thing that made her unhappy.

God, look at me.

Look at how the boss is praising me, encouraging me for my work. But my doubts grow day by day. I am not happy, even confused.

God, look at me.

Look at how I envy other people's lives, being ungrateful for what I have. Yet, I am paralyzed, unable to make the necessary changes, if any is needed.

God, look at me.

Look at how stupidly I am trying to make myself happy, hanging out with friends, playing games, eating. But this is not living. It's empty. It's fake.

God, why am I wasting my 40+ hours a week, doing something I don't care about?

MONEY???!!!

MONEY???!!!

That sh*t. That sh*t that WE ALL NEED just to survive in this world.

WHY, DO WE DIE IF WE DON'T HAVE IT???

Ugh.

I think a lot on just living under the bridge, homeless. I mean, what worse things that could've happened if I don't have money?

But then, your family needs you. You need to feed them mouths.

OH NOES THEY DON'T NEED YOU THEY NEED YOUR MONEY! THOSE DAMN GREEN RED PAPER THING YOU KEEP INSIDE YOU WALLET/PURSES...THE THICKER YOU HAVE THE BETTER...

...

See how money becomes the thing that determines your life?

Oh don't you go around telling me, 'no, I'm not driven by money'...because it's all LIES!

In the end, you work because you want money. You go around searching for better jobs, even though you already have one, because you want MORE MONEY!

But...without money, how are you gonna put food in your mouth?

...

I don't know, eat grass or something?

See. Without money, YOU DIE.

***

God...forgive me. Please.

Who am I?

Fighting for a battle.

A battle, against my own self.

Who would've thought. That I couldn't accept my past.

What is it? What about it that I want to stay away from it?

Why, oh my past self, what did you do?

You know...I did nothing.

That's the problem.

I can't accept myself. For not being someone. 

For being lost right now.

Because now, I've lost who I was before.

People said to emerge from a battle with victory, you need to lose everything first.

Well, now you're happy huh?

That I'm no longer my previous self. 

That now, I'm no one.

Who am I?

Trying so hard to make a dent in this world.

It's you, against the whole world.

It's you. Alone.

With God.