Decisions

Bismillah.

Decisions, decisions.

Sometimes I put the blame on being an adult.

Well, if you were a kid then other people make decisions for you, right? They’ll tell you where to spend your money, where you should not go, who should you be friends with, how you should spend your time in...

Meddlesome, but at least you don’t need to bear the consequences if said orders didn’t return rewards as promised. Also, as a kid, you’ll have your adults to depend on.

As adults...you face the consequences alone. Afterall, it’s you who made that decision.

You start to wonder, did I make the wrong one?

...

Itu gunanya tawakkal.

Fine, memang dah lama aku berkira-kira nak join kelas drumming. Aku ingat lagi masa sebulan lebih kot aku baru kerja, aku cakap aku minat nak join. Ni, sekarang dah 2 tahun setengah.

Kau rasa aku still belum ready ke?

...It’s not that you’re ready or not...it’s the possible disappointment that might follow.

Would you stay long enough to be good in it? Would it be a good investment of your time, money and energy? Nevermind that you don’t really own a drum set, pretty sure you can buy that one later. But is this the right direction for you?

...You’ve been thinking about this for two years and you’re still doubting it?

What else can I do?

...Again, that’s the use of tawakkal.

You’ve prayed to God. Let’s also pray for Him to help you with the decision. If it’s good, He’ll help you. If it’s bad, He’ll help you get through it.

Thanks, God.

Alter ego

You know, according to MBTI, you’ll turn into your alternate personality when you’re in extreme stress. For example, an INFP whose order of functions are Fi, Ne, Si, Te, will turn into a Te monster when under stress. How about ISTP who’re usually calm and rational? They’ll turn into Fe crazy & bitchy grandpa/grandma that’ll complain about other people not following set standards.

How to know what your alter ego? First, identify your Dominant function. If it’s Si for example, then flip the letters so you can get Ne, and that is your alter ego. If your dominat function is Fe, then you’ll get Ti as alter ego.

Basically what happens is that when you’re too stressed, you’ll turn into someone who’s not...you. For example, as an Si dominant, you normally trust well-established rules, or facts that you know have always worked in the past. But when you’re stressed, when you’re angry, you’ll use your Ne to lash out your irritation and point out on those varieties of possibilities that could’ve happened, multiple (sometimes can be irrational) ideas about that problem you’re facing...and all of these happen in a bad way. I mean, you’re in a bad mood anyway.

For example, myself as an ISTP I use logical thinking as my day-to-day process. Most of the moving gears are in my brain, much less in my heart/feelings. But when I’m stressed, suddenly it feels like the gears in my brain overheat and stop moving completely, then within a few seconds I’ll become overwhelmed by an ocean of emotions (well, those ‘emotions’ being anger and irritation). I’ll get angry at other people for not going along with the rules(! I mean, rules are there to make other people’s lives easier, aren’t they?!). I am so focused at being angry at other people (not myself!), even though the reasons for it mostly don’t make sense when I think back about it.

Another example, shared by my colleague, her mother is an ENTJ whose dominant function is Te, so her alter ego would be Fi. This colleague of mine told me that when her mother was stressed that one time and turned into her alter ego, from someone who usually thinks that people should follow a certain structure (outward judging),  she became someone who questioned, doubted, blamed herself for the stressful situation that happened. Inner reflection of feelings, that’s her alter ego Fi showing up. Meanwhile this colleague of mine whose dominant function is Fi...meaning she’ll turn into a bad version of her mother whenever she’s stressed out ;P (no offense!).

Scary isn’t it. It’s like you’re suddenly wearing a different skin, and it’s uncomfortable, but you don’t realize that at the moment. It’s like, you’re losing control of who you really are. You’ll only realize it once you turn back into your normal self. That’s why whenever you’re stressed out and you ask someone to hear you out, they say “You’re just not being yourself.”

“Dude, of course I am not myself, I’m stressed out here, can’t you see?!”

- ISTP girl
#end

Awkward...relationship.

Bismillah.

So my younger brother already got a girlfriend.

...I think.

The one you phonecall when everyone else is sleeping, and talk to each other in whispers instead of normally? Those are what you called BF/GF right? Unless my understanding is wrong...

Well, at least my mom knows about it.

Also, I think my eldest brother has one too. Girlfriend. The one that you phone at night when people are sleeping.

Good for him. I...emm...let's just say I'm concerned about him ending up alone and lonely. Well I don't want to use the word 'pity'...

Honestly for me...it's kinda awkward.

I don't know. Maybe it's because of the fact that NONE of us in our family has ever been in a relationship.

...I think.

Well, of course the exception being my parents. But the point still stands. None of us siblings has had a girlfriend/boyfriend at school at uni or wherever. So that's why it's kinda awkward seeing them suddenly have one. It's a...rare view.

Rare indeed that I feel the need to distract myself  just to avoid hearing what they are talking about on the phone. I'd talk to myself, go do some work, ignore them...bla bla bla...

Really. Shows that I'm not really ready for a relationship I guess.

Or...

The fact that I show my love in a different way.

...

I DON'T KNOW!

Damn I know nothing about this relationship/feelings/emotion business.

That's why I always avoid it when people are talking on the phone with their couples. Especially the lovey dovey type. Even if it's between husband and wife. I feel like it's...a private matter. There are secrets only shared between married couples, that I shouldn't pry/eavesdrop on.

Or maybe because it's just awkward.

-Well there's a first time for everything.

I might want to be in a relationship, but I don't know if I'm being serious or I'm in it just for the experience.

...How did we end up talking about relationships again?

***