You are (un)intentionally gaslighting! (Also, read this if people make you feel inadequate))

Bismillah.

So I had an epiphany today, I feel compelled to write it down now even though it's 1AM in the wee morning.

So last week I went to the park alone and just, like, walked around, had lunch all by myself. Guess what people said when they knew about it?

One guy at the park greeted me and asked where are my friends. I had to lie and said they went shopping.

My housemate also asked if I went there with a friend. I said no.

My brother said it would have been much more fun if you have a partner (read: husband) so that you can go jalan-jalan wherever you want with him.

ALL of these people saying these to me, as if I can't and won't be happy if I do it alone.

As if they are trying to guilt-trip me.

As if me, feeling happy and enjoying my time, is wrong if I don't have someone else with me.

HELLO!!!

This is the definition of gaslighting! (here's from Google: manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning)

You ARE making me question if my own feelings are wrong!!!

Grrr...I'm so angry.

I can't believe that I only realize this now.

All those weird feelings in my stomach whenever people ask where are my friends and why didn't I go with them. My feelings are actually trying to tell me something.

This...gap between what I really feel (i.e.: happy), versus what they expect me to feel (i.e.: a sad, lonely loser)

And DON'T even try to tell me that maybe I'm lying to myself, that maybe deep down I am feeling lonely.

Well, SCREW you! If you ever want to tell me that, that's taking gaslighting to the next level! You are invalidating my feelings, and again, making me question my own sanity.

And even if someone is lying to themselves (I'm giving you a wide benefit of doubt here), let them be! DO NOT gaslight them! If they are indeed wrong, give good advices and let them figure out on their own! That's the purpose of giving advices, so that they can learn! Not for YOU to CONTROL what they feel and and what they think!

Dear Allah...I feel angry. Huh.

If I feel happy going around, walking in parks, who are you to say it's a sad situation?

If I feel happy going to places and eating on my own, who are you to say that it's wrong?

I will ONLY tolerate another person being there with me, IF that person can make me feel more than happy being there.

If I feel enough on my own, of course I would expect the person wanting to be with me to make me feel even better! I won't even tolerate if that person makes me feel bad when doing things I like. Then I would rather do it alone!

I am enough! I am happy for myself! All these questioning whether I don't feel lonely or that I should have someone with me is just trying to make me feel bad!

Sure, I get it, being a loner is practically bad for the society because having a partner means you will be reproducing and making babies, meaning it is good for continuation of your generation line and good for humanity's survival and all that jazz...sure! Yeah, I get it. So your gaslighting is a result of societal pressure to not be alone and  have partners and make babies.

Sure...so I have to understand where you're coming from, but you don't need to understand MY point-of view?

So you're just saying I'm wrong for going against the grain?

Heck no, YOU are wrong. I am not going against the grain. I am not against marriage. I am just making sure that the person I'll be with is going to be worth my time. If he doesn't make me happier than I currently am, then why bother picking up extra work, RIGHT?

Just like you at your job! If the extra task your boss told you to pick won't result in higher bonus or salary, then why bother picking it up? In the end you will pick it up and RESENT it, won't you?

This is not too-high standard. This is BASIC! Not just for women but for men as well!

Huh. I wish my future self will remember to come back here and read this every time she feels lonely or inadequate.

Huh, I'm so mad I only notice this happening now. Well, at least I'm glad I finally notice it, rather than let myself wallow in self-doubt.

That's one thing to be thankful about.

I'm too picky.

Bismillah.

So I am choosy.

Always have been, just started noticing it like 10 years ago, when I was trying to pick a backpack to buy. I can still remember my coursemates growing bored, waiting for me to choose what I wanted already. The problem was, I was trying to decide between 2 bags, each had features the other didn't have. 

In the end, I didn't even buy them. 

This trait of mine is even more obvious now that I'm older.

The story was, just today, I was pleasantly surprised to have found a pair of shoes that felt like mine the moment I saw it. 

I guess that's what people call as love at first sight? 

At first I saw it and thought, nice design. Nice colors. Then I tested its flexibility and it passed. Felt the material. Felt nice. The RM50 pricetag, too, was what I wouldn't mind paying. So far everything was perfect. 

Just so you know, this occasion is very rare. I am not one of those people who can straightaway buy a nice blouse or scarf or shoes whenever they see one. 

Now, moment of truth... to ask the retail assistant if my size was available. Usually shoes on sale like this will only have sizes that are either too small or too big. 

Turned out it was available. So she went and brought it to me, I tried it out in front of a mirror, and it felt like... it was mine already. Like I would wear it and use it right there and then. Everything clicks in place. Sure, there are one or two points of discomfort, but nothing untreatable if worn often. Sure, the design means it'll be hard to put on or take off quickly, but hey, it's the kind of design that I like so I'm willing to live with that. 

Well, granted that I've own a similar pair of sneakers a couple of decades back, it was one of my first shoes that I really like and stayed with me for quite a long time. I guess that's how I can recognize what I like, what I wanted in an instant, because I've had good experience in owning one similar to it. 

On the other hand, there's the purse. Actually my purpose of going out was to buy a purse, because my old one was so bad I'd be embarrassed everytime I took it out to pay for something. So I was desperate to have it replaced. 

I've been going almost everywhere, searching high and low for the perfect purse/wallet that would fulfill my very-specific-list of criterion. Yes, I even search at men's section, but their wallet designs are pretty much the same across the brands it's boring 🙄 and men's wallet only have zipper coin slots that is too small. See how specific I am?

The right height, the right thickness, the right material, the right color, the right cost, the right features... I wouldn't even tolerate some extra space or additional slots, because I wanted something simple, practical and minimalist. My old one was of the perfect size, but I can't go buy the same thing anymore because the shop closed down.

In the end, I settled for something that doesn't really 'clicks', but still fulfill some of my needs. I settled for something... less. The coin slot is what I wanted, it's a zipper, though it could be better. The size... eh, slightly bigger, not as tall as I wanted but at least it can still fit my pocket. Barely able to fit all my cards though, hopefully it won't break too soon each time I take out or push those cards back in. The material too is not of my liking, would like for something more sturdy and could withstand scratches. Oh well. But the price was okay, it was around RM50 as well.

You might ask why I didn't just buy online. I wouldn't like that, because I want to feel the material in my hand. I want to see it with my eyes, and compare it physically with my old purse. I want to see how thick it is, and whether it's bulging or not. I don't trust the measurements provided by those online

platforms, even 1cm larger could mean it wouldn't fit in my pocket.

Or maybe I'm too paranoid or exaggerating.

I guess this reflects my online dating attempts. I am really bad at texting, and it doesn't help that those men on there don't even bother writing more info about themselves on their profile. You see, over the internet I can't have a feel of what a person really like. I don't see their body language, I can't hear their tones when speaking, I can't gauge their facial expressions. 

Huh. I guess that's why I hate texting. Because it lacks all these 'sparkles' and 'decorations' that make it interesting. For me, texting is best only for exchanging information. I thought it is well known that more than half of our whole communication is through body language? 

So that's why I probably should take a break from OLD (OnLine Dating). It doesn't suit me. If I want to find a partner, maybe I need to go around finding them like I tried searching for a new wallet. Huh, and in the end, the wallet I got was only decent, but instead I found myself a perfect pair of sneakers.

Then maybe I should go around without the intention to date, because then I won't feel the urge to settle for less, like what happened with my purse hunt.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

That 18+ 'thing'

Bismillah.

So I have a confession to make.

I am a bit annoyed that no one, NO ONE ever told me anything about this one thing.

I bet no one told you too. Well, maybe just some of you.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

I'm talking about that 18+ stuff. Yes, the stuff that married people do. And no, I won't mention that word here. IYKYK.

You know, there's a LOT of things wrong with how we're taught about this thing. Or the lack of education on it.

Or maybe that's just me. Maybe your parents or someone else did tell you about it.

But not me!

I never cared about this stuff. I didn't even know what's the deal with it, and why people talk about it so much. In movies, song lyrics, jokes etc. Heck, I used to hate it. Felt disgusted by it. To the point that I don't even care about marrying, as I might kick my significant other if he ever made a move. You know how some of us were taught that this thing is bad so we should avoid it like the plague, like how there were a lot of rape cases on the news that were scary and upsetting?

Makes me wonder how my friends are all marrying and getting children, while we all got education from the same place, around the same time. Maybe I'm the only mistake?

Hah, mistake or not, I'm a late bloomer I guess.

Yes, I used to hate it. But now...*sighs and facepalms*

NO ONE told me that we have all these damned hormones that we can't control!

All of a sudden, without warning, after 30+ years of living no less, I started to get curious about it. Because my body started to feel things. Think about things. For no freaking reason.

And it is making me repeatedly bang my head on the wall! (figuratively)

Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

You know, I told you I don't want to marry. I'm fine staying single. Because I don't want to sacrifice my freedom. Because I don't want to be someone else's slave. I don't want to be bothered dealing with people's problem. I'm ok playing with kids, but I'm also fine with having no children. No need to stay awake at nights or cleaning up after their mess.

But just because of this ONE friggin' reason, it's making me waver.

That's how frustratingly uncontrollable this thing is. If it can compete with my steadfast need for personal space, then it is a problem.

Is it worth sacrificing my freedom for?

*bangs head on the wall again*

...Should I take some hormonal pills?

Seriously...this thing is what drives me to stay online on all those dating apps. Previously it was my family who forced me to, but now I'm on there on my own volition.

Driven by freaking hormones.

And damn, it's not good AT ALL.

Kids, take this as a lesson. Don't be like me.

Don't let your relationship be driven by your hormones. Because that's just a huge mistake waiting to happen.

Not that it happened to me, not yet at least, hopefully never. But you should choose your partner based on sound thinking.

I think I did good on that part hopefully. I also think it has tighten my proverbial net of criteria for potential partners. Honestly, I even de-beautify my profile just to spite my hormones. Hah. I bet if you see my profile you'd stay away from me *smirks*.

Huh.

Whatever turns out from all those apps, at least the experience helps me learn more of myself and what I want.

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*sighs*

This is a test, for me, really.

God is giving me a test.

And I hope God helps me to be patient with it, too.

Dear God, forgive me.

And help me, please. 

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