The gamer in me.

The gamer in me persuaded me to write this post.

Games I've played (or at least tried playing*, or currently playing#):

On PC:

Prince of Persia 2008

The Sims 2

Mass Effect 2
Mass Effect 3

Crisis 3

osu!

O2Jam

Darksiders 1

Devil's May Cry 3

Devil's May Cry 4

Halo 1
Dishonored

Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood

Assassin's Creed: Revelation

Assassin's Creed 3

Assassin's Creed 4: Black Flag
Grim Fandago *
Dragon Age 1 #

Dragon Age 2

Samurai Warriors 2

Warriors Orochi

Tomb Raider 2013

Skyrim 5

Need for Speed: Most Wanted

Console games (played using WinDS emulator):

PSP:

Persona 3 Portable

The Legend of Heroes: Trails in The Sky

Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep

Ys Seven

Hakuoki

Star Ocean: First Departure

Star Ocean: Second Evolution

The Third Birthday

Hatsune Miku: Project Diva *

Jeanne D'Arc

NDS:

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney

Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney - Trials and Tribulation

Ace Attorney Investigation Miles Edgeworth

Apollo Justice Ace Attorney

Lost in Blue 1,2,3

Professor Layton and The Curious Village

Professor Layton and Pandora's Box

Professor Layton and The Last Specter

Professor Layton and the Lost Future

999: 9 Hours 9 Persons 9 Doors

Pokemon HeartGold

Pokemon Black/White

Pokemon Black 2 #

Pokemon Platinum

The World Ends with You

Ghost Trick: Phantom Detective

Scribblenauts*

Harvest Moon: More Friends of Mineral Town

Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass*

Hotel Dusk: Room 215

Last Window: The Secret of Cape West

Trace Memory

Tokimeki Love Memorial 1

Castlevania*

PS1:

Legend of Dragoon

Others (GBA etc.):

Pokemon Red

Pokemon Ruby

Takde lah banyak sangat, tapi best la jugak gaming ni. Kat bawah ni pulak list top 5 games favourite aku:

5. Halo - One of the first shooting games I was introduced to
4. Tomb Raider 2013 - Good, realistic gameplay, good story, good graphics
3. Mass Effect 3 - Good graphics, good upgrade from Mass Effect 2, smoother, longer gameplay
2. Mass Effect 2 - My first introduction to BioWare, easy-to-understand gameplay, can make choices, well-written story/dialogues
1. Assassin's Creed 4: Black Flag - Beautiful graphics, open world, exciting gameplay, well-executed

Alasan aku, sebab aku suka game shooting, puzzles and Action-Adventure games more than RPG. Game-game lain yang aku list kat atas tu semuanya aku suka, dan semuanya yang memang aku dah search kat internet yang memang people list as the best in their fields. So boleh la nak cakap aku main games yang best-best je, games tak best aku tak main...haha.

Sources aku untuk dapatkan game-game ni pulak, kadang-kadang aku ambik dari abang/adik aku. Tapi untuk NDS & PSP games, aku banyak download dari emuparadise.me. Free je download games kat sini. Tapi tak semua ada la.

Untuk games PC pulak, ada jugak aku download dari oceanofgames.com (download gedabak 20GB), dan ada jugak aku dapat dari igg-games.com (download parts kecik-kecik). Dua-dua aku dah try, dua-dua setakat ni okay, tak ada virus, tapi banyak la pop-up windows yang tak sepatutnya -_-;... Ada jugak orang cakap boleh download dari pcgames-download.net, tapi aku tak pernah try yang ni. Katanya yang ni download 5GB macam tu.

Sekarang, aku still main lagi. Terutamanya Mass Effect 3, sebab aku nak try choices lain. osu! pun aku main gak sekali-sekala kalau bosan. Tapi Assassin's Creed Black Flag memang aku tak boleh lupa. Graphic dia, bunyi kapal bila berlayar atas laut, Edward yang hensem...>< More details aku dah tulis dalam post aku yang ni. Memang aku akan simpan game tu sampai bila-bila. Haha.

How should I live?

Bismillah.

I need some self reflection.

First, hey, finally.

He's married. 

Good. 

Now to wait for everyone else to do the same.

And for them to forget me.

Uhh somehow I just wanna disappear. Just to avoid expectation.

Second, heh. I'm still here.

Doing the same thing that I said I want to quit every other day. 

The same job. After one year plus.

And why am I still here.

Seems like I'm dreading whatever tasks they want me to do.

Then what do you like to do?

Hell, don't ask me that question, like  I said before (and LOTS of time before), I DON'T KNOW!

Can't you just leave me alone and see what kind of things I would made, what kind of human I would be?

Huh. Self reflection. 

What would I be when I'm 30? 

That is, if I even reach 30.

What do I have? Nothing.

Look at that. You said that, you ungrateful being.

You have a family, a roof above your head, food, money, things...

But why do I feel I own nothing?

But of course I own nothing. All of these, in this world just for play, it's not permanent.

It's Allah's.

...

My mind is full with a lot of things to do, projects to finish, activities to try...I feel like, I don't have enough time to do all this.

I don't have enough time to live the life that I wanted.

How? Anxious, on the verge of losing control.

How should I live then?

Options

Bismillah.

On my way to go home now. Hell, and it says the bus is going to Seremban as well.

What the heck.

And I'm supposed to have single seat. How the heck am I in a double seat now? And how the heck did the bus become a double decker now?!

Huh. PlusLiner. Almost always got issues with them. 

Prefer Transnasional actually, but they don't offer lots of time options.

Huh. God. I don't have lots of options do I?

Actually I do.

Hell, of course I can quit if I wanted to.

As for why I haven't actually done it...

It's because of those strings attached when you're an adult. Lots of things you need to consider now that you've got more responsibility.

...

How can I live freely?

Of course I know the answer to that. Get enough money, buy a house to rent out, and live off that money. Then you can do what you want.

It's a matter of preseverence.

Urghhhh.

God. God. God.

You know so well I don't wanna do this. Oh God You know.

Alone, but not lonely.

Bismillah. 

Haritu aku beli shower cream goat milk Guardian punya. Sebab aku memang dah penah guna yang tu, so aku tau la yang mana nak pilih. Botol putih kepala hijau. Memang kat Guardian yang tu je jual. Ada kecik, ada besar.

Balik kerja haritu, singgah Guardian, capai terus botol tu. Terus bayar, terus balik. Shower cream kat rumah memang dah habis pun, so balik tu mandi terus bukak yang baru. Gonyoh punya gonyoh, aihh apsal tak keluar-keluar buih ni? Aku pun unscrew cap, tengok isi.

Aik, apsal pekat semacam? 

Apa lagi, aku tambah air sikit, goncang-goncang. Tak keluar buih jugak. Ahh lantak la, aku nak cepat. 

Esoknya aku guna lagi benda alah tu. Still takde buih gak. Haha apa, aku ingat buih tu boleh muncul tetiba macam magic agaknya. Dalam hati aku dah mula menyumpah dekat Guardian. Hoi Guardian, produk apa kau jual kat aku nih? Susu basi ke? Cehhh.

Hari ketiga, aku dah takleh pikir apa. Balik keja, penat, masuk mandi, guna  lotion goat milk Guardian tu. 

Eh jap jap. Lotion?

Ha'ah, lotion. Tengah aku mandi tu baru aku perasan, yang tertulis kat botol tu 'lotion', bukan shower cream.

Lol, patutla busuk semacam aku dua tiga hari ni.

***

Excited aku main Smule!.

Ha'ah, aku main Smule!. Aku nyanyi-nyanyi, tapi aku tak save la, tak bagi orang dengar. 

Tapi satu hari tu aku terpikir satu idea. Hmm kalau tak menyanyi, bercakap? 

Aku pun search la 'voice acting' dalam Smule tu. Ada kau!

Hah, mula la aku join sana sini. Maklumlah, aku bukan pengguna VIP, so aku tak ada access nak nyanyi unless orang lain yang bukak invite untuk ajak nyanyi sesama.

Aku pun join ahh diorang voice acting. Ye la, nama pun bercakap, kena la ada person 1 and person 2. Kang cakap sorang-sorang yang orang kata gila pulak.

Voice acting melayu tak dak ah. Voice acting Jepun, omputih banyak. Dia bagi background noise, sound effect semua, dengan lirik ikut timing. Macam macam ada, ko nak muvie IronMan, Avengers, Cinderella, Disney...yang Jepun ada Gintama, Osomatsu...tu antara yang aku join la.

Ketagih pulak aku sekejap.

Aku rasa aku jadi ketagih sebab orang komen cakap aku punya voice acting best kot. Haha oops. Ok tak, serius aku tak pandai. Tapi orang cakap best. Aku jadik motivated la nak try more and improve myself.

Heh nak yang pandai, belambak-lambak voice actors lain dalam Smule tu yang pandai cakap Jepun. Suara pun perghh cair telinga dengar, punya best. Suara aku, heh macam bunyi basikal karat. Dah la cakap Jepun main hentam je maksud dia. Lol.

Lantaklah. Aku enjoy je, especially kalau voice acting bab fight or humor. Sebab untuk babak ni how you act is more important than how your voice sounds. Suara tak sedap takpe, janji jadi lawak tu.

Entah, kadang-kadang terpikir gak, aku suka join ni sebab kat sini la aku dapat express diri aku pada orang lain. Heh hey aku pun manusia jugak, ada time nak gelak kuat, nak jerit, nak marah, nak borak...Seolah-olah bila aku join Smule voice acting ni, aku ada reason untuk jerit, marah or gelak. Kalau tak, kalau in normal everyday life, aku kena control diri aku. Be professional. Don't laugh too much. Screaming out is prohibited. You should be able to contain your feelings. Macam kita tak boleh jadi diri sendiri kalau berdepan dengan dunia sebenar ni.

Heh. Korang boleh ke accept aku yang gelak, jerit, marah macam orang gila ni? Tak kan?

Aku yang biasa, maintain cool je (haha cool la sangat). Bercakap pun tak, senyap je. So cuba bagitau aku, kat mana lagi aku boleh vent out? Haa? Aku, suka cakap dengan diri sendiri. Dalam bilik, dalam train, tengah jalan-jalan pun aku boleh entertain myself berborak dengan diri sendiri tau. Gila?

Tak, orang tau aku tak gila. Hey, aku tak gila. Aku cuma nak entertain diri sendiri je. Berborak dengan diri sendiri. Kesian kan, macam orang tak de kawan. Lonely.

Haha. Kawan? Ada. Falaha. Tu bukan takat kawan tau, tapi kesayangan. Aku sayang dia. Sampai aku takut laki dia jeles dengan aku haha. So aku limitkan mesej sayang kat dia. Nak borak dengan dia? Hey dia dah berkeluarga. Kau jangan suruh aku kacau dia. Aku sayang dia tau. Aku taknak kehidupan dia huru hara sebab aku.

Lonely? Haha hey meh aku nak cakap. I am alone, but I'm not lonely. As long as I can entertain myself, then I'm not lonely.

Aku boleh borak dengan diri sendiri, gelakkan diri sendiri, carik hobi nak buat, jalan-jalan, main game...heh. Ha'ah, aku alone, aku gila gelak sorang-sorang dalam bilik. Tapi aku tak ada mintak kau entertain aku kan?

I'm not alone, as long as I have myself.

Tapi ada downside jugak. Communication skill. Habis karat rosak communication skill aku sebab aku bercakap dengan diri sendiri je. Mana nak berkembang creativity. Kat workplace aku dok mengelak tak nak cakap dengan bos, tak nak call AMS team... Heh, social skill aku hancur. Sebab aku too independent. 

No.

 Aku...too dependent on my own self. 

Move on.

Bismillah.

"Weyh, congrats."

"Terima kasih. Hang bila pulak?"

"Heh." Aku senyum kambing. "Entah."

"Cariklah calon. Nak? Kawan saya ramai."

"Ceh." Aku senyum kambing lagi.

Entahlah Zak. Aku rasa...aku dah rapat sangat dengan kau.

Sampai dunia aku dengan lelaki jadi sempit. Siapa je lelaki yang aku kenal, selain kau dan classmates kita tu?

Ceh, betul aku kata. Aku dah rapat sangat dengan kau.

Ini tak sepatutnya jadi. Kau tu dah mula hidup jadi suami orang. Kita tak boleh rapat lagi.

Aku...

Aku susah nak move on?

Kejap, kejap. Aku dengan kau...kita rapat. Tapi...

Kita tak ada ikatan janji apa-apa kan?

Jadi...kau boleh kahwin dengan sesiapa yang kau suka. Tapi...

Tak. Tak. Aku tak nak cakap yang aku suka kau. Aku tak terfikir pun nak kahwin dengan kau.

Tapi...jujur aku cakap, aku tak ada orang lain. Circle lelaki yang aku trust sempit. Sangat sempit.

Tak, tak bermakna kau ni last choice, atau cuma placeholder...

It was like...you're the only choice I have.

Heh. Aku senyum kambing lagi. Dan kau dah tak tanya lagi kenapa aku senyum. Sebab kau tahu, aku akan cuma senyum lagi sebagai jawapan.

"Ok lah, tahniah lagi sekali. Kirim salam dekat orang rumah. Jangan nakal-nakal. Haha."

"InshaAllah. Terima kasih lah datang. Kirim salam jugak dekat yang lain-lain ea."

"InshaAllah. Assalamualaikum."

"Wa'alaikumussalam warahmatullah."

Dan aku pun berlalu dari majlis kenduri itu, masih dengan senyum kambing di bibir. My main choice has been striked off, so now I'm back to square one.

Zero actually.

Starting all over again?

Maybe that's what I need. I need him to get married. So that I can move on.

Yes. So that I can put an end to this well-hidden secret.

***

God.

God knows best.

Sebab aku tak tau aku ni layak jadi isteri orang ke tak.

Aku rasa, aku tak layak.

Tapi...ya Allah...banyak nye la dugaan kat luar ni. 

...

Dah la, penat la cakap pasal benda ni.

Bukan senang nak satukan dua jiwa yang dah 30 tahun hidup sendiri tau.

 Macam atom tau. Satu atom A dan satu atom B yang memang tak pernah bond antara satu sama lain, tetiba kau nak suruh diorang bond dan saling melekat.

Betullah orang kata, dengan pasangan nak kena ada chemistry, ada persamaan, baru jadi.

Entahla.

Dah la.

Ya Allah. Aku tak tau apa yang terbaik untuk aku. 

Kau yang tahu.

Post gambar kat FB, Instagram, dan yang sewaktu dengannya.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Ramai orang post gambar kat FB, Instagram.

 Cantik-cantik belaka. 

Ada yang post gambar sendiri, ada yang post gambar anak, famili, ada yang post gambar tempat travel dan aktiviti.

Nampak bahagia je kan.

Bila orang tengok gambar-gambar kau, terdetik kat hati orang tu, 

-"Untunglah dapat banyak like. Muka licin/cantik/hensem."

-"Wah, best nya dapat jalan sana sini. Mesti banyak guna duit kan?"

-"Comelnya anak dia/Sweetnya husband/wife/famili diorang. Etc. Etc.

Sedangkan aku tau, dan aku yakin ramai juga yang tau, the happy pictures that you put up are just a facade.

Hey, life isn't all about rainbows and sunshine. And everyone knows, this is a fact.

Fakta. Bahawa bukan setiap hari kita akan nampak bahagia dan happy macam dalam gambar-gambar yang kita post tu.

However, it's not wrong to post them pictures.

Aku tahu, some people make it their life goal to be as happy as they can, so those beautiful pictures that they posted may act like their motivation. And this is not wrong. It's good, even. It is good, to have a dream, a dream of an ideal life that you wish to live.

So... I guess it's just me.

Aku...susah nak post gambar. Salah satu sebab, aku taknak tunjuk muka pada public. Macam-macam orang boleh buat dengan gambar kita. Photoshop la, sihir la, simpan buat stock la etc. etc. Not to say that I'm so famous that people want to keep my pictures in their wallets haha.

Sebab kedua ialah aku tak nampak alasan yang kukuh untuk kongsi gambar aku yang happy sangat tu. Sebab aku tau, hanya dengan sekeping gambar happy tu tak cukup untuk menggambarkan seluruh hidup aku.

Like I said previously, life is not all about rainbows and butterflies. Selain gembira, ada juga sedih, marah, takut...nanti kalau aku dah start post satu gambar happy, maka next aku pun kena post gambar sedih, marah etc. etc....haha, sebenarnya aku je yang susah nak post gambar. Susah nak post apa-apa. Tak tau nak post untuk apa.

Umm atau mungkin, aku ni yang banyak berahsia. Haha.

Hmm. Back to the main issue of this post. Post gambar dalam FB and Insta. Tak salah. Ya, aku cakap tak salah. 

But truth be told...I'm a bit jealous la. Haha. Tengok muka kawan-kawan, junior-junior, abang kakak yang comel-comel, kulit putih licin, tangkap gambar muka masam macam mana pun still maintain hensem! Haish macam mana la kau buat kan. Sebab tu kalau aku tangkap gambar, aku buat muka funny, hidung senget, jelir lidah. Sebabnya, kalau muka aku tak secantik diorang, at least muka aku dapat hiburkan diorang, buat diorang gelak. Haha. Hey, kadang-kadang aku teringin jugak nak post gambar macam korang. Muka comel, duck mouth (XD), senyum nampak gigi, fotogenik...Tapi aku tau, muka aku takda lah hadap mana orang nak tengok. Lagipun, aku malu kalau orang like gambar muka aku. Nanti nampak macam meraih perhatian (attention seeking) pulak. (No offense, just personal preference). Jual muka. Aku mahal. Kalau nak tengok muka aku, tengok depan-depan. Lol.

Kalau nak post gambar travel, hmm...aku bukannya travel mana. Pi mai pi mai tang tu jugak. Kerja, rumah. Kerja, rumah. Tak travel pun. Tapi jujur aku cakap, spend time dalam bilik pun best jugak. Aku ada banyak projek (read: hobby) yang aku nak buat. Yes, I have lots of interests and interests aku fluctuate over time. Kejap aku dah bosan hobi ni, aku buat hobi lain. Then, hobi lain. Then hobi lain. Then, patah balik kepada hobi yang first tadi. So, aku jeles la jugak tengok gambar orang travel. Tapi banyak sangat alasan yang aku boleh bagi untuk justify kenapa aku tak travel. Haha. Malas nak planning, tak ada teman, malas kumpul duit, malas itu, malas ini...dah, dah biar aku simpan sendiri alasan aku. Takut berdarah telinga (mata) korang dengar nanti.

Tengok gambar famili...haa aku no komen. Hey, bebudak comel pe. Tapi tak best la kalau tengok gambar je. Kau tau apa yang lagi best? Bila korang dapat spend time dengan budak-budak comel tu. Korang pegang tangan dia untuk ajar berjalan, tolong kendongkan sementara mak budak tu pergi shopping, buat budak tu gelak, bagi budak tu makan...etc. etc...Bila kau jumpa depan-depan, baru kau tau yang budak ni bukannya senyum memanjang. Lagi banyak tantrumnya dari sengih. Merengek, nangis tak kira tempat. Haha. For me, bila kau rasa sendiri, baru kau tahu, indah khabar dari rupa.

You see, that said, walaupun aku tak post gambar apa-apa pun, tak bermakna aku takda life yang happy. Ada je sekali tu aku pergi social activities dengan office, pergi water rafting dengan waterfall abseiling. Best gila siot water rafting tu! Tapi aku tak post satu gambar pun. Hmm. Sebab bagi aku, gambar tu tak cukup untuk menerangkan suasana keseronokan yang aku alami. Man, you gotta experience it yourself man! Takat tengok gambar, mana cukup! Kau kena rasa macam mana raft kau terumbang ambing dek arus, air memercik ke muka, kau lean ke kiri, ke kanan, just to keep the balance of the raft, ikut cakap pengemudi, kayuh ikut rentak...pergh...all my senses were satisfied. (Pstt, gambar kitorang waterfall abseiling masuk Siakap Keli kot! Haha. Nasib baik tak ada orang perasan)

Haha yep. Tu je lah pendapat aku tentang gambar-gambar tu. Ya, aku jeles la jugak sikit. Siap ada orang compare muka dia sama dengan pelakon Korea. Haha. Untunglah muka kau hensem bang. Tak pa, tak pa, just go on with what you guys are doing. Biarlah aku kat sini hari hari menatap gambar happy korang. Ya, aku tau, disebalik kebahagiaan itu, aku sentiasa remind diri aku sendiri, bukan setiap hari dia happy macam tu. Jadi biarlah, dia meniknmati saat itu selagi ia masih ada. For me, sedih ke, happy ke, marah ke...perasaan-perasaan tu akan jadi lebih berbaloi bila kita tengok dan alaminya sendiri di depan mata, instead of just watching it over the net or something. That way baru aku namakan berkongsi kegembiraan.

The end.

Ask yourself.

Ask yourself. Do you really need it? Do you really need the job?

Better yet, ask yourself. Do you need to work?

Hah. Honestly, I don't know. When I applied for it, it seems oh so nice, oh so beautiful, oh this job description is perfect for me.

Little did I know, little did I know.

How would I know?! GOD! How would I know when I haven't tried it yet? Ugh! That's how I learn? Why do you have to complain about it?

Hey, if you're happy with your job now, or at least you do feel that this is your career path, or this is how you imagine your life would be, then by all means please continue doing whatever you're doing right now. I have no objection whatsoever.

But hey, one advice: don't be like me. Where I am currently is not where I imagine my life would be. But I didn't know about it until I've delved deep into this mud called work. Now, I guess I'm stuck inside it. Only now do I know that I hate it. Heh. Reminds me of that story of the frog inside a slowly boiling water. It didn't realize it until the water is too hot that it killed it.

God, oh no I don't wanna be like that frog. But then how am I getting out of this? Or even, should I even get out of it?

Haha. Lemme ask the question: what's keeping you to stay?

The truth is bitter. The truth is, I don't know the answer to that question.

Is it for the money?

Haha. I guess. What else would be the reason?

Huh. I don't have a solid reason to leave.

Quit

Quit.

Quit.

Quit!

Ugh. I've been thinking about quitting. Not actually 'wanting' to quit...just...ugh.

Feels like I wanna stop doing this. 

Stop doing something that I don't care about.

Tell me, why the heck do we work?!

For money? Heh, I can do without much money. I wouldn't mind living in the jungle or something. Hah.

For personal development? Hell, who the hell cares about that? Well, maybe you do, but I don't. My idea of 'personal development' is way different from the job description.

Ugh. Look. Can't I just quietly do what I wanna do?

Huh. As an adult, you have much more things to take into consideration before making any decision. You can't be as spontaneous as you'd like.

So, I don't know.

I don't fishing care about this job, but I don't have a concrete reason to quit either.

I just wanna 'Screw you!'.