Berangan itu best

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Hmmm.....?

Pernah tak korang rasa...erm...


Macam korang perlukan seseorang untuk ada disamping korang?

Somehow, you just need that special someone to be by your side, whenever you fall, he or she will catch you and save you.
Oh ya kat sini maksud aku yang berlainan gender ye. Yang sama gender lain cerita.

Oh shoot. Ni semua kerja Korean drama ni. Bukan Korean drama je, Japanese drama, Malay drama, English drama, Mexican etc...etc...

Shoot. Somehow somewhere in the drama mesti ada babak where the hero/heroin is having a bad time, he/she almost break down, almost give up, already on their knees ready to let go all they ever have in their life....then suddenly the magic comes.

(dengan penuh berseri-seri, berkilau-kilau, suddenly it feels like the time has stopped)

He/she comes by your side, with a smile on his/her face. Dia hulur tangan, then he/she says.
 
"Hey, don't worry. I'm always here for you."

Oh so sweet. Siapa-siapa yang pernah tengok drama, tak kira la drama apa-apa pun, especially yang suka baca novel, mesti pernah berangan pasal babak ni kan? Ahah.

Pastu ada lagi satu babak ni. Whenever you are doing something, eating with your friends or something, then you laugh or smile happily, there's always that someone who is watching you and feels happy too, because he/she sees your smile. Your smile makes his/her day. Pastu that someone says in heart, "Wow, he/she is so beautiful. I feel so happy when I see him/her around." You maybe don't even know that he/she exists, but yeah, mesti pernah je korang berangan macamni kan?

Aww, romanticism. Shoot. Suddenly it all feels so useless. Ye lah, sebab berangan je. Ape guna berangan je, bukan bagi benefits apa-apa pun. Baik la aku pergi study KOS ke apa. Dah la esok exam ni.

Tapi tak dinafikan, aku juga pernah macam tu. Dan aku yakin, korang juga pernah macam tu. Kan, kan, kan? Haha. Kita semua manusia. Sama je. Shoot. Somehow malu pulak aku rasa. Huh. Ala rileks la kan. Standard la, kita masih dalam proses untuk matang. Aku juga manusia, seganas-ganas aku yang tak nampak macam layan jiwang ni kan. Haha.

Oh well. Berangan berangan jugak. Tapi aku tak berhenti takat berangan je. Angan-angan tu semua tidak ku anggap sebagai angan-angan, tetapi aku realisasikannya menjadi cerita. Angan-angan itu sebagai idea. Dan aku akan fikirkan idea-idea tu, gabungkan mereka, jadikan mereka lebih drastik,create watak, bagi nama, tambah drama sikit, bayangkan plot, latar tempat, latar masa, nilai tambah etc. etc....dan walla! jadilah satu cerita yang best. Cerita tu untuk aku baca je la.Kreatif what? Hehe. Ye tak? Sekurang-kurangnya boleh la jugak mengasah otak kanan kita ni. Ye lah, mana taknya, ambik course Mathematics, asyik guna otak kiri je. Kena seimbangkan jugak penggunaan otak ni. Heh.

Angan-angan to be made as stories. Hmmm, sounds quite interesting. Takde lah panggil 'angan-angan' dah lepas ni ye. Panggil idea. ;)

whattodowhenigetemotionalandidontknowwhy

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Nak tulis pasal ape ek? Tak tau nak tulis ape.
Huh. Tak tau nak tulis ape, takyah la tulis.

Pasal aku gi Shah Alam umah Falaha dua hari minggu minggu lepas, aku tak tulis pon. Huh. Penat sngat bjalan, smpai tak larat nak tulis.

Pasal aku gi talk "Let's Get Married" pon, huh. Takde 'selera' la nak tulis psl tu. Bukan talk tu tak best ke ape, but somehow aku rase pelik la, "Kenapa la aku datang talk tu in the first place...?" To my frens yg ingat aku benci sgt nak kawen, no, no. Aku tau la satu hari nnti aku akan kawen gakz, tpi buat msa skarang seriously, aku cuba nak lupekan pasal boys, love or this marriage thingy. Somehow, those three things make me feel uncomfortable. I know I need those, but let the time decide, okay?

Pasal kitorg gi makan kat Tnjung Lumpur, best. Nothing else can be said. They are happy.

Pasal minggu yg gila busy, Sabtu Ahad pon ada kelas, if not pagi, petang. If not petang, pagi. Or BOTH. Bukan kelas formal, but this PBL thingy. And lots of assignment coming in. Sampaikan Sabtu Ahad terpaksa pegi library kat Masjid negeri untk cari info pasal assignment. Buku2 kat library UIA sume dah habes dipinjam org, sebab sume org pon buat assignment yg sama. Duh.

Busy sgt, smpai mak aku telepon pon aku ckp aku tak dpt nak balik. Aduh. "Kalau Umi amik Sabtu pagi pastu balik semula Ahad pagi, blehla Tiah balik." "Takpelah macamtu, sekejap sngat." Aduh. Makinla bertambah2 rase dlm ati aku nih.

Pasal exam yg dah dekat, dgn buku Algebra yg aku tak dapat lagi. And Linear Algebra yg topic2nye bertambah2 rumit dan bertambah2 mngambil masa utk dihabis bincangkan. Dan latihan2 yg aku malas nak buat, dan provokasi mngatakan bhwa klu nak lulus exam Prof Torla, kena buat gaban latihan dalam buku. I wanna told myself, go to hell with all that I don't care, but what can I do? My mom needs the good grades. Subjects I love, I read the books to know more about them. Not 'I do the exercises'. Love Algebra, but where's the book? Love Linear Algebra, but it's very time consuming without lecturer. Love UNGS & KOS, but memorizing to pass exam? Annoying.

Or should I say, exams are annoying? Why do they create exams, to determine whether this student can get the job or not? Or to divide students into levels of their grades, good students have high status, weak students dont get all the privileges?

Skip my job as an Edu Bureau member today. Not feeling so good inside. I mean, emotionally. And I dont want to hurt anybody's feeling with my dragonally emotional lease could be. Kelas memandu pn ajar, kalau emosi tak stabil, jgn drive.

Hah, alasan. You should keep your emotion and put your rationality first! But who said that? Owh enough with that. Perempuan are created with 9 emotions, compared to lelaki which have only one (pegi talk Let's Get Married and you'll know this). But kenapa perlu sorok emosi? Ia kan telah diberi? Sape yg kata emosi perlu disorok? Siape yg kata rationality itulah raja?

Owh please (again) enough with that. Aku tau, klu nak jadi perfect, kena build your rationality and reasoning, rite? Yes, I want to be that. But please don't deny emotionality. Be perfect, rationally and emotionally.

*****

"Aku je yg kena jaga perasaan kau. Perasaan aku, sape nak jaga?"

Yes, aku tau. Heh. Mmg bnyk org prmpuan perangai dia mcm ni.But IMO, you take care of your own feelings. Klu rase org tu sakitkan hati kau, protect yourself from that. Leave each time dia nak skitkan hati kau, or run away for a moment bila dia dah sakitkan hati kau.

Kalau kau baik, kau tahan. Klu sakit hati, kau akan bgtau dia, moga2 dia faham dan berubah. Dan klu dia tak faham dan sakitkan hati kau lagi, maybe it would worth it if you leave. Tapi aku tau, korang baik.

Tapi, aku blah sebab aku nak jaga perasaan korang.

Klu aku pergi jumpa korang dgn mood yg amat bengang, tgah jumpa borak2 buat keje ke ape, dalam hati aku akan mnyumpah2 setiap perkara yg korang buat, wlupun bnda yg korang buat tu tak salah. So I better off run away and leave, sebab aku tak suka bila diri sndri mnyumpah2, dan aku tau korang sume tak suke disumpah2. Dan aku tau mnyumpah2 tu perkara tak elok, so better off I leave, drpada aku buat dosa.

Kalau tgah marah, you better off leave and cool down yourself for a moment, rite?

***

Some of the times, I get upset when me myself get so irrational and emotional. Because I know my frens need me to do work, assignment or stuff, tapi aku buat hal. I know, it breaks their hearts. I don't like it. I mean, sape yg tak mau jaga hati kawan? But the more I get upset with my own emotionality, the worse it get. Lagi susah utk aku bounce back to become normal and rational again. So how to solve this?

Here's the trick. (I'm telling this to myself). Don't deny the emotionality. Layan je dulu. Give yourself time to be on your own, with the feelings. Don't feel upset atau bersalah to your frens. Because you deserve the time to be alone. And I believe, after you've given yourself enough time (make sure it's enough), you'll be back to normal again. And you can meet your friends again, do work more efficiently etc. etc..

Therefore friends, here I need you help. To understand me when I run away from you. Just be patience, because I'll bounce back to normal after some times.

****

Out to take a little breather. To please self, and others.

stone heart

Kau sindir aku?

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Huh.

Bangun pagi, rase takde mood gile nak gi kelas minggu ni. Entah ngape.

Kelas Linear Algebra kol 8.30, naek bas pon kol 8.30. Perut dh berbunyi2, lapar.

Sampai2 je kelas, nampak Kak Syu dah ada depan whiteboard, ready nak bentang. Kelas linear Algebra kitorg takde lecture, just bincang dlm group je. PBL namenye.

Duduk letak beg dalam grup, perut lapar jgn dilupa. Cakap kat Falaha, "Weyh, laparlah. Kat CTS Lounge ada jual makanan tak?"

"Kita pun lapar jugak. Jom turun gi tengok, ada jual mknn ke tak."

Selambe je berdua gi trun cari makan. Kak Syu dah mula pembentangan. Naseb baik aku dah studi dulu bab yg kak Syu nak bntang tu.

Aku beli nasik lemak. Falaha beli air kotak je. Masuk kelas, dengar kak Syu bentang. Diorg sume dok dalam grup, aku dok blakang sket, makan nasik lemak.

Tengok2 Prof Torla masuk kelas, ronda2 tengok kitorang diskus.

Mati aku. Dah la tengah makan nasik lemak ni.
Ah, buat bodo je la. Dah tu nak suruh aku buat ape?

Aku pandang diorg yg tengah diskus2 tu. Diorg pandang aku. Falaha buat isyarat mulut, "Takpe Teha, makan je."

Aku pon makan je la. Rase mcm budak nakal plak time tu. Prof Torla mcam buat2 tak nampak je aku makan. Budak2 ni dah pelik. "Teha mcm invisible je kat situ."

Dah habis makan, prof Torla keluar kejap. Aku gi basuh tgn, pastu join dalam grup. Tgok2 prof Torla masuk balik, ronda2 kat grup kitorg.

Tetibe dia tnya, "Grup ni ada 8 org ea?"

"Eh tak, sembilan."

"Saya kira lapan je. Macam ada sorg hilang."

"Eh tak, grup kitorg mmg sembilan."

Aku dalam hati dah agak dah, dia nak sindir aku la tu. Tadi dia tak nmpak pon aku dok dlm grup tu, aku tgh makan nasik lemak kat belakang. Huh.

Pastu dia cakap kat dlm kelas, "Guys, let me tell you a story. It's about seorg pengembala lembu ni."

"Dia ada 50 ekor lembu kat ladang, pastu dia naik seekor. Pastu dia bilang lembu dia ada berapa. Bilang punya bilang, ada 49 je. Aik? Mana lagi seekor? Dia pon turun balik lembu tu, kira balik lembu dia ada berapa. kira punya kira, ada 50. So dia pon buat konklusion, baik aku jangan naik lembu, nanti aku rugi seekor. Pastu dia pon bawak balik lembu2 tu ke rumah. Last2 ondaway balik umah tu mmg dia kehilangan seekor lembu. Dia pon cerita kat isteri dia, dia hilang seekor lembu. tapi dia gembira. Dia kata, naseb baek dia tak naik atas lembu yg hilang tu. Klu tak, dengan dia2 pon hilang sekali."

Satu kelas gelak. Cess, diorg mngkin ingat cerita tu cerita lawak semata2, tpi aku somehow suspicious btol la ngn Prof Torla ni. Heh.

Dia cerita pasal aku ke? Ke aku je yg perasan? Haha, siapa makan cili, dia terasa pedasnye~

Cehhh, cakap je la aku budak nakal, makan dalam kelas. Pastu kene sindir ngn Prof Torla senyap2. Cesss. Hangin jugak aku ngn Prof Torla satu hari ni. Rasa mcm aku ni 'lembu yg hilang' tu plak dah. Aish, aku bukan lembu la! Manusia! Happy sangat ke kalu aku hilang? Ko hilang tak pe plak! Huhu.

Haha. Moral of the story is, join la studi grup korang. Adoih.