whattodowhenigetemotionalandidontknowwhy

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Nak tulis pasal ape ek? Tak tau nak tulis ape.
Huh. Tak tau nak tulis ape, takyah la tulis.

Pasal aku gi Shah Alam umah Falaha dua hari minggu minggu lepas, aku tak tulis pon. Huh. Penat sngat bjalan, smpai tak larat nak tulis.

Pasal aku gi talk "Let's Get Married" pon, huh. Takde 'selera' la nak tulis psl tu. Bukan talk tu tak best ke ape, but somehow aku rase pelik la, "Kenapa la aku datang talk tu in the first place...?" To my frens yg ingat aku benci sgt nak kawen, no, no. Aku tau la satu hari nnti aku akan kawen gakz, tpi buat msa skarang seriously, aku cuba nak lupekan pasal boys, love or this marriage thingy. Somehow, those three things make me feel uncomfortable. I know I need those, but let the time decide, okay?

Pasal kitorg gi makan kat Tnjung Lumpur, best. Nothing else can be said. They are happy.

Pasal minggu yg gila busy, Sabtu Ahad pon ada kelas, if not pagi, petang. If not petang, pagi. Or BOTH. Bukan kelas formal, but this PBL thingy. And lots of assignment coming in. Sampaikan Sabtu Ahad terpaksa pegi library kat Masjid negeri untk cari info pasal assignment. Buku2 kat library UIA sume dah habes dipinjam org, sebab sume org pon buat assignment yg sama. Duh.

Busy sgt, smpai mak aku telepon pon aku ckp aku tak dpt nak balik. Aduh. "Kalau Umi amik Sabtu pagi pastu balik semula Ahad pagi, blehla Tiah balik." "Takpelah macamtu, sekejap sngat." Aduh. Makinla bertambah2 rase dlm ati aku nih.

Pasal exam yg dah dekat, dgn buku Algebra yg aku tak dapat lagi. And Linear Algebra yg topic2nye bertambah2 rumit dan bertambah2 mngambil masa utk dihabis bincangkan. Dan latihan2 yg aku malas nak buat, dan provokasi mngatakan bhwa klu nak lulus exam Prof Torla, kena buat gaban latihan dalam buku. I wanna told myself, go to hell with all that I don't care, but what can I do? My mom needs the good grades. Subjects I love, I read the books to know more about them. Not 'I do the exercises'. Love Algebra, but where's the book? Love Linear Algebra, but it's very time consuming without lecturer. Love UNGS & KOS, but memorizing to pass exam? Annoying.

Or should I say, exams are annoying? Why do they create exams, to determine whether this student can get the job or not? Or to divide students into levels of their grades, good students have high status, weak students dont get all the privileges?

Skip my job as an Edu Bureau member today. Not feeling so good inside. I mean, emotionally. And I dont want to hurt anybody's feeling with my dragonally emotional lease could be. Kelas memandu pn ajar, kalau emosi tak stabil, jgn drive.

Hah, alasan. You should keep your emotion and put your rationality first! But who said that? Owh enough with that. Perempuan are created with 9 emotions, compared to lelaki which have only one (pegi talk Let's Get Married and you'll know this). But kenapa perlu sorok emosi? Ia kan telah diberi? Sape yg kata emosi perlu disorok? Siape yg kata rationality itulah raja?

Owh please (again) enough with that. Aku tau, klu nak jadi perfect, kena build your rationality and reasoning, rite? Yes, I want to be that. But please don't deny emotionality. Be perfect, rationally and emotionally.

*****

"Aku je yg kena jaga perasaan kau. Perasaan aku, sape nak jaga?"

Yes, aku tau. Heh. Mmg bnyk org prmpuan perangai dia mcm ni.But IMO, you take care of your own feelings. Klu rase org tu sakitkan hati kau, protect yourself from that. Leave each time dia nak skitkan hati kau, or run away for a moment bila dia dah sakitkan hati kau.

Kalau kau baik, kau tahan. Klu sakit hati, kau akan bgtau dia, moga2 dia faham dan berubah. Dan klu dia tak faham dan sakitkan hati kau lagi, maybe it would worth it if you leave. Tapi aku tau, korang baik.

Tapi, aku blah sebab aku nak jaga perasaan korang.

Klu aku pergi jumpa korang dgn mood yg amat bengang, tgah jumpa borak2 buat keje ke ape, dalam hati aku akan mnyumpah2 setiap perkara yg korang buat, wlupun bnda yg korang buat tu tak salah. So I better off run away and leave, sebab aku tak suka bila diri sndri mnyumpah2, dan aku tau korang sume tak suke disumpah2. Dan aku tau mnyumpah2 tu perkara tak elok, so better off I leave, drpada aku buat dosa.

Kalau tgah marah, you better off leave and cool down yourself for a moment, rite?

***

Some of the times, I get upset when me myself get so irrational and emotional. Because I know my frens need me to do work, assignment or stuff, tapi aku buat hal. I know, it breaks their hearts. I don't like it. I mean, sape yg tak mau jaga hati kawan? But the more I get upset with my own emotionality, the worse it get. Lagi susah utk aku bounce back to become normal and rational again. So how to solve this?

Here's the trick. (I'm telling this to myself). Don't deny the emotionality. Layan je dulu. Give yourself time to be on your own, with the feelings. Don't feel upset atau bersalah to your frens. Because you deserve the time to be alone. And I believe, after you've given yourself enough time (make sure it's enough), you'll be back to normal again. And you can meet your friends again, do work more efficiently etc. etc..

Therefore friends, here I need you help. To understand me when I run away from you. Just be patience, because I'll bounce back to normal after some times.

****

Out to take a little breather. To please self, and others.

stone heart