Awkward...relationship.

Bismillah.

So my younger brother already got a girlfriend.

...I think.

The one you phonecall when everyone else is sleeping, and talk to each other in whispers instead of normally? Those are what you called BF/GF right? Unless my understanding is wrong...

Well, at least my mom knows about it.

Also, I think my eldest brother has one too. Girlfriend. The one that you phone at night when people are sleeping.

Good for him. I...emm...let's just say I'm concerned about him ending up alone and lonely. Well I don't want to use the word 'pity'...

Honestly for me...it's kinda awkward.

I don't know. Maybe it's because of the fact that NONE of us in our family has ever been in a relationship.

...I think.

Well, of course the exception being my parents. But the point still stands. None of us siblings has had a girlfriend/boyfriend at school at uni or wherever. So that's why it's kinda awkward seeing them suddenly have one. It's a...rare view.

Rare indeed that I feel the need to distract myself  just to avoid hearing what they are talking about on the phone. I'd talk to myself, go do some work, ignore them...bla bla bla...

Really. Shows that I'm not really ready for a relationship I guess.

Or...

The fact that I show my love in a different way.

...

I DON'T KNOW!

Damn I know nothing about this relationship/feelings/emotion business.

That's why I always avoid it when people are talking on the phone with their couples. Especially the lovey dovey type. Even if it's between husband and wife. I feel like it's...a private matter. There are secrets only shared between married couples, that I shouldn't pry/eavesdrop on.

Or maybe because it's just awkward.

-Well there's a first time for everything.

I might want to be in a relationship, but I don't know if I'm being serious or I'm in it just for the experience.

...How did we end up talking about relationships again?

***

Stop telling me I'm not good enough!

Bismillah.

When I told my boss I wanted to quit, I told him my reason was because I wanted to go back to my hometown. He then proceeded to tell me on all the options available, where I don't really have to quit: I can continue working remotely, either as a part-timer or a contractor.

Heh, nope, I'm not a fan of working remotely. Especially when you still expect me to improve on my 'weaknesses'.

See, that's the real problem. I lied. I didn't want to quit to go back and spend some precious time with my family. I want to quit because of this culture in the office where they focus on improving those weaknesses you have. I'm not a fan of that. Improvements, hey, it's a good thing, but why focus on something you lack? Why not focus on improving something that you already have, like strengths?

I'm not assertive enough? I need to take on more responsibilities? I need to create my own 'recipes'? I need to plan better and have better goals? Dude, tell me something I don't know.

They wrote those in my performance review. Now I sound like I'm complaining. Hah, who cares. I'm not happy with it, so I complain. I told them that, that I'm not happy with how they do the performance review. The 'developmental areas' as they call it would always be the main focus. I mean, yeah, hey, they did write some 'strengths' in it too, like, how the colleagues like me, how I helped my colleagues...and how I do my job okay...

...BUT! Tell me, in that same performance review piece, what are your goals being based on? Yep, your goals are being set based on your WEAKNESSES. I'm not assertive enough? Your goals is to be more assertive. You also need to volunteer on more projects and thus take up more responsibilities. Heh, like you're not giving me enough work already *rolls eyes* And it doesn't help the fact that those goals were created by the boss, meanwhile the goals that you wrote for yourself were crossed out for not being 'grand' enough. Huh, then they added that I don't like getting out of my comfort zone. Yep, it's true, I don't like it. Are you gonna force it on me then? Huh.

And then those one-on-ones with the boss every two weeks, what are the main focus for that discussion? 'Developmental areas', i.e. WEAKNESSES. Ugh. Basically, what I'm saying is, dude, stop reminding me that I'm not good enough!

It's not like I'm doing a bad job at work. If I am, they would be telling me that. But no. They said that project I did was good, and they were happy with it yada yada. Then, the hell-- why do I get the impression that it's the opposite of what you said? If something is not broken, why FIX IT? It's like you're trying to fix me, thus giving me the impression that I'm broken. But you said I did a good job. But then you're telling me I'm not *insert adjectives* enough. Now you're confusing me!

Huh. I don't know, seriously. I don't know whether I don't like just this one job, or I don't like working in general. I mean, for sure other companies would have those same performance review every year, right? So there's always possibilities where we'll end up talking about my weaknesses again.

Dude, I don't understand these obsessions on weaknesses. Dude, we only have a few couple of decades left to live, why focus on the bad side of life? You only live once, right? YOLO. See good things in people. Encourage them on that, not try to put them down on something they don't have. Isn't that what we need to do to be grateful to God, by seeing the good things that we actually have, rather than focusing on what we don't?

...(◔_◔)

***

See how a 2-months break from stressful environment did to me? ...At least I'm not butching about work anymore.

Oh wait. I just did.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

New project, and food.

Bismillah.

I got a scratch, see. It's a result of playing with 2mm-steel wire. Not recommended for crafting projects that require cutting, twisting and turning it a lot. Too thick. 1.6mm might be better, softer but sturdy enough.

Was trying to spiral bind a DIY book made from boxes and brown wrapping papers, got them from my office. We ordered a 6-months supply of coffee, so we got a few boxes and wrappers to throw away. Their conditions were still good so I chose to take them home.

Heh, I can be a hoarder sometimes.

Now I'm deliberating whether to actually use this handmade book or not. Spent my precious time and effort into making it, I don't want to sully it with my meaningless writings ><

That, and also, I used those steel wires I bought to sort of make a makeshift steam rack to be used with my 16-in metal pot. We don't have a steaming pot here in our rented house, so, gotta figure out how to actually have one. Why do I need it? Well, I've been thinking of making these cuties:

Those are the dumplings that I managed to make with the makeshift steam rack I told you about. I'm satisfied, really. I even got the awesome scar on my hand that I can use to show off.

***

I told you I'm on a 2-months extended leave from work, right? I took it because my boss told me to. Why? Because I said to him that I wanted to quit, so he wanted me to take some time off.

Heh. After reading all those nasty blog posts I wrote, complaining about work, you'd think it's about time I quit, right?

...I don't know.

I mean, I know my past self(s) has been complaining and suffering because of work, but now that I'm on an awesome long leave, it doesn't feel that way anymore. Heh, I'm pretty sure that's just because it's not in front of me anymore. I mean, we tend to forget things that are already in the past, right?

Huh. I know. 'Si' (introverted sensing), dwelling in the past is not my strength. I'm so much more on the 'Se' (extroverted sensing), meaning I live in the present. But that doesn't mean the past didn't happen, right? It did, it's just that it's harder for me to actually learn from them and not to repeat them again.

*sigh* Problems always come from our own selves. 

Dude, when am I going to accept the fact that I'm IMPERFECT?

***

So with this long holiday, you've witnessed what I did with my free time. 

Some new recipes once in a while, new projects, even watching TV. Something that I don't usually do.

Oh, and I also went to places, and took selfies! ...Another thing that I don't usually do too.

Dude...so gedik. The pose was suggested by my housemates. My usual, normal, real self selfies would be full of funny expressions, photo bombs and me sticking my tongue out. Nice, polite smiles aren't something I'm comfortable with, I can try if you ask me to pose that way, but it would be a big fake picture for me. 

That picture was taken when I went to North Malaysia during the weekend, followed my housemate back to her hometown. Even went to Malaysia-Thailand borders. Had fun eating and snapping photos. Well, that's what girls like to do...right? Housemates. Called me to take photos with them, but then they complained about my pose or my expressions. Lol. I know. Girls like to look pretty, but I'd rather look fun and interesting.

Needless to say, that whole trip took about RM200+ if I remembered correctly. Transportation being the biggest culprit. Heh. Here I am, spending money that I don't really have. Well, not really, but when you're no longer working, there's no money coming in, right? So I'm just spending out of my savings basically.

But that doesn't stop me from spending it anyway. Especially on FOOD.

Dude...you can't live without food. No, seriously. Although I do worry about having to spend money (that I don't have), sometimes I really need to just eat out. Taste something new. Eating the same thing everyday can really mess up your taste buds. Lol don't believe everything I say. 

At some points during my 2-months break I just want to rebel and find something new. Be it the best nasik lemak in town, in which I haven't managed to find one, to finding some warm, homey noodle soup, or even just nasik campur with quality lauks. Or sometimes, I'm just finding excuses to get out of the house and go somewhere, ya know? Being unemployed (oops, not yet) can be quite lonely since you're not going out and meet people much. That photo above costed me RM21 at NY Steak Shack. Cool stuff, I like it once in a while.

***

Anyways, wanna know why I wanted to quit? I'll tell ya.

Stress kerja.

Bismillah.

Assalamualaikum.

Sihat?

Alhamdulillah.

Aku stress kerja.

Haha. Awal-awal post dah cakap benda tak best.

Ha'ah, stress. Malam-malam balik kerja pun still buat kerja.

Hari-hari pergi kerja bagi 100% fokus, ingat balik rumah boleh rehat la.

Tak, sambung bukak laptop, kejar produk nak tunjuk dekat bos Amsterdam. Maklumlah, time zone lain.

Kau ingat otak aku tak penat ke? Penat dow.

Kau ingat 100% fokus yang kau dah bagi kat tempat kerja tu dah cukup ke? Tak cukup dow.

Apa lagi yang dia nak dari aku ni?

Penat.

Tak puas, tak cukup rasanya masa rehat yang ada lepas balik kerja.

Lagi-lagi untuk orang yang kerja bukan dalam bidang yang dia suka.

Balik kerja, mestilah nak buat hobi yang dia suka. Tapi, kau balik kerja, ada berapa jam je lagi tinggal sebelum kau masuk tido?

Ada lah...dalam 3 jam.

Dude, aku balik kerja pukul 7, 7.30pm. Sampai rumah dalam pukul 8, solat semua bagai, pukul 9 baru boleh rest atau start hobi.

Itu pun kalau tak bawak kerja balik rumah.

Nak makan lagi. Kalau nak masak, lagi lah makan masa.

Aku buat benda semuanya take time. Makan la terutamanya, mau satu jam untuk satu meal.

Tak enjoy la kalau kau nak suruh aku makan laju. Terkejar-kejar. Makan telan je, mana nak rasa nikmat makan tu.

Kerja aku ni, macam tu lah. Buat aku rasa terkejar-kejar.

Kejarkan release date untuk product, kejar achievement/performance untuk jawab depan bos, kejar compete dengan colleagues untuk siapkan kerja paling cepat/sumbang idea paling best...

Aku rasa bodoh. Diorang (officemates) ni semua bijak-bijak. Belajar oversea, idea bagus-bagus, ilmu banyak...yang melayu pun speaking English macam air kot!

Aku siapa? Budak melayu 'domestik' (haha) yang belajar dekat Universiti Islam Antarabangsa Malaysia. Tak pernah jejak kaki ke oversea langsung. Apa sumbangan aku dalam kampeni tu?

Entah. Aku rasa aku ni expendable je rasanya.

Aku perasan, masa bos aku edar-edarkan surat tax kat semua orang, yang lain received 3 helai. Aku received 2 je.

Kenapa?

Baru aku tau, aku tak ada potongan tax, sebab gaji aku tak layak untuk tax. Orang lain ada.

Orang lain yang kena tax tu, masuk lagi lewat dari aku kot! Sama level, fresh grad. So gaji dia lagi tinggi dari aku lah?

Cumanya, iye lah, dia grad Australia nu. Buat kerja pun rajin, efisyen, mendengar cakap, sumbang idea.

Kenapa, aku buat kerja tak rajin ke? Aku tak sumbang idea ke? Aku buat kerja malam kot, kadang-kadang on weekend pun aku buat sikit. Aku datang awal, balik lewat. Aku bagi idea, tapi korang pandang muka aku terkebil-kebil macam aku cakap benda bodoh.

Kenapa, sebab aku buat kerja lembab?

Sebab aku cakap English sangkut-sangkut?

Sebab aku bagi idea entah pape?

Sebab aku bodoh?

...

Dude, aku tak bodoh. Aku ada otak. Aku boleh fikir. Kau jangan degrade aku.

Aku tak penuhi expectation kau, tak bermakna aku ni bodoh.

Maknanya, aku tak sesuai untuk penuhi apa yang kau nak.

Dude, kau nak suruh panjat pokok, jangan la expect semua orang untuk pandai panjat pokok. Dude, harimau pun kau nak expect jadi pandai panjat pokok?

Dude, aku reti bab lain, tapi tak, kau tak peduli. Kau nak semua orang ikut pandai bab bidang yang kau nak aje.

Dude, kau pernah dengar tak, tips nak jadi leader yang bagus adalah dengan pandai utilize specialties yang unique yang ada pada setiap anak buah.

Dude, aku rasa kau ingat manusia ni kilang.

Oh wait, all companies think their employees are just generic factory workers.

They forgot that we're humans! We have problems, we have personal life, personal matters, personal problems to deal with!

Kau lupa, aku juga ada kehidupan kat luar ni! Bukannya sibuk kejar kau punya achievement tu!

To hell la kau punya duit. Tak payah la offer naik gaji. Tak guna pun duit tu kalau aku tak happy.

MONEY

Bismillah.

God, look at that.

Look at that girl with her two sisters. They look happy. She brought them around, showed them the city.

God, look at them.

Look at those people playing skateboards, fist-bumping one another. They look cool. They got the freedom to be outside even after midnight, no worries.

God, look at her.

Look at her when she went back home from work, exhausted and stressed out. We knew. But now she asked me to do same thing that made her unhappy.

God, look at me.

Look at how the boss is praising me, encouraging me for my work. But my doubts grow day by day. I am not happy, even confused.

God, look at me.

Look at how I envy other people's lives, being ungrateful for what I have. Yet, I am paralyzed, unable to make the necessary changes, if any is needed.

God, look at me.

Look at how stupidly I am trying to make myself happy, hanging out with friends, playing games, eating. But this is not living. It's empty. It's fake.

God, why am I wasting my 40+ hours a week, doing something I don't care about?

MONEY???!!!

MONEY???!!!

That sh*t. That sh*t that WE ALL NEED just to survive in this world.

WHY, DO WE DIE IF WE DON'T HAVE IT???

Ugh.

I think a lot on just living under the bridge, homeless. I mean, what worse things that could've happened if I don't have money?

But then, your family needs you. You need to feed them mouths.

OH NOES THEY DON'T NEED YOU THEY NEED YOUR MONEY! THOSE DAMN GREEN RED PAPER THING YOU KEEP INSIDE YOU WALLET/PURSES...THE THICKER YOU HAVE THE BETTER...

...

See how money becomes the thing that determines your life?

Oh don't you go around telling me, 'no, I'm not driven by money'...because it's all LIES!

In the end, you work because you want money. You go around searching for better jobs, even though you already have one, because you want MORE MONEY!

But...without money, how are you gonna put food in your mouth?

...

I don't know, eat grass or something?

See. Without money, YOU DIE.

***

God...forgive me. Please.

Who am I?

Fighting for a battle.

A battle, against my own self.

Who would've thought. That I couldn't accept my past.

What is it? What about it that I want to stay away from it?

Why, oh my past self, what did you do?

You know...I did nothing.

That's the problem.

I can't accept myself. For not being someone. 

For being lost right now.

Because now, I've lost who I was before.

People said to emerge from a battle with victory, you need to lose everything first.

Well, now you're happy huh?

That I'm no longer my previous self. 

That now, I'm no one.

Who am I?

Trying so hard to make a dent in this world.

It's you, against the whole world.

It's you. Alone.

With God.