Tabahlah wahai jiwa.

Bismillah.

Allahu.

Allahu.

Dugaan. Hmm. Allah bagi.

Allahu. Tabahlah wahai jiwa.

Kenapa aku cakap tabah, bukan sabar? Sebab bagi aku, sabar adalah untuk sesuatu yang kita tahu ada penghujung. Tabah, untuk sesuatu yang kita belum pasti mana penghujungnya, atau untuk sesuatu yang memang kita dah kata pada diri, kita akan bertahan menghadapinya tanpa cuba mengubahnya.

Sebab bila aku nak mengubahnya...rasa pedih. Pikir tentang masalah ni pun dah sedih, kau ingat aku boleh maintain cool kalau aku luahkan?

Kalau fizikal, senang saja nak selesaikan. Tapi masalahnya berkaitan emosi dan perasaan.

Sedih kan?

Dah lah, aku dah pasrah.

Macam aku cakap tadi, dugaan. Tabahlah wahai jiwa.

"Fala taqullahuma uffin."

Allah. Allah. Allah. 

Tahan.

Tahan. Janganlah sekali-kali terkeluar. Allah marah.

...Allah.

Tapi sedih, tau tak.

Hmm.

Syurga bawah tapak kaki mak.

...

Bertahanlah. Bertahan. Bertahan. Ni takde apa ni. Benda kecik je.

Benda kecik je.

...

Tahan je.

Tapi pedih. Tau tak? Pedih...tau tak?

Pedih...

...tau tak?

...

Allah tau.

Mamat omputih lagi.

Bismillah.

Allahuakbar.

Allahuakbar.

Huuu...acano ni. Bakpe dia panggil lagi? Huhu.

Mamat omputih tu panggil aku interview lagi. This time I'm going to meet the Managing Director, Gert-Jan. A German? Amsterdam? Whatever.

Urgh. Why does this happen? Uh, okay, I shouldn't question it as whatever happens is as Allah's will.

Ya Allah...this is a test from You, right?

Hopefully I pass the test. Not the interview test, but Allah's test.

Ya Allah, let my tongue be clear, let my heart be calm. Show them Your power, o Allah the Almighty and Powerful. You, o Allah, surely, no doubt, You are the One who controls over them, and everyhing.

...

Ugh...I don't wanna think about what they would ask me. If I could, I just wanna say, "Talk to the hand."

Yep. I speak through my actions, not through my mouth. What, people can lie through their teeth, right?

Why would I wanna work with them? Hell, I don't know. You opened a position that fits my qualifications, so I applied. Which company is it, it doens't matter.

Ha, take that to your face. That kind of answer would surely not going to get me that job.

Ugh. Why would I want this job in the first place?! Like I said, which company I work with doesn't matter. Well, of course I wouldn't wanna work with companies dealing with bad things, but...all that matters to me right now is that my skills can be used somewhere. So I'm here, to offer you that skills I have. If you don't want it, I'll go offer my skills somewhere else. Besides, that's the basic principle of doing business, right?

Ha, again, take that to your face. Really, take it. Ughh.

"What can you contribute to the company if you are hired?"

What the...what kind of question is this. My answer would be...hello! I've already answered it in the paragraph above! I'm offering you my skills and workforce! Heh, I know that's not what you wanna hear, but, take it to your face.

"What is your vision with where the company is heading?"

Now is that question? Ughh shut up already, will you? I don't wanna talk anymore. I'm tired of talking. Ughh. Can I just zip my mouth and keep quiet? Then you'll look at me, and I'll look at you, and then you lookat the watch, then I just smile, then you ask, "So you're not answering that question?"

And I just smile again. Nope. You, STOP ASKING.

Then, you cross something on my resume, then you ask, "Do you have any question?"

That's my cue to leave.

"Yeah, I do have a question..."

What? What? I thought you said you wanna leave already??

"I'd like to know what's your vision with Malaysia. What made you interested to invest in opening a branch of Seabury in Malaysia?"

Hah, amekkau, jawab soalan aku ni. Jawab jangan tak jawab.

"Why Malaysia? Why not Singapore? Aren't you scared of the falling of Ringgit value right now? And also the problem with MAS, especially MH370 and MH17? Are there any of Malaysia airlines involved in the air cargo business? Who are your clients in Malaysia? I just wanna know your stand on this."

...Heh.

Depends on your answer. I'll nod if I'm satisfied, or I'll make a confused face if the answer is not what I'm expecting.

But, whatever. Nice to talk to you.

BYE. Hah.

Mamat omputih interview.

Bismillah.

Jumpa orang putih harini.

Huh. What's so good about them anyway?

Hah, speaking dah aku. Aduhhh...tetiba aku pun dah berjangkit dengan diorang.

Seriously, what's so good about them? Ingat orang kalau terer speaking dah boleh bangga la? Ingat diri dah lebih tinggi berbanding orang lain la?

Argh. Entah kenapa, notion tu dah melekat dengan orang yang speaking berminyak (lancar) ni. Mungkin sebab orang Amareka ni memang macam tu. Kan diorang punya culture tu very high confidence. So kita pun kaitkan bahasa diorang dengan high confidence diorang ni.

Aku, bila aku speaking, aku akan rasa mampu untuk berfikir lebih rasional. Ada artikel mana tah aku baca, memang cakap macam tu pun. Kalau bercakap dalam bahasa kedua yang bukan mother tongue kita, pemikiran kita akan jadi lebih rasional, logikal dan objective.

Huh...sebenarnya aku nak melepaskan perasaan pasal interview aku tadi. Relax je interviewnya, macam berborak. Macam mesra plak si Mike tu sengih-sengih dengar aku cerita. Tapi bila sampai bab soalan screening test yang aku tak dapat jawab tu...hah senyap kau. Kau berdua senyap. Aku pun senyap. Sebab kau suruh aku jawab soalan yang memang aku tak dapat nak jawab! Yang kau pergi tanya lagi tu buat apa, mangkok?! Haaa kan aku dah geram. Lepas tu tengok-tengok jam, buat muka bosan, minum air. Hoi kau saja nak test psychological aku ke ape haa? Aku pun dahaga gak!

Huh. Mana la aku tau apa kau nak! Tambah lagi pulak aku ni bukan ada pengalaman analyse market pon. Dah kau carik fresh grad, memang la takde pengalaman, mangkok! Haa kan da kena kali kedua. Dah aku tak tau, ajarlah! Yang kau malas sangat nak ajar tu kenapa? Macam mana nak build human capital yang boleh berkerja untuk company kau kalau kau taknak spend time on training newcomers? Kau ingat aku reti nak suruh correcting outliers and changing data semua? Mana ada lecturer ajar soh kita tukar data supaya boleh fit presentation supaya graph jadi beautiful! Arghh.

Haaa...entahlah. Aku pun dah tak tau aku nak ke tak kerja tu. Nanti kena ngadap Mike ngan Iskandar tu lagi. Pastu ofis nanti kena tukar tempat pulak. Lagi-lagi pulak tu company Amareka. Ke UK entah. Macam mana aku nak jaga Islam aku? Kerja kat UIA dulu best. Bulan puasa je ada program-program yang staf kena ikut. Kena gilir-gilir bagi tazkirah. Tempat solat, nak solat pun takdela sorang-sorang. Kerja cleaner kat UIA pun bagus. Makcik-makcik kleaner dia pagi-pagi baca matsurat, pasang Yasin kat henpon. Mengajar kat Ihsan, pagi-pagi pasang doa Dhuha. Kalau tak, memang aku tak hapal doa tu camna. Pertukaran masa kelas pulak guna surah al-'Asr. Budak-budak baik, tazkirah, nasyid...hmmm. Nak dapat semua tu dekat kampeni international? Sensorang je la aku. Rasa macam seekor biri-biri dikalangan serigala.

Argh, bukan main banyak aku buat blunder tadi. Argh, dengan strangers lagi senang la aku nak bukak pekung. Sebab diorang ni strangers! Strangers aku dah takkan jumpa lagi lepas aku cerita secret aku! Argh. Apa yang aku dah buat ni. Argh sebab ni la aku dah taknak keje tu lagi huhu.

Allahuakbar. Tak tahu lah. Aku rasa baik aku meniaga nasik lemak ke. Ada pekdahnye jugak. Hari-hari kenyang dengan nasik lemak, takyah pikir nak masak apa. Betul tak?

Phone call

Bismillah.

Oops, I did it again.

So I went, so I passed good, they said.

They called me this afternoon. 'Michael' called me. I was...unprepared.

What the hell. It felt like everything was sudden. I couldn't really understand what he was saying on the phone. Then he asked me questions.

"What interests you to work in Seabury?"

"I...uhh...I...because of the job description...uhh...wait a second...(moves to somewhere quiet) uhh...sorry, I'm nervous."

"Okay. So, why do you think you're fit for the job?"

Sh*t. This is the question that will trap me.

"Uhh...because I can work with a lot of data, and um...the job description...fits my qualification and uhh...I'm an analytical person...uhh...um."

What.

Sh*t.

How can I explain my capabilities? Kalau aku cakap gebang-gebang pun, how would you know that I'm not just all talk and no proof? How do you even measure your capabilites when you have no work experiences?

Ugh. I believe in just showing it, demonstrating it to you rather than talking about it. I fail at talking charmingly.

After believing that I was making myself to sound stupid through the phone, Michael said something about interview on next Monday. Heck, where? Am I invited or not? I don't think I got an email for that. Then he said thank you, and I thanked him back, so much, and he said "No, thank you for your time for this phone call. Okay. All the best, and have a good day."

All I can say was..."Thank you." Come on, at least say "Good day to you too."!

Argh. Sometimes I dread the fact that I can't talk like some people who can talk other's pants off. But I am what I am. My mind works brilliantly, words searched and organized into sentences...but they fail to be hatched. An analogy is like when you work hard to produce something to sell, but you couldn't market it. 

Argh. God. Then I went into the toilet and cried. God, please. I feel like I'm cursed with interviews like this. Huh. I know, I'm not well exposed with the ways of talking. If prepared, hell, so confident I seem in front. But once you ask a question that I don't expect, there, you caught me. My words would stumble right away.

And this was just the phone call, not yet the interview.

God.

Of course, all I can do is leave whatever happens to Allah. Accept whatever he gives me. And try to forget that blunder I made, and stop thinking about the interview. Just...go crash it.

Hanging out with Intuitive Extroverts.

Bismillah.

Wow. Hanging out with Intuitives. Even more so, all of them are Extroverts. (I'm an Introverted Sensor)

What the heck. I only realized it when they were chatting together happily while I stared at them, not saying anything. It's not that I don't understand what the topic was about, it's just that I feel like if I interrupted them, they would suddenly go quiet, make a confused face, give a short comment on what I've said, then continue about something else. Of course, who wouldn't feel ignored? Typical behavior of Intuitives, jumping from an idea to another, while Sensors Thinkers would like to discuss on the current idea with more understanding. 

It somehow feels like we're not on the same page. They were talking about it, what immediately popped out of my mind was the possible solutions to said topics. But if I tell them just that, it somehow wouldn't get elaborated. I would be a conversation killer, and I don't want that.

As an Introvert, of course I'm quiet if I'm not interested in the topic. Being a Sensor makes staying with Intuitives almost unbearable. Inside, I was eager to move, to play, come on, at least do something other than just talking! I was bored, for God's sake! I feel like I just wanna get up and run, just start walking to wherever my feet bring me, or go climb something or crawl or whatever. Huh. No wonder you guys didn't really agree to the idea of playing bowling. I should've known...

Well, there are parts where we are different, but there are also parts where we complement each other. So, I might as well try to tolerate with this, they are my friends. They too have to tolerate with my Se hyperactiveness and Ti quietness (but can bite!). Hanging out with Intuitives makes me appreciate my Si friends more, especially Falaha. 

Being Se does give me some advantages. That night I reminded Ama of her phone which was with Syafiq, but even Syafiq didn't remember where he put it. They started to panic, I quickly called Ama's phone. Luckily the phone did ring, and it was found in Syafiq's pocket. The next morning, I reminded Ama of her tumbler as I noticed it wasn't in her hand. She had forgotten and left it at the kiosk, so I quickly speed walked and fetched the tumbler without any question. By then I knew, if they were embracing their Intuitves moments, I can embrace my Se too. I was...somehow hoping someone would notice what I did and appreciate it but...it's okay.

No, they were not in the wrong. They were simply being Intuitives. That is their personality, that's what makes them 'them'. The same thing with me. My hyperactive Se may be annoying to some, but I'm not wrong. I'm just being who I am. The purpose of this post is to highlight that there may exist some clashes between the personalities, not to emphasize someone's weaknesses. Hell no, it's not even about weaknesses. It's the strength of Intuitives. To discuss an issue with depth and be able to branch out into various other things. Strength of Sensor is on physical things, quick reflexes and body movements.

...Huh. Okay, I think I got sensitive. I think I should rest a little, spend a few days without people. Just me and my own little world. Them Extroverts get energy by hanging out with people, but me, I need to recharge my Introverted energy alone. So...time to keep quiet.

Mengumpat, dan implikasinya

Bismillah.

Kalau suami orang datang pikat kau, tak mustahil nanti kau dah kahwin dengan dia, dia pikat perempuan lain pulak.

Sama jugak macam mengumpat. Kau mengumpat orang lain depan aku, tak mustahil nanti esok lusa kau mengumpat aku depan orang lain pulak.

Mengumpat ni bahaya kepada semua pihak. Orang yang mendengar umpatan akan berburuk sangka pada yang diumpat, orang yang diumpat akan dipinggirkan tanpa mengetahui sebabnya, dan orang yang mengumpat akan jadi orang yang tak boleh dipercayai.

Kalau tak suka, cakap depan-depan. Kalau tak nak cakap, diamlah. Kau cerita keburukan dia pada orang lain, apa faedah yang kau dapat? Apakah masalah kau dengan dia akan selesai kalau kau cerita kat orang? Kot ya pun nak cerita, cerita lah pada orang yang betul. Pada orang yang kau nak umpat tu. Sekurang-kurangnya dia dapat tahu mana salah dia. Boleh lah dia betulkan. Kalau dia buat bodoh je lepas kau tegur, itu masalah dia lah. Tanggungjawab kau dah selesai.

Ini lah yang menyebabkan aku nak lari daripada kau. Kau suka umpat orang. Dan aku rasa 'kotor' setiap kali kau mula perangai kau tu. Pot pet pasal orang ni, orang tu. Hah, nanti nama aku lah pulak yang bakal dipotpet kannya. Haa tengok, aku pun dah berburuk sangka. Ya, aku faham kalau kau geram, dia tak buat kerja ke, bagi arahan tak betul ke...aku pun geram. Tapi bila kau cerita, sebut nama dia, cakap keburukan dia...macam kau tu tak sedar yang kau pun bukannya sempurna sangat. Macam kau tak nampak keburukan yang kau sendiri pun ada. Kau tak takut ke, bila kau bukak keburukan orang lain, bukak aib orang lain, Allah akan bukak aib kau?

Ya Allah, peliharalah kami dari dibukakan aib kami. Di dunia, dan di hari pengadilan.

Ya, aku pun paham kalau kau cerita pada orang untuk hilangkan stress. Macam apa yang aku buat ni jugak. Aku stress dengan apa yang kau buat tu. Tapi ada aku sebut nama kau? Pembaca tahu ke siapa yang aku dok marahkan ni? Tak, diorang tak tahu, sebab aku tak sebut nama siapa-siapa pun. Ya, lain kali, kalau nak hilangkan tekanan perasaan, guna ton umum. Senang orang paham, oh...kau nakkan nasihat. Diorang pun boleh bagi pendapat diorang tanpa bias kepada sebelah pihak. Ni kalau kau sebut nama orang secara spesifik...aku pun dah mula buruk sangka. "Eh kau ni, kau nak hilangkan stress ke, kau nak buruk-burukkan orang tu?"

Tolonglah. Tolonglah jangan makan bangkai saudara sendiri. Ya Allah...geli tau tak!

Hubungan persahabatan/ukhuwwah tu akan lebih senang terjalin, dan lebih senang kekal lama kalau tak ada orang yang suka mengumpat. Kita akan saling berbaik sangka, dan berbaik sangka ni secara tak langsung menyebabkan:

1. Dia pun turut berbaik sangka dengan kita

2. Dia jadi termotivasi untuk jadi baik macam yang kita sangkakan

3. Kita akan saling menghargai, menyayangi, dan lebih senang untuk kita menerima keburukan/kelemahan dia

Allah.

Hmm. Aku tau, berdasarkan kemampuan aku, aku tak dapat nak tegur dia depan-depan. Tapi aku akan sentiasa memerhati. Kot-kot ada peluang yang boleh aku guna.

Allah. Manusia. Aku pun tak sempurna.