Working experiences

Bismillah.

Lately... things have been quite happening at work.

So our Big Boss came to Malaysia last week, he set up one-on-ones with whoever wanna sign up. I didn't. I have had my session with him before, though in a small group. This time it's voluntary, yet the invitation email was sent with High Importance label that a lot of people thought it was compulsory. So they ended up registering, wanting to cancel later yet can't since the session times have been booked. Well, slight drama there.

So this one girl in our girlfriends group, an intern-converted-to-permanent (I'll call her 'new girl') was one of those people, and her session was on Monday. Wednesday was townhall day so lots of people came to office, chatted with our group in the morning and from there we came to know that the new girl was stressed out from her one-on-one session that she cried because of it. She was asking something about the intern she was supervising, yet somehow the Big Boss's answer was like condemning her. I know the Big Boss can be rather 'intellectual' than emotional, so if you tried to share how you feel, he might not relate. So I didn't suspect much yet.

So afternoon came the Townhall, yada l yada corporate jargons and stuff, and all the usual push for AI. When the session wrapped up before Q&A, the Big Boss shared some anecdotes on the one-on-ones sessions he had. He mentioned someone asking advice on how to handle intern, and you know what's his answer? He said, "Why don't we ask CoPilot? (Microsoft's AI) I opened up the laptop and typed her question, then I got the answer in 5 seconds. She said wow!" 

Hearing that, I couldn't hide my disappointment. I don't know if those speakers at the front could notice, but man, I didn't hide nor control my expression. Nevermind that he was referring to our new girl friend, his answer on simply using AI felt...inhumane to me. I so disagreed with it that I had to stop myself from raising my hand and making a comment. I did rant out later, which we'll get into more details below (point 1).

Then came the Q&A, which they collected anonymously beforehand, and so the questions were read. One of the questions was "how should we handle underperformer that is causing trouble and lowering team morale, when escalation didn't work?" For this one his answer made sense, saying we're not escalating enough, then he shared the reviews they do every year to analyze such cases, and he also pointed out that the manager of the underperformer most probably an underperformer himself. I'm gonna add more on this, so this will be point 2.

So after the townhall ended we had free food for birthday celebration, while queuing our girl group met and chatted, here was where the new girl was also there and explained what exactly happened during her one-on-one session. Turned out her question was about how to handover or move to a different project when you've been handling the current project for so long now. Which the Big Boss answered maybe find a successor, which she mentioned her intern, which then ended up somehow she wasn't doing a good job supervising him if he kept coming back to her to ask questions. The new girl did shed tears when retelling the story, her issue was she felt pressured having to own the project alone, and when she tried to delegate to the intern, he'll end up coming back to her on how to do it, so might as well she just do it herself. 

We comforted her (hiding her tears from other colleagues), telling her that she was still new and that I understand her struggle to lead a project while also taking responsibility over someone else's work, balancing between giving guidance vs. trusting them to do it alone. And that her question might have been misunderstood by the Big Boss... since there was a big gap of positions between him and the new girl. At that point it got me venting on (point 1), what is his objective in setting up one-on-ones with us the lower levels, if he's not gonna relate to our daily troubles? Does he want us to come up to his level instead and think like him? And how could he answered to just use AI when the new girl was asking for advice?? Then why bother doing the one-on-one when she could've just ask CoPilot instead? Then why bother coming to office and collaborate with your colleagues when you could've just talk to AI???

At that point it was obvious that I was angry, my voice was loud and the girls said I was speaking so fast they were surprised 😂 mind you, the surrounding was full with other people waiting for the food, but thank God they were also chatting with each other so hopefully they didn't really hear what I said 🤷🏻‍♀️🫥🙊 anyways after hearing my outburst, one of the girls said she wanted to vote me as female president, or introduced me into the Women Leadership Network we have in our company. I smiled awkwardly, appreciate the thought but no thanks on the real work that will come after 😅😅

So along the chat, another girl (which was my direct report) will also have her one-on-one session with the big boss the next day, and she said she was gonna ask similar question about underperformer, since she's gonna be working with this one (working remote) guy that is well known for his underperformance that it stressed almost everyone who ever worked with him. Heck, I was also stressed, even though I've never worked with him, yet I allllllways hear about the trouble he makes to this one girl I'm close with. Remember point no. 2, the anonymous question about underperformers during townhall? Yes, I was the one who submitted the question. I admitted that to the girls, and at that point our other colleagues (including my direct boss, don't worry, he's cool) also got to know that I sent that question specifically to point out about that remote guy.

Overall, the townhall day was rather lively, with the heart-to-heart sharing within our girl group, and good snacks as well. Come Friday, I had one of my girlfriend to ask during her one-on-one session, on how to balance between asking AI for quick answers vs asking seniors who might be busy. The answer he gave made sense, then the girl I'm close with also got her session done, she said the Big Boss was pretty okay and that she got a good conversation. She's experienced so she understood the level difference and the kind of questions to ask. 

Anyway later that Friday afternoon, suddenly my boss's boss called me in. I don't have much expectations, I thought she was gonna ask me about work. My boss's boss is pretty chill too, she used to be my direct boss when I first joined the company, so I am pretty comfortable with her. So I closed the door, sat down smiling. Then she asked me, 'the question about the underperformer during townhall, was it you who ask? Can I know what's behind that?"

So I admitted, stammered a bit since I seriously didn't expect that, and I mentioned that I was referring to the remote guy. She asked what kind of complaints I'm hearing from others, so I told her. She said she heard from my direct boss that I admitted to sending that anonymous question, I said yes. I got nothing to hide, man. Then she asked if the girl who's my direct report, if she also has complaints, I said yes since she has started working on a project with that remote guy.

Turns out.......

My direct report girl asked about underperformers during her one-on-one with Big Boss (as she had rightfully mentioned during our girl chat), and now the big boss got alerted. (I guess since the same topic got brought up twice). So now Big Boss asked my boss's boss about it, and my name got mentioned!!! 🫣 That's why I got called into her office!!! Haha...turns out, Big Boss said to her, 'hmm who's this girl's supervisor? Oh it's Fate (me), maybe she's the underperforming manager who didn't do anything on another team member who's not performing, maybe that's why this girl complained to me during one-on-one'.

🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

I could only laugh, as it felt incredulous that this has come back to me in full circle!!! I was the one who brought up that (anonymous) question during townhall, I shamelessly admitted to my boss and colleagues about it. I know my direct report is going to ask about underperformers in her one-on-one session, and somehow now that Big Boss is targeting me as the underperforming manager??? I guess he didn't realize that we are a global team who work with other departments from other countries as well, he didn't realize that perhaps the underperformer may be is from different department, different country??? Somehow he set his sight on me???

Hahhhh

Incredulous

Anyways I don't really care. At that point if he wants to target me, put me on PIP (Performance Improvement Plan), if he wants to fire me, go ahead!! I'm just pointing out the truth, the pain point that has been tormenting our team for how many years now. I don't really care, I've also finding reasons to try new place after working for so long there 🤷🏻‍♀️ but I know my boss boss is trusted, she said she will clear things up with the Big Boss. Regarding the underperforming remote guy, they all know already, my boss boss shared the email she sent to the boss boss boss of the remote guy last month, so I guess now even my boss boss boss should also already know (which would be the Big Boss's direct report). But she said it's just that maybe they don't have time to action on it... 🤷🏻‍♀️

Seriously, that remote guy has been causing trouble for almost 2 years now. If we really manage to get him off by this year, I will congratulate the team and consider it a win 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyways, that's the end of the big drama last week. This week got just a small drama, team change where boss wanna put 2 people as team lead, but only one is approved at last minute. I already leaked the 2 people's name (I hope that's not considered mulut tempayan 😅 I'm just preparing the team on the change)

Now that one person didn't get to be team lead because his promotion cycle could only be next year, so it won't be fair if boss gave him people management task this year if salary won't go up. I guess that's fair, but the impact on me? Now I have one more person added as my direct report (total 4). I did got a bit of salary increase for it I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️ and I guess that shows that boss trusts me. Take that, Big Boss, still think I'm underperforming? 😏

Anyways, I know some people are looking to be promoted, they consider it as their career growth. But I'm not. I didn't ask for this position. One time I even asked boss if I could be demoted and get a lower salary instead 🤷🏻‍♀️ but no... Here I am as team lead. Lately though I've been hearing supportive words from the girls, like the one who said I should be president, and a few weeks back an ex-colleague said she would join back the company if I became manager, and then also the girl close to me said my emotional intelligence is good 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't know how true those words are, but little did they know that I do remember what they said 🙈

All these reminded me of those times when I was a VP2 of a committee during foundation year... 😶‍🌫️

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Who would've thought... With all the complains and rants about work that I've written in here, turns out I now have 11 years of working experience (7years in my current comp) 🤷🏻‍♀️

Breakup.

Bismillah.

If everyone likes you and finds you reliable, you'd think that's a good thing, right?

...

What if, as a consequence, everyone goes to you whenever they need help, until you feel torn apart and exhausted from having to give attention to all of them?

...I think I'm an ambivert. I would be nice to strangers on a good day, until that stranger no longer feel awkward with me. But at the same time, my energy drains every time I talk and smile.

How do I fix this?

How do I take a break, when everyone's depending on me?

Why are you so scared to take a break? Because you're scared you will burden our colleagues for having to take over your job?

But if you send your resignation letter now, you'll still stay until project completion. Should be no problem there, right?

Or is it because you are scared you'll be alone once you quit work? That all those people that you've help, would no longer have opportunity to reciprocate? That you wouldn't have your return of investment?

Why are you expecting something back?

No, I'm not.

I'm scared of being alone.

That mean's I'm putting work as my main identity.

I'm depending on work to give me life meaning.

That...I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Meaning, you are actually depending on something. You're not fully independent.

You gotta take back your identity.

Your freedom.

You are not your work.

You can survive any other places.

You have always been flexible. Just see how you are nice to everyone, without prejudice.

You can survive.

It's okay if you end up being a cleaner.

As long as you stay happy with yourself.

It's okay if you lose all those people from work who like to hang around with you.

That means they only hang around you because they get something from you.

Once you stop giving it to them, they stop being nice to you. 🤷

You gotta cut your losses.

Please...be nice to your own self.

What if you see your best friend suffering like you right now? What kind of advice would you give her?

I would say... take a break.

Stop thinking if your break would cause trouble to the project or the people.

You need it.

You yourself might break if you don't take this break.

You are breaking.

That's why you're reaching out like this.

If you can take it, you'd never raise this issue.

It is an issue, that's why it's appearing.

Like an illness or a disease. If you're healthy, nothing is an issue. But once you're sick, symptoms pop up. And when symptoms pop up, that's when you need to take medicine.

Even if the medicine is bitter.

Even if...quitting your job is bitter.

It's almost like breaking up from a relationship.

Admittedly, I like what I'm doing.

I'm involved with building SQL logic.

And I like the colleagues. They are nice people.

Bosses as well, they are all good people.

Yes, it's like breaking up.

You're sad that you have to end this.

Imagine those scenes in romance movies saying, "I love you, but we can't continue like this," while crying.

Yes, it feels like that.

Why can't we continue, you asked?

It's because I feel like I'm giving too much.

You might say you can change.

But for now, I just need a break.

To re-evaluate my life back.

I'm sorry.

But I need it.

I need it.

Dear God...

Hah...

Please...help me.

It will be a tearful breakup.

I will need to recognize and acknowledge that.

It's okay.

It does hurt.

You will cry.

But it's okay.

It will be okay.

At least you'll only cry once during the breakup.

Instead of crying yourself to sleep every night and in the morning before work.

 

It's okay.

It shows how passionate you are working there.

It shows how invested you are.

Which is not a bad thing.

It's okay, cry. It is a sad breakup.

It is sad.

Your heart will hurt, during the breakup process.

But only that time.

Your heart will stop hurting from the daily work itself.

Kid crying? I'm crying too.

Bismillah.

I realize I can't hang around kids.

No, I don't hate kids, I like playing with them.

But to be around them 24 hours daily...I don't think I can do it.

I would get sooo anxious and drained and jittery from being needed all the time.

And I would break down.

And I would pull away and closed my doors.

It has happened.

Kids, you can't reason with them. Nor can you just leave them to do whatever they want. They need supervision.

See, I'll get especially anxious if I'm with a kid who refuses to do what I need them to do.

If it's an adult, it's easy.

If I told you to clean up your mess and you refuse, I can just leave. Or resent you in silence. Or plot a revenge behind your back.

With kids? You can't simply leave! Who knows what kind of danger they'll get into if you leave them alone!

And you can't even hate them for their tantrums. They're kids! They don't know how to regulate emotions yet.

See, that's what happened when I was left to babysit my nephew for a day. Just one kid! The kid cried out when their parents left, refusing to follow me. What am I suppose to do?? Pull at him forcefully??

...yeah, I know. I should calm him down, pujuk him.

See? That's where the problem is.

I would myself cry if I start to pujuk him.

You know why?

Because I'd feel helpless.

Because I don't feel loved enough to love back.

I guess that's how those single mothers feel.

Or I guess, I don't have any skills in conflict management.

Everytime there's conflict with people, I clam up.

I thought everyone also feel the same way, but one day I wondered, what if everyone else is actually okay with being scolded at? With being angry with someone?

How, when you are angry at your loved ones, you still can take care of them?

Why? Why I tried to calm the crying kid, I would feel so lonely like I haven't had someone be there for me when I cry?

Wouldn't you cry, if you had so many things to do, yet your child keeps crying and wanting your attention, you feel so frustrated and exhausted that you ended up crying while carrying the child in your arms and still doing whatever chores you needed to do?

Does that mean I'm just so tired of giving the world what it's demanding from me, that I don't have any energy left to deal with a crying kid?

How do I stop being so tired?

Tired...of cooking.

Bismillah.

God...I want a break.

From life.

This recent Raya season was sooo hectic.

At least for me.

I guess because I was feeling responsible.

Like a mother feeling responsible for all the celebration going on in the house.

Well, not all.

Because my mother is already old, and not that well, so I feel like I have to rile up my siblings to help out with house chores.

And all the cooking...phew 😮‍💨

5th of April I was working, and they all went for iftar at the masjid so I didn't cook and ate whatever they brought back from there.

But 6th Apr the sahur morning, I woke up to cook sup sawi even though I was not fasting.

Then 6th April iftar, I cooked sup Thai and my sister cooked tempe goreng with sambal penyet.

That nigh we went around bazar, shopped for some fireworks and my brother's raya clothes.

7th April sahur, apparently they didn't have enough leftover rice to eat because my youngest brother ate them during midnight 😑

Went to Sunday morning market with mom.

7th April iftar, my mom cooked kengsom. My brother complained about eating weird menus 😑 Also, I cleaned the paru my mom bought at pasar pagi, cut my finger with the butcher knife 😖 damn hurt I didn't dare to open the bandage for 2 whole days!

8th April iftar, my mom cooked paru and requested me to cook kabsah rice, since she had the kabsah spice mix she bought from a while ago. At the same time, masjid was inviting people to come iftar there, they were having kabsah rice too, sponsored by some restaurant or catering or something. I had to compete apparently 😂 Even though I've never cooked kabsah before, and near iftar time the rice was almost not fully cooked, but at the end, all was well and no complaints 😌... Mom used a roundabout way to compliment me (while at the same time criticizing me, typical), saying why you're good at cooking but lazy to cook back in KL?

And, again, that older brother of mine, always had things to pick on, said he wanted to eat something he's familiar with. Bro just went blind, ignoring all my sweats and tears cooking for hours in the kitchen 🙄

9th April sahur my mom finally made singgang because that brother requested, and I woke up to cook some veggies, then went back to sleep without eating lol

9th April iftar I cooked mee lidi goreng basah, which that brother of mine complained again (!) saying why is it not the dry version. Like bro, cook yourself la! 😡 Also, I stubbed my big toe while cleaning up the house and moving furniture, it hurt like hell and was bleeding, yet no one knows because I DIDN'T TELL!

And people dare complain so much!!! GRRRRR

Then 10th April, 1st day of Raya we cooked nasi lemak, I got the sambal bilis and sambal sotong ready. My sister dared leaving the nasi uncooked and went to the mosque, like, hey! You left your responsibility to us, when we wanted to go to the mosque too!!! GRRRRR 😡

But, my sambal was so good that my brothers' wives loved it.

11th April 2nd day raya, my mom made laksa. I got so tired of cooking by now, I didn't cook anything except helping mom with cutting veggies and boiling eggs. Balik kampung balik hari, then masak nasi a bit when arrived back home, these people tumpang2 my nasi (like they don't know how to cook it on their own 🙄)

12th April 3rd day Raya, we got guests coming, stopping by our house before entering the highway back to KL. Didn't really cooked, just prepared some nasi himpit, kuah kacang, sate, serunding for them to eat.

13th April, another guest from Pekan came, ManDak. I made mee hoon sup.

14th April, another guest from Pekan, Kamil AcuDin. We made mee curry. Well, my mom made the curry, we prepared whatever else needed.

15th April. Woi, harini aku dah balik KL. Penat gila full week asyik masak aje. Naik fedup pun ada. Nasib baik sebelum balik, adik aku buat kerapu sweet sour. Tu pun aku yang goreng dulu kerapu nya.

Haaa

Nasib semua sedap

Banyak resepi refer Che Nom punya Youtube aje.

Thanks Che Nom <3

Passionate about good food

Bismillah.

Have you ever feel so strongly about something?

I guess that's what people call PASSION.

And you know what I feel strongly about? Eating GOOD FOOD.

You know what spurred me to write this post all of a sudden?

Because I was scrolling for some recipes and after a while, I felt like crying because they look sooo good and I wanna taste them all but I couldn't T_T 

That's how sad and frustrated I feel, especially if I've had that good food before. I would be haunted by how good it tasted and how I wanted to eat it more.

You might argue that I could just cook it, but it's different! I feel like whatever I cook would taste as expected. I know what I put in my cooking so I would've expected how it tastes like.

I feel like...this is an unachievable dream T_T

Unless I find a chef as my life partner ;)

Being liked, or hated.

Bismillah.

Currently, I'm sort of thinking if people like me or hate me.

It spurred after reading a Reddit post about some MBTI type (probably INFJ?) bashing his/her ISTP partner for things that they do. They said ISTPs are egocentric, not clear of their own feelings, selfish, arrogant, cold etc. etc...

Well, I am ISTP.

And it hurts reading that.

Sure you may say to just ignore what the internet said, not everything on the internet is correct.

But still, doesn't hurt if I do some self-reflection, right?

Hah, ISTP doing self-reflection. That's a good thing.

So I started thinking. Do people hate me?

I started looking around. Is there anyone around me who hates me?

I don't think so. Annoyed, maybe. Hate? So far none, unless they're being really discreet about it.

People in my office like me. At least that's what I think, so far, after coming to the office every Wednesday and greeting them, chatting with them all around. I even organized an escape room session over a weekend, some of the colleagues I went with greet me with a smile every time they see me in office. Before this, we don't even look at each other.

That's a good thing, right?

Heck, I'm also still good friend with one of my colleagues from old company, also, chatted another one in LinkedIn. So far, all good with them.

Friends from uni time. I am good friend with one. Her birthday coming soon, so gotta go order a gift for her. And also, contacted another one that I haven't been contacting since a few years, asking if free for a chitchat or coffee (unfortunately she's not free). Hmm, don't know if it's because she's uncomfortable with me, but I'm pretty sure it's just her circumstances currently.

I think I was pretty good during my uni years. During foundation years we built a good team with FRC. Then during bachelor degree years, I got pretty good with my course mates, they elected me to be asst. lead for the batch that one time. And some of the lecturers are pretty okay with me too (in particular that one Madam teaching Stats class). Erm I guess except Prof Torla? Haha. (because I didn't like his Peer/Problem-based learning style) and because I think he noticed I was silently rebelling.

Now, in my high school years...huh. I don't know what went wrong there haha.

My lower secondary school, I guess that went fine, it was filled with my efforts trying to fit in because I was in a boarding school. My parents were close i.e. they could come fetch me once in a while since the school was just 2 hours away from home. In the dormitory I know there were some people who might've disliked me because I was a prefect (hah!), but those same people, the ones who I knew talked bad about me behind my back, they were the ones who actually helped me when I had a bad fever (my family didn't even know). Shocking, isn't it? I'm not angry at them anymore. And I hope they're not angry at me too. But other than them, I think my classmates were pretty nice and okay, too.

Now, upper secondary school...I moved to a different school. More elite...I guess? Still boarding school.

And guess what, I think this was the one real time when I felt disliked.

Form4/16y.o., it went by so fast I couldn't remember much about it. What I did remember was my homeroom teacher's disappointed face seeing my AddMaths result (it was a D or something). Well, fair enough, she would be disappointed since I was in the first-rank class, where we were supposed to be geniuses and maintain our good grades.

Come second year, Form5/17y.o., there I was, still in first-rank class (but I probably ranked last in that class haha). During the first AddMaths test to check if we remember last year's topics, guess what I got?

Zero.

Yep, all questions answered wrong. And guess what face did my homeroom teacher make? Haha.

I guess since then she targeted me as a problematic student.

I think she might be an ESTJ/ISTJ/xxTJ combo which was so strict, and expect others to perform up to their standards. One time, she organized some sort of personality quiz based on colors (green, orange, blue, gold? idr), and she was so proud of those who got the same primary color as her, which was Green/Gold, which meant that they are followers of rules, systematic, orderly, intellectual thinkers etc etc. She then mentioned something about those who got Blue, that they needed to watch out or something? like it's a bad thing, because Blue represents those who are more into feelings and emotions. I was scared to admit that I got Blue as my secondary color. Well, my primary color wasn't her favourite either, Orange means I am spontaneous, fun and enjoys adventure.

There was also a time when she invited for a one-on-one session with each of us before the big exam (SPM), each of us needs to go set up appointment and meet her alone in her room. And guess what? I think I'm the only one who didn't bother, or too scared to go meet her. That's how I felt about her, my homeroom & AddMaths teacher.

Meanwhile my classmates...hah, most of them got Green/Gold as primary colors. No wonder I felt ostracized, though they might not mean it. Or did they? I did feel comfortable enough with one girl who got same primary color as me, but the rest of them...hmm. I guess our preference clashed there, rule-follower vs. rule-breaker haha.

They were the studious ones, while I was the wild one.

And I do think that most of the guys in that class might have hated me. One occasion was that we had to act out the drama script in our BM literature class, the teacher told the guys that some of them would need to redo it because their dialogues were too short. Then they protested, mentioning my character and said that I would need to redo it too because my character just kept repeating similar lines.

I guess it's fair that they protested, but to single me out from the other girls...I guess they disliked me that much.

And then the other time where the teacher (yep, same homeroom teacher) was holding a meeting for the class, sort of like to air out our disagreements about the class and stuff. And again....guess what, they singled me out. They said I was loud in class, whenever teacher asked if we understand what was being taught, I would reply yes if I understood. And they hated that. Of course, it's fair, they reasoned that they didn't understand yet, so me, answering yes to what the teacher asked, caused them to miss out on whatever's the teacher was teaching.

I think they could've just asked the teacher if they don't understand, why would they blame me for replying to what the teacher was asking?

Then, would it be better if I kept quiet, and left the teacher unanswered, facing the whole class that was so quiet?

Heck, I did have experience teaching a first-rank class during my teaching practicum, and let me tell you, it's sometimes scary that no one answered me when I asked them if they understood me or not. It made me question if I'm teaching human beings or robots.

To my defense, I don't want to leave the teacher hanging. Me, answering yes to them, at least help encourage them. Heck, that one Stats lecturer madam during my uni time would often search for my face in class, because I always answered her questions with the yesses or with confused looks. Because I think for her, I am an easy feedback. It helps her teaching as well. And the fact that she often looked for me makes me happy, like I'm wanted in the class. And I'd like to believe that she liked me as her student as well.

You know, IIRC I cried during that session, that meeting/disagreement session during high school. Because I was standing alone while everyone else was sitting, and blaming me. There was only this one guy, one guy who dared to disagree with his mates, saying that it was okay for me to keep saying my yesses to teachers, agreeing with my reasoning. But he was the only guy, and I think the other guys were glaring at him when he said that. I had a brief crush on that guy.

See, people remember how you make them feel, not what you said or what you did.

Other than my classmates, I think I fared better in the dorms. Ya know, my dorm girls were so kind and nice they appointed me to be assistant leader again...though I didn't think it carried much weight. It was just a title. Other than that, I do admit I was overall pretty weird, but I was good with them girls, happily going around visiting other rooms, being friendly with them, joining nasyeed and drama competition etc. etc. I was still wild, going alone to the city, waking up late and coming late to the surau and stuff...but I think I was pretty liked.

Though I do admit, I was immature that time,  compared to my other friends. I made a lot of mistakes, I was childish as well. But I enjoyed being childish. Being intentionally childish helped me bond closely with my late father. I don't like to lose my childishness and grow up so fast. My childhood was fun, and being an adult just sucks.

All that said, I think I'm pretty much okay. Not hated. I do hope I don't have horrendous traits that make people stay away from me. So far I'm the one who sort of stay away from people haha. Overall, other than those guys in my classroom, I don't remember times when I was singled out and attacked so brazenly haha. And I hope that time would never come again.

I guess, being smart but placed in the wrong place is worse than being average but placed with people who accept who you are. I guess, better to be the top student a low-ranked class than being the last student in top-rank class. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You are (un)intentionally gaslighting! (Also, read this if people make you feel inadequate))

Bismillah.

So I had an epiphany today, I feel compelled to write it down now even though it's 1AM in the wee morning.

So last week I went to the park alone and just, like, walked around, had lunch all by myself. Guess what people said when they knew about it?

One guy at the park greeted me and asked where are my friends. I had to lie and said they went shopping.

My housemate also asked if I went there with a friend. I said no.

My brother said it would have been much more fun if you have a partner (read: husband) so that you can go jalan-jalan wherever you want with him.

ALL of these people saying these to me, as if I can't and won't be happy if I do it alone.

As if they are trying to guilt-trip me.

As if me, feeling happy and enjoying my time, is wrong if I don't have someone else with me.

HELLO!!!

This is the definition of gaslighting! (here's from Google: manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning)

You ARE making me question if my own feelings are wrong!!!

Grrr...I'm so angry.

I can't believe that I only realize this now.

All those weird feelings in my stomach whenever people ask where are my friends and why didn't I go with them. My feelings are actually trying to tell me something.

This...gap between what I really feel (i.e.: happy), versus what they expect me to feel (i.e.: a sad, lonely loser)

And DON'T even try to tell me that maybe I'm lying to myself, that maybe deep down I am feeling lonely.

Well, SCREW you! If you ever want to tell me that, that's taking gaslighting to the next level! You are invalidating my feelings, and again, making me question my own sanity.

And even if someone is lying to themselves (I'm giving you a wide benefit of doubt here), let them be! DO NOT gaslight them! If they are indeed wrong, give good advices and let them figure out on their own! That's the purpose of giving advices, so that they can learn! Not for YOU to CONTROL what they feel and and what they think!

Dear Allah...I feel angry. Huh.

If I feel happy going around, walking in parks, who are you to say it's a sad situation?

If I feel happy going to places and eating on my own, who are you to say that it's wrong?

I will ONLY tolerate another person being there with me, IF that person can make me feel more than happy being there.

If I feel enough on my own, of course I would expect the person wanting to be with me to make me feel even better! I won't even tolerate if that person makes me feel bad when doing things I like. Then I would rather do it alone!

I am enough! I am happy for myself! All these questioning whether I don't feel lonely or that I should have someone with me is just trying to make me feel bad!

Sure, I get it, being a loner is practically bad for the society because having a partner means you will be reproducing and making babies, meaning it is good for continuation of your generation line and good for humanity's survival and all that jazz...sure! Yeah, I get it. So your gaslighting is a result of societal pressure to not be alone and  have partners and make babies.

Sure...so I have to understand where you're coming from, but you don't need to understand MY point-of view?

So you're just saying I'm wrong for going against the grain?

Heck no, YOU are wrong. I am not going against the grain. I am not against marriage. I am just making sure that the person I'll be with is going to be worth my time. If he doesn't make me happier than I currently am, then why bother picking up extra work, RIGHT?

Just like you at your job! If the extra task your boss told you to pick won't result in higher bonus or salary, then why bother picking it up? In the end you will pick it up and RESENT it, won't you?

This is not too-high standard. This is BASIC! Not just for women but for men as well!

Huh. I wish my future self will remember to come back here and read this every time she feels lonely or inadequate.

Huh, I'm so mad I only notice this happening now. Well, at least I'm glad I finally notice it, rather than let myself wallow in self-doubt.

That's one thing to be thankful about.

I'm too picky.

Bismillah.

So I am choosy.

Always have been, just started noticing it like 10 years ago, when I was trying to pick a backpack to buy. I can still remember my coursemates growing bored, waiting for me to choose what I wanted already. The problem was, I was trying to decide between 2 bags, each had features the other didn't have. 

In the end, I didn't even buy them. 

This trait of mine is even more obvious now that I'm older.

The story was, just today, I was pleasantly surprised to have found a pair of shoes that felt like mine the moment I saw it. 

I guess that's what people call as love at first sight? 

At first I saw it and thought, nice design. Nice colors. Then I tested its flexibility and it passed. Felt the material. Felt nice. The RM50 pricetag, too, was what I wouldn't mind paying. So far everything was perfect. 

Just so you know, this occasion is very rare. I am not one of those people who can straightaway buy a nice blouse or scarf or shoes whenever they see one. 

Now, moment of truth... to ask the retail assistant if my size was available. Usually shoes on sale like this will only have sizes that are either too small or too big. 

Turned out it was available. So she went and brought it to me, I tried it out in front of a mirror, and it felt like... it was mine already. Like I would wear it and use it right there and then. Everything clicks in place. Sure, there are one or two points of discomfort, but nothing untreatable if worn often. Sure, the design means it'll be hard to put on or take off quickly, but hey, it's the kind of design that I like so I'm willing to live with that. 

Well, granted that I've own a similar pair of sneakers a couple of decades back, it was one of my first shoes that I really like and stayed with me for quite a long time. I guess that's how I can recognize what I like, what I wanted in an instant, because I've had good experience in owning one similar to it. 

On the other hand, there's the purse. Actually my purpose of going out was to buy a purse, because my old one was so bad I'd be embarrassed everytime I took it out to pay for something. So I was desperate to have it replaced. 

I've been going almost everywhere, searching high and low for the perfect purse/wallet that would fulfill my very-specific-list of criterion. Yes, I even search at men's section, but their wallet designs are pretty much the same across the brands it's boring 🙄 and men's wallet only have zipper coin slots that is too small. See how specific I am?

The right height, the right thickness, the right material, the right color, the right cost, the right features... I wouldn't even tolerate some extra space or additional slots, because I wanted something simple, practical and minimalist. My old one was of the perfect size, but I can't go buy the same thing anymore because the shop closed down.

In the end, I settled for something that doesn't really 'clicks', but still fulfill some of my needs. I settled for something... less. The coin slot is what I wanted, it's a zipper, though it could be better. The size... eh, slightly bigger, not as tall as I wanted but at least it can still fit my pocket. Barely able to fit all my cards though, hopefully it won't break too soon each time I take out or push those cards back in. The material too is not of my liking, would like for something more sturdy and could withstand scratches. Oh well. But the price was okay, it was around RM50 as well.

You might ask why I didn't just buy online. I wouldn't like that, because I want to feel the material in my hand. I want to see it with my eyes, and compare it physically with my old purse. I want to see how thick it is, and whether it's bulging or not. I don't trust the measurements provided by those online

platforms, even 1cm larger could mean it wouldn't fit in my pocket.

Or maybe I'm too paranoid or exaggerating.

I guess this reflects my online dating attempts. I am really bad at texting, and it doesn't help that those men on there don't even bother writing more info about themselves on their profile. You see, over the internet I can't have a feel of what a person really like. I don't see their body language, I can't hear their tones when speaking, I can't gauge their facial expressions. 

Huh. I guess that's why I hate texting. Because it lacks all these 'sparkles' and 'decorations' that make it interesting. For me, texting is best only for exchanging information. I thought it is well known that more than half of our whole communication is through body language? 

So that's why I probably should take a break from OLD (OnLine Dating). It doesn't suit me. If I want to find a partner, maybe I need to go around finding them like I tried searching for a new wallet. Huh, and in the end, the wallet I got was only decent, but instead I found myself a perfect pair of sneakers.

Then maybe I should go around without the intention to date, because then I won't feel the urge to settle for less, like what happened with my purse hunt.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

That 18+ 'thing'

Bismillah.

So I have a confession to make.

I am a bit annoyed that no one, NO ONE ever told me anything about this one thing.

I bet no one told you too. Well, maybe just some of you.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

I'm talking about that 18+ stuff. Yes, the stuff that married people do. And no, I won't mention that word here. IYKYK.

You know, there's a LOT of things wrong with how we're taught about this thing. Or the lack of education on it.

Or maybe that's just me. Maybe your parents or someone else did tell you about it.

But not me!

I never cared about this stuff. I didn't even know what's the deal with it, and why people talk about it so much. In movies, song lyrics, jokes etc. Heck, I used to hate it. Felt disgusted by it. To the point that I don't even care about marrying, as I might kick my significant other if he ever made a move. You know how some of us were taught that this thing is bad so we should avoid it like the plague, like how there were a lot of rape cases on the news that were scary and upsetting?

Makes me wonder how my friends are all marrying and getting children, while we all got education from the same place, around the same time. Maybe I'm the only mistake?

Hah, mistake or not, I'm a late bloomer I guess.

Yes, I used to hate it. But now...*sighs and facepalms*

NO ONE told me that we have all these damned hormones that we can't control!

All of a sudden, without warning, after 30+ years of living no less, I started to get curious about it. Because my body started to feel things. Think about things. For no freaking reason.

And it is making me repeatedly bang my head on the wall! (figuratively)

Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

You know, I told you I don't want to marry. I'm fine staying single. Because I don't want to sacrifice my freedom. Because I don't want to be someone else's slave. I don't want to be bothered dealing with people's problem. I'm ok playing with kids, but I'm also fine with having no children. No need to stay awake at nights or cleaning up after their mess.

But just because of this ONE friggin' reason, it's making me waver.

That's how frustratingly uncontrollable this thing is. If it can compete with my steadfast need for personal space, then it is a problem.

Is it worth sacrificing my freedom for?

*bangs head on the wall again*

...Should I take some hormonal pills?

Seriously...this thing is what drives me to stay online on all those dating apps. Previously it was my family who forced me to, but now I'm on there on my own volition.

Driven by freaking hormones.

And damn, it's not good AT ALL.

Kids, take this as a lesson. Don't be like me.

Don't let your relationship be driven by your hormones. Because that's just a huge mistake waiting to happen.

Not that it happened to me, not yet at least, hopefully never. But you should choose your partner based on sound thinking.

I think I did good on that part hopefully. I also think it has tighten my proverbial net of criteria for potential partners. Honestly, I even de-beautify my profile just to spite my hormones. Hah. I bet if you see my profile you'd stay away from me *smirks*.

Huh.

Whatever turns out from all those apps, at least the experience helps me learn more of myself and what I want.

---

*sighs*

This is a test, for me, really.

God is giving me a test.

And I hope God helps me to be patient with it, too.

Dear God, forgive me.

And help me, please. 

***

Social tank = empty.

Bismillah.

So...it's been many months since my last post.

And guess what, Covid is still around.

Hah.

Situation isn't improving...yet. Hopefully. 

Yes, we go vaccinated, but also the virus is mutating. Not yet time for us to breathe easy, at least for another year or so.

*sigh*

And the political situation in Malaysia is going haywire. People losing hope in the current government, but honestly if you ask me, I lose hope in both sides, the government and also the opposition.

Really, who can be trusted right now? The current government stays and the situation is not improving, yet if the opposition takes over, will they rule any better?

I'm not gonna talk about politics because I don't know a dime about it. And that's not what I came here for.

I came here to rant about not being able to go outside.

Yes, seriously.

You guys may think, eh, that's not that big of an issue. That's why I didn't go out in public and talk about it in Facebook or complain all around. Instead, I came here, into this silent space. Because it's starting to feel heavy on me. 

I know, I am still lucky to have my monthly salary in full amount while working 'comfortably' from home, yes, I'm lucky in that sense. And I am thankful for it. But being cooped indoors for 2 years, doing nothing but work, work, work...I swear, now I feel like violently breaking stuff and just go crazy. 

(No wonder domestic violence cases increased during lockdowns.)

Before this, if we are stressed about work, we can find relief by going outside, spend some time in the park, meet up with friends, try out new food places, or go to the cinemas...but now? We wake up to see the same stuff every single day, eating food alone with no company, open up our laptops and work even longer hours compared to what we are used to. (Yes, this is the life of a singleton who has no kids to bother them.)

Just what can we do to stop this?

Keep calm and live on? Sure, that's the only thing we can do right now, huh?

But how the heck do I keep calm when these neurons in my brain are demanding for fresh external stimulations???

...

With days passing by, I think my social skills are going rusty.

Haa like I haven't gone through that before. I did, but that was by choice. Now...

Hah I was even planning to get to know more guys to find someone as husband material, but I guess I should throw that plan into the bin too, huh.

I tried that marriage website thingy, even paid for it. Got to know a guy, but I only got it going for like what, 3 months?

Haaa...Online dating is not for me. Even more so, messaging. Even to family members or close friends, I deliberately delay my replies if I couldn't be bothered. I much prefer meeting face-to-face. I express myself better that way. My messages are more blunt and straight to the point, while if face-to-face, my body language fills in for the lack of words I am saying.

Haa...

Right now I even wish I could go out and just sit somewhere in a crowd and just smile at random strangers. Yes, that's how totally empty my social tank is.

I want to see people.

*sigh*

*****

Haa...I'm tired of work.

(Again??)

I don't know if it's because of this lockdown, or because of the nature of the work itself.

I'm starting to feel like I will get bored of my work every 2-3 years. I remember feeling like this after the 2-years mark of my previous job, I felt like not caring about it at all and just starting to hate whatever it was.

But if I quit now...

(Haa the same, predictable question that has been asked many times on this blog)

I don't think I should quit yet. 1. The economic situation isn't good. 2. I couldn't be bothered to go for interviews, especially online interviews and not a face-to-face one. 3. Even if I manage to land a new job, I'd hate not being able to get to know my new colleagues in real life.

Honestly, I started wanting a sabbatical. Obviously, I wanted a rest.

I guess...others would feel the same, too. Just rest while letting this Covid situation solves itself. Since it's not allowing us to do what we want to do, why do we still need to do what we don't want to do i.e. work?

(Haa I think you are out of touch with reality. People work to live. People work because they need to feed themselves and their families.)

Then, if I don't work, I die?

(Not directly...if you don't work, you'd still have to do something in order to buy food for yourself, right?)

...I guess.

But I don't have to work this 8-5 office job, right?

(...Are you saying you are wiling to take on a different, possibly a more physically-gruesome job?)

...I don't know! I never tried! The only physical job I have tried before was working as a cleaner, and that was just for, like, 8 days!

Can't I try it now? Is 30+ years old too late to try on new things? Why? Why some jobs don't accept a 30+ years old as new recruits? Am I doomed, then?

*sigh*

...I don't know. God, I don't know.

I was thinking of working in a farm of some sort.

******

Dear God, I really don't know.

This Covid situation isn't pretty at all, people died here and there.

Makes you realize that life is fleeting. Anyone can be infected by the virus, and even healthy, active youngsters can die from it.

God...this is Your plan. Only You are capable of turning things back to normal. What we can do, oh dear God, is to pray to You, oh Supreme Being. We are nothing, we are helpless. Only You, oh Lord of the Worlds, are capable to do anything. Verily, we are nothing without You.

Dear God, help us.

***

Anxiety

Bismillah.

Huh. I do only come here every 3-4 months.

------

Anxiety.

Unable to breath properly.

Sure, my housemate had that before, she keeps telling me about it. She used to be anxious because of a bad situation she was in.

But what about me?

It happens too, but behind close doors. I couldn't sleep much, I couldn't eat much because of it, but I just tell people that I have a stomach ache only.

...

I've been saying this again and again. 

I feel hurt too! I can feel pain too! I have my own problems too! Just because I don't tell anyone about it...

... doesn't mean I'm living worry free.

It's just that I'm enduring it alone.

And when you've been enduring it alone long enough, you'll become bitter.

This...hateful feeling is not something I'm proud of.

Even I, myself, hate it.

I feel imperfect.

That I'm incapable of loving.

It's fine as long as I don't trouble others.

But I'm gonna be very lonely.

...Ah, this hateful feeling.

----

She's got her list of her illnesses, and she shared it with us.

How do I feel about it?

What do you think? When someone shows a list of her pain to a person who never tells others about her troubles, what do you think she's gonna feel?

The same way if you have a friend showing her travel photos, her happy family, her branded handbags and clothes...and shove them all to your face, you who are not as wealthy as her.

...Would you feel jealous?

No, not jealous. Instead, you'd be irritated. Annoyed.

Or up to a certain extent... vengeful.

She dares share it with me (it was a list of them!), hoping that I would care and feel sorry for her...

...just makes me feel resentful.

I have been enduring all these hurt and pain and fear alone, without telling you. I even decided to never let you know if I ever got admitted into a hospital because I don't want to trouble you from fussing over me. Because you'd get sick if you worry too much.

...But how dare you do this to me?

...

...Yes, I feel angry.

This freaking passive-aggressiveness, I freaking hate it.

I feel bitter, because I have to care, even though it makes me angry.

***

Here I am, staying alone in my room for the long weekend just trying to recover back from my anxiety. I had to reject my brother's request for help back in my hometown. That didn't feel good. I felt guilty for declining.

I felt guilty for saying no.

What the hell. Am I showing symptoms of being a doormat?

Being kind doesn't come easy for me, so I make a conscious effort for it. And now I'm even blaming myself for not being nice enough. For turning others down.

...Hahhh I'm tired.

What's the point.

Unpopular opinion on marriage

Bismillah.

What do I want...honestly.

Right now, there's some sort of love bug going around in our rented house. Suddenly, all of us began seeing someone.

But not all of us ended up successful.

That one housemate I'm rather close with, she met with someone else's husband. That guy told her after a month of them together.

The other housemate, she was okay with that guy, but currently he is jobless. But I guess still okay, since jobs can always be found.

The other housemate...seems to have hope. They are even in talks of marriage already. They like each other, so that's good. They met through Tinder.

Me?

Uhh...

Falaha introduced me to his husband's friend who is still single, same age, studied in UIA as well. A good guy...but I am not convinced.

It's not him...it's me. 

(Lol, typical reason for a breakup)

No, really. I am bored. I want something more. He's a normal guy, perhaps a bit shy, but otherwise nice and normal.

I guess...I am choosy.

Yes, I am. I know myself as not really wanting a lot of stuff, but once I want something, I make sure I get the best for the price I'm willing to pay. I buy something because I really want it, and I know why I bought it.

But this new 'friendship'...I don't know. Do I put in more effort to make it work? Doesn't feel like it's worth it. Do I give up then?

Or maybe...because this is not something I want. That's why I'm acting nonchalantly. But if so...then it's not good for him.

But earlier on, I already told him I don't promise anything from this acquaintance. I don't promise that this would move towards marriage. I said I'm just getting to know people to understand myself better, whether marriage is a thing for me or not.

Truth is...after knowing him, I'm becoming okay with not marrying.

Sure, I would love to have someone who takes care of me, who loves me...but am I ready to take on responsibilities, accept that person's faults and flaws, and serve him for the rest of my life?

Huh...jaga diri sendiri pun dah sedia susah. Apatah lagi jaga orang lain.

Aku rasa macam...apa gunanya kahwin kalau kita (perempuan) dapat susah? Lepas kahwin, perempuan kena kemas rumah, masak, basuh baju, layan laki, hadap perangai insan lain dalam hidup kita, dengar cakap dia, tak boleh lawan arahan suami...dalam masa yang sama juga berkerja, untuk bantu kewangan rumahtangga. Kalau sebelum berkahwin pun kita dah buat semua ni, cuma bezanya hidup single, kita cuma perlu hadap perangai diri sendiri je. Apa benda-benda lain yang kita nak buat, semua tak ada halangan. Tak perlu mintak izin sapa-sapa. Tak perlu risau ambil hati sapa-sapa. 

Aku pikir, apa lelaki boleh bagi aku? Duit? Kalau aku sendiri pun berkerja, apa guna duit yang orang lain bagi? Lelaki boleh bagi anak? Nanti yang kena tanggung bersalin 9 bulan: aku, yang tanggung sakit beranak: aku, yang jaga anak malam-malam, menyusukan anak, jaga anak sampai besar...kerja siapa? Perempuan kan? Kerja lelaki apa? Kerja je. Kalau lelaki nak complain kerja susah, hello, perempuan pun kerja susah jugak. Kenapa perempuan kena tanggung lebih banyak benda dari lelaki?

Ini aku tak paham.

Tak, aku tak cakap aku tak suka perkahwinan. Itu nabi larang. Aku masih open untuk kahwin, kalau jumpa lelaki yang betul-betul aku boleh percaya. Susah nak jumpa. Aku memilih? Yes, biar aku memilih. Sebab sekarang, yang aku nampak macam ni. Secara logiknya, antara hidup single yang ada kebebasan dan tak ada tanggungan, banding dengan hidup berumahtangga yang kau sebagai perempuan kena tanggung semua...baik aku stay single.

Takut dah tua nanti sunyi, tak ada teman? Tak ada anak untuk dijadikan harapan?

Sini aku nak tanya kau. Siapa jamin suami dan anak-anak kau akan kekal dengan kau sampai mati? Kalau diorang mati dulu sebelum kau? Akhirnya kau akan sama macam orang single jugak. Tak ada beza. Siapa yang boleh bantu kau bila dah tua nanti? Aku kurang setuju dengan orang yang nak anak sebab nanti dah tua ada orang jaga. Anak itu bukan pelaburan masa tua kau macam KWSP atau PRS (Private Retirement Scheme). Anak itu dilahirkan, dibesarkan untuk menyiapkan dia menghadapi dunia luar. Anak itu dilahirkan sebagai insan lain yang perlu dilatih untuk mampu berdiri sendiri dalam hidup dia. Kenapa kita nak ikat dia dengan kontrak yang dia perlu jadi orang suruhan kita sebab kita dah jaga dia? Yes, tanggungjawab anak adalah berbakti kepada ibu bapa. Tapi itu tak bermaksud ibu bapa perlu bergantung kepada anak.

Tak setuju? Tak apa. Siapa aku nak membebel pasal anak, sedangkan aku kahwin pun belum.

Hmm.

Yes, mungkin orang cakap cinta dan kasih sayang antara suami isteri tu best. Tapi berbaloi ke dengan kerja-kerja tambahan yang kau dapat lepas kahwin? Adakah dengan kata-kata manis dari laki kau tu dah cukup untuk bayar semua lelah yang kau dapat?

...Mungkin cukup je sebenarnya, ek? Sebab tu lebih ramai orang kahwin berbanding stay single, ek?

Entahlah. Aku...susah nak terima kata-kata manis. Orang cakap terima kasih pun, aku tak reply 'sama-sama'. Aku reply macam ni:

1)

Orang    : Terima kasih.

Aku    : Takde ape lah/ No problem.

Maksud    : Tak susah pun tolong kau. Sebab tu aku tolong. Biasanya sebab orang ni aku sayang betul, or sebab aku nak balas budi, or sebab pertolongan tu memang ringan je.

2)

Orang    : Terima kasih.

Aku    : Okay/Orait.

Maksud    : Apa yang dia mintak tolong tu susah aku nak buat. Tapi aku tolong jugak. So, reply aku pendek je sebab lebih baik kalau dia tak mintak tolong aku.

Reply nombor 2 tu banyak aku guna dalam kerja sekarang. Soalan complicated users bagi, dan bila aku jawab, aku takde rasa gembira pun bila diorang cakap terima kasih. Aku bukannya hadap sangat terima kasih diorang. Lebih baik kalau diorang tak kacau aku dengan soalan-soalan susah tu. Aku perasan, aku bukanlah orang yang perlukan penghargaan sangat. Kalau aku siapkan kerja pun, aku tak mengharap orang perasan dan ucap terima kasih pun. Kerja aku sekarang, bos aku diam relax je takde susah-susah nak puji performance aku pun. Cukup dia bayar gaji aku bulan-bulan dah. Dia tak nak bagi bonus ke, increment ke takpelah, janji dia tak kacau aku dan kerja aku pun tak banyak sampai stress. Cukuplah. Aku bukan mintak perhatian pun. Cukuplah dengan dia layan aku baik, tak menyusahkan hidup aku.

So, berdasarkan apa yang aku tulis at atas, nampaknya aku kena carik lelaki yang layan aku dengan baik, yang tak mengharapkan aku (boleh bawak diri) dan tak menyusahkan hidup aku. Partner ibarat seorang bestfriend dan housemate yang bertanggungjawab. Rumah tu kau duduk jugak kan? Kenapa aku sorang je yang kena kemas semua? Lainlah kalau kau bayar aku untuk buat semua tu.

Kalau macam tu lebih baik hire maid, kau cakap? Tapi kau tak boleh tidur/buat anak dengan maid kau.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Once upon a time I was a VP, doing free work

Bismillah.

Just finished reading my old blog from when I was a Vice President of a Committee back during my pre-Uni years = Foundation Studies. I was trying to get some inspirations...being alone in this big city away from family for a few months inluding Raya(!) because of this Coronavirus, and work is giving me more trouble than normal...feels like giving up and doubting myself if I'm really useless like there's nothing worthy in me except for the work that I do...that kind of doubt.

So after reading it, I did feel slightly better. At least that's something. I'm thankful to my old self for jotting those all experiences down so that the current me can read it. Heck...that journal of what, 1.5 years being a VP2 in FRC (Facilitator Representative Committed), it's not beautiful or full of glitters or rainbow moments that you find in fairy tales. Let me tell you what that journal was filled with. It's filled with stories of me making a fool of myself.

But in a good way.

In that journal, I read through all the experiences I was going through from the first time being asked to lead (despite not having any experiences at all), to multiple times of me trying to conduct meetings and failed (thus making a fool out of myself in front of A LOT of people), to the mistakes that I did, and the things that I should've done but didn't, the things I regretted...so many of them. And that's just within the span of 1.5 years.

Heck I don't know how it happened, but it happened.

The first point, of me being asked to be a VP. Sure, there were talks on how someone else should've taken the role, but did they then? No, I stayed as VP. Because why? Because I said I was willing to. No one else was. One thing that inspires me after reading that journal is this part: when I asked a speaker in a motivational talk 'What's your opinion on a society which assigned someone to be leader even if she doesn't have the experience, because no one else is going to be?'. And the speaker said, 'As long as she's willing to. But support from team members are really important'.

Yes, from here I now understand that I'm doing this because I'm willing to. It's of my own choice, even though I know I don't like it, and much prefer to be doing something else. But I am doing this (work) for now because I'm willing to, for reasons. But it's hard. I realized that I got a TONS of support back then. My team members were all giving me words of encouragement. But now? What team members? What support?

...I'm on my own.

Seriously, come to think of it, that VP position was given to me because no one else wanted it. And now working in IT support, I am handling Cognos system alone because no one else wants to handle it. It's an old, outdated system that is going to be out of commission soon (heck not soon enough if you ask me, if it's really soon I would be uber happy to get it out of my hand. I need to support it until next friggin year), all the other team members are on board for the new shiny stuff that is tha thing...all the Big Data and Internet of Things that supposedly in demand right now. And here I am, handling this cursed buggy system. Alone.

The second point I learned from my old journal, was that I was more brave to make a fool of myself. People back then told me to do this and that...and I did, absolutely no questions asked. I went along, thus contributed to making me look like a fool. Did I learn something from it? I don't know honestly. All I remember was feeling a bit more confident at the end of the experiences. Even now when I read it I feel like some of the requests from the people might be a bit overwhelming, but somehow the old me just say yes and did it anyway. If you ask me, I would say that old me was pretty crazy...but this current me is admittedly too much of a coward. That much I will admit.

Too scared of making a fool out of myself again now. Too scared of making mistakes, as the consequences are much more damning now that you're an adult. When that bravery used to be the thing that defined who I was before. When I looked back at those pictures, you can see the fire in my eyes, you know? Now? I don't have to look into the mirror to see that the fire was dead long ago. No wonder one of my team members before had mentioned during a reunion, that the light in my eyes was no longer there. Really, mate? Life, that's what happened.

Amusing people. That's what I did back then, when I made a fool of myself. At least they were happy. Perhaps annoyed by some of my eccentricities, but amused, for the most part. And they accepted my eccentricities. That paid it for me. Their honest smiles. Sure, those mistakes I've made will stay with me as scars, but at least I got something out of it. Being in the committee we worked our backs off days and nights ignoring studies and assignments and homework...not to mention that we all did it without being paid!...Gosh...I got a C for my Math exam because of it...(well, partly because the classes were too much early mornings and too lengthy), I didn't study enough for it and perhaps I was too tired to care, during the exam I read through the questions and answered only a few, then just said screw this I'm not doing it anymore for the rest of the paper. No, I don't regret it. It was past my limit, and I knew it.

Now I'm asking myself: what am I doing? Scrambling to please all those users on all the issues brought forth by an old system that no one else cares about. Sure, you don't care about it but there are still users using it and I need to face them alone with no help at all?! Damn customer service. That's what I've gotten myself into. Yes, for all the stress I'm facing, at least I'm getting paid for it, compared to that journal story. But I lost my light along the way. Is it worth it?

Or is this called just being adult, and I just need to go along with it?

😔

My values.

Bismillah.

Does it make sense?

...No, for me it doesn't.

Does it make sense? Kenal sebab kawan kenalkan each other, then contact through WhatsApp, tanya soalan nak berkenalan dalam sebulan gitu...lepas tu jumpa beramai-ramai makan sama-sama.

That's it. Jumpa just once.

And time-time tu jugak kawan tanya, "So...bila nak jumpa mak bapak?"

....Kepala hotak dia.

Kawan kesayangan aku ni, Tapi ada jugak yang aku marahkan dia.

"Senang buat macam tu, nanti takdelah kenal lama-lama lepas tu tak jadi."

1. Tak adil. Kau sendiri kahwin dengan kawan yang kau kenal dari kecil. Even so, at some point in the past you were still not sure if you will marry him or not. Itu kawan dari kecik tau, aku ni? Baru first time jumpa.

2. Hati budi orang ni pun aku tak tau. Apa dia suka, apa dia tak suka. What's my likes and dislikes pun dia tak tahu. Nama penuh each other pun tak tau! And you think we should already make a move for the next step in relationship? What relationship?? At this point I don't even consider him as friends! And you want me to meet his parents already? WTH??

3. Not in line with my values. Orang macam aku, if I am to adopt/accept a certain learned knowledge/facts, I need to make sure it's in line with my own logic. Example: Kalau belaja Math, belaja mesti sampai faham dalam hati, dan dengan keyakinan. Kalau takat hafal, nope, won't work. Right now, you are telling me to just go on with it without conviction. And that's against my values.

Huh...

Maybe I should just stop this. Just tell them that I can't do it. I can't do what they expected me to do. Bukan salah mamat tu pun. He didn't do anything. Kawan-kawan yang pushy tanya so what's the next plan. Although I understand their view, but that doesn't necessarily mean I agree with them. I have my own values.

Kawin tanpa kenal betul-betul? Not my style. If I'm gonna marry, better marry with conviction. Sorry friend, I hope this won't affect our friendship.

Huh...perhaps it's just me. Aku yang nak kenal-kenal dulu. Kawan dulu. Maybe diorang punya perception lain, once I agree to meeting up, that means I want to proceed with the relationship. Maybe this part is where we misunderstood each other. Maybe it's worth clearing this up between all of us.

So first, I would need to be clear with that mamat. It's not his fault, just that if he's expecting the same thing, I would have to say no. I didn't agree to this with that kind of mindset. I need to ask him first what he thinks about it, before telling him my thoughts.

Second, let my friend know that I'm not going to go through with it. Like she said, better stop now that let it continue longer than it should. Tell her I'm not in this with marriage mindset.

Third, I need to setup a game plan on my own, if I want to search for some guy friends to get to know. Maybe this friend-introduce thing won't work as effective, especially since this guy is a close friend to both of them. So I would be seen as the bad guy if I did something wrong.

And all in all, ask God for guidance.

Hmm...what kind of game plan? Tinder? Out of the question. Those matchmaking websites? Don't know how far should I trust them. But right now I'm sure, I need to do this on my own. Doing it with help from others brings too much pressure.

Relax, you're not rushing to get married. You're happy with being single right now, it's just that you're curious on whether you would want to get married or not if you know some guy friends.

We'll see.

Kena ignored.

Bismillah.

Harini aku rasa apa yang aku penah buat kat orang dulu.

Kau tau, dulu aku pernah fedup sangat dengan sorang ni, aku buat dia macam tak wujud.

Padahal aku satu dorm dengan dia. Sebelum tu aku layan, kawan ngan dia elok je. Tetiba satu hari tak ingat sebab apa, aku terus rasa fedup, then terus aku decide time2 tu jugak aku dah taknak layan dia.

Sejak dari haritu, sampailah nak SPM, memang aku buat tak nampak je. Walaupun lah setiap malam ada baca alMulk ramai2, salam2, aku salam je tak tengok muka langsung.

Aku mengaku, sangat tak matured aku buat perangai macam tu. Ignore orang tanpa bagi tau sebab.

And you know what, sekarang baru aku tau macamana rasanya bila kau di ignore orang.

Officemate aku.

Kes dia macam ni. Aku ada meeting sekali satu team, tapi dia tak join sebab jawatan dia contract je, ada certain meetings bos cakap tak payah join.

So dalam meeting yang dia tak join ni, bos cakap nanti nak buat teambuilding ramai2. Dia tak tahu, sebab dia takde dalam meeting. Aku pulak takde la bagitau dia, sebab aku tak tau dia terlibat ke tak. Logik aku macam ni: kalau dia takde dalam meeting tu, bermaksud mungkin dia tak terlibat. Kalau betul dia terlibat, maka tugas bos la kena bagitau dia.

Pastu dalam office tu kitorang borak2 la pasal teambuilding...dia tanya borak pasal apa, aku jawab la ada event tu, acuh tak acuh aku jawab sebab aku rasa serba salah yang dia tak tahu and maybe tak terlibat jugak.

Pastu next day, kitorang receive email tanya saiz t-shirt untuk teambuilding tu.
 Dan aku check, nampak nama officemate aku ada sekali. Maksudnya dia terlibat la. Makanya aku pun start tanya dia pasal teambuilding. Dia pun start jawab acuh tak acuh. Aku dah perasan dia lain macam. Seharian tu aku cuba borak ngan dia, dia buat nak tak nak je.

Aku biarkan jela over the weekend tu ingat nak bagi dia bertenang dulu, pastu Ahad tu aku mesej dia. 'Ada terasa dengan aku ke? Kalau ada, aku mintak maaf la.' Dia tak baca pun aku rasa (takde bluetick).

Okay takpe, maybe dia marah lagi. Aku biar dulu 2-3 hari. Tak, dia takde cakap apa2 pun ngan aku. Tegur pun tak, pandang pun tak. Lepas tu aku tanya dia, marah lagi ke? Dia senyum2 kelat. Aku cakap, kalau nak cakap, bagitau je la. Macam nak bagitau yang aku ni open je la kalau bila2 nak cakap ke kan.

Aku mengaku, aku ni akwkward sikit bab2 confrontation ni. Dan aku pun cuba bersangka baik yang dia pun maybe sama akwkward dengan aku. Takpelah, aku cuba yang mana mampu.

Takde pun dia cakap apa2. 2-3 hari lepas tu aku cuba la layan dia macam biasa. Aku tanya dia tapau lunch ke? Sebab sebelum2 ni selalu jugak dia ikut aku makan kat foodcourt. Ha'ah, dia kata dia dah tapau. Aku dah agak dah. 2-3 hari jugak aku tanya dia. Dia tapau je dah sekarang.

Sekarang aku pulak rasa nak marah. Eh eh lama pulak nak terasa dengan aku. Cakapnya tak jugak. Aku dah cuba approach, dia nak merajuk lama2 pulak. Huh. Serius, aku dah geram. Aku dengan dia baru kenal 9 bulan. Bagi aku, ini belum sampai tahap yang aku panggil kawan tau. Serius, aku pikir, eii...takde masa aku aku nak main pujuk2 pulak. Engko sape nak expect aku layankan rajuk ko tu? Ko sapa nak aku stroke your ego? Dah aku pikir macam2. Dia anak bongsu. Anak bongsu memang macamni eh? Keras kepala, nak orang ikut cakap dia je.

Masa aku masih kawan ngan dia dulu, dia penah cerita pasal ada sorang orang kat office ni yang dia sangat tak suka. Kita panggil dia Z. Dia cerita la yang dulu dia penah tolong Z ni buat kerja, tapi tetiba ada something wrong dalam kerja dia sendiri.  Bukan salah dia pun, tapi memang bawah tanggungjawab dia. Yang dia marah sangat dekat Z ni, dia kata Z buruk2 kan nama dia atas kesalahan tu. Aku tak tau sejauh mana kesahihan cerita ni, sebab aku dengar dari mulut dia sorang je.

Tak lama lepas aku dengar cerita tu, aku terpikir, tak mustahil untuk benda yang sama jadi kat aku. Iaitu aku sebagai Z. Sebab, apa yang aku paham dari cerita dia, Z bagitau bos dia yang officemate aku ni yang in charge kerja yang rosak haritu. Aku rasa dia sebut nama je pun, dah memang kau yang in charge, nak sebut nama sapa lagi? Dia marah sebab si Z ni tak backup dia, sedangkan dia dah tolong Z buat kerja jugak.

Aku terpikir, entah2 tak mustahil aku terbuat benda yang sama. Ye la, kalau dah orang tanya siapa in charge, aku yang lurus ni kena la jawab siapa. Nak kona kata this is team effort apa? Maybe la aku akan kata benda dah tak jangka nak jadi, bukan salah dia pun. Tapi nama dia tetap akan naik jugak. Adakah itu pun dikira betrayal??

Aku ni dah la tak ada kawan keja kat sini. Dia pulak orang lama, dah kenal ramai orang. Aku dah suspek entah2 dia cerita kat orang lain apa yang aku dah buat kat dia. Ye la, cerita pasal Z tu pun dia dah jaja kat orang. Tak mustahil dia buat benda yang sama pada aku. Aku dengan tak ada kawan nya, kau rasa ada orang nak backup ke?

...

Aku tak sangka. Aku dok pikir2 benda ni. Adakah aku patut teruskan effort untuk approach dia? Tapi aku dah start geram ni. Aku rasa tak berbaloi nak spend banyak tenaga nak layan dia. Memang berkawan dengan dia banyak benefit, aku boleh network dengan kawan2 dia, and aku boleh tanya dia gosip2 office, tapi adakah aku mau terus kawan dengan dia?

Huh...pikir banyak2 pasal benda ni membuatkan aku rasa macam aku ni psychopath. Macam aku ni orang jahat pulak. Sebab aku dah malas layan feeling dia. Lantaklah aku sorang2 takde kawan ke, kau nak ajak member2 kau pinggirkan aku ke... lantaklah. Aku taknak spend too much effort on something that's not really worth it. Entah, aku pun tak tau adakah aku akan menyesal sebab tak berbaik2 dengan dia? Adakah aku akan continue keja kat sini tanpa kawan? Adakah aku takkan dapat buat kawan baru anymore?

 ...Tak tak tak. Aku masih boleh buat kawan. Cuma perlu cuba je. Worse comes to worse, aku akan missed out of team activities je la kalau aku memang tak ada kawan. Worse comes to worse, aku boleh berenti, carik keja lain. Kan?

***

Aku dah buat apa yang termampu. Selebihnya, serah pada Tuhan.

Dear self,

Bismillah.

Dear my past self,

I bet you're not that happy to see what you've become now.

But, I bet you would not be disappointed either.

At least I have money now.

...Instead of happiness.

Lol.

Like what they say, working is better than studying. At least you get money from all the stress.

Well, you were not that happy too back then. You were saying this and that on your work life, on being lonely, on not having anything, on losing hope even.

Well, the present you isn't having any hopes either.

But at least she's not that depressed anymore.

Still not having anything that fit in what we'd call 'dream life', but still...

At least now it feels it's a little bit closer to reality than before.

Hey...look at that. I still have hopes!

- Just wait until the reality comes crashing it down like a steamroller.

...

Well, I don't know how long will this keep up.

I don't know how long will it stay this way.

I don't know...if it will go downhill from here.

At least, now...now I can breathe a bit.

Before the next storm comes.

...

Hey, past me.

Also, present me, and future me.

Do you think our life would be better in the future?

Or will we hide our sorrows, fake our smiles and be lonely till the day we die?

...I bet future me can't tell. Or else she'll be breaking the law of time travel: Not telling anyone on their future.

Lol.

 ***

How bad would the future be?

In peaceful time like this, I don't want to be swayed by its illusion.

Its illusion = it's temporary. Sooner or later, it won't be this peaceful anymore.

But it's fair.

Just as how peaceful times are temporary, so are the storms.

Those storms will pass, and peaceful times will come again.

Hey look! I have hopes again!

Lol...no.

Tengah senang, boleh la cakap macam ni.

Tengah susah, mula la rasa sempit.

***

Ya Allah, tolong...?

Protect me from losing hopes in You.

And dear future self,

Kalau kau stress-stress, kau buang aja duit tu, sedekah kat orang. Ada duit banyak-banyak pun tak guna. Ada dia buat kau bahagia?

Kalau rasa sempit, sedekah dan sedekah.

Looking forward to...

Bismillah.

"Imagine...", they said.

...Huh, my imagination is really running on empty nowadays.

I'm a realistic person, remember? Am also a pessimist, where if you combine those two, it would be enough to drive you towards depression, i.e.: what's there to hope for in life?

...Anticipating something in the future.

I still remember what my ex-boss said when I told him I'm taking leave for a holiday in Japan. He said, "Good, you have something to look forward to."

When he said that, I don't know, something sparks in me. It's one of those moments where I feel like I want to retaliate, but his point actually makes sense so I was rendered speechless. When he said that it feels like...like we need to have something to anticipate in life. If not, your life would be boring. If not, your life would be...hopeless.

What's there to be happy about living?

...

Petty things.

"I look forward to going on a holiday!" Says someone in a chirpy tone.

"I look forward to having our baby born."

"I look forward to getting enough money so that I can buy a house."

...

Sure, I got my own things that I want in the future...but future is never guaranteed right?

So what's your right to believe that whatever you're looking forward to will even occur?

...Hope?

Heh.

***

...I'm so sorry for that sad realization, I don't mean to give you depression.

Here's something for you, if you want to read.

I need proton with all this negativity.

Bismillah.

God, look what I've become.

Kau kata aku dah lain?

Kau kata aku bukan macam dulu lagi?

Kau kata aku dah tak ceria and happening macam dulu?

......

Dah tu kau nak aku jadi macam mana?

Kau rasa dengan dunia yang sunyi dan takde belas kasihan macam ni, boleh ke aku nak stay happy dan ceria sepanjang masa?

Haha...kelakarnyaa. Jangan naif sangat boleh tak. Umur aku dah nak masuk 30 tau tak. Aku dah dewasa. Aku kena jadi dewasa, kalau tak nak kena telan dengan kekejaman dunia tau tak.

Fending for myself alone in a metropolis, with no one I can lean on, while having people who depend on me...kau rasa mampu lagi ke aku act like a naive, cute, innocent little girl?

You must be kidding me.

Satu je aku nak mintak dengan kau. Jangan jadi fair-weathered friend boleh tak? Bila aku baik, comel, happy je kau nak kawan. Bila aku sedih, marah, annoying, kau nak lari?

-----

Kejam kan?

Rasa macam kejam je bila kau baca blog aku ni.

Macam mana kau tak rasa macam nak lari bila aku tulis sekejam ni kan.

...Takpe, kalau kau nak lari, lari lah.

Memang betul pun, aku sendiri akui, kejam sebenarnya apa yang aku tulis ni.

Kat blog ni je lah tempat aku cerita semua perasaan negatif aku. Takde tempat lain dah.

Dengan orang, dengan familli, dengan kawan, semua aku tak cerita. Depan diorang, face-to-face, semua aku buat relax je, senyum macam takde masalah.

Alah, korang mesti paham kan. Sebab korang pun buat macam tu. Depan orang senyum je, walaupun ada masalah.

Korang mesti paham apa aku rasa kan?

...Ke aku je yang rasa macam ni?

-----

Aku masih normal.

Aku masih berfungsi seperti seorang manusia biasa.

Seorang manusia yang mempunyai perasaan.

Aku still have fun, gelak-gelak, happy jumpa member lama...

Cuma kat blog ni je kau nampak semua negatif. Sebab blog ni tempat aku unload garbage yang aku pendam sorang-sorang.

Tu je.

Kau jumpa aku depan-depan, ajak aku lepak-lepak, have fun, aku still boleh enjoy.

Nak mintak aku tolong, or nak ceritakan masalah korang kat aku, aku still boleh jadi a good listener.

Cuma perasaan negatif aku, aku simpan sendiri dan luahkan bukan depan orang.

Macamtu lah.

Dunia sekarang kan macam tu. Rasa gembira, happy, kau boleh tunjuk depan-depan, tapi kalau negativity, sedih, marah, sila jangan tunjuk depan orang. Dunia korporat. Dunia eksekutif. Memang macam tu. "Display of emotion is frowned upon" katanya.

Lagipun kalau kau friendly, sentiasa senyum, nanti orang suka kat kau. Baru orang nak dekat dengan kau.

Bukan macam tu?

-----

I guess, bila aku tulis perasaan negatif aku online, aku rasa lebih selamat. Kenapa?

Sebab kalau online macam ni, dalam blog yang tak ada orang baca pun, tak ada lah aku expect orang akan reply anything.

Dan tak ada lah aku frust kalau orang tak faham apa yang aku cerita.

Bila kita nak cerita perasaan negatif dekat orang, tak kira lah sedih, marah, annoyed or anything, kita sedang jadi vulnerable. Kita sedang expose a side of ourselves yang kita takut orang nampak.

Cuba kau bayang, dah tengah kita vulnerable macam tu, kita cerita masalah kat orang, orang tu buat acuh tak acuh je. Attention dia tak fully 100% kat kau.

Kau rasa? Baik aku takyah cerita kat dia dah lepas ni!

Tu lah apa yang jadi kat aku. Masa dia cerita masalah dia kat aku, aku beria lah dengar sungguh-sungguh, jadi supportive. Bila masa aku pulak cerita masalah aku kat dia, dia buat dek, pastu dia pergi pusing cerita pasal diri dia pulak.

...Tu lah, sesetengah orang yang banyak cakap ni tak semestinya pendengar yang baik.

Lagi satu, bila aku lepaskan perasaan dalam blog yang sunyi ni, tak ada lah orang yang akan retaliate, or cakap aku salah, or cakap 'aku tak patut rasa macam tu'.

Masalah sesetengah orang ni kan, bila kita cerita masalah or perasaan kita pada dia, dia balas balik seolah-olah kita tak patut rasa macam tu. Macam kita salah sebab rasa macam tu.

Perasaan is just that, perasaan. Kita rasa sesuatu dalam hati tu, bukannya kita boleh control. So, jangan la bila orang cerita masalah kat kau, kau cakap kat orang tu, 'kau tak patut rasa macam tu'. Perasaan tu muncul tanpa diminta. Rasa tu setakat rasa, bukannya jadi sesuatu pun. Orang tu cerita kat kau sebab nak kongsi rasa kurang selesa dia tu. Lepas dia cerita, nanti hilang lah perasaan tu, lega lah dia. Kenapa pulak kau nak cakap dia tak patut rasa macam tu?

Contoh paling cliche la aku bagi kat korang. Ada orang terjatuh cinta dekat laki/bini orang. Orang tu cerita kat kau, pastu kau kata 'Kau tak patut ada perasaan tu'.

Meh sini aku cakap semula. Perasaan tu tak boleh dikawal. Apa yang dia rasa tak salah. Tau tak apa yang salah? Kalau dia jatuh cinta, lepas tu dia pergi ngorat or pergi menggedik dengan laki/bini orang tu. Itu yang salah.

Perasaan tak salah. Perbuatan/action yang salah. Perasaan tak boleh dikawal. Tapi perbuatan or action kita boleh dikawal.

Tapi kalau kau rasa perasaan tu dah nak hilang kawalan, kau jangan la layankan dia. Kau jangan dok pikir-pikirkan dia. Yes, kau akui perasaan tu ada. Kau jangan deny. Lagi kau deny, nanti perasaan kau tu akan memberontak. Instead, kau ignore je. Betul, kau jatuh cinta kat laki/bini orang. Rasa suka tu tak salah. Tapi jangan suka sangat sampai kau pergi buat benda yang tak sepatutnya. Cuba sibukkan diri buat benda lain, sampailah kau boleh lupakan perasaan tu.

Arasso? 😏