Work.

Bismillah.

I would say that I'm afraid to say this, but I would still say it.

I don't wanna work.

Please.

I just wanna stay in, doing things I want.

I don't wanna meet my boss, my colleagues.

I don't want that dual-monitor and that Dell CPU anymore.

I don't want to be bothered by the AMS team, doing this and that for them.

I don't want to just be doing this for money. Hell, if I am, then I'm just the same like everyone else.

Urgh, screw work! SCREW WORK!

...

Why am I afraid to tell you this?

Because I don't have a backup plan. I don't know what I wanna do if I quit my job. I just...

I just don't wanna be bothered.

...

Urgh, I'm on leave, AM I NOT?!

Then why the hell are you disturbing me??

And why the hell am I worried on my job??

ARGGHH!

...

It's that time of the month. I just get pissed off, having no motivation to want to do anything.

I feel like I wanted to punch the walls, but that would only hurt my hands.

Shouting out of the window, neighbors would be scared and call the police.

Bang something in my room, my stuff would be broken and my room would turn into a mess, and I'm the one who would have to clean it up later.

Ugh, my heart says to let it out, but my brain rationalizes.

In the end, what can I do about it?

...

Pray.

Don't just hope it would be answered, believe it would.

Because God is Almighty. Because God can do anything. That's why it's going to be okay.

Cherished

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

It's amazing how spending time with precious old friends leaves various feelings in your heart.

You didn't even talk much. You just listened. And how that affected their feelings, and yours. 

They were eager to do so, and you were there, attentive. Even if they told you to talk, you would stumble, say a few words, then go quiet again. 

...Your story becomes a secret. 

It's not that I don't want to tell it to them, it's the feeling of happiness when someone ask you on how your life has been. The feeling of touched when someone cares to listen to your story. The feeling that someone is interested,  but wouldn't judged you on whatever you told them on what you've done.

I know how to do that. I know how to make them feel appreciated when talking. 

But I don't trust them to do so to me. My life story isn't as interesting. 

It's shallow. Bland. Boring. You could've listen to a better story than that. 

So I'll make them happy by listening. And when they're happy, I'm satisfied. 

**********

I don't wanna leave. 

If I leave, we won't be able to see each other again.

Maybe we can, later, but right then they were in front of me. If I leave, I'd be alone again.

As I've always been. 

... I should be fine. 

Placed in a new place.

Bismillah.

Allahuakbar.

Allah letakkan aku di tempat baru.

Aku dapat kerja.

Aku tak sangka yang aku boleh dapat kerja.

Lepas habes belajar tahun lepas, I was stuck in a rut. You know, that quarterlife crisis?

Haha.

Argh, senang cerita, I was in a depression. For 6 month or something.

How did that depression happened, you ask? Heh, kau bayangkan, kau dok terperap kat rumah, kawan tak ramai, it's like your social life just got cut. You are now seekor katak bawah tempurung.

You know, being the only katak bawah tempurung is pretty lonely. You read through FB just to make yourself feel like you're still in the circle.

Huh. An illusion like you're socializing, when it's only one-sided. Macam bercakap dengan tembok. Tembok mana boleh reply to anything you said. Lainlah kalau ada orang di sebalik tembok tu. Dengar lah jugak suara yang membalas. Atau mungkin hantu. Haha.

Then, as usual, dah habis belajar mestilah mau carik kerja. Apply sana sini, satu pun tak dibalas. Your family will start questioning (and nagging) too. Haa...masa ni lah you'll start questioning yourself. Aku ni teruk sangat ke sampai tak ada sapa-sapa nak ambik aku kerja? Now here...is the time where your confidence starts to crumble. You'll feel so bad, it's basically depression. Lel, self prescription. Heh, aku yang memang tak ada confidence pun ni...bayangkanlah how deep I fell down into the well that time.

Having no outside input, having a closed view on the world, desperately trying to be accepted into the corporate world...God, I was desperate but yet I was paralyzed with imaginary fears! I didn't talk to people, I was scared! I smiled at them, secretly wanting them to just reach out to me...but...

Huh. Sekarang baru aku paham lagu-lagu Jepun yang layan feeling tu. Haha.

Sept 2014 I worked as a replacement teacher at my own brother's secondary school. Heh. Sekolah budak nakal. For the first week I had this frown on my face every day after getting off from work. I cried once. Heh. Guess what? I worked there only for 2 weeks. Lol. Because I registered late, I came in at the end of 3-months period that teacher I was replacing took her leave.

Somewhere in Jan 2015 I got an invitation for an interview from the government. It was from Jabatan Perangkaan, for a job position that would fit SPM leavers more than graduates. But hell, I (stupidly) applied for it so they called me. Kerja macam budak bancian tu la. Datang interview lambat sebab carik parking. Masuk-masuk tengok aku sorang je tengah hari tu. Kejadah. Anxious la aku. Masuk bilik  interview je terus aku nangis. For the whole interview. And another half an hour in the car after the interview.

Yeah, yeah you can laugh, that's perfectly fine. I know it's pretty unreasonable for what I did there, but I want to emphasize my situation back then. I spent most of the time inside the house for...hmm almost 8 months? Like I said, I cut off my own social life. And when the time comes for me to meet people and to impress them, you think I can do it? Damn, of course I couldn't. Macam you learnt a skill, Photoshop, playing guitar or something, but then you stopped doing it for a year. Of course you would stumble if one day you need to do that again.

Then in Feb 2015 I decided to just damn, hell with it. I'm gonna apply for a job as a cleaner at UIA. Damn yes I did. And I was happy to try it out. I went to meet the supervisor with a conviction that I meet her because I want to. Not because of someone else. And I happily worked there, being friends with the makciks, they were so nice, the job was so simple, not stressing at all...but then, I worked only for only 8 days.

WTH. Actually now I'm questioning myself...WHY? Haha.

If I liked the job so much, then why did I quit? Hah. Yep, I guess I'm stupid. I quit because I allegedly wanted to continue my study into master level. I was kidding myself back then. I was spending too much time looking at students and dreaming of how their life is much more fun and much less responsibility. Heh. Kerja nak lari je aku ni. I wanted to still be a student. I was unable to move on.

So I dealt with all the forms, paid the processing fees, met the lecturer, spent some time at the master students' room, reading notes bla bla bla...tak sampai 2 bulan pun. I quit, again. Say whatever you want, I don't wanna do that anymore. Maybe I will continue my studies into masters degree, but maybe not now.

I was feeling a bit better by then, having a job of my own choice. I guess you can say that it was the first step of me trying to get out of my depression. After that, in Jun 2015, a year after I finished my studies, I got a temp job with the government at Putrajaya. Lol. Who would've thought...now that I think about it, actually I was lucky to have experiences to work there. At Putrajaya, with the Ministry of Science man! Heh. Aku nak tunggu Bajet 2016 tu keluar nanti. Ada ke tak input yang aku sediakan untuk department aku. Haha.

Working at Putrajaya, you can say that was the bottleneck of the rut I was staying in. I needed to get out of the bottle, so being able to move to Putrajaya can be considered as an effort to do just that. Yep, it was damn hard I was stuggling in a battle that no one can see. And still, the scars from the battle are paralyzing me sometimes. But hey, at least this is a new beginning, right?

Who said it was easy trying to start a new life? I was alone there. Heh. I thought I was strong, but inside I desperately crying for a partner. I tried to be strong, stiffen up my upper lips, but heh, who am I kidding? I don't wanna hide my feelings. If I'm lonely, then I'm lonely. If I don't have lots of friends, if I'm not so friendly, if I don't know how to maintain a friendship for long, then, hell, let it be. I am an imperfect human being. I make mistakes. I can't please everyone. You're gonna get hurt by me. You're gonna hate me. If you do, if you can't accept me for who I am, well, yeah it hurts, it will make me sad. But what can I do? What happens, happens. It's who I am. You can hate me for what I do, but it's my life I'm living, not yours.

That job at Putrajaya was only for 2 and a half months. Well, one more week and it'll be 3 months. The contract period was supposed to be 3 months actually, but it didn't really matter so I can quit whenever I want. Many thanks to God, He sent me to be with good people there. They are very accepting. Lots of things I should be grateful from that job. But then...

I decided to just try again. Try again, applying for jobs. Have been receiving emails from JobStreet on the matching jobs description, and one day I just noticed this one post looking for a data analyst. Hmm interesting. Without thinking of anything, I decided to just apply for it. At first of course I was scared, I had doubts, should I really apply for this...? Then I thought, hell, kalau previous applications returned nothing, then it is probable that I won't be receiving any reply from this one too. Heh, kalau tak dapat reply lagi bagus,I wouldn't have to worry about anything.

Then...oh my Allah, an email came in, inviting me for a screening test. My jaw dropped. How did I...? Why...what...I...I couldn't say anything. Speechless. Huh. Okay, relax...it's just a screening test. Screening test is fine, because it was just a test. You don't have to meet people. You'll just have to fce the paper with your pen. That's it. So I was happy. Then...

After a few days, someone named Mike called me to say that I was invited for the first interview and that I passed the test. Wh-wh-wha--(The hell, I don't know what to say, I was anxious, felt like I've met a wall, why did you call me why do I need to talk why are you asking me question why is this so sudden aaarrrgggggghhhhhh!!!) Seriously. If I was to rate how I answered the phone call, I'd say 3 out of 10. It's not 0 just because I was still able to talk and I was at least talking in English. The rest of it...just mumbles, stutters, uh ah err...

Stress tau tak. Like I said, aku bukan pandai charm orang dengan perkataan aku.

So...I seriously don't know how I passed the first and the second (final) interview. How I felt like I could burst into tears just before I walked into the interview room, but suddenly that feeling just disappeared and I was talking smoothly. I mean, it went okay, I'd give it 6.5 out of 10. But really. It went okay. I said it went okay, because I didn't cry. God, that was a miracle, you know! It was a big step trying to get out of my depression!

But really. I was having doubts after the final interview. Syarikat baru nak bukak kat Malaysia. Colleagues pulak semua non muslim. Everyday kena speaking. Macam mana, mampu ke aku jaga Islam aku? Aku pun doa, ya Allah, kalau Kau bagi aku kerja ni, maka aku berserah, sebab itu yang Kau bagi aku. Itu yang Kau aturkan untuk aku. Tapi kalau kerja ni tak elok, maka aku juga serah pada Kau. Kau tau mana yang terbaik untuk aku. Dapat atau tak dapat, Allah juga yang pegang semua kuasa.

Dan Allah aturkan...untuk aku dapat kerja tu. Sekarang, dah sebulan aku kerja kat sini. Heh. Baru sebulan. Dugaan memang ada, tapi mampu aku katakan yang mula kerja ni tak terasa beban sangat. Heh. Masa mula-mula start kerja tu aku nangis, tapi bukan sebab kerja. Tapi sebab stress pindah rumah, buat kerja bodoh angkat barang sorang-sorang dari Putrajaya ke KL naik train. Tolong lah argh aku menyusahkan diri sendiri betul. Aku stress dalam 3 minggu jugak lah, tapi stress tu bukan sebab kerja.

Hmm. Kerja tu nampak agak demanding jugak, tapi it still gives some leeway, it still gives you time and space for you to learn. Bila aku pikir balik, sungguh ke Allah nak aku kerja ni? Bayangkanlah, masa interview tu aku cakap relax je, selamba je speaking. Sedangkan aku expect aku akan menggelabah, stutter, nervous, aku expect aku akan nangis...but I didn't. Seriously, I think Allah was really helping me to go through it smoothly. 

So far, I'm happy to see lots of numbers instead of text. Well, bila time dia suruh buat research dan baca pasal industry news tu aku tak berapa suka la. And the manager might be a demanding person with lots of expectations (urgh!), but so far it's okay. Colleagues from Amsterdam pun seem okay...hmm. Tak berani nak cakap banyak, sebab baru sebulan aku kerja sini. Heh. But you'll never know, right? Entah-entah lagi 2-3 bulan aku dah start benci. Haha. We'll see. Kalau aku dah benci nanti, aku tulis lagi kat sini ea? Haha.

Kau tak tau.

Allah.

Aku rasa kalau aku mula menulis pasal benda ni, aku akan menangis.

Haha.

Sabtu, 12 Sept, went shopping at Alamanda alone, searching for new blouse, pants and jacket for my new job. Met Syafiq, and he asked, "Sorang je? Kenapa tak ajak Ama ke, Falaha ke?" ...What. Should I trouble them to come far away to Putrajaya? You're kidding me, right? I've learned that your friends wouldn't always be available for you all the time. They are another human being, not the extension of yourself. They have their own circle of family and friends that you don't know about. You're not the only person in their life. Besides, what's wrong with going out alone?

Got home after shopping, noticed there were lots of defects in the clothes I just bought. What the heck. Well, padanlah dengan harga dia yang murah.

Ahad, 13 Sept, jerebu makin teruk. Was thinking maybe I should go back to Alamanda to exchange the defective products I just bought, but...meh. I shouldn't go out in a weather like this. Was thinking maybe I should start transfering my stuff to Bangsar, but...meh again.

Isnin, 14 Sept. Aku mula kerja baru kat syarikat swasta yang headquartersnya di UK. Colleagues kebanyakan non muslim, sorang orang Australia, 1 cina, 2 india, 1 melayu. Note that I said 'melayu', and not muslim. But Allah knows better.

Lepas tu, aku dan sorang lagi muslimah UM jadi newcomers, dan sorang lagi chinese guy, studied in US. And masa tu ada pulak 3 orang Amsterdam yang datang Malaysia untuk melawat KL punya branch. So imagine how the non muslims become the majority in my new workplace.

The first day...damn, full of briefing, lots of info. We only stopped for lunch and pray. Then, on to more talks. Aku bukannya paham sangat apa yang diorang cakap tu. Sorang banyak mumbles, sorang cakap laju, sorang lagi macam nak taknak buka mulut je. Huhu. After the day was over, they brought us to dine at Central Market, along with those 3 Amsterdam guys until 9.30. Luckily we didn't have to pay for our food. What the hell. The first day of work was already full to the brim.

Selasa, 15 Sept, second day of work. We had to come to office at 8 am, as we would be going for a port visit at Port Klang. I was excited for the visit, but the awkwardness from being a newcomer was there. The visit was very interactive, I was grateful that I could stay away from more briefings, but I wasn't able to enjoy it to the fullest. We got back to the office at 3pm, I went to pray with the UM girl, then we had one more session of briefing before we got back home after 5. I was so stressed, thinking on the expectation being put on me to really know my work scope in just a few weeks, and also thinking about how the heck am I going to transfer my things from Putrajaya to Bangsar. Cried a lot, I did that night.

Rabu, 16 Sept. Hari Malaysia. Thank God, I need this holiday. But I was thinking maybe I should start packing my stuff to move into my new rented room in Bangsar. I messaged the old renter, she didn't replied until it got late. But I decided to just go with it, so after Maghrib prayer, I waited for the bus to come. Met an uncle whom I thought was a Bangla  (because there's a lot of them from where I rented), but instead he's just a mami from Penang, coming to Putrajaya for a meeting with all rice association from other states. He chatted a lot, we got onto the same bus to Putrajaya Sentral and there, he gave me his name card and some jeruk for free.

At 9.30pm I got onto ERL Transit to KL Sentral, and then to LRT Universiti. It was already 10 by then. Sent my luggage up into my new room, got down again to get the keys from the head of the house, waited for her for 20 minutes after her calls didn't reach her, took the keys from her after I found her at some cafe (curses, she innocently said there's no network coverage, even though I already told her I was coming), went unloading the stuff from my luggage into my new room, went back to KL Sentral and on the KL Transit on 11pm, got to Putrajaya Sentral at 11.30...waited for a bus to get back to my flat, got on that on 12am...PHEW. I can't even say anything.

Khamis 17 Sept, more damn briefing. Luckily there's a session that was more hands on, and that got me a bit excited. Went lunch at an Indian veggie restaurant...hmmm new experience. I don't really eat Indian food, I like Chinese ones more. Got back at 8pm, but went lepaking with UM girl at Secret Recipe. Chatted with her, window shopping some more, and got back to Putrajaya Sentral at 10 something. Walked from Sentral to my flat, took around 10 minutes. Mind you, it was night time and I was walking alone.

Jumaat 18 Sept. I decided to sleep in my new room in KL tonight. So I brought along my luggage and walked from my flat to Putrajaya Sentral. That was a torture. Got on KL Transit to KL Sentral, put my stuff inside a locker there, then I went to work. More briefings...CAN YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING?! Ugh. What the hell. Are you expecting us to remember everything and absorb them like a sponge? We're human being, goddammit! We're tired, we're bored, our brains are already full! Ugh. Haha. But we were already warned before we apply the job before, that the learning curve would be very steep. Which mean...it'll be hell for the first few weeks on the job.

After that, got back from work at 7 something, bumped into kak Qay, brought my luggage to Bangsar by LRT, luckily the new place I'm staying got an elevator. Cause I ain't shoving my stuff up the stairs, no sir! After sending my luggage up, went out to Nu Sentral again and bought a table fan. That salesman guy's being nice. Brought that large box, home back to LRT Universiti, cleaned up the room (so full of dust! Acchoo!) took a shower, went to sleep at almost 11.30pm. I hadn't finish arranging my stuff in the wardrobe yet. Malam tu nak tido, dok terngiang-ngiang suara orang putih dari Amsterdam yang dok bagi briefingkat workplace aku tu. Banyak sangat dengar diorang membebel sampai nak tido pun ada lagi. Bengong.

Sabtu 19 Sept. Woke up at 7.34am. SH*T. You know what, I have a bus to catch at 8.30 in Pekeliling station, and it would take 25mins by monorail. My God...can I make it? Without taking a shower or even wash my face, I emptied my luggage back, reloaded it again with stuff I need, put on something appropriate (wihtout even ironing them!), and went out, rushing to find a taxi. Got on one, arrived at Pekeliling at 8.15am, and guess what? My bus at 8.30 was on fire on its way to KL. I mean, it broke down in the middle of the road and caught on fire. Orang kat kaunter tu tak bagitau pape pun! Mangkok betol. Naseb baik aku dengar ada orang tanya, bas 8.30 dah sampai belum? Lepas tu dapat refund duit, beli tiket Bulan Restu pukul 11. Damn. Kau tau tak aku ni dengan tak mandinya, tak gosok gigi nya, rushing datang sini nak kejar bas...tengok-tengok dapat tiket pukul 11. Kepala hotak kau.

Ada bas ke Kuantan pukul 9.30, tapi tiket dah habis. So aku tunggu depan bas tu, jumpa drebar die kata kalau ada kosong aku nak naik. Naseb baik pakcik tu supportive. Aku pun baca doa, selawat Ar-Razzaq banyak-banyak, tengok-tengok ada seat kosong aku boleh masuk. Seat single pulak tu. Alhamdulillah.

Ni dah sampai rumah, kena tolong sebab ada kenduri pulak. Ahad petang dah kena balik KL semula. Pekejadah balik sekejap je ni. Lepas tu next week tiga hari bekerja aku kena angkut barang selebihnya dari Putrajaya lagi. Pastu balik raya haji lagi.

Ugh. Kau tau tak. Tak, takde orang tau, sebab aku tak bagitau sape-sape pun. Aku buat sorang tau tak. Aku buat sorang, mangkok. Aku stress tau. Tak, kau tak tau. Aku stress. Tapi kau tak tau. Kau tak tau. Kau tak tau. Kau tak tau. Sebab aku tak bagitau. Buat apa aku nak bagitau? Kau boleh datang tolong ke?

...

Haaa...okay, sorry. I was stressed. I need to let this out.

Tabahlah wahai jiwa.

Bismillah.

Allahu.

Allahu.

Dugaan. Hmm. Allah bagi.

Allahu. Tabahlah wahai jiwa.

Kenapa aku cakap tabah, bukan sabar? Sebab bagi aku, sabar adalah untuk sesuatu yang kita tahu ada penghujung. Tabah, untuk sesuatu yang kita belum pasti mana penghujungnya, atau untuk sesuatu yang memang kita dah kata pada diri, kita akan bertahan menghadapinya tanpa cuba mengubahnya.

Sebab bila aku nak mengubahnya...rasa pedih. Pikir tentang masalah ni pun dah sedih, kau ingat aku boleh maintain cool kalau aku luahkan?

Kalau fizikal, senang saja nak selesaikan. Tapi masalahnya berkaitan emosi dan perasaan.

Sedih kan?

Dah lah, aku dah pasrah.

Macam aku cakap tadi, dugaan. Tabahlah wahai jiwa.

"Fala taqullahuma uffin."

Allah. Allah. Allah. 

Tahan.

Tahan. Janganlah sekali-kali terkeluar. Allah marah.

...Allah.

Tapi sedih, tau tak.

Hmm.

Syurga bawah tapak kaki mak.

...

Bertahanlah. Bertahan. Bertahan. Ni takde apa ni. Benda kecik je.

Benda kecik je.

...

Tahan je.

Tapi pedih. Tau tak? Pedih...tau tak?

Pedih...

...tau tak?

...

Allah tau.

Mamat omputih lagi.

Bismillah.

Allahuakbar.

Allahuakbar.

Huuu...acano ni. Bakpe dia panggil lagi? Huhu.

Mamat omputih tu panggil aku interview lagi. This time I'm going to meet the Managing Director, Gert-Jan. A German? Amsterdam? Whatever.

Urgh. Why does this happen? Uh, okay, I shouldn't question it as whatever happens is as Allah's will.

Ya Allah...this is a test from You, right?

Hopefully I pass the test. Not the interview test, but Allah's test.

Ya Allah, let my tongue be clear, let my heart be calm. Show them Your power, o Allah the Almighty and Powerful. You, o Allah, surely, no doubt, You are the One who controls over them, and everyhing.

...

Ugh...I don't wanna think about what they would ask me. If I could, I just wanna say, "Talk to the hand."

Yep. I speak through my actions, not through my mouth. What, people can lie through their teeth, right?

Why would I wanna work with them? Hell, I don't know. You opened a position that fits my qualifications, so I applied. Which company is it, it doens't matter.

Ha, take that to your face. That kind of answer would surely not going to get me that job.

Ugh. Why would I want this job in the first place?! Like I said, which company I work with doesn't matter. Well, of course I wouldn't wanna work with companies dealing with bad things, but...all that matters to me right now is that my skills can be used somewhere. So I'm here, to offer you that skills I have. If you don't want it, I'll go offer my skills somewhere else. Besides, that's the basic principle of doing business, right?

Ha, again, take that to your face. Really, take it. Ughh.

"What can you contribute to the company if you are hired?"

What the...what kind of question is this. My answer would be...hello! I've already answered it in the paragraph above! I'm offering you my skills and workforce! Heh, I know that's not what you wanna hear, but, take it to your face.

"What is your vision with where the company is heading?"

Now is that question? Ughh shut up already, will you? I don't wanna talk anymore. I'm tired of talking. Ughh. Can I just zip my mouth and keep quiet? Then you'll look at me, and I'll look at you, and then you lookat the watch, then I just smile, then you ask, "So you're not answering that question?"

And I just smile again. Nope. You, STOP ASKING.

Then, you cross something on my resume, then you ask, "Do you have any question?"

That's my cue to leave.

"Yeah, I do have a question..."

What? What? I thought you said you wanna leave already??

"I'd like to know what's your vision with Malaysia. What made you interested to invest in opening a branch of Seabury in Malaysia?"

Hah, amekkau, jawab soalan aku ni. Jawab jangan tak jawab.

"Why Malaysia? Why not Singapore? Aren't you scared of the falling of Ringgit value right now? And also the problem with MAS, especially MH370 and MH17? Are there any of Malaysia airlines involved in the air cargo business? Who are your clients in Malaysia? I just wanna know your stand on this."

...Heh.

Depends on your answer. I'll nod if I'm satisfied, or I'll make a confused face if the answer is not what I'm expecting.

But, whatever. Nice to talk to you.

BYE. Hah.

Mamat omputih interview.

Bismillah.

Jumpa orang putih harini.

Huh. What's so good about them anyway?

Hah, speaking dah aku. Aduhhh...tetiba aku pun dah berjangkit dengan diorang.

Seriously, what's so good about them? Ingat orang kalau terer speaking dah boleh bangga la? Ingat diri dah lebih tinggi berbanding orang lain la?

Argh. Entah kenapa, notion tu dah melekat dengan orang yang speaking berminyak (lancar) ni. Mungkin sebab orang Amareka ni memang macam tu. Kan diorang punya culture tu very high confidence. So kita pun kaitkan bahasa diorang dengan high confidence diorang ni.

Aku, bila aku speaking, aku akan rasa mampu untuk berfikir lebih rasional. Ada artikel mana tah aku baca, memang cakap macam tu pun. Kalau bercakap dalam bahasa kedua yang bukan mother tongue kita, pemikiran kita akan jadi lebih rasional, logikal dan objective.

Huh...sebenarnya aku nak melepaskan perasaan pasal interview aku tadi. Relax je interviewnya, macam berborak. Macam mesra plak si Mike tu sengih-sengih dengar aku cerita. Tapi bila sampai bab soalan screening test yang aku tak dapat jawab tu...hah senyap kau. Kau berdua senyap. Aku pun senyap. Sebab kau suruh aku jawab soalan yang memang aku tak dapat nak jawab! Yang kau pergi tanya lagi tu buat apa, mangkok?! Haaa kan aku dah geram. Lepas tu tengok-tengok jam, buat muka bosan, minum air. Hoi kau saja nak test psychological aku ke ape haa? Aku pun dahaga gak!

Huh. Mana la aku tau apa kau nak! Tambah lagi pulak aku ni bukan ada pengalaman analyse market pon. Dah kau carik fresh grad, memang la takde pengalaman, mangkok! Haa kan da kena kali kedua. Dah aku tak tau, ajarlah! Yang kau malas sangat nak ajar tu kenapa? Macam mana nak build human capital yang boleh berkerja untuk company kau kalau kau taknak spend time on training newcomers? Kau ingat aku reti nak suruh correcting outliers and changing data semua? Mana ada lecturer ajar soh kita tukar data supaya boleh fit presentation supaya graph jadi beautiful! Arghh.

Haaa...entahlah. Aku pun dah tak tau aku nak ke tak kerja tu. Nanti kena ngadap Mike ngan Iskandar tu lagi. Pastu ofis nanti kena tukar tempat pulak. Lagi-lagi pulak tu company Amareka. Ke UK entah. Macam mana aku nak jaga Islam aku? Kerja kat UIA dulu best. Bulan puasa je ada program-program yang staf kena ikut. Kena gilir-gilir bagi tazkirah. Tempat solat, nak solat pun takdela sorang-sorang. Kerja cleaner kat UIA pun bagus. Makcik-makcik kleaner dia pagi-pagi baca matsurat, pasang Yasin kat henpon. Mengajar kat Ihsan, pagi-pagi pasang doa Dhuha. Kalau tak, memang aku tak hapal doa tu camna. Pertukaran masa kelas pulak guna surah al-'Asr. Budak-budak baik, tazkirah, nasyid...hmmm. Nak dapat semua tu dekat kampeni international? Sensorang je la aku. Rasa macam seekor biri-biri dikalangan serigala.

Argh, bukan main banyak aku buat blunder tadi. Argh, dengan strangers lagi senang la aku nak bukak pekung. Sebab diorang ni strangers! Strangers aku dah takkan jumpa lagi lepas aku cerita secret aku! Argh. Apa yang aku dah buat ni. Argh sebab ni la aku dah taknak keje tu lagi huhu.

Allahuakbar. Tak tahu lah. Aku rasa baik aku meniaga nasik lemak ke. Ada pekdahnye jugak. Hari-hari kenyang dengan nasik lemak, takyah pikir nak masak apa. Betul tak?

Phone call

Bismillah.

Oops, I did it again.

So I went, so I passed good, they said.

They called me this afternoon. 'Michael' called me. I was...unprepared.

What the hell. It felt like everything was sudden. I couldn't really understand what he was saying on the phone. Then he asked me questions.

"What interests you to work in Seabury?"

"I...uhh...I...because of the job description...uhh...wait a second...(moves to somewhere quiet) uhh...sorry, I'm nervous."

"Okay. So, why do you think you're fit for the job?"

Sh*t. This is the question that will trap me.

"Uhh...because I can work with a lot of data, and um...the job description...fits my qualification and uhh...I'm an analytical person...uhh...um."

What.

Sh*t.

How can I explain my capabilities? Kalau aku cakap gebang-gebang pun, how would you know that I'm not just all talk and no proof? How do you even measure your capabilites when you have no work experiences?

Ugh. I believe in just showing it, demonstrating it to you rather than talking about it. I fail at talking charmingly.

After believing that I was making myself to sound stupid through the phone, Michael said something about interview on next Monday. Heck, where? Am I invited or not? I don't think I got an email for that. Then he said thank you, and I thanked him back, so much, and he said "No, thank you for your time for this phone call. Okay. All the best, and have a good day."

All I can say was..."Thank you." Come on, at least say "Good day to you too."!

Argh. Sometimes I dread the fact that I can't talk like some people who can talk other's pants off. But I am what I am. My mind works brilliantly, words searched and organized into sentences...but they fail to be hatched. An analogy is like when you work hard to produce something to sell, but you couldn't market it. 

Argh. God. Then I went into the toilet and cried. God, please. I feel like I'm cursed with interviews like this. Huh. I know, I'm not well exposed with the ways of talking. If prepared, hell, so confident I seem in front. But once you ask a question that I don't expect, there, you caught me. My words would stumble right away.

And this was just the phone call, not yet the interview.

God.

Of course, all I can do is leave whatever happens to Allah. Accept whatever he gives me. And try to forget that blunder I made, and stop thinking about the interview. Just...go crash it.

Hanging out with Intuitive Extroverts.

Bismillah.

Wow. Hanging out with Intuitives. Even more so, all of them are Extroverts. (I'm an Introverted Sensor)

What the heck. I only realized it when they were chatting together happily while I stared at them, not saying anything. It's not that I don't understand what the topic was about, it's just that I feel like if I interrupted them, they would suddenly go quiet, make a confused face, give a short comment on what I've said, then continue about something else. Of course, who wouldn't feel ignored? Typical behavior of Intuitives, jumping from an idea to another, while Sensors Thinkers would like to discuss on the current idea with more understanding. 

It somehow feels like we're not on the same page. They were talking about it, what immediately popped out of my mind was the possible solutions to said topics. But if I tell them just that, it somehow wouldn't get elaborated. I would be a conversation killer, and I don't want that.

As an Introvert, of course I'm quiet if I'm not interested in the topic. Being a Sensor makes staying with Intuitives almost unbearable. Inside, I was eager to move, to play, come on, at least do something other than just talking! I was bored, for God's sake! I feel like I just wanna get up and run, just start walking to wherever my feet bring me, or go climb something or crawl or whatever. Huh. No wonder you guys didn't really agree to the idea of playing bowling. I should've known...

Well, there are parts where we are different, but there are also parts where we complement each other. So, I might as well try to tolerate with this, they are my friends. They too have to tolerate with my Se hyperactiveness and Ti quietness (but can bite!). Hanging out with Intuitives makes me appreciate my Si friends more, especially Falaha. 

Being Se does give me some advantages. That night I reminded Ama of her phone which was with Syafiq, but even Syafiq didn't remember where he put it. They started to panic, I quickly called Ama's phone. Luckily the phone did ring, and it was found in Syafiq's pocket. The next morning, I reminded Ama of her tumbler as I noticed it wasn't in her hand. She had forgotten and left it at the kiosk, so I quickly speed walked and fetched the tumbler without any question. By then I knew, if they were embracing their Intuitves moments, I can embrace my Se too. I was...somehow hoping someone would notice what I did and appreciate it but...it's okay.

No, they were not in the wrong. They were simply being Intuitives. That is their personality, that's what makes them 'them'. The same thing with me. My hyperactive Se may be annoying to some, but I'm not wrong. I'm just being who I am. The purpose of this post is to highlight that there may exist some clashes between the personalities, not to emphasize someone's weaknesses. Hell no, it's not even about weaknesses. It's the strength of Intuitives. To discuss an issue with depth and be able to branch out into various other things. Strength of Sensor is on physical things, quick reflexes and body movements.

...Huh. Okay, I think I got sensitive. I think I should rest a little, spend a few days without people. Just me and my own little world. Them Extroverts get energy by hanging out with people, but me, I need to recharge my Introverted energy alone. So...time to keep quiet.

Mengumpat, dan implikasinya

Bismillah.

Kalau suami orang datang pikat kau, tak mustahil nanti kau dah kahwin dengan dia, dia pikat perempuan lain pulak.

Sama jugak macam mengumpat. Kau mengumpat orang lain depan aku, tak mustahil nanti esok lusa kau mengumpat aku depan orang lain pulak.

Mengumpat ni bahaya kepada semua pihak. Orang yang mendengar umpatan akan berburuk sangka pada yang diumpat, orang yang diumpat akan dipinggirkan tanpa mengetahui sebabnya, dan orang yang mengumpat akan jadi orang yang tak boleh dipercayai.

Kalau tak suka, cakap depan-depan. Kalau tak nak cakap, diamlah. Kau cerita keburukan dia pada orang lain, apa faedah yang kau dapat? Apakah masalah kau dengan dia akan selesai kalau kau cerita kat orang? Kot ya pun nak cerita, cerita lah pada orang yang betul. Pada orang yang kau nak umpat tu. Sekurang-kurangnya dia dapat tahu mana salah dia. Boleh lah dia betulkan. Kalau dia buat bodoh je lepas kau tegur, itu masalah dia lah. Tanggungjawab kau dah selesai.

Ini lah yang menyebabkan aku nak lari daripada kau. Kau suka umpat orang. Dan aku rasa 'kotor' setiap kali kau mula perangai kau tu. Pot pet pasal orang ni, orang tu. Hah, nanti nama aku lah pulak yang bakal dipotpet kannya. Haa tengok, aku pun dah berburuk sangka. Ya, aku faham kalau kau geram, dia tak buat kerja ke, bagi arahan tak betul ke...aku pun geram. Tapi bila kau cerita, sebut nama dia, cakap keburukan dia...macam kau tu tak sedar yang kau pun bukannya sempurna sangat. Macam kau tak nampak keburukan yang kau sendiri pun ada. Kau tak takut ke, bila kau bukak keburukan orang lain, bukak aib orang lain, Allah akan bukak aib kau?

Ya Allah, peliharalah kami dari dibukakan aib kami. Di dunia, dan di hari pengadilan.

Ya, aku pun paham kalau kau cerita pada orang untuk hilangkan stress. Macam apa yang aku buat ni jugak. Aku stress dengan apa yang kau buat tu. Tapi ada aku sebut nama kau? Pembaca tahu ke siapa yang aku dok marahkan ni? Tak, diorang tak tahu, sebab aku tak sebut nama siapa-siapa pun. Ya, lain kali, kalau nak hilangkan tekanan perasaan, guna ton umum. Senang orang paham, oh...kau nakkan nasihat. Diorang pun boleh bagi pendapat diorang tanpa bias kepada sebelah pihak. Ni kalau kau sebut nama orang secara spesifik...aku pun dah mula buruk sangka. "Eh kau ni, kau nak hilangkan stress ke, kau nak buruk-burukkan orang tu?"

Tolonglah. Tolonglah jangan makan bangkai saudara sendiri. Ya Allah...geli tau tak!

Hubungan persahabatan/ukhuwwah tu akan lebih senang terjalin, dan lebih senang kekal lama kalau tak ada orang yang suka mengumpat. Kita akan saling berbaik sangka, dan berbaik sangka ni secara tak langsung menyebabkan:

1. Dia pun turut berbaik sangka dengan kita

2. Dia jadi termotivasi untuk jadi baik macam yang kita sangkakan

3. Kita akan saling menghargai, menyayangi, dan lebih senang untuk kita menerima keburukan/kelemahan dia

Allah.

Hmm. Aku tau, berdasarkan kemampuan aku, aku tak dapat nak tegur dia depan-depan. Tapi aku akan sentiasa memerhati. Kot-kot ada peluang yang boleh aku guna.

Allah. Manusia. Aku pun tak sempurna.

To start.

Bismillah.

The first 2 weeks after starting something new is always the hardest.

Yep. Now I'm almost a month into my new job at MoSTI, albeit temporary. Been fighting the urge to rebel and quit the job, but luckily I was reminded by this particular fact. The same thing happened at my previous job too, where I was so stressed out in the first 2 weeks. At the end of it, it didn't feel all that bad after all. Well, that job was also temporary, and the contract period was only for 2 weeks.

Hmm. The job market is looking kinda grim for graduates now, I read about it from the NST (or was it The Star newspaper?).The government doesn't open new permanent positions anymore, instead, they open job vacancies for contract or temporary workers like me. Banks are offering retrenchment, other sectors are expected to follow suit.

I shouldn't complain. At least I'm still getting some money. Well, I'm more looking forward to start my own life intead of leeching off my mother. And for that reason hopefully my financial income could somehow be secured.

Thinking of starting some kind of small business involving food. Hmm. But...

Meh. There will always be reasons not to do it if you think too much about it.

The start is the hardest.

To start.

God. Help.

"If you are thankful, He will surely add more."

(^_^)

Art Therapy: Draw 5 Things

Bismillah.

So I decided to try art therapy. Got it from here: http://www.creativecounseling101.com/house-tree-water-sun-moon-animal.html

The instruction is to draw 5 things on a paper: house, tree, animal, water and sun/moon. Doesn't matter how you'd draw it, just make sure to have those five things. Here's how mine turned out:

I used Paper by 53 app on my iPad mini. So supposedly the art counselor would look at your painting and ask you questions, but since I don't have one...let me just describe my painting on my own.

First, my house. A house in the painting supposedly represents your own self. My house's small but cozy and comfy, the one you would call home. It'll fit for me only for now, but if there would be another person to live in there, I won't renovate the house to make it bigger. If you won't be comfortable living together with me in there, then you are welcomed to leave. However, visitors are happily welcomed. See, the door and windows are always open during the day, hell, there's no door at all. There are no curtains whatsoever, the windows are very effective for wind flow. But at night there is a door and I'll close it tight and lock it for privacy, while leaving the windows open to enjoy the night sky. Those windows will be closed only when I'm not home. The inside of my house is simple with just a few necessary furniture, a bed, chair, small table, small rack/cupboard, and one picture hanging on the wall or a vase of fresh small flowers on the table. My house is made of wood because...come on, who would build a concrete house in the middle of the forest? I'd like to enjoy nature as much as I can. What do you think? Would you like to visit this kind of house someday?

Second, the water represents a 'mother' figure. My water is the river, flowing fast, but still gentle and not that deep. Safe for me to take some drinking water, or catch fishes, or wash things or myself, or even get to the other side. The water is clean and clear, and surely it is an essential part of the house. Or else, how am I going to live in the middle of the forest? The river is the source of water for the whole forest, right?

Third, the sun is the 'father' figure. My sun is not drawn whole, because for me, the whole sun might burn me too much. Therefore my sun is sort of just peeking to watch over the whole thing. Therefore its rays can be accepted and enjoyed, which would make it feel warm and comforting. If you drew a moon, the explanation's something about intuition. You can go to the link I provide you above to learn more.

Fourth, the tree. It represents the interpersonal relationships one has or does not have. Notice that my tree is a forest! Wow, that's a lot of trees. My house is surrounded by the tree. And by my house there are two trees which stand firm and sort of protect the house. All other trees serve the same function, hiding the house from the outside world and protecting it. My house doesn't have a door, remember? The trees are healthy, evergreen and provide shade, some fruits, firewoods and other benefits. The trees do not grow too close together, thus providing easy navigation in between them. There are no dangerous animals living in there, even if there were, the animals wouldn't disturb me or they are tame. The house is on the left side of the forest, the area is much more familiar, whereby the other side of the river seems foreign and scary the more you go deeper. 

Last but not least, the animal. Supposedly represents your 'ego'? I don't understand this part. The page told me to find the meaning in DreamDictionary, in which I did read one in Dreammoods website. At first I was having a doubt on what animal should I put in my drawing. I was considering not to put any. V-shaped birds are lame, besides, it's not even a sunset. Birds in nest? Too noisy with their chirping. Cat/dog? Nope, too cumbersome to draw. Besides, how are they gonna find their food? Or even if there are dogs/cats, most probably they are lost inside the forest or found another owner. Other animals? I'm not familiar with them, so no. Damn, but I should drawn at least one animal. So I picked fish, just because it could be my source of food. Those fishes are not going anywhere. Because they are MY food. Haha. So my fishes are sort of trapped in a cage. Consider I'm keeping them in a pond. Because that translation in that website said that I have an emotion that has been repressed, or will be revealed.

Anyway, that's it. Whatever it is, I actually enjoyed the drawing process. Putting in details into it was a dreaded but somehow addicting activity for me. It looks messy, isn't it? Heh. Whatever. I've drawn myself a cute little house in the middle of nowhere. 

Can't stop walking: Part IV

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamualaikum.

Let's continue with the journey, shall we? :)

On to the fifth day Wednesday, I decided to go visit my old matriculation in PJ. Center for Foundation Studies, IIUM PJ. Went there alone, my sis didn't come along. I did ask Syafiq to join me when I've arrived there.

Of course, I went there using public transport. First from LRT Taman Jaya, I exited at LRT University. There, I waited for a bus that frequents my CFS. Used to do that lots of times before, so there should be no reason for me to be scared. Well, I admit, I was a bit scared. Must be because I'm alone.

Once I arrived, I was actually nervous as I had to walk pass the guards. But somehow when I did that, guards just ignored me. Heh, maybe because I was dressed quite modestly that day. So I walked in, and quickly started snatching photos. It'll be useful when I'm telling stories about my experiences as a VP2.

Other than going around reminiscing about the old days, the ZC cafe, the classes where we used to have meetings...I went to the LTD to check for ustaz Nadzri, our FRC advisor, but apparently he was taking that day off. That's most probably because the day after that was a holiday, the new year. Well, should've expected that. I messaged Syafiq, telling him about that. Well, Syafiq couldn't come too as his bike broke down in a middle of a highway. Hopefully everything'll be okay for him.

Go back to ZC Cafe to have my lunch...saw ex-IIUMK classmate eating alone there. Not wasting anytime, I greeted her and joined her. Won't feel awkward now that I had company. She was there as an exam invigilator. We talked for a bit, then I headed home. Waited for the bus outside the campus, stopped that green PJ bus that was supposed to be free, but the driver waved his hand to me saying no. I don't know, maybe I waited at the wrong bus stand. Welp. I took a different bus and traced back my way to my uncle's apartment.

**********

Thursday was the day we decided that we should go home. At first after breakfast my uncle said he would send me to the LRT station as I already knew the way to Pekeliling bus station. But somehow we were running late from planned time, he sent me straight to Pekeliling. He didn't have to fo that far for me, I said, bu he said it was okay. My aunt was unwell, she had a fever. Turned out it was dengue!(･_･;

Arriving at Pekeliling, we quickly surveyed the counters for any who sells tickets to Kuantan. Only PlusLiner had them, and the alternative route they'll take to avoid the flood would take 7 hours long! God, that's plus 3 more hours than what we usually have. Luckily the price was unchanged. Well, like it or not, I took the offer and bought the tickets as mom wanted us to be home as soon as we can. I'm not quite sure what she was worried about, but she didn't like us being away for a long time.

Bought the tickets, boarding time was 2pm if I'm not mistaken. Or was it 1.30pm? Can't remember. But we did have some free time after buying the tickets, so we said our farewells to our uncle and cousin, then we headed to Berjaya Time Square to fill our time. From Pekeliling, we just took the monorail straight to Imbi, no need to exchange line or anything.

We walked around Time Square, at that time there were not a lot of people, and some of the shops were just opening. I guess we came a bit early. We walked around the Cosmo World, little Taiwan (I think that's the name), that place where you get to enter a room and solve mysteries in it (for quite a price of course), and I noticed there was an archery range here too. Wasn't there when I last came, about...4 years ago? Lol.

Tried the piano stairs too, and that sort of pressure tiles...? When you step on it, the coloured liquid inside moves. Got tired of walking, stopped by a KFC and ordered their newly introduced desserts. I ordered the tiramisu. So-so I might say. Typical for a fast food franchise. Besides, KFC is not cake expert. Heh. Spend quite some time here, as at Pekeliling it's not as comfy.

When the time came, we left and headed back to Pekeliling, boarded our bus...the bus stopped at weird resting area! I has to speed pray at a petrol station, believing that it won't be stopping at all, and when it did, it was somewhere by the roadside with the toilets at the edge of some plantations. God, it must be scarier at night. I wanted to eat here as there was a food stall, but I couldn't find anything I want. There's not even snacks sold there.

Inside the bus for a 7 hours long trip, I couldn't help but feel bored. I slept, listened to music, looked outside the windown...hmm. Can't remember exact time we arrived in Kuanfan. But it was already night. Got home...haa, finally, time to rest!

In the mood to cook

Bismillah.

*******

Menu for today is:

○Nasi putih

●(White rice)

○Patin masak tempoyak

●(Silver shark catfish/iridescent shark (scientific name: pangasius hypophthalmus) stew with fermented durian)

Lol payah nor bahasa omputih nye ^_^"

○Ayam, ikan goreng

●(Fried chicken, fish)

○Ulam (ulam raja, timun, lobak, tomato)

●(Salad: cosmos caudatus, cucumber, carrot, tomato)

○Cip kentang + ikan bilis

●(Potato chips + anchovies)

○Keropok ikan tamban

●(Fish crackers)

○Tembikai

●(Watermelon)

○Puding roti gula hangus

●(Caramel bread pudding)

○●Cappuccino ice blended

*********

God...so appetizing. Especially the patin masak tempoyak, made by yours truly ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

Can't stop walking: Part 3

Bismillah.

So on the third day we spent the morning playing with our young cousins. After cooking and having lunch together, our uncle suggested to bring us to Sunway Pyramid. Hurray! I've never been to Sunway before, so this chance was sure not to be missed. There, I got to finally see the ice skating rim in the middle of the mall, but we're not there for that. We headed to the archery shooting range first at the third floor. The price is RM25 per entry, and you get to shoot 10 or 15 arrows, I can't remember. The bows provided for adults and children are different, children got a much simpler bow while adults' bows are much more...let's just say tougher.

To the left was my cousin

 I made a mistake of wearing two layers of clothes when they put on my archery gears, causing me to feel fatigued after some time. The blood on my arm was unable to flow freely, the bow felt heavier after shooting a few arrows. Should remember that next time. Most of the arrows of course...miss the target board completely. Lol.

After playing there, we proceeded to the bowling alley! 🎳Haha oh no I don't have good good first experience in this sport. This would be my second time playing, where in my first time, I totally lost with most of the turns were zeros. Now, let see what happened this time...

At first, of course, I was scoring zeros. But not for long. My uncle told me how to throw the ball correctly. For beginners like me, I should just sort of push the ball and let it roll freely instead of throwing it from taller height. Lol I've been trying to copy what I saw from the experts, the pose was good, but the accuracy was in the drain 😅. So I listened to my uncle and lowered my pose, threw the ball with more grace and gentleness and just gave it a small push. Sure enough, the ball finally managed to hit those pins! Score! 😆 Haha. Though I can't get a strike, that,ll be good enough for a beginner, right? Finally, I get it!

At the end of the game, my uncle won at the top with score too far for me to overtake at the second place. And my cousin, 14 years younger than me, came at third place with a close one 😥. My sister got last place, this was her first time playing bowling. Haha whatever. I had fun that day.

***********************

On the the next day! Uhh what day was it...? Oh yes, fourth day of me and my sister staying in KL. I kinda get anxious waiting for when the highway's going to be opened because my mom's already asked when were we going to get back to Kuantan 😥. So on the fourth day me and my sister took the bus and then the LRT to get to KL Sentral for one purpose: to find a place with free wifi. Lol you might wonder why go that far to get internet. First, I don't have a mobile phone equipped with internet data plan. Second, my uncle's house has no internet (and I'm too embarrassed to borrow his phone to browse the internet). Third, I don't my uncle's place that much, nor do I have the courage to go around looking for free wifi.

 So there I was, at Nü Sentral. We walked around first, in order to get familiar with the place and see what shops are there. There are a total of 10 floors, the tenth being a cinema yet to be opened. The roof's supposed to be a garden, but we couldn't get there, the signs said there were some renovations going on. Most of the shops are high class, so I'll only be window shopping. There is also MPH Bookstore there, quite nice but still new and a bit small compared to MPH in Midvalley Megamall. Now, the food floor...haha, is where all the food, fast food, beverages  and desserts are situated. Hmm I can't remember which floor it was.

Once we're on that floor, we quickly browse for a food place with free wifi. We went around looking for that free wifi symbol on the shop's glass display. There's this shop that sells macaroons, which I really wanted to try, but that place got no wifi 😣. So at the end...we went to DubuDubu, a Korean food restaurant.

Here's what we ordered. Can't remember the name.

One meal, shared with two persons. I can't afford the price 😥. This one came at RM22 if I remembered correctly. Moreover, the taste is...weird...not the usual food you get to eat every day. The rice and the tofu soup were okay (though somehow it tasted like instant noodles' soup), the anchovies were...not as expected. Not the same anchovies we eat in nasi lemak. And of course, the kimchi (the smaller bowl in the middle). That was the first time I tasted kimchi and...I'm not sure if I wanted to eat it again. The kimchi (made from cabbage) was mixed with ginger...which is far from my favourite. But anyway, me and my sister both managed to empty our bowls. We are not ones of the food wasters, especially meals as expensive as this!

See! Cleaned! Now if only we could get free refill...lol

In contrast, this was what ordered by the table beside us (and the table beside them). Both tables were two-persons.

Seeing they left the shop with THAT much food on the tables...I could only stare in disbelief. Here I was, sharing one meal with two people but there you were, ordering three meals but couldn't even finish one?! 😱😱😱 Now if only I didn't have self-restrained...I would've just take it to our tables and fill our stomachs happily. I was VERY tempted to do just that. Really. Oh my God. People, please don't waste food. Please. The pain I felt was magnified as the food was expensive and we were sharing it.

Ugh. Okay, this is a reminder for me too.

After eating, we turned on our wifi and browsed the internet while sipping our iced tea away. I began searching for more news on the flood on the highway. Turned out the flood just got worse 😭. We couldn't go back as soon as we wanted. Oh God. Well, what to do. This was already planned by Him, right? On to more walking, then! Haha!👣👣👣👣

Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag

Bismillah.

Finished playing Assassin's Creed 4: Black Flag, and it was AWESOME!

No, really, I mean it. Maybe part of the awesomeness comes because I haven't been playing computer games for a while now...but my point still stands! You don't believe it? Ask around, which Assassin's Creed is the best among the titles in the series?

Most would say AC4 or AC2. Yep.

For those who are not familiar with the game, Assassin's Creed (AC) is an action/adventure sort of game, where you can climb buildings and kill people stealthily as an assassin obviously. The franchise's from Ubisoft. I like their Prince of Persia 2008 too.

A few published titles of AC up until now:
AC1 - play as Altair Ibn Lahad. Arabic origin of sort...I don't know. Haven't played.
AC2 - play as Ezio Auditore la Firenze. Italian...I think. Haven't got the chance to play either.
AC2 Brotherhood - Ezio too. Travel around Rome. Pretty cool to be able to climb the Colloseum.
AC2 Revelations - Ezio again, he's old now. This time in Constantinople. Which is way fascinating. Hagia Sophia, Topkapi Palace...But I'll be damned, I only got to play halfway before the game crashed on me :(
AC3 - play as Haytham, then Connor (or RatonHaketon if you prefer the native name). Travel around Boston, New York...basically America during the struggle to independence. Currently playing.
AC4 Black Flag - play as Edward Kenway, a pirate! Travel around Carribean sea. He's father of Haytham, grandfather of Connor.
AC4 Rogue - play as Shay, a Templar. Haven't played this one.
AC5 Unity - play as Arno, in France. Haven't played too.

Ezio at the Colosseum

So what's awesome about AC4? Everything! Haha. The game's won the best action/adventure game award if I'm not mistaken. The Assassin's Creed wikia says so.

First. At the beginning of the game, you are well guided. The controls are intuitive enough, and explained well. First timers to AC may need some time to be familiar with it, but believe me, you won't regret it. This time around you'll only need to right click to free run, instead of pressing space too, like in AC2 Brotherhood. Less hassle. After that, the game slowly introduce you to controlling ship, synchronizing viewpoints, guns, buying at stores, naval combats...it gives you time to be familiar with one skill before introducing a new one, which is good. It doesn't provide you with lots of information at the same time, like in AC3.

Second. Of course, the beautiful graphic. Landscape, nature...oh God the water! It's so beautiful and crystal clear! Then we travel from an island to another, climbing trees, killing crocodiles, hunting whales! (Luckily it's only in a game). Discover undergound caves...oh you'd feel like an explorer in no time. And that's just about the graphic. Now the sound...I've always been fan to pirates soundtracks, like that movie Pirates of Carribean? Cool, majestic sounding OST. That, and the sound of the sea while you're controlling your ship, chatters of your deck crew, the shanties...! Yes! The crews sing shanties when you're travelling in the sea. It makes you feel like the ship is your family.

Third. Interesting main character. Edward Kenway is a pirate, you guys. Who wouldn't want to play as one! And he's a cool one at that. Before, I used to think Assassins as serious people, going around fighting injustice...but Edward's different. He's mistakenly helped the Templars at the beginning, but then he righted his ways by helping the Assassins even though he wasn't one. And he's a jovial one. Maybe some will say, Ezio's a better AC character. I wish to feel the same too, but I didn't play AC2. But I can see that, Ezio seems prety cool too. I mean, three AC titles just for him! Haa. But Edward's cool too. And he's half naked when he went whale hunting! Lol. Tell me, who other Assassins take off their clothes and show their abs in AC? Tell me now because I wanna play them. Haha. And also, that collectible Templar and Mayan armors are pretty neat. Especially the Mayan one. Looks like IronMan, without the helmet. It deflects metal projectiles as a bonus. The Templar one increases your defense.

 

Mayan armor

Let's hunt, lads.

Fourth, a big world to explore, and the fact that you got yourself a nice ship named the Jackdaw. What signals a good game for me is that I will strive to complete everything. And in AC4, I do just that. I go around almost every is,and, synchronize almost every veiwpoints, explore underwater wrecks (yes, you can do that in AC4), complete naval contracts, destroy naval ports...ooo I love me Jackdaw. I love upgrading its broadside cannons up 23 on each side (the max, I know I'm cool 8) ), the hull, swivel guns, I love attacking and plundering other ships...I almost run out of upgrades and places to travel after not even half of the main story line yet. That's how exciting the world in AC4 Black Flag is.

Compared to others in the series that I have played, namely AC2 Brotherhood, AC2 Revelations (half) and AC3 (currently playing), AC4 Black Flag certainly takes things up a notch. AC2 has got the usual assassin stuff, climbing building, killing people, search for secret treasure...AC3...I get it, Ubisoft sort of tried to introduce lots of different ideas at the same time, with the crafting, accounting book, trading, hunting...what the hell. Trading's too complicated especially, and I don't know why do we need hunting anyway. AC4 Black Flag is much simpler and more focused. Hunting's only to craft things, but you can still buy crafting goods in stores. And I still can't find where the stores are in AC3 T_T!

Comparing AC4 Black Flag to Tomb Raider now, because all those climbing reminds me of it. Tomb Raider's much more realistic with how much easier Lara can die, and all her movements and survival instincts (eagle sense in AC). In AC I feel like you are much more resilient. You don't die after falling from high places into the haystack lol. But to each its own. Tomb Raider's much more grim and mythical, AC's much more unrealistic but with a touch of real history.

Anyway, I play games in order to do things that we couldn't do in reality. And I've been having fun with the AC franchise for bringing me to places without even lifting my butt of the seat. Lol that actually sounds sad. But it's pretty cool. You can even travel to galaxies beyond ours in Mass Effect 2. Who knows where else would games bring us to next?

Off into the Omega 4 Relay!

Less travelled.

Bismillah.

 Kawan lama. Kita mesti nak tanya khabar, kan?

 Ye, aku paham. Aku tau. Tapi...aku takde apa cerita untuk diceritakan. Itupun, kalau ada orang nak tau la. Haha.

 Aku sihat. Ada kat rumah ni ha. Mak aku sihat. Adik beradik aku sihat. Abang aku kerja, mak aku kerja. Adik aku 2 orang kat UiTM.

 Tapi aku...?

 Dah, dah, jangan tanya. Aku taknak cakap apa-apa.

Nanti tiba masa aku dah bersedia, aku bagitau la apa yang patut. Korang tak yah risau ea.

 #########

Chained.

By your own self.

...

In this situation, nothing feels true.

You begin doubting.

You ask, "Is this really what I'm gonna go through?"

"Won't there be any other route?"

...

Why, but yes there is. It's just that...

...that route is almost unknown to people, such that if you decide to travel on it, you'll be...

...alone. Full of doubts. Uncertainties.

...and loneliness. (I have mentioned that, haven't I?)

Road less travelled.

#########

Out.

Out.

But...

...someone...

...

...alone.

...?

Give me some sunshine

Saari Umrr Hum Mar Marke Ji Liye

All of our lives, we barely live
Ik Pal Toh Abb Hamein Jine Do, Jine Do

Let us live a little now, if just for a moment

Na Na Na Na Na Na...
Give Me Some Sunshine, Give Me Some Rain
Give Me Another Chance I Wanna Grow Up Once Again

Kandhon Ko Kitaabon Ke Bojh Ne Jhukaaya

Books' weight (in backpack) drooped our shoulder
Rishwat Dena Toh Khud Paapa Ne Sikhaaya

Of all people, dad taught us to bribe
99 Percent Marks Laaoge Toh Ghadi Warana Chhadi

A watch for 99% marks, or else, a beating

Likh Likhakar Padha Haathon Par Alfa Beta Gamma Ka Chhaala

Our wrists were blistered by writing of Alpha, Beta and Gamma (a lot of formula)
Concentrated H2so4 Ne Pura, Pura Bachpan Jala Daala

Concentrated H2SO4 burnt down our entire childhood

Bachpan Toh Gaya Jawaani Bhi Gayi

We lost our childhood, we lost our youth
Ik Pal Toh Abb Hamein Jine Do, Jine Do

Now let us live a little, if just for a moment

Credits to thebollywoodfan.blogspot.com

Free from expectations.

Inside that dark deep well.

Bismillah.

Why?

Why

am I not confident?

No

I don't think that's wrong.

I don't think I'm wrong for not being confident.

Being confident is just...

what the world expects from people, right?

When everyone's doing it, doesn't mean I should do it too.

They keep telling me to be outspoken, confident and friendly with people.

I can do that. I can put a mask in front of others.

But not when they are there specifically to judge me.

And I, figuratively, hand my own neck directly to them.

Suicide. Kamikaze. My mask crumbles. So does my heart. And my confidence.

I don't excel in interviews. 

Unless maybe if I come with the intention to fail in the first place.

Hmm. Haven't tried that one.

---------

Maybe I'm not that scared in front of people.

Maybe...I'm just scared to show my real self in front of them.

That I'm all weak and mushy inside.

That all that smart look, sharp gaze and confident smile are just a facade.

That I'll cry non stop once they ask the trigger question. Basically any question will do.

Why?

.........

I guess

I should be satisfied with failing interviews and Vivas.

When I'm not even officially a master's student yet.

Preparing to fail. What the heck am I doing?

No

but I do not judge my failure as failing to pass their judgement.

Me not satisfying what they want, doesn't mean I'm not good.

I did my work.

Maybe I AM not good enough for them.

But I'm good enough for me.

Like their assessments gonna mean something in my life.

But people's mouth

people all around me would say things.

My SV.

My friends.

My family.

My teachers and lecturers.

The seniors and juniors.

That I've failed their expectations.

But why is it wrong?

Why is it wrong for me to fail?

Kadang-kadang, mulut orang yang mengata tu lagi menyakitkan dari hakikat yang kita failed.

Yes.

Failure by myself is a lot better than failure to meet their expectations.

People.

Humans.

---------

I'm not perfect.

Will never be.

Not even close.

But at least I tried

right?

But still 

it isn't good enough for you.

...

I can't satisfy you

nor everyone

nor anyone else in the world.

Then I guess

I'll live alone

down here

in the dark deep well.

To you, maybe it's pitch black

but to me

you don't know.

It seems like a nice place

albeit lonely

at least it's better than living under constant judgement.

God.

Help me.

Please.

Fear of working

Bismillah.

Dear Allah.

What if I don't wanna work?

...

People all around me saying no...you can't do that...it's bad for you...

Yeah, I know. I hate myself for it. But still, I want the same thing. I don't wanna work.

Then what do I want to do?

...

I don't know.

I'm happy with what I'm doing right now. Currently, I'm writing on a project, now it's reaching 70k words. I know, it's not much. Heck, I know, I'm a fuuing amateur, noob, beginner...call on me whatever you want. But I love it.

I love what I do. I love writing. Heck, even though people may dislike it. Maybe what I wrote doesn't make sense. But I like it. Even if sometimes I face writer's block. Even if sometimes I feel down because my story isn't like other box office pecah panggung story. Even if my characters aren't likable. But I stupidly fall for them. I feel for them.

...

Is it wrong?

Is it wrong for me to at least have something that I like to do?

Heck, I don't think I can like doing something this long. I maybe have interests in a lot other things, but mostly those interests just fade over time.

But writing remains.

So what if I like to write?

Let me blame my past. I took a fuuing Math course even though I like writing. You know what, I listed English as a first choice when filling up the form to apply for university, but my mom then told me to change it to Physical Sciences instead.

Heh.

I don't blame my mom. If I want to blame someone, it's most probably be myself. Maybe I'm not stong enough with my conviction. I didn't tell my mom about my interest. I'd just listen to whatever she said like a good daughter I am.

Hell, a good daughter? Now that I'm not working and fuuing lazying around the house doing fuuing nothing...I know. She probably despises me. Fuu.

Children don't know their parents' feelings, huh? Don't think that the children don't feel hurt by not knowing your feelings.

Fuu. Whatever.

I love to write. So what. That doesn't change ANYTHING.

 I need to move out. Rent a room, make the room absolutely mine. Fill it with a drum set, drawing tutorials and art supplies, access to internet for me to learn drumming, drawing and Japanese...writing as a hobby...

But first I'd need to get a job. Just being a cleaner is enough. Provided I don't have to drive to work. Even better if I could walk to my work place. But as a woman it might be hard. Fuu.

Ughhh. Even applying for a cleaner job is fuuing frightening? Why???

I'm afraid of getting rejected.

Getting rejected outside and even inside the house...somehow makes you feel like you could slice a knife on your arm, right? Then you watch that red blood flows freely down your white skin...it almost tempts you to lick it.

You'd feel happy.

Because at least with that cut you can finally express the pain inside. The pain is physicalize, if that's even a word. And a physical pain is something others would worry about. They don't know anything about the pain inside. They can't see it.

They can't fuuing see it.

But what's the need for that, right? Why would they need to see the pain inside? Would they care? Yeah, I know, I absolutely know that they have pains inside, too. So why would they care? They have their own problems they need to solve. Why would they care about others?

Fuu.

I wish I could crumple this stupid fear I'm feeling, crush it down under my feet and stomp on it like a crazy butch. Then I'd stomp out, go apply for that cleaner job and fuu them if they still reject me.

Then I'd quietly slice my arm inside the toilet and let the blood flow with a snicker on my lips.

...

God.

God.

God.

Oh Allah.

I don't know.

I don't know a thing.

You know everything.

God.

I don't even know what should I ask from You.

Lemme just...

Lemme just ask for Your help.

Is that okay?

I...

I don't know.

I'm just a fuuing stupid human being who isn't appreciated.

Heck, maybe there's even not a thing in me that could be appreciated.

...karappo.